Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Tears of Pain, Catharsis, and Happy Surprise

So. Yesterday was a rough day. I found out one of my good friends, who will remain unnamed, was arrested for selling to an undercover. The penalties in this country for non-violent drug offenders are ridiculous, and it hurts me because I know what he's in for. It's not good. I saw him the night before he turned himself in. When I left I gave him the fist bump...if I would have known what was gonna happen a few hours later I would have hugged his neck. Honestly, I'm surprised at my feelings because I believe in taking responsibility for your actions, I did. But my heart goes out to him because the flood of emotion surrounding my own incarceration has knocked me on my ass. The lonliness. Utter and complete loneliness and isolation from everyone and everything you love. It sucks.

And of course I internalize that feeling. Lots of shit has gone down this summer. I've found out who my friends ARE and EXACTLY who they aren't. It's hard when you put yourself out there and people don't accept you for who you are. That's a REAL lonely place. And I've found myself there this morning.

I've been sleeping at Jason's because he's needed me. His bitch-ass roomate is moving out and sticking him with tons of bills. She was too chickenshit to tell him herself. He found out from someone at a party. Yeah. He could have won an Academy Award for not crying on the spot. Now he's trippin cause he's afraid he might become "homeless." I love him too much to let that happen. Love like in a regular way. He's one of my best friends. I know that sounds like bullshit, but it's true. I love him like family. I may love him more than that, but I honestly don't know. It's up to him and the way he acts. We've been working through alot of the muck we've found ourselves in. Either way, I've been taking care of him, giving all I've got to keep him going, because I know if he quits now, it's all over.

And he's got his first show coming up in a few weeks. And I won't let him fail.

So this morning we talked. I cried. All the strength I'd mustered up over the last few days/weeks has waned. I've given and given and given and given till I don't know if I've got anything else to give. That's a very lonely place.

And of course, just as I'm ready to give up, throw in the towel, and crawl in a hole, I get this phone call out of the blue...

My manager from Bath & Body Works calls to tell me that they want to promote me to sales lead, which is a permanent, management position! I couldn't believe it. I've got to meet up with her tomorrow for the first of 3 interviews. This is a godsend to me. As soon as I hung up the phone I hit my knees and thanked god. I cried to him. I apologized for counting him out. I begged his forgiveness. I should have never doubted his love. I thanked him again and again for the opportunity to make something out of myself, and this time, I'm gonna do it!

Thursday, September 03, 2009


...I can't help but wish He loved Me like I love Him.
Without Condition. I just don't know any other way to love!

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

I Love Eminem Entirely Too Much

I've spent several days away and without contact with Jason and I was fine! Haha! I didn't miss him as much as I thought I would. As much as I do love him, I'm about 95% sure I'm not IN LOVE with him. Not anymore at least. But he's still my 'best guy' so to speak. I think I'm his 'best girl'. But Austin is getting out of jail soon, finally. I don't feel like I know him anymore, it's been SO long. I fear it would be like seeing a ghost. That is something that I can barely bring myself to deal with. All I can do is throw my hands up and sigh. As Slim Shady once said "I just don't give a FUCK!" Okay maybe that's not quite the right quote for this situation at all, but I've been listening to entirely too much Eminem lately, heh. I just can't give a fuck because it drains me emotionally and stresses me in a way that I DO NOT operate well under. Not right now anyway. Really though, I need to concentrate more on me right now, not boys. I've got to. I'm seriously thinking of going back to school in the Spring. Well I'm working up the confidence to. I haven't been in so many years it seems hard to be a student again, although I was a good student--that is--when I actually went to class, heh.
Anyway, ya'll are the best for being there for me (you know who you are) as you always have been and thats why I love ya!...turns out I was totally hormonal. Yeah...
I enjoy...being a girl!!! (Whoever wrote that song had to be kidding. I mean come on.)
I'm Cool now Ladies. Getting Back On Track. Gonna Make it Work. Cause I'm a Soldier...
Oh no. Again with the Eminem lyrics!