blush reality

Mad Men

2011-02-25T11:24:00.000-08:00

Men. What to do with them? As soon as my old boss at the hotel found out I got a new job, he wanted me back. Madness. I guess thats just how the male sex rolls, as soon as they can't have something they want it back. BUT that's okay with me. After a week or so at The Finish Line, I was having terrible panic attacks and I realized that the job wasn't for me, not now, in my recovery. I've been switching medications like a drug addict to get myself back to normal. I have so many pill bottles I feel like an elderly person. And in light of that, I just couldn't continue with the job, plus....

I GOT MY OLD JOB BACK!

Up and Down

2011-02-13T07:47:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was up and down. I started a new job, because my old boss at the hotel was dragging his feet and I couldn't wait any longer for cash flow. I started to panic, and put feelers out into the employment world and got some applications, etc. An old friend of mine, Robbie, just started her own marketing business after leaving the ministry to focus on her family, so being such close friends, I called her to pray with me about my situation... and she told me she had a job for me! A client of hers, owner of a local business called The Finish Line Sports Sub Shop had hired her because he needed a new manager and pretty much all new employees due to mismanagement by the old GM and crew. In a matter of a few text messages I had an interview the next morning at 10am. Needless to say, I got the job, and am being considered as the main candidate for General Manager!

It's a salary position, which would be my first. starts at 26k/year, and although that may not sound like much, it's still over twice as much as I've ever made per year, even with 3 jobs! This is an amazing opportunity for me, and I am so excited. Many people would see going from a hotel to food service as a downgrade, but food service is so fun. However, so was my old job at the hotel.

I did my orientation at work yesterday for about 2 hours and learned the basics and had a great time. My new boss and I really hit it off. But then I got home, and it hit me, I'm not going back to work at the hotel. I had just COUNTED on it, and I LOVED that job. Loved the job, loved the guests, loved the staff, loved my boss. And it's gone now. All gone. I only have myself and my illness to blame.

Everyone thinks I'm crazy because The Finish Line affords a much larger opportunity (indeed, a life-changing opportunity) but it still hurts when you lose something you love, and it's still scary to start a new job, especially one with potentially more responsibility and stress. I will miss the Holiday Inn Express so much, but hopefully the new job will be everything it promises to be.

Wow I just talked to my new boss and he was so impressed with me in the 2 hours I worked yesterday that he put me on the schedule for 30 hours instead of the agreed-upon 15 to be orientated. In addition, he's going out of town for a couple days and leaving the store with ME. I am really excited but nervous, but more excited. It's looking more and more like management!

Colorful Colorado

2011-02-09T06:28:00.001-08:00

It was like 57 degrees out and sunny, and when we finally got to Copper Mountain we saw the snow, beautiful champagne powder as far as the eye could see. I had missed it so!

Hot Chocolate with a Shot of Vanilla Vodka :)

On the Slopes with Danielle at Copper Mountain.

Skiing was a dream. Amazing conditions and warm so that you could even wear your jacket open. I hadn't skied in TEN YEARS so I was very nervous, but it's just as they say, as soon as I put my skis on it was like getting on a bike!

Danielle had a meeting at her work in the Cherry Creek area of Downtown Denver (a quite trendy part of town) so I hung out there waiting for her meeting to be over.

It just so happened that an old friend of mine from high school, Jennifer, lives only a couple blocks away from the bar I was hanging out in and we got to catch up. Small world!

We took a trip to Boulder, a quaint college town, and had a our picture taken in (a) boulder.

My favorite picture from the entire week!

Alive Again

2011-02-07T07:25:00.000-08:00

I’m alive again

More alive than I have been

In my whole entire life I can

See these people’s ears perk up as I begin
To spaz with the pen,

I’m a little bit sicker than most
Shit’s finna get thick again...

Tragic But True

2011-02-03T08:53:00.000-08:00

The time that I've wasted is my biggest regret;

Stuck in this place I will never forget.

Memories of past times always stay near;

But vanquished by this waking nightmare.

I lie awake at night while others sleep;

A stream of pictures swarm my mind with each heartbeat.

I await the day I can be with my Love;

Praying incessantly to the heavens above.

Until then I must lie in this blistering hell;

Confined due to my very own will.

Hear me now, lost souls, heed my words;

Don't allow the darkness to overpower your urge.

We are all on this path, sometimes tragic, always true;

But if you stop looking down, the whole world awaits you!

Like Shooting Stars...

2011-02-03T01:33:00.001-08:00

I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now.

Who Will?

2011-02-01T06:37:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the thoughts floating in my head turn on me.

Well, most of the time. I understand who, what, when, and where, but not why.

I don't understand why they turn on the situations they turn on.

Thats a lie, yes I do.

I am jealous, envious, so so envious.

I want what they have so badly I can taste it. So, so badly.

I want a man that loves me, one that will take care of me and help me make supper.

I want a house with all my beloved things and photos and loved ones.

I want enough money to pay the bills for those things, and to afford organic foods.

I want a marriage filled with fun and with laughter and love...

I want a love to end them all.

Now I want these things, but I am dubious as to how they could ever come to fruition due to my chronic illness.

I am Bipolar, and although it doesn't make me feel any less, I know people do think of me as so.

Because of my illness, my past isn't a very pretty picture.

Because of my illness, my present isn't a very pretty picture.

Because of my illness, I do not know what the future holds.

It hurts when I see the normal people.

The normal people who live their lives normally.

Their lives make so much sense, they get married and have kids, and they don't bounce checks.

They don't have to take medication morning, noon, and night, nor do they have to be hospitalized for stability at times.

They are already STABLE.

Stability: the one thing I long for;

I hold on to it so tight that sometimes it gets destroyed and I find myself...

Completely out of control.

Two of my friends just got engaged, just now... IT KEEPS HAPPENING.

I am happy for them, really I am, but...

Will it ever be my turn??

Would it??

Could it???

I fear not.

Who will want my past?

Who will want my present?

Who will want my uncertain future??

To Blog Or Not To Blog?

2011-01-28T01:48:00.000-08:00

I look and I like.

I look and I like what I see.

I look and I like what I see in my married friends' home.

I envy the thought of Them.

I looked around Downtown tonight.

I looked around Downtown tonight and liked what I saw.

I looked around Downtown and I saw lots of beautiful people.

I envy the thought of Them.

I met a guy.

I met a cute guy.

I met a cute guy named Aaron.

I envy the thought of a cute guy named Aaron.

I lie in a bed.

I lie in a bed that's not mine.

I lie in a bed that's not mine but not His...

I envy the thought of Him.

I remember me.

I remember me in Love.

I remember me in Love with Him.

I envy the thought of Me.

I love you.
I love you lots.

I love you lots with a cherry on top.

I envy the thought of You.

I Shit You Not

2011-01-20T17:00:00.001-08:00

I'm glad you liked the pictures, that was my point! The one of us in our field uniforms I have framed in a Starmakers frame, ...remember those?? It's in my room right now, I shit you not.

I love that picture, always have!

And BE GLAD you were chubby THEN because you're so SO THIN NOW! And gorgeous! I have the opposite problem, I'm pretty chubby NOW as opposed to THEN, and yes our hair WAS pretty out there! Ha!

Anyway, yeah. The hospital I checked into was sort of a mental hospital. People with all kinds of non-emergency room/non-surgical problems go there, but I went for stability on my medication because I was having real problems with stress making my body give out physically and it got pretty bad, I was VERY weak. Then I relapsed on drugs and had some serious suicidal thoughts. I called Dr. Pat Todd and she suggested I go, and I was down because I just want to get better.

I don't mind telling you the dirty details because it's you and me sweetie, heh!

They rediagnosed me with Bipolar 1 which is more manic (Bipolar 2 is more depressed) MIXED meaning I have episodes of more manic or more depressed, with Panic Disorder and Substance Abuse issues. But in the hospital I had a Harvard-Educated Psychiatrist (who looked just like Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, actually) and he helped me to get on the proper medication for my diagnosis, and observation was simply necessary for such a drastic change.

And yes, I have taken medication for many years now. I started taking an Anti-Depressant our senior year of high school, back when those pics were taken actually. I started seeing Dr. Gonzalez, who helped me SO much for the 10 years before she retired. I have you to thank really, because I dont know if you remember, but you suggested her to me way back then (because she had an ad in the Panther Pride calendar.)

I had THOUGHT the medication was working, but now that I've been to the hospital (Brentwood Hospital in Shreveport, LA) I that realize that it WASN'T, not like the meds I'm on NOW. They reworked everything, and the therapy sessions were pretty intense. Imagine a therapy session from 7am-9pm with a 2 hour break and 3 meals and with 5 smoke breaks (thank GOD!).

But yeah. We did a lot of good "work" and I realize where many of my problems truly lie and what I need to work with Dr. Todd on. (I LOVE HER, we text all the time!) I have suppressed a lot of shame, guilt, fear, and anger over these nearly 29 years and it's finally coming out in a healthy way, rather than drug abuse which is only me trying to hurt myself, really. That and sabotaging every good thing in my life, thinking that I dont deserve it (subconsciously of course.)

Things really WERE going well for me, especially last time we talked. I always get uptight and usually have some kind of breakdown over Christmas, and this year was especially bad because I just always want everything to be perfect for everyone, but it seemed like everybody around me wanted to fight, sometimes with me, even my extended family (and that NEVER happens! We just talk shit about each other on the phone later, heh!)

So yeah when you have mental issues things can fall apart really quickly, before you even know it. Luckily I have a large support base, and my work was SUPER supportive and I will be able to come back to work after I get back from a recuperating ski vacation in Colorado the first week of February. I am going up to see my BFF Danielle in Denver and she's gonna take care of me for about a week or so, heh. Did I tell you I had been promoted to Front Desk Manager? My boss says I will make a lot of money for him one day, heh. I think I wanna go back to A&M for a bachelor's in Hotel Management. I LOVE the industry; so far so good!

Your encouragement and love mean so much to me Kimberly, really. Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers. I am so glad we made friends back in 8th grade drama class at Junior High West.

Holler at me next time you find yourself in L-Town!

Love Always,

Blush

The Elusive One

2010-12-16T21:10:00.000-08:00

I might have found HIM, the elusive ONE. No kids, never been married. Good job, great family, my age. Finally, a gentleman! Unfortunately, I've never dated a good guy. Obviously, I am not that kind of girl.

We have TONS much in common, and Jeremy seems to truly like me for who I really am.

My parents LOVE him. In fact, my Dad picked him out for me! (They are even going deer hunting together next month in West Texas--my Dad thinks that he and Jeremy are best drinking buddies, heh.)

We grew up in the same neighborhood, went to the same High School and College (Texas A&M University) but didn't formally meet until about 2 years ago at a tailgate party at an Aggie football game, even though our families are old friends! It's a small, small world when you're from a small, small town.

We are taking it slow, very slow, because this JUST MIGHT be IT and there's no way I'm fucking IT up...again!

I'm getting way too old for that shit.

We had our first kiss just last night.........and it was wonderful! I can't wait to see him again.

A Very Special Thanks

2010-12-05T08:15:00.000-08:00

Hey There Casey!

I hope you are your family are doing well! Just a note to tell you thank you so much for teaching and showing me how to be a good office manager.

After working only a month at the hotel (Holiday Inn Express here in Lufkin) I took over for the Front Desk Manager who had to take maternity leave. I immersed myself in the work, as I was totally clueless at first, and now it's looking like I'm going to get promoted to Front Desk Manager permanently because I do a better job than her, and because my boss adores Lacy, I feel like I've really accomplished something!

But now my boss loves me more because apparently no one has ever been so organized and kept track of documents and all the administrative stuff AND do the regular shift work as well as me, and I attribute much of that to you, teaching me to write EVERYTHING down and make hard copies of EVERYTHING and files for EVERYTHING :)

I think I finally found where I belong. I LOVE hospitality, and this is the best job I've ever had (next to Powertrol, of course!) I absolutely love it. I think I want to stay in the hotel industry and make my job a career. Long overdue, I know, but at least now I know what the hell it is I want to do with my life!

In other news: I'm also finally seeing a "good guy" but taking it slow because I'm too old to fool around anymore! His name is Jeremy Pittman, uncle Dennis' best friend from High School's son. He was in the Corps at A&M and is best friends with little David, big David Cook's son. Daddy picked him out for me, and we are on the verge of seriously dating. It's crazy how Daddy can be right on when you least expect it.

Anyway, you helped me so much back then at Powertrol, and you're still helping me now!

Thank you so much for taking an interest in me, I miss talking to you and even your lectures, heh! Thought you might want to know it really did help! :)

Love,

Blush

One Hell of a Hiatus

2010-11-26T18:29:00.001-08:00

Wow. I finally have something to talk about!

Unemployed for six months, I had become extremely depressed. Let's just say I was a hot mess.

However, Danielle's bachelorette party in New Orleans and wedding in downtown Dallas WAS fuckin amazing--and totally helped me see the light again.

Jason and I broke up but stayed best friends, living together with my mom, almost like brother and sister.

Strange, yes. Normal, not at all. But it worked for us somehow this summer.

In September I got a job as the Front Desk Manager at the Holiday Inn Express here in town. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT and want to turn this "job" into a "career." I think I was made for Hospitality!

Maybe it's the Texan in me.

Jason finally got a good job, but it is out of town. Almost the moment he left for Houston, he decided he was still in love with me. Then he got transferred to rural Kentucky, installing fiber-optics. Jesus, what a bombshell. We still have the same stormy relationship, but I took him back, because things were supposed to be different this time.

I had to play out the feelings I cannot deny I still have for him. It wouldn't have been fair to either of us, or anyone we might get involved with in the future, to leave this "undone."

He is here this weekend for Thanksgiving, and somehow I feel like nothing has changed at all. I just don't feel special like a girlfriend should with their boyfriend. Maybe our past is insurmountable, I cannot tell. But suddenly now that I'm not interested in a boyfriend but in a career, my ex confesses his love for me and I've also got two other guys wanting to date me seriously.

Good God! I can't handle one, much less two or three! Will write more about this later. I'm really conflicted over it all, heh. I'm always conflicted over something.

But you knew that.

This year I am thankful for: my job, Burn Notice and Law and Order: Special Victims Unit Marathons during the week, and the E! network on weekends. The Aggies beating the Longhorns yesterday, my brother Sam's and my epic night in Dallas, Momma and Daddy, and my best friends, Danielle and Jason.

Wildflower Landscape

2010-05-05T08:46:00.000-07:00

I finally got the courage up to dabble in the fine arts again...this is one of my first real paintings EVER, and I am really quite proud of it. It captures my favorite time of the year in Texas...springtime. Everything is alive and in living colour. Wildflowers cover country pasture-land and grow alongside highways, brightening mundane drives and reminding all of us that God is very much alive and well and at work in Life.

picture taken with camera phone

American Saturday Night

2010-04-01T06:47:00.000-07:00

So Brad Paisley was awesome. I hadn't seen a country concert in years (much less a rodeo) and Mr. Paisley fuckin' rocked it out. He was SO hot, as he played a guitar solo I grabbed Jason's leg and squealed "I'm so horny right now!"
Awesome.

I've just been sorta lying around being lazy and depressed due to my lack of employment...I've been living in a great state of boredom.

Surprisingly, another great State, of Texas, has jumped in to help (which would be the first time for me, usually its the state of Texas holding me in prison or rehab, but what the hey--water under the bridge, right?)

My friend Rhonda has developed a nasty coke habit. So I can't hang out with her really, it's too much temptation. I feel like I'm losing a sister-friend, but I don't know what else to do, ya know? When we met, she was so against hard drugs. Now her husband thinks she's engaging in ...immoral things to get it. I have never been so disappointed. I miss my FRIEND.

Jason and I are really happy right now. I'm going through my long bipolar cycle--12 months of normal, 4-6 months of crazy. I'm in the "crazy" 4-6 months right now. So I have my good days and my bad days. The medication really helps.

My old friend Courtney is back in my life. We dated brothers in High School. She's working at a local deli and bakery called The Lunch Box and she's pretty sure she can get me on there because a girl walked out on her shift the other day and I don't know of anyone who could get away with that and NOT get fired, heh. Courtney's been talking me up and she thinks it's gonna happen. I sure hope so, because even though I got approved for unemployment (which is SUCH a big help) I've gained like 15 lbs. from sitting on my ass all day instead of moving around at work.

I have GOT to get in shape! Danielle's Fabulous Downtown Dallas Wedding is sneaking up quickly on me! Not only am I maid of honor in but my TEN YEAR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION is coming up in the fall. I've got to plan the Bridal Shower AND the Bachelorette Party. Never been in a wedding before--this is new territory--and I'm kinda at a loss.

Good God.

As for the reunion I am super excited about it really, I haven't kept good touch with many high school friends due to several precarious years in my past. It will be SO good to see them all...
The only thing is most of them have a career or are married and have not just one but sometimes two kids! Which is a bummer for me, not only do I work high school type jobs, but I don't have much to be proud of at all. I felt like if I had some darling little children, it would be completely different. My life would have so much more purpose and I would feel somehow justified in my station in life.
And the Fact is, most of the friends of mine that have had children are still as thin as they were in high school! What the fuck is that?! I have always battled my weight and I've just got to get in shape before the wedding and reunion.

I am seriously thinking about hiring my Elementary school-present best friend Kristin's husband because he's a personal trainer...
That would be the shit.

I printed out my entire blog to start the editing process for a possible book...working title: BLUSH REALITY: Confessions of a Serial Blogger. I've got 1600 pages of material. Yeah. Wish me luck, I'm gonna need it. This could be my big break, you never can tell!

Loves!

Twenty-Eight is Great!

2010-03-11T05:58:00.000-08:00

Today is my 28th birthday. Jason and I are celebrating by driving to Houston today to go to the famed Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo to see Brad Paisley perform tonight.
Squeal!

Ambition with a side of Trepidation

2010-03-08T19:39:00.000-08:00

SO:

After much thought....
I might just give the old blog format a serious overhaul.

If I made Blush Reality into a book, would you read it??
Would anyone?
That my friends, is a hell of a question.

I think I'll start on editing this week...
"Blush Reality: Confessions of a Serial Blogger."

Feedback, PLEASE!

Hope for the Best, Plan for the Worst, and Maybe End up Somewhere in the Middle...

2010-03-07T13:12:00.000-08:00

Hey peeps, my laptop has been broken, therefore posts have been scarce and will be till I get a new hard drive.

Everything is going well with me...haha.
I got laid off,
but I'm getting unemployment.
I live with my parents,
and Jason lives here too now.
I get my heath care from the government,
so my medication is down to $30 from $600.
Jason and I are happier than ever,
except he works 7pm-7am graveyard shifts so I barely see him.
He told me he wants to start a family with me,
but he has to be financially stable first.
From here it seems like merely a dream,
Unfortunately, I'm running low on dreams lately.

I painted my nails in black glitter today.

I thought about college,
then I thought about art.
I thought about love,
then I thought about money.
I thought about hate,
then I thought about nonsense.
I thought about you,
then I thought about me.
I thought about the world,
And how it goes round.
I thought about the Indians,
Dead in their mounds.
I thought about it all,
There's so much to see.
If it so happens that I fall,
Watch me fall on my feet.

Beans and Cornbread (and a long nap)

2010-01-02T00:53:00.000-08:00

It's funny how traditions get started. My family isn't big on traditions, but my alma mater is. The way Texas Aggie traditions usually get started is when someone comes up with a totally brilliant (at the time) idea or when something funny happened(s).

If you live in Texas or The South in general, you most likely spend your New Year's Eve involved in much drinking, much dancing, and general debauchery.

A long-time American New Year's tradition is to kiss on midnight on New Year's Eve.

An excuse for men to make out with chicks.

An excuse for lonely women to feel special.

BRILLIANT IDEA (at least at the time...) *wink*

If you live in Texas or The South in general, you most likely spend your New Year's Day involved in watching football, and traditionally eating beans (black eyed peas, specifically) with cornbread, and boiled cabbage. For health, wealth, and good fortune.

Today I figured out the Real reason. Good fortune my ass!

It's the BEST hangover food EVER. AND you get a nap afterwards! Starch attack!

BRILLIANT idea!

Birth of a tradition.

...

New tradition proposal: Playing Wii Sports.

Brilliant idea!

Birth of a tradition?

Can You Meet Me Halfway?

2009-12-18T12:21:00.000-08:00

What's with the fighting lately?

This time it was with Jason.

It breaks my heart every time...

I'm too needy,

He's too remote.

Truth is after every fight I feel we are closer than ever.

I don't know if we'll be taking that next step any time soon though.

Relationships can be hard work. But should they be?

When it's bad it's so bad...

But when it's good,

It's SO GOOD.

Can you meet me halfway? Right at the borderline?

That's where I'm gonna wait...for you.

I'll be lookin' out...night and day...

Took my heart to the limit, and this is where I'll stay.

Sweet And Sour

2009-12-06T07:40:00.000-08:00

I am trying to work out a lease agreement with my Ex over the truck that we once shared. After saying one thing for months then changing his mind when I did not want him back, he changed his mind and is threatening to take my vehicle and means to work right out from underneath me. I've put thousands of dollars into this truck at this point. The truth is that if he cared so much about that truck he wouldn't have started doing drugs again immediately after he signed the loan. Now he's tripping over paperwork. And then the name calling began. Regardless of the details of the fight, the phrases child molester(?) and crack whore should never come up during a conversation about a lease agreement.

Yeah.

He called me a child molester and a crack whore.

It was fucked.

On so many levels.

Destruction.

That's all I could think about. I was ready to join a metal band.

I wanted to physically hurt him. Destroy him.
It took a whole xanax to calm me down.

Vengeance.

Destruction.

Apparently I did not have the right words for this situation yesterday because pretty much everyone but my own mother thought I overreacted. Jason was wonderful. However childish he thought it was, he still called Austin and told him to shut up and leave me alone.

That meant a lot to me.

So anyway, I've decided to let Kelly Clarkson speak on my behalf:

Sour First...

So what’s your evil attitude
When you got me spending my time pleasing you
Why must you keep me underground
Tell me tell me, why you wanna bring me down?
Is it too much to give a damn
When I GAVE you one hundred and ten
Don’t blink cause I won’t be around
Tell me tell me, why you wanna bring me down?

...Then Sweet.

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you
Now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

I'm Falling in Love all Over Again

2009-11-30T21:55:00.001-08:00

It's the little things here and there...

Lately I'm seeing them everywhere.

I am so proud of him...

He gets sexier every day.

Today he told me he'd be with me for the rest of his natural life.

But not out right, he's not that kind of guy.

It was a "by the way" situation, making it that much more charming...

It is just what I've been desperate to hear.

We talk about our future.

We've discussed our children's names.

I got him to look at wedding dresses tonight,

And that's when I knew he loved me and would never leave me.

He may even take my surname one day!

As he has no relationship with his father.

This caught me off guard in the most flattering way;

And it wasn't long till I was scribbling like a school girl...

Jason Dickerson Hughes

Molly Kathryn Hughes

James Andrew Hughes

Rachel Olivia Hughes

...is that embarrassing for a grown woman to doodle in private...?

I feel like a child in so many ways. Finally in the good ways.

I'm in a healthy relationship for the first time,

We are kindred spirits, he said so.

My body has never fit so beautifully with any man...ever.

I am in love, in love with a man I never knew existed.

Es La Verdad (A Greater Understanding)

2009-11-22T00:53:00.000-08:00

The Pisces Man...Jason.

You may have observed that Pisces is a strongly feminine sign. Feminine, that is, in terms of its feeling bias, its imagination, its softness, its compassion. Many Pisces men are extremely masculine, and perfectly capable of what Jung calls, 'Knowing what you want and doing what you have to do to get it'. But all in all, the combination of being a man and being a Pisces is a slightly uneasy one. Largely, once again, because of collective pressures and social expectations.

There are a great many turntypes among Pisces men. They compensate in a thousand ways for being Pisceans. Some of them run in terror from the depths of their underwater visions, into an extreme and brittle kind of rationality which calls for statistics, definitions and proofs. They are the dogmatic material scientists, attempting to stamp out in others what they fear in themselves. They have no tolerance for what they call 'emotionality', and cannot abide moodiness in others because their own threatens to overwhelm them.

But if a Pisces man has the courage to face his own vulnerability, and to see that it can live happily side by side with his manhood, then you have a rare creature. And he's able to maintain his manhood without disappearing underwater into the realm of escape, that is. This is the hero of so many books and films, the antihero, the gentle fighter, the sensitive lover. It's perhaps closer to our modern myth of man than any other, since it's a peculiar marriage of male and female. The Pisces man who has accomplished this has a rare charisma, a drama about him that makes him endlessly fascinating both to men and women alike.

Sadly, many more Pisces men hit the extremes. We've mentioned the rationalist, the Pisces who hates being a Pisces and wants desperately to protect his own sensitivity. The opposite kind is also common enough. He's the fellow who loves strong women, especially women who can support him financially; who can take care of him while he's writing the eternal half-finished novel, while he's contemplating the job he'll never take. He's the passive victim, abused and betrayed by a cold, brutal wife, looking for pity and sympathy and playing for all its worth to the maternal instinct of some poor foolish woman who thinks all his romanticism is true tenderness and feeling. These are pathetic Pisceans and their wives and lovers are frustrated women who have to be men most of the time and chafe violently against it. Many Piscean men of this type gravitate toward the powerful signs in women: Leo, Aries, Scorpio, Capricorn. They have no strength of their own, and seek it in a partnership.

As you might guess, Pisces tends to run to extremes. It's rare that you get a neutral Pisces. It's generally one extreme or the other.

The Pisces man generally needs to feel 'understood' more than anything else. This isn't so much a sign of physical passion as it is a sensuous sign, a sybaritic sign. Dragging the woman off by the hair to the cave isn't generally Pisces' style. Allowing himself to strike up a warm, sympathetic conversation and then allowing himself to be seduced by good wine, soft music, satin sheets and erotic underwear is much more his style. Pisces is as happy being passive as a lover as he is being, literally or figuratively, the one on top. It's his particular brand of masculinity. Often he will make himself the buffoon, the clown, the victim, for he works a lot from sympathy and empathy. Women love to protect him. He can protect himself perfectly well. But it isn't always in his interests to let you know that.

Trust him and you'll bring the best out of him. See only the shadowy side of him and he'll have a devil of a time trusting himself. He never trusts himself anyway; he's brutally realistic, beneath all those visions. He needs the trust and loyalty of another person to bring out his own - the realistic trust, that is. Accuse him of something, and he'll happily go out and do it, just to please. His way of fighting is not to fight; it's to bend so far backwards that you fall on your face. Impotence is also his way of fighting. In this, you'll see the feminine side of the sign in strong colours. Passive resistance is a technique dear to the Piscean heart.

You might think he can easily be dominated. Think again. In fact his world doesn't include dominant or submissive. He'll play pliant on the surface because it's easier, because it's not that often important enough to draw blood. Beneath that pliant surface, it isn't that he needs to control; he just wants to be left alone. Try to dominate, and you'll discover you're empty-handed. He's simply drifted away, without a fuss.

If you are the type who likes to have all your decisions made for you, don't choose a Pisces. On the other hand, if you want someone to henpeck, pass on this one too. Now you see him, now you don't. No promise or marriage contract means anything to him if the fundamental values of the relationship have been abused. And he'll see through all the games pretty quickly. He just won't be there the next morning. No note, no phone call. Just gone. Like the fish.

But if you want a relationship which is more nearly like the ideal vision of what the so-called 'liberated' woman seeks (and these are rare animals as well), you will find that Pisces is not one of your diehard male chauvinists. Being strongly emotional himself, he usually has immense empathy for women. He generally gets on with them better than men. And with his profound understanding of human nature, you're not likely either to be the housekeeper or the sex object. You get to be a person. And that's worth quite a lot.

The Pisces Woman...Myself.

Many paeans have been written to the Pisces woman, for her mystery, her gentleness, her compassion, her elusive charm, her pregnant silences. And she may be, indeed, the archetypal feminine. The lovely, gracious princess of the fairy-tale castle, waiting for the suitor to rescue her and cherish and protect her, is modeled on Pisces. The Pisces woman has a unique ability to make a man feel terribly masculine, because she seems so often to need protecting, cherishing, and tenderness. Because she has such a changeable range and depth of feeling, she often gives the impression of being slightly unformed. It brings out the Pygmalion tendencies in any would-be artisans. Many men think they can shape her into what they choose. In part, it's true. The qualities of devotion and gentleness and softness are in abundance in many Piscean women. But blank slate she's not.

Like the Pisces man, she's unfathomable, and possesses a soul which no one can ultimately reach. Although eager to please and rarely argumentative, she also has the gift of defence through submergence. Now you see her, now you don't. She may physically disappear, usually with a lover; but more likely she'll be physically present and simply psychologically disappear, gone to the underwater realms or to someone else in fantasy. It's a very peculiar feeling when she's gone. No one home.

Romanticism runs very high in the Pisces woman. She expects, and needs the poetry and tenderness and style that any fairy-tale princess merits. Starve her of these and you will drive her either to another lover or into herself, where she may transform into the martyr. Provide them, and your princess becomes a queen. Simple. Yet astonishingly difficult for many men, since Pisces, as a watery sign, seems to attract airy types who believe they can impress her with their sparkling intellects and long for the exhibitions of feeling she herself provides without realizing they must give in exchange.

And make no mistake, the Pisces woman, if she is disappointed, will not hesitate to deceive. Remember Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton? Being good to her isn't enough. You must enter her dreams with her. Ignore them, patronize them, and you do so at your own risk. There is a strong theatrical element in the Pisces woman. She has a unique gift for getting herself into the most dreadful dilemmas and crisis which no one could possibly sort out, and then going about among her friends asking for advice which is never taken since her need to suffer and sacrifice is fed by the dilemma. A perplexing creature.

But meet her in later life, and all the compassion and wisdom which come from having seen the seamy side of just about everything yield a glow and a richness which is far more meaningful than the unshaped marble which Pygmalion sees in her late teens and early twenties. In this, the last of the signs, the Wise Woman emerges - with all the instinctual wisdom of her sex and all the human insights of her sign. Often she is almost mediumistic, preferring to shelter herself from life because this gift is so dubious and so difficult to bear. There is also more than a touch of the witch in Pisces; whether it is white or black depends on whether she has been badly bruised, and how badly. A Pisces woman gone wrong is a vampire, playing on the fantasy life of others, and draining their strength. Never underestimate her, because she may be inarticulate or reluctant to explain herself. Neptune is an enigmatic god; to love him is to love the ocean, for all its moods and changes, its anger and its peacefulness, its destruction and its beauty.

Yes, we're back together.
Thinking about moving in together next year... !

Aromatherapy Stress Relief in Tranquil Mint

2009-10-23T13:16:00.000-07:00

I got the job at Bath & Body Works! HUGE promotion for me! Customer Sales Lead. It's a big job, and I get stressed out easily. My biggest character flaw is that when something doesn't come naturally to me, I tend to want to quit or cry. Yeah. Not something I'm proud of at all. But I AM proud of this job.

So Austin is out of jail now, living in a court-ordered halfway house in Temple, Texas. I think it's shitty that his mom (who I used to be extremely close to) has declared that she wants me to have no contact with Austin, which is a kick in the teeth after having been there for BOTH of them for so long now. I am NOT the bad guy.

Though it has felt good with him around again. His voice feels like home. I hope to get to know who he is now.

When I was relatively unemployed, I took on a babysitting job for a guy friend of mine with a crazy baby mama. When I say crazy, I mean she's got 2 aggravated assault charges against her and is on probation. The baby, Ember, is only 6 months old, and we were having a blast. When it came time to put the Ember down to nap, I'm lie on the bed to watch her, dozing myself. I heard something loud and wondered what it was. It didn't take long to find out.
Suddenly the baby's mom is in the room and I stand up and say "you're not supposed to be here!" So she grabs my breast and twists it and throws me to the ground and grabs Ember and takes off. I get up and chase after her and by this point there's nothing I can do, she's already in the getaway car, driven by an ex-boyfriend. I'm trippin. The only thing worse than LOSING the baby, as a babysitter, is if the baby dies. So I call the dad, and the grandma, and of course, the cops. I file an assault charge, which was later dropped by the county, although William's lawyer filed a motion against the mother for interfering with the custodial rights of a child. The custody hearing was yesterday.
I was subpeonaed by BOTH parties to testify. Got sworn in and everything. I was so nervous! I'd never been to court save to plead guilty and say "yes sir" and "no sir" when instructed. These lawyers wanted to cross-examine me, Law & Order style! LUCKILY, I never had to take the stand because the mom was in so badly they just made a deal where William has full custody and she only gets to see Ember like 8 hours a week under state supervision. So basically, we won. But Here's the kicker.This bitch alleged that I was NAKED with the child. WTF. So I'm temporarily not allowed around the baby. Temporary meaning a couple months. The lawyer said it really didn't mean much. But I gave that bitch the EVILEST eye on the way out of court. Tell me that's not fucked.

The whole situation was traumatizing.

Danielle is getting married next October! I'm the maid of honor. So I've been busy checking out wedding ideas and fun, girly stuff like that. The wedding is in Dallas at a magnificent hotel. The "theme" is Vintage Southern. I can't wait! Never been a bridesmaid. Maybe I'll catch the bouquet!

So Jason and I have been getting closer, but he had made it terribly clear to me that he wanted me to move on. Therefore I had. Austin's back, and I remember why I loved him. I ran into Jeremy, an old high school friend at a Texas Aggie football game a couple weeks ago. My dad mortified me by making it OBVIOUS that I was single. Well, we have a wedding shower we're both invited to tomorrow, so it's a date. I have a date! Afterparty at his house. It's only AFTER all this, that Jason owns up to me that he's still in love with me. Men! What's a girl to do?

Tears of Pain, Catharsis, and Happy Surprise

2009-09-23T13:19:00.000-07:00

So. Yesterday was a rough day. I found out one of my good friends, who will remain unnamed, was arrested for selling to an undercover. The penalties in this country for non-violent drug offenders are ridiculous, and it hurts me because I know what he's in for. It's not good. I saw him the night before he turned himself in. When I left I gave him the fist bump...if I would have known what was gonna happen a few hours later I would have hugged his neck. Honestly, I'm surprised at my feelings because I believe in taking responsibility for your actions, I did. But my heart goes out to him because the flood of emotion surrounding my own incarceration has knocked me on my ass. The lonliness. Utter and complete loneliness and isolation from everyone and everything you love. It sucks.

And of course I internalize that feeling. Lots of shit has gone down this summer. I've found out who my friends ARE and EXACTLY who they aren't. It's hard when you put yourself out there and people don't accept you for who you are. That's a REAL lonely place. And I've found myself there this morning.

I've been sleeping at Jason's because he's needed me. His bitch-ass roomate is moving out and sticking him with tons of bills. She was too chickenshit to tell him herself. He found out from someone at a party. Yeah. He could have won an Academy Award for not crying on the spot. Now he's trippin cause he's afraid he might become "homeless." I love him too much to let that happen. Love like in a regular way. He's one of my best friends. I know that sounds like bullshit, but it's true. I love him like family. I may love him more than that, but I honestly don't know. It's up to him and the way he acts. We've been working through alot of the muck we've found ourselves in. Either way, I've been taking care of him, giving all I've got to keep him going, because I know if he quits now, it's all over.

And he's got his first show coming up in a few weeks. And I won't let him fail.

So this morning we talked. I cried. All the strength I'd mustered up over the last few days/weeks has waned. I've given and given and given and given till I don't know if I've got anything else to give. That's a very lonely place.

And of course, just as I'm ready to give up, throw in the towel, and crawl in a hole, I get this phone call out of the blue...

My manager from Bath & Body Works calls to tell me that they want to promote me to sales lead, which is a permanent, management position! I couldn't believe it. I've got to meet up with her tomorrow for the first of 3 interviews. This is a godsend to me. As soon as I hung up the phone I hit my knees and thanked god. I cried to him. I apologized for counting him out. I begged his forgiveness. I should have never doubted his love. I thanked him again and again for the opportunity to make something out of myself, and this time, I'm gonna do it!

However...

2009-09-03T00:28:00.000-07:00

...I can't help but wish He loved Me like I love Him.
Without Condition. I just don't know any other way to love!

I Love Eminem Entirely Too Much

2009-09-01T23:39:00.001-07:00

I've spent several days away and without contact with Jason and I was fine! Haha! I didn't miss him as much as I thought I would. As much as I do love him, I'm about 95% sure I'm not IN LOVE with him. Not anymore at least. But he's still my 'best guy' so to speak. I think I'm his 'best girl'. But Austin is getting out of jail soon, finally. I don't feel like I know him anymore, it's been SO long. I fear it would be like seeing a ghost. That is something that I can barely bring myself to deal with. All I can do is throw my hands up and sigh. As Slim Shady once said "I just don't give a FUCK!" Okay maybe that's not quite the right quote for this situation at all, but I've been listening to entirely too much Eminem lately, heh. I just can't give a fuck because it drains me emotionally and stresses me in a way that I DO NOT operate well under. Not right now anyway. Really though, I need to concentrate more on me right now, not boys. I've got to. I'm seriously thinking of going back to school in the Spring. Well I'm working up the confidence to. I haven't been in so many years it seems hard to be a student again, although I was a good student--that is--when I actually went to class, heh.

Anyway, ya'll are the best for being there for me (you know who you are) as you always have been and thats why I love ya!...turns out I was totally hormonal. Yeah...

I enjoy...being a girl!!! (Whoever wrote that song had to be kidding. I mean come on.)

*snickers*

I'm Cool now Ladies. Getting Back On Track. Gonna Make it Work. Cause I'm a Soldier...

Oh no. Again with the Eminem lyrics!

Why Not Me?

2009-08-27T17:22:00.000-07:00

Sigh. I don't know who I am. I don't know where I am. I don't know what's the plan. I just don't know anything. This week has been up and down and up and down. Over and over and over and over. So much stress is piling up on top of me, it's pulling me down, down, down. And the dreams, oh, the dreams. All night long I had horrifying dreams. Not typically horrifying, no death, no destruction. Just utter terror...horror...fear.

The first: My family is forced to move out of our house. And my father's business. Everything had to go. No rhyme or reason, no end result. Just me screaming, bawling, "But this is all I've known for the past 15 years! This is all I have! Nooooooo!" But they just kept taking and leaving and I just kept crying and screaming and screaming.

The second: I am in a love triangle with Austin and Jason. I get caught. Jason disappears, Austin wants to keep me. Then Austin disappears. I call everyone I know trying to find him. His parents ignore my phone calls. Everyone ignores my phone calls. I'm freaking, I know he's dead or in jail. Finally he shows back up again. We are driving around Austin, but everyone we know in Austin is from Lufkin (you know how dreams can be.) We have nowhere to go, so I'm trying to call everyone, anyone for help. No one answers, no one cares. Austin disappears again.

The third: I am about to take my morning Cymbalta. While looking through the pill bottle I see several pieces of Xanax. I get excited and dump the bottle to find them. The bottle never empties. Infinate pills pour out onto the table, no xanax to be found. Frustration abounds.

Extreme highs and extreme lows. Down so low as to bring others with me. Jason, for one. He doesn't understand, I doubt he ever will. Some of the things he said to me last night have me reeling.

"I only do nice things so that I can receive gratitude and platitudes."
"My panic attacks are merely childish temper tantrums."

I will never be the one to say that I am perfect, much the opposite. I am mainly imperfect; if you've read this blog or know me at all that's the one thing you should understand. The idea that this is how he truly feels about me; about who i am; breaks my heart. It hurts because I love him so much. Everything I've done for him has been out of love.
Love.
LOVE!

Panic attacks are childish and very much a tantrum. Ask any psychologist. That does not make them any less real or any less painful. I thought he understood this about me. I've never kept it hidden, I've never made excuses for it. I thought he loved me despite of it.

Despite my problems.
Despite my pain.

Perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps I have been wrong over and over. Over and over to the point of no return. I've ruined school and relationships and maybe my own life. I don't know. Will I ever know? Or will I just be continuously, inherently...wrong?

That's how I feel. Yesterday, today.

There are some reasons I suppose. This Monday school started. Everyone's children's first day of school. All the proud Facebook and Myspace pictures got to me. Where are my children? Where is my family?? Why do those people have those things and I do not? Can't I feel the pride and the love in a child's eyes? What did I do wrong? Do I not deserve that happiness? Do I not deserve that pride? Do I not deserve that love?

Will I ever?

Even if "those" people in question have shitty lives and have done shitty things like I have, they still have that one thing that I desire so desperately...something to be proud of. Perhaps I am getting to that age. I'm done with this single life and this selfish life and this bullshit "fun." I want something real.
Real.
REAL!

Something I can put my arms around. Someone I can put my arms around. I don't think he is that something or that someone. He wants only what he wants, but I want it all. Is that such a horrible thing? Can't I have peace and fun and love...and romance too? Can't I have that? Don't I deserve it? Seems like everyone else does.

Why not me?

Dandelion Dreams

2009-08-20T10:13:00.000-07:00

I have a lover I cant help but love, a true friend, and a real life. Fate will find me. Things will come full circle. ...It's about time.

Identity Crisis

2009-08-19T03:09:00.000-07:00

Changed the page up a bit. Feeling stir crazy. Annoyed at nothing in particular. Jason can drive me crazy, but it's not him. The truth is I drive myself crazy; sometimes crazier than others. Luckily he can bring me back to earth. Today I was not content. Tonight, as I watch him sleep I feel a bit more secure. In myself, not to be mistaken. But that I am who I think I am. Aren't I? There I go again. Got to keep ahold of myself. It's time. I'm really going to do this thing. I'm going to come out the other side this time, I know it. I wish I knew when, but like Mick Jagger said, "you can't always get what you want." So it is with life. "But if you try sometimes, you get what you neeeeeeeeeeeeed."

"Aw yeah baby..."

Thanks for everything, Mick.

But There's a First Time For Everything

2009-08-13T18:20:00.001-07:00

I was gonna quit my job today. I was determined. That's the last time that asshole talks to me like that, I swore. I went to work today ready to walk out at a moment's notice if I had to. Corporate dropped my health insurance and gave me one day's notice. Minimum wage went up to $7.25. I made almost a dollar over before, now only 25 cents. They refuse to raise me. I have two other jobs, at Bath & Body Works and American Eagle Outfitters, where I make $7.25, and my bosses there don't talk down to me. Hell, they don't even make me mad! And I can't fucking stand my boss at the Cookie Company. I was hellbent, he wasn't gonna screw me around ANYMORE.

And then I got to work.

No mention of the blow-up the other day, none at all. I won't go so far as to say he kissed my ass; but he was definately inordinately nice. So I decided not to walk out. But should I give my two weeks?? I hate working there with him and I do have two other jobs. Can my other jobs sustain me? I don't work very much there. I need to make sure they can give me more hours to make up for this job!

They didn't know.

So then I didn't know.

And instead of acting...

Did

Nothing.

I feel like such a pussy. I've said this and I've said that and I STILL work for this asshole. At least the wheels are in motion for change, though. I've given 2 years of my life to that place. It's hard to leave it. I'm scared. I've never quit a job before.

But there's a first time for everything.

It's Complicated

2009-08-01T14:50:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks later. The feeling comes and goes, as do the days. Always coming, always going. A collection of pictures in my mind; the month has been a rushing blur. A collection of smiles, a collection of tears. And the anger--it's undeniable. I don't always handle it well as anger is a much less familiar emotion than mere happiness or sadness. Most familiar is fear. And I'm terrified.

It's complicated.

If anger grows out of confusion, confusion abounds. It can be tough to take at times, the times when I regret taking it out on certain people. I find myself at a crossroads. I do not know what I want. I know what I do not want.

I do not want to be what I have always been.

I do not want to seek comfort in outside sources; I want to be able to stand alone. Alone. That's how I began and that's how I will end. The older I grow the closer I get to the realization that I can trust no one. Danielle has proven herself. My parents have proven themselves time and time again. Dinah has proven herself as loyal a pet as a girl could want. However, besides the aforementioned, I am on my own, and it's time for me to be a big girl and fucking deal with it. However it may hurt, and it does, it's time to face reality. I'm no spring chicken. If no one has wanted me yet, my chances of finding whatever the fuck it is they call love, depreciate by the minute. Tick. My ten year high school reunion is coming up. Tock. My biological clock is ticking and tocking, ever louder by the moment. Louder and louder. I was really hoping that Jason would be everything he said he would be--he wasn't. I was everything he said he wanted--he didn't. Although he is a much better friend than he was a boyfriend, what about what I want? Is there anybody out there up for the challenge I apparently pose to the opposite sex? Where is my fucking soulmate? I see a disturbing pattern and I want to destroy it. Fucking demolish the piece of shit. Until nobody remembers. Not even me. Yet the question remains: Is there anybody out there? Isn't there? How long must I yearn for Him? How long must I burn for Him? The embers blaze blood red...from the bottom of my broken--but still beating--heart.

Ships

2009-07-14T22:57:00.000-07:00

So we finally had the talk. Alot of shit had gone down the past couple weekends. Random infidelity, drunken fights, broken cigarettes; broken hearts. We had to mend ourselves in some way, as the trauma left both of us in a seemingly pitiful state. So we talked. And we talked. We hung out. Then we talked some more. We spoke at our leisure; as things came up. Five hours later, when it was all said and all done, the miscommunication and misconceptions we had for one another were sucked out the window like smoke, it was great. He says he wants to be close friends, that apparently, he couldn't handle the seriousness of the relationship and that it's nothing to do with me. That he doesn't understand himself because he thought this was what he wanted. He seems rather depressed about it.

I was skeptical at first. Obviously. I had a hard time believing that there wasn't something wrong with ME. After talking, I am positive that is not the case. After giving the situation way too much thought and way too much consideration, I decided that I hadn't come this far to lose one of my closest friends, because that's what hurt me the most. The Break. The thought that I'd opened myself up to another--to the tiniest detail--and been rejected. The bond gone; the wound open and bled out. Another void in my life. Yet through this void ripped something perhaps more lovely; petal-pink blossoms grown amidst the thorns.

We may have both tried to rip the relationship apart and we did: but what happened in turn was that we ripped it into a new kind of ship--friendship.

Flawed, but masterfully crafted.

The Break-Up

2009-07-12T19:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Jason,

I came here tonight because I thought you wanted to talk to me. I am truly happy that you're out and having fun, you needed to have some fun without me bugging you. Ashlyn told me you are very drunk, partying on an island in Lake Sam Rayburn with Chad. I'm glad you got to be with your brother, I know he's your best friend. I wouldn't want to talk to you drunk anyway.

You are right, we both need to be away from each other. Crystal said you wanted to be friends, which by all indications, you do. I came here to tell you that I want to be friends too. I just need some things explained to my heart before that can happen.

It's gonna take some time to not want you anymore but I realize I made my own mistakes. I came here tonight to talk to you about those mistakes and say some things you probably couldn't have predicted. Hopefully one day we will be able to do so. I am off tomorrow.

It just hurts right now because I feel outlawed in this society because they all love you and I'm relatively new and expendable. I guess.

I wish you would have been here, because I was really ready to do this, and now it seems as if your concern was all fake. Please don't let me go on believing that it was ALL fake for too much longer. That's what makes me wanna be mean to you--and I don't wanna be mean to you!

Of course it hurts that it's over. But apparently it wasn't meant to be. If it was lust, whatever it was, I understand that. It's a break-up, I just need a little time to get over you. But please give me this one last thing so that I can move past the pain and hopefully into a cool friendship with a guy that I still think is one of the best guys I know.

Sincerely, and with regular Love,

Blush

Please Don't Confuse a Bipolar Person

2009-07-02T14:35:00.001-07:00

Another argument.

Sigh.
He says he needs space. Then he says he wants me. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. No matter what I do it doesn't make him happy. I get the feeling that he is done/tired of me. I've been crying at nights for almost 3 days now. Just as soon as I really fall in love with him, he doesn't want me anymore. But then he invites me to the 4th at his family's house. Now I'm really confused because he says he wants space, then invites me to see his family. So yeah, I've been acting kinda crazy because it seems like I'm getting mixed signals.

But I do love him, and I don't wanna break up. I hope it doesn't come to that.

One extreme to another...What's a girl to do??

The Good Die Young

2009-07-01T14:53:00.000-07:00

Early this year the world lost a wonderful young man and one of my own childhood playmates, Zac Cook. I still cry real tears when I think of him--gone. Today was one of those days. Our families are not related, but the Cooks are my family. Always have been. He was like a brother...it's not fair!

I'll never forget punching both Zac and his older brother David for putting salt on my watermelon when I was six.

Of all the memories, that's the one thats always gets me.

It's not often a death hits me this hard. But the hardest part was hugging Uncle David, Aunt Becky, and Little David at the house after the funeral. I had to leave early. It simply hurt too much.

You may have heard about this on the national news. A BlackHawk helicopter doing drills fell out of the sky and on top of Zac. On Texas A&M Campus. My dad kept the traditional Aggie "Riderless Horse" in our family's stable. They shot the Aggie Cannon 3 times. The Army was there, as he was just enlisted and waiting on an assignment, and gave the family a full military funeral, guns and all. Traffic on the highway came to a stop when the cannons blew. The funeral was the best I've ever been to. My dad made us sit on the back row in case he cried. I had to take xanax to make it though it. But it was beautiful, just like Zac's life.

If you could, if you would, for me, just take a quick look at the links below, and understand why the world lost so much when we lost Zac. For me...

http://dmc-news.tamu.edu/templates/?a=7176&z=15 Aggie Reaction

http://www.ktre.com/Global/story.asp?S=9668913 Lufkin Reaction

http://www.ktre.com/global/story.asp?S=9692973 The Funeral

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=45940083111 In Memoriam

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mg3Y1QfoamM Remembrance

A Chick and A Dick

2009-06-30T16:08:00.000-07:00

Last night we had our first big fight. Sigh. Long story short, he borrowed my truck 'cause his car is broken right now to go out of town on a job--and didn't come back when he said he would. I had to work at American Eagle at 9pm to do markdowns, and I was trippin. NOT happy that he disrespected my wishes and didn't contact me throughout the day to tell me what was up. And being a dick about it. Not that he was doing anything he wasn't supposed to be doing, but he scared me. I thought I could depend on him. I guess I can, because he somehow made it back and got me to work on time. Oh, I let him know how I felt. He's just so strange sometimes. It's like when I'm nice to him (which is my nature) he acts indifferent. But when I'm bitchy, it drives him crazy. In that good way. Like he can't get enough of me. I suppose it's the same way with chicks. Just hard to get used to.

It's just so easy to forgive him his trespasses. Is that love? Isn't it?

Temptation and Desire

2009-06-28T03:49:00.000-07:00

He lies in bed reading Anne Rice on his belly in the nude. The Queen of the Damned. He has no idea how sexy he is. He always wears his socks to bed. Always. His skin is brown velvet-suede softness. I've never completely felt anyone like him. His smell is intoxicating. It's because of him I'm considering things I've never considered before. Starting a family sooner than later, staying in our small hometown, living in the country one day. Reading Stephen King novels and watching fuckin Playstation and jogging and crazy shit like that. I'd even live in a trailer--with him, of course.

So yeah. This is where I find myself tonight.

But he's my lover, my LOVE, I mean I love him. Am I truly IN love with him though? Is he truly IN love with me?? Don't get carried away Blush...but what's a girl to do with velvet-suede arms and perfectly soft lips beckoning her ever toward the flame? It's the passion that I crave. No matter the precaution taken to prevent being burnt, it's mostly inevitable. The chances of escaping the burn are slim to none. I'm a moth to a flame--the temptation of desire can destroy you. Or your relationship. Or worse.

But if you can't stand the heat, get out the damned kitchen, right?

The Only Thing that Stays the Same is Everything Changes

2009-06-26T21:38:00.000-07:00

Holy Shit. It's been so long since I've done this I've been scared to even try. The fear is paralyzing. It's what keeps me here. I am still living with my parents in Lufkin, Texas. Some things have changed in my life though, in the past year. My fiance went back to jail. Yes. I supported him. But sometimes love isn't enough. Of our almost 3 year relationship we spent 2 of those years apart. He ultimately chose drugs over me in his time(s) of need and it took him away from me. The longer he was gone the more it hurt. He left me alone too long.

Enter Jason Dickerson.

Jason is a guy I met through friends here in Lufkin. At first we really didn't like each other, even though I always thought he was a cutie. It's actually a funny story how we got together. He moved away to Houston, then when I saw him again here visiting, it was in a totally new light. I began to have feelings for him and I knew I had to end it with Austin, however difficult that was, and it was. We both cried. When I told him there was someone else, he gave me his blessing.

So now I have a new boyfriend. One of the most healthy relationships I've ever been in. Not based on drugs or sex or fantasy. Based in reality. Though sometimes harsh, in reality, I find myself growing to love him more and more daily. However, the fear remains.

Long Distance Relationship

2008-05-13T12:41:00.000-07:00

Dearest Austin,

I do not want to drive us apart either. You mention that we used to live such parallel lives, and that now it seems we have different priorities. I don't know if "priorities" is really the correct term. I doubt you will see it that way, but just because we are not doing all the same relative things at the same relative time any more does not mean that we have different priorities, it just means that we have different activities that we participate in that aren't the same. Well, that seems like the obvious part of living in separate houses, in separate towns. We've never lived and been together like that. Only when you were locked up. Now we are living a very different life than the one we began together. That doesn't, and you touched on this, make us love one another less. What it does do is make us different, and we've been different since the day we met so that's something we should be able to deal with by now, right? But that also doesn't mean that there won't come a time when we get our lives back on the same track, when we're living together in the same town and building our relationship, together. Right now we each have a lot of work to do on our own. We need jobs, or better jobs, or more money, or cars, or insurance, or some sense of stability before we can realistically be together and be a successful partnership again. That is a priority for me. I think it's also a priority for you too, so see--our priorities really aren't that different. Just because everything isn't perfect like you pictured it right NOW doesn't mean that it won't be or can't be. You can't rush things, but I do appreciate your attention to making our relationship work and being interested in it being as wonderful as you picture it, but sweetie I'm afraid that's just not how things work. I'm trying to do better for you. I'm trying to change my mind for you, and me. I'm trying to be where you are, but I'm just not there right now. That doesn't mean I won't get there or that I don't care, it just means that I need more. More time or more something than you, I guess. I feel as lost as you do sometimes, I'm trying to figure this all out on my own. So basically I just try to roll with the punches. I also just try to love you the best way I know how and as much as I can. I hope that helps, and I hope that you can give me the benefit of the doubt that I'm trying to be better, and that I do love you.

And I do.

Always,

Blush

Anybody Got A Rosary I Can Borrow?

2008-05-05T11:08:00.000-07:00

So I finally got to spend some much needed time with my fiance this weekend. He's living in a really cool place in North Austin. He's got roomates, so we got a suite to spend some sweet time with each other for the first time in MONTHS.

Was

Good.

I had never realized how much I missed him until he held me tight in his arms. I felt so safe. He smelled so good. I had so needed the weight of my man on me. We were like teenagers again. I'm still revelling in the saccharine, cotton candy-pink glow of romantic love, of passionate love, of...dare i say it? True love. Now I'm dreaming of the next time I see him again. Scheming to get to Austin as soon as possible, excited for the future, suddenly hopelessly unafraid of the sparkly ring on my left hand. Ready to jump once again, head fucking first.

Unfortunately, our super-hot quickie on the bathroom counter before I left has not quelched my desire for Him in the least. Damn.

If there was one song, just one song, out of every song ever written, there is one song I wish I could have written. If only I had the talent.

That song is Like A Prayer by Madonna. Oh yes.

You may laugh, but you try metaphorically mixing fellatio and other various acts of love with the religious experience of ecstatic faith and see what you come up with. Madonna's result is one of the most honest, intense, beautiful, and all-encompassing professions of love ever recorded on top of a dance track.

Fucking Rock and Roll genius.

Life is a mystery,
everyone must stand alone
I hear you call my name
And it feels like home.

When you call my name
It's like a little prayer,
I'm down on my knees...
I wanna take you there.
In the midnight hour,
I can feel your power--
Just like a prayer you know I'll take you there.

I hear your voice,
Its like an angel sighing
I have no choice,
I hear your voice...
Feels like flying.
I close my eyes,
Oh God I think I'm falling
Out of the sky--I close my eyes...
Heaven help me!

When you call my name
It's like a little prayer,
I'm down on my knees...
I wanna take you there.
In the midnight hour,
I can feel your power--
Just like a prayer you know Ill take you there.

Like a child
You whisper softly to me,
You're in control
Just like a child...
Now I'm dancing
It's like a dream,
No end and no beginning...
You're here with me,
It's like a dream...
Let the choir sing!

When you call my name
It's like a little prayer,
I'm down on my knees...
I wanna take you there.
In the midnight hour,
I can feel your power--
Just like a prayer you know I'll take you there.

Just like a prayer, I'll take you there!
Just like a muse to me, you are a mystery--
Just like a dream, you are not what you seem...
Just like a prayer, no choice, your voice can take me there!
Just like a prayer, I'll take you there!
It's like a dream to me...

Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone
I hear you call my name,
And it feels like...
Home.

Facade (The Sorrow Underneath)

2008-04-07T08:16:00.000-07:00

So I have been doing okay. Really okay. Today, out of nowhere, it's hit me as a ton of bricks hits a sidewalk from faulty pulleys or worn ropes. Sorrow. (Read: Hormones.) Anyway I have no real reason to be sad, I've actually been doing lots of fun shit. In March, for 6 days mid-month, I took a Texas-Sized Road Trip with my All-Time Best Friend, Danielle. She told me on the first day in the car that she had decided and was already making plans to move to Hawaii to be with her ex who's stationed there as a cryptologist for the Navy. Of all places! Hawaii! They are getting back together and she's as happy as a clam. I know The Islands will totally suit her. She informed me she's leaving in August after her birthday. Holy Shit. From that moment on, in the car, on the street, in the club, sleeping on other people's couches, jamming to whatever crazy music we agreed on, drinking Mai Tais at lunch in the best eateries in the state--everything was more important, more urgent. I don't know how long she'll be gone. I feel confident in our friendship that it will endure the (literal) distance. She'll settle back in Texas and we'll have babies together, as women sometimes do when they're close. But Hawaii--so far away! Beyond the Continental United States! It will take much more than a Road Trip to see her then. On the other hand, I get to visit her in Hawaii. Fucking Aye. (Maybe even participate in a Destination Wedding there??? Mere speculation, of course!)

The Trip was marvelous. We left my hometown of Lufkin (in deep East Texas) and headed West to Bryan-College Station, home of our alma mater, Texas A&M University. We whizzed through town and took in the scenery along the historic El Camino Real or "the road of kings" (now State Hwy 21.) We then hit State Hwy 290 to Interstate-35 South on our way to Austin to catch a couple of the last shows at my old hang out Red Eyed Fly (where The Deng like to play) on the final night of the massive South by Southwest Music Festival, held annually. Danielle and I knew a guy from back in the day who worked Security and snuck us in. Hell Yeah! Rock on! The first performer was an awesome retro-country singer who I would have totally been a groupie for back in the 1930's. (Think Hank Williams III.) The next band was an all out rock band with a pretty, badass frontwoman and a super-hot (though barely legal) straight-up awesome lead guitarist. After that we, having had plenty to drink, were like to pass out somewhere soft. And we did.

The next day we enjoyed the amenities of Austin, my adopted hometown. There were Mimosas and Bloody Mary's for brunch at Shady Grove across from Barton Springs and Zilker Park, shopping at the trendy South Congress Shops while having Amy's Ice Cream--afterwards heading to Alamo Drafthouse Cinema to have a glass of wine and appetizers while watching the movie Juno (can you believe neither of us had seen it yet?!) Then we ate dinner at our absolute fave Austin restaurant/hangout, THE Kerbey Lane 24-Hour Diner. The next morning we hit up The Drag at The University of Texas campus and shopped the vintage shops and of course, Urban Outfitters. I got a shirt that said "Global Warming is so Uncool" and laughed about it all day. We dined on the most delicious pizza I've ever eaten at the Magic Mushroom Pizzaria there on The Drag for lunch, before heading south again through San Marcos to San Antonio for some R&R at Danielle's good friends Jacob and Hannah's apartment. As much as I adore Austin, it just reminded me of all I'd lost and all I miss and just how much I miss my own personal Austin. I wished he was there so badly.

When we got to San Antonio, we slept a lot. The weather was bad so we watched the entire first season of 30 Rock and I am hooked. I'm totally gay for Tina Fey. On my second lazy day in S.A., Austin called and told me that he found out his discharge date from the Treatment Center; and he'll be getting out April 15. Then he's got to go to Sober Living for at least 2 months. He's found a really nice place in North Austin that he thinks he can get into. So there begins Our New Life...

The next morning we got dressed early and got out to our car and all the cars in the parking lot were covered, and I mean covered, in thick dirt. As we go to driving, we noticed that it seemed like every car in town was as dirty as ours. Turned out there had been a HUGE fire in Mexico and the weather dumped all the ash on San Antonio. It was so bad we actually had to wash it before we even felt comfortable drving it. The car went from yellow to brown, and it was ugly. That's not how we roll. So on we went to The Riverwalk (where the San Antonio River cuts right through downtown) to eat lunch and drink margaritas (what else?) and see The Alamo. Neither one of us had been there in so long, we'd forgotten how truly gorgeous The Riverwalk is. Sadly I have no pics because Danielle needs to get a new memory card for her camera. But will get them up as soon as I have them, no doubt.

After a great meal of Authentic Border Mexican Food, we stuffed ourselves into Danielle's Volkswagen Beetle. Oh did I forget to mention that? We did our roadtrip in a newer model, light yellow VW Beetle. That's just how we roll. Anyway we hopped on Interstate-10 and shot like a rocket east to Houston, because we had tickets that night to see Fergie-Ferg at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo. I told you we were travelling Texas, didn't I? Anyway, after fighting rush-hour traffic, booking our hotel, dressing, and fighting the goatscrew of trafficular carnage around Reliant Stadium, we missed the entire Rodeo (which was a bummer) but got there just in time to see my girl Fergie! And boy did she put on a hell of a performance, for sure. She covered Zeppelin, The Beatles, The Stones, The Black Eyed Peas, she did most of the songs from The Dutchess, AND even rapped Will.i.am's parts. She rocked the house. Three costume changes and backup dancers and all. She performed like she wanted to be asked back next year, and we had awesome seats to see it (thanks to my old friend Hal from high school, pictured.) I'm totally gay for Fergie now, too. She's the most beautiful chick I've ever seen. my opnion she beat out Gwen Stefani at the No Doubt show I saw in 2002 for hottest rock chick ever.

We spent the night in Houston and woke up and had sweet Gulf-Coast Seafood and cocktails before heading back to Lufkin for me, and eventually Dallas for Danielle. It was a bittersweet luncheon because we both knew the end of the trip was nigh and I know I wasn't particularly thrilled to say goodbye to her, knowing the futures and the accute uncertainties of those futures right in front of us. We discussed our impending marriages, and impending pregnancies...it was a revelation for me. We are Adults. We are Women.

Sometime this idea scares the shit out of me because I'm not sure I know how to be the Woman I so desire to be. Not to mention the inevitable Identitiy Crisis that follows such a promotion, as marriage or motherhood most definately qualify. Sigh. Then I look at my finances. On paper my life is in shambles and I have no idea how/if I'm going to be able to come back from all the damage I've done to myself in the false belief that I didn't deserve the things I'd worked for and were capable of. I've destroyed my "life" to the point that I wonder what's the worth at times. I can only hope and pray that life or God himself has something in store for me because I don't know how much longer I can make it alone in this perpetual ghost-town of a home-town, absolutely starved for affection. I eat too much fried food and smoke way too many cigarettes as it is. I need to feel happy to feel healthy.

Feel Me?

Regeneration (Here Comes The Sun)

2008-03-09T12:30:00.000-07:00

So things are going well. I had a chance to visit Austin weekend before last. It was better than good to see him and hold him again. He had to go back to the treatment center after 12 hours, and, as always, it was hard saying goodbye. We've been living separately for over a year now. Still, there is no love lost. I think I've found the one.
Being a manager at the Cookie Store has been fun and challenging at times. We've got alot on our hands with some of our employees. And of course there's my crazy boss to deal with. But who doesn't have to deal with crazy bosses??

I feel a new wind of change blowing in the Pines this year. I smelled it as it roared over the plains of central Texas last month. As the flowers bloom, I feel myself doing the same. It's time for me to stretch out once more. It's time to see the world again with newly brightened eyes. It's time to come out of the darkness--for good.

I've lived for 1000 years and consequently slept for 1000 more years. I traveled all over the world in a dream and died in an instant, only yet to be reborn.

Local Celebrity [insert cigarette here]

2008-02-09T14:57:00.000-08:00

I've been working a lot. A Lot. It's sometimes quite a chore managing some of my partially retarded coworkers. I'm Beat. Right Now I'm watching It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia on DVD with my brother, who's in for the weekend from college. Danielle and I are planning a major roadtrip over Spring Break, celebrating my 26th birthday. We're planning a trip to Austin to catch some of the South by Southwest Music Festival and see friends, then on down to H-Town to see FERGIE! at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo. The Dutchess. Hell yeah! Those tickets are incredibly hard to get. I'm SO fucking excited, I could laugh and cry at once.
[insert cigarette here]
Well, it's almost Valentine's Day and that happens to be the biggest day of the year at work. People love to buy cookie cakes and give them to their sweethearts. We even did a local commercial for the NBC/FOX station here, starring myself and Alex. It's pretty good, for a local commercial, not too cheesy.
[inhale]
I've seen a few old friends from high school in the past few months and it's been good all the way around. A particularly close friend from those days, Junko (she's half-Japanese,) came home for a month from Germany where she's living with her husband who is stationed there in the Air Force. They have a child with a brain deformity--encephaly. She came to the states for treatments for his seizures. I hadn't seen Junko in years and years, after we'd had a bit of a falling out after gradating high school. It was nice to see her again, but my heart breaks for her and her son. He will only live to be about age five. It's hard for me to swallow that someone once so close to me is having to deal with such sorrow, and so young. I suppose I've seen sorrow, but of a totally different, selfish kind. She seemed so serene about the whole ordeal. I could see the pain in her eyes but it was me seeing a woman there instead of a girl for the first time. I wish I could see myself like that.
[insert cigarette here]
After seeing another old friend, I found out that not one but two more of my friends are pregnant now, Malee with her first and Misty with her second...and Jennifer herself just had twins! All at 26 years old! I'm looking around and seeing most of my classmates and peers getting married and having children and starting families. It's gonna be a while until I'll be married, and I can't even think about having kids right now! Is there something wrong with me? Or am I just slow? A late bloomer, if you will?
[exhale]
Thank God myself and my closest friends are still single.

With Love from Lufkin

2007-12-26T17:50:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I start training for my new position as Manager at the Cookie Company. Although a minor accomplishment, I am very proud because I've worked my ASS off for those guys all through the holidays. I've never been a manager, and I'm fairly excited. I finally feel like I've reached something--whatever it is I've been working towards. I STILL need to finish my Relapse Prevention Plan. I know, I know...I just want to be resolute when I actually do make it, and Cold Feet have become an issue. It just seems like a huge step and it's kinda scary. I think I'll make it in my own time.

I got two dozen roses from Austin for Christmas. They are beautiful.

Beautiful.

I love him. I miss him. I think 2008 will be a good year for us.

(that's obviously not the correct date)

Christmas was cool. I shot skeet for the first time, with a 12-gauge. I'd never shot a gun before. I missed my first shot, but hit every one of the rest. 4 of 5 shots. I made the guys jealous.

I love that.

In case any of ya'll have ever wondered where in the hell it is I live, I now have something of an explanation, thanks to a certain Mr. Tom Hanks and a particular Ms. Julia Roberts. I imagine you've heard of the new movie Charlie Wilson's War. Charlie Wilson is a politician from Texas, not only from Texas, but from my very own small, deep East Texas town of Lufkin. Not only from my hometown, the aforementioned Mr. Wilson actually lived in my neighborhood of Brookhollow, down the street. Represent!

Thank God I didn't see any ex-boyfriends (this means you Gingerfish) here in

L-Town, which is always a perilous feat during the holidays. Although they're not quite over yet. I'll be for damned sure keeping my fingers crossed.

Jam for the Day: Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie

Santa Baby

2007-12-11T16:45:00.000-08:00

This is my picture-gift to Austin in Rehab. He's not allowed to have a proper Christmas with gifts and such. I remember what that was like, so I can't let my baby feel unloved this year. I miss him terribly.

So I did this at the Mall on my lunch break. HoHoHo.

Otherwise, I think the Big Yellow Sign speaks for Itself.

Jam for the Day: Blue Christmas by Elvis Presley

To My Future Mother-In-Law

2007-12-03T19:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Sheryl,

I am so sorry I haven't been in touch with you. I pray you don't take this personally, and I sincerely hope you know that I simply ADORE you and your family. You know I love your son. Please don't think I havn't felt guilty about not calling you. I know I already told you about my issue with other people's mothers from situations in my past. And after staying with you and going to see Austin together I really felt like I had gotten over that. And I had! But now, I'm realizing it's a much, much, deeper problem. I know you think you went through one of the most dismal family situations, and I know you did, but as nuclear as my family may be, mine is perhaps more tragic. My family doesn't know how to be a family. Not at all. And we are one! We are not close, and go for months without seeing or speaking to each other sometimes. As hard as it is for me to feel like part of a real family, a close family, it's even harder for me to feel like part of someone else's family. And being in what I feel is the lowest part of my bipolar cycle, I just procrastinate and procrastinate until surprise! it's been two weeks--months sometimes. It's also been an interesting experience becoming engaged and realizing how much that changes things and how much I have to change to meet the challenge. That on top of this rehab thing and being so far away from Austin keep me fairly stressed out. I hope you understand. I will call you sometime this week and we'll talk.

I love you Sheryl, and could never ask for more in you...

Love,

Blush

Thanks Giving

2007-11-22T20:06:00.000-08:00

My uncle Bob, Myself, My aunt Karen

Goofing off with my brother Sam

Clay, Blush, Sam, Carissa, Cailey, and Danica.

Also Known As: The Cousins

Me and Clay. Goofing off runs in the family, apparently.

The chicks in my family are beautiful.

Oh and there's Sam in back to support us!

Down The Rabbit Hole (Just Ask Alice)

2007-11-08T07:47:00.000-08:00

Hey kids! I've been bored. On Halloween at work we dressed up as Alice In Wonderland because kids trick-or-treat in our small town mall on Halloween. So I worked baking cookies and giving them to kids as Alice, pictured right. (Blush as Alice, Meredith as the White Rabbit, Jenae as the Queen of Hearts, and Alex as The Mad Hatter. The results were fairly trippy. Me as a Blonde!) As I was making my costume I thought, I am getting too old for this...but the end result was enough to tip the scales into the fun-after-all column. The Boss is sending our photo into the Corporate office in Atlanta.
Austin is away. He is in rehab at this hardcore place in Central Texas. I rarely get to talk to him, though I did see him recently for a short visit. I spent the night with his mother and rode up there with her and then back to College Station to meet my own mother and get back home. He is 5 hours away from here, his mom lives about halfway in a small town called La Grange, Texas. So you see the difficulty for me in getting to and fro without a car. It was so worth it when I looked into his eyes and in an instant remembered why I wear this man's ring. He held my hand and apologized. I am proud of him regardless. I've done the same stupid things for the same stupid reasons. The warmth of his hands was the warmth of my best friend's hands and I knew I loved him. Regardless.
I was very nervous to spend so much time alone with my future mother-in-law, but she just loves me for some reason and I love her back. We got pedicures and ate out and had a wonderful time. She even likes Bright Eyes so we jammed in the car. She is an awesome lady. Given all circumstance, he looked good when we saw him; I think his short stint in county jail, this place, and his recent conversion to Christianity will straighten him up, and I am really much more nervous about my own fate.
After I finish my Relapse Prevention Plan, I will be discharged from my own outpatient rehab program. It's been a rocky road for me here in ye olde hometown, and living at home like I did as a teenager can be a bit overwhelming. I find myself in a constant identity crisis. This is a ghost town of sorts. Last weekend at the mall I saw an old friend from high school, a close one even, that I hadn't seen in ages. I missed her wedding. She has twins now. It's all so surreal. I feel the need to get out of here but I don't have the means yet. I've finally found a good way to get my bipolar medication for free from the manufacturer because I can't afford insurance on the cookie girl's salary.
Insurance. Speaking of, I've made a friend, Misty, through outpatient whose family owns an Insurance Agency here in town. Her brother is the manager. She's been working for them since she's come home and told me that she's about to get her own license and she wants me to be her assistant! This job would be a dream come true. Fuck minimum wage man. As much as I like making cookies and decorating cakes, fuck minimum wage. Plus, the Insurance Store seems like the premier place to work for people desperate for insurance, like myself. So I'm preparing my resume, in hopes that after the beginning of the year, I'll have a career change. And I adore this girl--she is just so awesome, and in recovery, and I think we'd be great friends. And she wants to give me a job where I'll never have to dress up for Halloween at work again. I may have fallen down the rabbit hole this year, but I'm thinking, just maybe, there's a light at the end of that dark tunnel. And it's looking like it might just be a bright one.

The Prodigal Daughter: I'm Not Dead Yet

2007-09-14T20:26:00.000-07:00

I've been to church twice this week. We're having autumn Revival at my small East Texas Baptist church. We had a Black preacher come preach for us and he was AWESOME. I adore Black preachers. I don't know what it is but they keep it real and truly "bring it." And I needed it to be brought, desperately. On Tuesday he preached about being shackled. He did the whole sermon in handcuffs as a literal illustration of those things in life that hold us back. He spoke about addiction and fear--it was as if he were speaking straight to me. He spoke of grudges and forgiveness. Sometimes the only way to break the shackles of hatred is to forgive the hated. This struck me somewhat deeply. A few days ago I cried out in no uncertain terms that I was very angry with the people that sexually molested me as a small child. What you must understand about this situation is that these were people I didn't know--female daycare workers--and that my childish brain repressed all memory of the incident, although it was a big deal and the cops were involved and everything. I always felt there was something wrong with me, and that I wasn't good--but I never knew why. Until I was 18 years old. That's when my mother told me the whole story. It was so surreal. Something you never think could happen to you already did. It took me a few years to really come to terms with it because with no memory it was just a story about my past self. I finally came to grips with the reality of what happened when I had a memory through clinical hypnotherapy. It was the best day of my life, because for the first time, it was real. It wasn't just ME that was inherently wrong...someone hurt me and took that away from me. What I remember most in the memory I did have in my subconscious was the fear. The incredible terror. Like falling out of a plane or going downslope on a roller coaster. I hadn't been able to forgive those people for doing that to me because I have no memory of who they are or anything. Nothing. I wouldn't recognize them if we ran into each other on the street. When the preacher started talking about forgiveness, I spontaneously choked up. It's those people still holding me back. It's those people I must forgive to finally be free of the shackles they put me in, for better or for worse. I knew what I had to do. At the end of the sermon, the preacher broke free from the handcuffs and tossed them to the side of the room. During the Invitation, I went to the altar and fell on my knees to pray. I prayed that God would help me forgive those people, so that I may break free from the chains I find myself in. Well that amongst other things. As I rose to retake my seat, I saw the handcuffs lying on the floor and stopped short. I looked at them hard. Without real knowledge of my actions, I picked them up and looked at them even harder. Slowly I turned around and carried them over to the altar of my Lord, and dropped them there for Him to take care of. I made my way back to the family pew with a satisfied smile on my face. God was the key. He always was and always will be. It was the first of many shackles to be broken.

That's Some Real Conversation For Your Ass

2007-09-11T13:06:00.000-07:00

That's the best line from a rap song ever. It was funny when Dr. Dre said it, even funnier when Ben Folds sang it in harmony after going on for verse after verse of bitches, shit, hoes and tricks. It's on my mp3 player. It makes me laugh every damn time he says it. And oh it's not really as bad as I write about though it makes for good dramatics. It still sucks though. Although visiting "the country" is nice, I much prefer a more urban lifestyle. I'm telling you the country and the city are like night and day. I was born in the sprawling metropolis of Houston and lived there 10 years, where the city stretches as far as the eye can see, so it must be in my blood or something-- because just being here sometimes is like to make me die of restlessness. It's SLOW out here. And forget going incognito. I miss the great anonymity and spontaneity of the city. I do like making cookies, however. Really I do. I also decorate the cookie cakes, and that's always fun. Today I made 9/11 themed slices, an American Flag, an I heart NY one, and an FDNY chocolate and red icing. No wonder I have gotten fat. Ha! The mornings in the Mall are interesting, and totally different than the nights. You know how you hear middle-aged parents bitching about the punk-ass kids hanging out at the mall? ...Just give it 20 years and you'll be there too. Old people come just to hang out at our mall and talk to each other about the weather and shit.. Seriously. Just like the high school and jr. high kids do at nights. Only the old people come at 10 in the morning and are asleep by the time the oh-so-scary emo-goth-kids show up at the mall, ha. And I bake the cookies and serve Dr. Peppers for the people. It's really a nice concept for a job, I mean, I bake people cookies man. Everyone loves cookies and that kind of shit. So I'm happy to make them happy. You get to know all the people that work in the mall and that's cool too. I just wish "the cookie lady" made more money.

Yeah.

Doing Time On Earth

2007-09-10T13:42:00.000-07:00

Last night I cried myself to sleep. This morning I cried before work. I feel so worthless, so unnecessary. I am perfectly miserable. Somedays are worse than others, but I need to know this is going to end. It must end, right?? I am so lonely without him. I do not fit into this town at all. Now I understand why Jr. High and High school posed such a challenge to me back then. I don't belong here. I never belonged here. Austin is the first place I've truly felt at home. It's strange. And to be so far away from what you love can kill a soul. (That's a double entendre.) I am so angry. Angry and sad is a bad combination for any addict. I want to know why god made me bipolar. I want to know why god let those awful people have sex with me when I was just a 4 year old baby. I want to know why, why, why! It makes me think he doesn't love me. Why couldn't he have made me normal so at least I had a chance? Add in the addiction and it's like I'm fucked. Doomed to mediocrity or worse. So tonight I am going to talk to my drug counselor Ms. Linda. I love her with all my heart. She is a long time Lufkinite who actually went to school with my uncle. She is a fine and wonderful Black Lady. There was much racial tension back then around East Texas, that my family actually got involved in (we were the good guys.) This is a story I think I shall relay sooner than later. Anyway she is awesome. I love her as much as I love Lois (my shrink) and I've known Ms. Linda for less than 6 months. I've been with Lois for more like 8 years. I love them both and consider them the best of friends. Ha. My shrink and my drug counselor are my best friends. Let's pretend that never happened, shall we? Anyway, Ms. Linda is moving to Dallas to be closer to her grandkids and I am so sad to see her go--I'm not done with this outpatient thing until November 1st. Since I work at the Cookie Company in the Mall, I made her a decorated cookie cake for her going away party. I am so proud of it, as it is the first one I've ever made and I'm so excited to give it to her. Don't worry about me in the aforementioned part of this mammoth paragraph, Ms. Linda will make it all better.

I look terrible in that picture; I had just gotten off work, baking cookies all day!

the poem on the cake says:
We're so sad to see you go
Because we love you Linda Jones!

White People Love to Say "Bling"

2007-09-03T19:43:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a long time but not much has changed, not that anyone cares. I'm still struggling through this rehab thing, still living with my parents. I feel as if I should have some kind of degree in abnormal psychology by now but alas, I have nothing of the sort. I do have a job however. I am the head baker at the cookie store in my local mall. We only have one. I'm the novelty act on display for everyone at the fuckin Mall doing my thing for minimum wage, which actually makes me quite the popular person, as everyone wants a cookie. I see people that I went to high school with on a pretty regular basis. People I haven't seen in years and years. People whose names I forget until the moment they walk away. People whose respect I always wished to have, though I've never been quite sure why. Now I'm selling them cookies. At least I can still make their children smile.

Otherwise I hate the mall-people. Seething hatred that burns through my very veins, not unlike a drug. Everytime I see them I hate them more. I watch and I wonder at the market rabble and pray to God that I don't become one of them, though I fear it too late. I mean, I've been to the mall. I've been one of them. It's scary and it's true. It's scary because it's true. That's the nature of the beast, eh?

Austin is away for several months dealing with legal issues. I suppose that's the nature of that beast they like to call "addiction." Unfortunately, I have been there before, so I understand. My poor baby!

So I am all on my own these days. Well, me and the cast of Law and Order: SVU, which is by and far my favorite company kept. Detectives Stabler and Benson are fucking hardcore. And when there's predatory sex involved it's easy to despise the enemy. I always seem to somehow identify with the perps when there's only murder involved, like in other Law and Orders. I can just see how that was one fucked up situation. Maybe that's my inner anger. Probably. Or perhaps my never-quite-make-it-to-the-finish-line ethical situation mixed with compromised values, which makes watching the E! channel just that much more fun.

Boredom With a Pinch of Flattery

2007-07-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

America, Fuck Yeah!

2007-07-04T11:45:00.000-07:00

"Give me your tired,
your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside
the golden door!”

HAPPY FOUTH OF JULY TO ALL OF US!

Regardless of what you may believe, this is still the country that we love, and for many reasons. We live in a nation that believes in freedom. Freedom of religion, freedom of speech, personal freedom, as well as the freedom to change. For without that particular freedom, the United States of America wouldn't be what it is today. And thats why I love this country. We adapt, we change to fit the populous' needs. I could never live anywhere else. Today is a day to remember, however, that freedom isn't free. Many men, our fathers, grandfathers, and great- grandfathers, fought and many died so that we, You and I, might enjoy the freedom that our forefathers once only imagined. So thank a vet today. And don't forget those currently serving--for it is their sacrifice that makes us able to be the freest people on earth today. Thank someone for their service on this sacred day. Please don't take it for granted, because god help us, if we don't do our part, the beauty of that freedom we so enjoy could one day disappear like dust in the wind, and without our freedom, who would we be? Remember: Freedom isn't Free.

Crazy In Love

2007-06-27T20:23:00.000-07:00

I love you with all my heart, Austin Cox. Please don't ever forget, even though we are apart right now. I promise that I will do everything in my power to make sure you always feel it, because my love will be right with you, unfailing, forever and always. You are the light of my life and the light in my dark. Your smile melts my heart and makes my days. You mean so much more to me than you'll ever know. When we lived together, I fell in love with you every day, and continue to fall in love with you all over again every single day that passes. I fell in love with you all over again when I got to Dallas on Monday, at the movies on Tuesday, when you held me on Wednesday, yesterday at the Museum (and last night in bed, hehe) and then today as we said our temporary goodbyes--and I'm sure I will do the same tomorrow, and the next day, the next day, the day after that, and so on and so on. I hope you get the picture. I love you, I love you, I love you--one thousand times I love you. We are the only ones that can tear us apart, so I'll be handling everything with care, because I never want to be without you--you are my everything in this rotten world. Thank you for being so beautiful, your smile makes my life worth living.
I hope this was coherent...

Love Always--To Infinity and Beyond!

Blessed Assurance

2007-06-19T07:20:00.000-07:00

Last night I made love. Love like never before. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
Ecstatically.
For hours we were overtaken. I fell in love all over again. And again, and again.
We made love like armageddon and eternity rolled into one. We made love like there was no tomorrow, and no yesterday. We made love for the unknown, for the future.
For our future--together.
I've got a ring on my finger now to prove it. The most beautiful symbol and a constant reminder of why Life is worth the Living. Love.

He is The One.
He is the Man of my Dreams...
He is my Past, my Present, my Future.
He is my Gilbert Blythe and my Rhett Butler.
He is my Indiana Jones.
He is my Mr. Big.

Holy shit! We're getting married! Dreams really do come true. I am the future
Mrs. Austin Cox.

Strong Enough to Bend

2007-06-13T11:50:00.000-07:00

It's been too long since I could bring myself to the keyboard. My treatment plan requires group therapy five days a week and it's pretty draining. I do realize at this juncture that it's not the end of the world as I described in my previous post, over a month ago. Although those feelings are valid and still quite at work in my mind and heart, I have become more accustomed to the changes around me. Turns out "Recovery" means that you have to change EVERYTHING in your life. You think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not. Everything. I am not very happy with their declaration that once you're a drug addict, you're always a drug addict...
That fucking sucks.
However I have had some pretty good times during the past month. Group is not always terrible, and our preacher's missionary daughter and her FIVE kids came into town and I went to the zoo with them, where I took this jewel of a picture. Yes those turtles are doing it. Every time I see it I laugh. And I need things to laugh at, if only to keep me sane.
I am planning on attending class at Angelina College here before I leave.
Leave. Yes, I am leaving. I am living in a town full of ghosts and I've got to get the fuck out of here.
Austin and I have made a plan to make a new start in College Station next year. We are going back to school at Texas A&M University, where neither of us have very much left to finish. We made this decision when he came in to see me on Memorial Day weekend. We ate lunch, took a Sunday drive, and even rode the kid's train at the zoo. It was so romantic; me in my sundress, the bright blue of the sky and the deep green of The Pines--the children ran gleefully around us in the kind of setting only an antiquated watercolor painting could capture correctly. I look forward to many more of those times with Him. I am hoping to fly to Dallas for a week very soon.
He is The One. Really. When you Know, you just Know. It's Indescribable.

This is my ring. (check out the subtle but super cute heart setting!)

This is his ring. (sexy.)

Oh yeah, it's like that.

Hanging On in Quiet Desperation

2007-05-01T15:50:00.000-07:00

Man oh man I hate this. I cannot describe to you the emotional distress I'm experiencing. I haven't wanted to talk about it because it's embarrassing and They make me talk about it. I hate Them. It's not Their fault, but I hate Them nonetheless. I also haven't wanted to talk about it because I've been made knowledgable to the fact that being a drug addict isn't so bad of a problem and I should quit whining until we find a cure for cancer and acheive world peace. So I shut the fuck up. I know there are more people with more problems than me and of course it makes me feel bad that I have a home and a warm bed and food to eat and I still don't want to wake up in the morning.

Apparently I am a drug addict of the highest caliber. I took a "test" today at outpatient rehab and they wanted to send me back to intensive, live-in rehab. Dammit I swear every time I tell the truth someone wants to institutionalize me. WHY? Aren't I good enough? No. Never will be.

I hate this place it is no longer my home.

I feel like there is nothing to look forward to. The people in Recovery say that feeling will go away. Bullshit. It's not going away yet. My spirit is dying. I have a very hard time relating to these people because for most of them being Sober is the only thing anyone has ever expected or hoped that they acheive. Not so for me. Being Sober is the least I could do for "them," comparatively. My cousin is competing to become Miss fucking Texas for god's sake. I mean what do you say at Thanksgiving?

"So what have you been doing???"

"Well, Rehab was a blast."

"Oh."

Yeah. Sucks. This is where I am. I just don't see it getting any better.

I feel so beat down. Having to tell these people the most embarrassing, horrible, shameful events of my life--having to rehash everything I've tried to distance myself from. I don't trust Them, any of Them. The wound is deep this time.

It's a selfish program.

When I hear myself telling Them this drug, that drug; this many years, that many years, I hear my own voice screaming back at me YOU'RE A FAILURE, YOU STUPID ASSHOLE.

I don't want to do it anymore. All I've ever wanted is to be normal. This is nowhere near normal.

It's more the ritual than the drug, anyway. That's where the real addiction lies.

Plus, everyone I know in Recovery is fat. I don't wanna be fat.

I've never been successful at anything I've done, except MAYBE drug addiction. I feel so shitty about myself I sometimes think maybe I should just do what I'm good at.

Probably not.

But god it hurts so much. I am having major physical reactions to these emotions. I haven't felt this bad in years. My chest hurts, I cant breathe, I get nauseous or just plain sick to my stomach. I am ill. I can literally feel my heart breaking sometimes.

I am mourning Myself.

In prison I learned this technique of turning off my emotions. I try to do it now and feel like I'm going to rip the next person that speaks out of turn to me into confetti. Rip them apart until they feel as bad as I do. Destroy them until they beg god to help them every night like I do.

You know what I think? I think They fucked me up. They make you tell everyone "I'm Blush and I'm an Addict" every time you speak. Well if I'm an Addict then what the fuck am I doing here? Why aren't I high? You know this would be much easier to deal with if I were. But you won't let me though you do make me believe I am something bad, ugly--evil. So I'm a drug addict. A worthless drug addict. If that is what I am, why am I here? Why do you want me to be part of society? Why do you want me to be alive? Why should I try?

These are the questions I need answered.

Sportsmanship

2007-04-29T15:51:00.000-07:00

Last weekend Jeff Gordon, NASCAR driver #24, rewrote the record books.

Call him the king of repeat performance.

After winning Pheonix from pole position last Saturday night and tying the late Dale Earnhardt's no.6 all-time race-win record, he's done it again this Sunday. Starting from the pole today in Talladega, he led more laps than anyone, only to fall back in the pack towards the end, racing up to take the win in the last 5-6 laps. He's now taken that sixth most all-time wins record from Earnhardt Sr., and you can bet it's pissing people off. The wrong people, of course. It is a sad state of affairs when a racecar driver can win a race (or two in Gordon's case) fairly and squarely, and still be booed upon arrival or departure of the track. It's ridiculous. All because the fans that make all of us bitten by the NASCAR bug look ridiculous are pissed off because Jeff Gordon is just that damned good. Fucking smooth as hell. He's kept cool as a cucumber amidst all of this bullshit and only made those that ridicule the ridiculous ones. Even Earnhardt the Junior asked them to cut that shit out. Apparently the Earnhardt tradition is bigger than even the Earnhardts themselves now. So the ridiculous did their ridiculing and were consequently arrested for mocking the very same greatness they came to see that day, and come to see every race weekend. I'd be embarrassed to be the Earnhardts at this point. I mean I understand it's never been easy for a record-breaker (see Roger Maris) but don't we have this thing in The United States of America called SPORTSMANSHIP?

You know what I say to fans of such low caliber?

FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!

JEFF GORDON ROCKS YOUR FACE OFF!!

You're all just jealous because his baby mama is hotter than yours.

Hell yeah I said it. LOL!

28 Days

2007-04-17T18:47:00.000-07:00

I'm Blush and I'm An Addict--

Today I'm grateful for:

Getting out of Rehab.

One day early.

Austin Cox.

All the crazy people I met;

And most of all,

Myself.

And Thank God for Dr. Pepper and cigarettes.

With that, I pass.

Rehab was a blast.

I'm so cool my realness is a testament to fakeness.

I'm back and better than ever.

Anger Directed Only At Myself

2007-03-20T09:16:00.000-07:00

Forgive

Sounds good

Forget

I’m not sure I could

They say time heals everything

But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt

There’s nothing left for me to figure out

I paid a price

And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice

I’m not ready to back down

I’m still mad as hell and I don’t have time to go round and round and round

It’s too late to make it right

I probably wouldn’t if I could

‘Cause I’m mad as hell

Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said

Can’t you just get over it

It turned my whole world around

And I kind of like it

I’m not ready to make nice

I’m not ready to back down

I’m still mad as hell and I don’t have time to go round and round and round

It’s too late to make it right

I probably wouldn’t if I could

‘Cause I’m mad as hell

Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Fear and Loathing in Lufkin, Texas

2007-03-20T04:35:00.000-07:00

Today I am hurt. It has been pointed out to me that I make myself nothing but a victim. Well I suppose that's true. I'm a victim of myself. I fuck myself every time I turn around, and not in that good way. So now I have to face the consequences. I will probably find out exactly when to report to Rehab today. I am terrified. I am embarrassed. I am ashamed. I feel like I can't make it through this. I feel like I'm just not worth it. I'm a junkie, and nothing's gonna change that. It's just a lost cause. I'm a lost cause. Because in reality, I have accomplished nothing. I may speak otherwise but it's the awful truth. An awful lie. The only thing I'm good at is doing drugs and now they are taking that away from me. Leaving me with nothing. A huge consuming, sucking void. Sucking the life out of me. I have no talents. I write this although I don't know why. It only sounds whiny and boring. I used to think I was cool but I'm not. I'm just another loser junkie.
Nothing special about that.

Pre-Rehab Junkie

2007-03-19T07:40:00.000-07:00

Blush and Her "Sister" Meagan in my old empty apartment

A teary-eyed Blush after picking up her old work hat.

It was so hard to walk out of that store.

Oh, the flash is too bright for my drug addicted eyes!
Ya'll know our kind only come out at night!

Ricky was so angry with me that I was going to miss our birthday celebration on March 11. He lectured me like he was my father or older brother.

It surprised the hell out of me. That's when I knew he really cared.

Your girl Blush, Lufkin, 2007

They Still Love Me!

Excerpts from My Life MakeGood Use of the word Fuck

2007-03-14T18:27:00.000-07:00

Dearest Austin,
I missed talking to you last night...I went to bed really early, like at 8 o'clock, because I'm really bothered like I was telling you yesterday, but I'm not sure by what. Most of the time I feel like I could jump out of my skin. And for no real reason even! I can only hope that rehab makes me happier like it did James in the novel. (A Million Little Pieces) 'Cause he didnt seem like he was ever gonna like it. And I don't dislike it I just--it was like that time I got high by myself in our old apartment in Austin, I fully realized the depths of my own junkiedom. In doing so I've given up or something. I was so all about being sober. Now I'm not all about anything. I'm not even all about getting high. I would rather sleep through my life. The fact is, I am never comfortable, and most of the time I want to scream bloody murder. Though I think of Austin and if I were there, working at Chevron or Freebirds, I think I would feel much the same way. Although I know there my course of action would most definately be to get high about it. I am so depressed--I must just miss you so much I don't even know what's going on because I have never missed you before--you were always there. I don't know; it's just everything. I know I will not meet any new, cool, or fun people here. I have already been there and done that like 10 years ago. I know I have nothing to look forward to. Everything is so bleak. I don't feel like I have the strength or the power to make things happen like I used to, and I guess I know where god is but I dont like it. No I fucking hate it. I don't know if I can do it all again. Help me Baby! I don't know what to do.

Fuck.
I Love You,
Blush

NEW artwork! untitled as of yet

And For A Minute There,I Lost Myself--I Lost Myself

2007-03-04T09:35:00.000-08:00

I went to Austin this weekend to say goodbye to the dearest of friends and to clean out my house and move back home. It was a trying weekend, to say the least. All I wanted to do were drugs because it all hurt so much. I had to explain to them all what I'd been up to the past few months, again and again so that everyone understood. I told them I loved them. I told them thank you for giving me the best time of my life. Seeing Ricky crying when I left the house broke my fucking heart. Because then I knew I had hurt the people that loved me--that I never realized. I've never thought of myself as a loveable person, and that was almost too much truth for my poor heart at the time. I, too, bawled--tears streaming--as we left Austin, and I watched the city disappear behind me in the rearview as we turned onto HWY290East. The way back home. But can you ever really go home again? I think not. My room is now a hodge-podge, mish-mash of my glorious high school years, my dim college years, and my happiest times in Austin. It's a roller-coaster of emotion just walking in there, I swear. Although I do think I'll get back to work on the mural I started on my four-panel closet door though. There's not even much left, although it's been what...8 years coming? Sigh. I am trying to be as close to god about this as possible, as this is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Letting go. I went for broke and that's exactly where I've found myself again. I just don't see any other way to live my life. Regardless I find myself in shitty situations because of some immature ideology I learned in Eleventh Grade English class. Fuck prison, I'm scared to death of Rehab. Seeing the faces of my friends when I left them and leaving my life in Austin was/is the hardest thing I've ever done. Really. I moved to Austin with my last paycheck--not much--two suitcases, and a bus ticket. And look what I built. A home for myself and Dinah. I made every dream I ever had lying in my prison bed happen, only to destroy it all as well. I found my freedom there. I regained my love in that town. Love for myself, love for life, and love for the sake of love. Not to mention I fell in love in that town. Everyone wants me to come back but it scares me. I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to be anyone else's disappointment anymore. I don't want to have it all just to lose it again. My mother and my therapist believe otherwise. But I can't help but feel that I want to give up. When we left Austin, Texas, I felt I lost a part of myself. I made myself there. Where is my identity now? It's surely not here in my hometown of Lufkin. Hometown. That's a joke. This town has changed so much, socially AND physically, I barely even know it. So I am scared. I am depressed. I am everything negative in the world. I'm gonna try everything artistic that I know to fight it though. Because that's what I am. I can thank god at this point for only one thing: Thank you for making me a fighter.

Something To Look Forward To

2007-02-22T16:15:00.000-08:00

I smelled springtime in the air for the first time today. Pollen, rebirth, and regeneration soon to follow. Rehabilitation. Sigh, I've done this all before. It's eerie, actually. Last time this happened it was February. I'm looking at the calendar and it looks like it's about that time once again. When this happened previously, Bright Eyes had just come out with two new albums. Again, their newest one is due out this April, with an EP out in just a few days. Hopefully this will inspire some kind of creativity in me. At some point this year I've got to create not one but two paintings that I'd been commissioned to do before life blew up in my face. This is of supreme importance. I haven't painted or drawn or put anything down visually in so many years I fear that I've lost whatever talent I had that produced my previous works of art. I'd decided back in jail to give up visual art for the written word because, let's face it, I'm no Picasso. At some point in life you've got to realize what your strong points are, real or imagined, and go with the real. But for some reason an awesome lady back in Austin wants me to paint for her. I'm super nervous about the endeavor--I'm no professional. Never had a serious art class, don't really know how to paint. I guess now's as good a time as any to learn, right?

First Grade

2007-02-21T17:02:00.000-08:00

How am I going to do this? I don't know. I'll figure it out. God this year is going to suck. I'll be spending my 25th birthday in rehab. How did things get this way? Today I was dusting the house and found an old book my first grade teacher made me of stories I wrote back then, illustrated and all. I was pretty ambitious for a 6 year old; the spelling is the best thing I've seen in a long time. However, I found one particular story to be quite depressing--a story that's run through my mind more than once in the past few years. I was surprised to see it still existed, and I guess proves the wisdom of a child, even if they have no idea what they mean at the time.

"I hate drugs! No way! Drugs make you go outofcontrol! Drugs destroy your hart. And they make your brain go outofcontrol! People use drugs becoes they thank it's good for you. But it isin't very good for you. If you take drugs you are making a big mustake. Cigarettes are disgusting! Wisky is disgusting, too! So Say No to Drugs!!!"

Is it okay if I cry a little now??

I Laughed Out Loud

2007-02-20T13:50:00.000-08:00

Fox News is the greatest channel on the planet. Not to be taken seriously, of course. Not that they take themselves seriously. Anna Nicole rules my world. A girl can't have too many baby-daddies, I mean really. And I could just kiss Britney Spears on the lips. She made rehab cool in an instant, so it seems that I'm right on time.
Maybe I'll shave my head...

Maybe not.

So I was looking up shit about rehab last night since I don't know anything but what I learned from the school of hard-knocks. All the shit they tell you in rehab I already know. It doesn't take a genius to pull a Nancy Reagan and Just Say No. But you'd think it does since the 12-steppers' success rate is like 5%. Then I found this:

Before rehabilitation programs began people recovered from alcoholism and other compulsive and obsessive behaviors. It is important to understand the difference between recovery and recovering. Individuals involved in conventional treatment do not believe that people can ever be free of the obsession to drink or drug. Before treatment existed this was not the case. Past programs promoted recovery or the idea that a person can be who they were before they ever drank or drugged. We teach people that they can be even more than that. The foremost psychiatrist of the 20th century, Dr. Carl Jung, spoke of alcoholics recovering through a "vital spiritual experience" which he described as "huge emotional displacements and rearrangements." Experts like Dr. Jung did not understand these recoveries, but certainly knew of them and thought of them as anomalies. Nonetheless and in the absence of scientific understanding, Dr. Jung and others tried to bring about these "huge emotional displacements and rearrangements" to help alcoholics recover. Dr. Jung reported that some of his patients did recover using these methods, but he had never been successful with anyone who had the "mind of a chronic alcoholic [or drug addict]."

Thank you, Mr. Jung. You're a goddamned genius. I guess I am too, then, because this is what I've always believed, and you've only proved me right. Apparently the ONE center in the country with this ideology has a sixty-fucking-five percent success rate. Wait, isn't that 1, 2...13 times better than EVERY other place in the country??

Hrmm.

You see what they tell you in rehab I just can't buy. If I haven't done drugs in a year, how am I a drug addict? Shit I haven't done drugs in a week, and I'm not a drug addict. That would imply that I'm addicted to a drug. Well I haven't had any withdrawal symptoms since Saturday. So explain to me how I'm addicted to a drug. I'll never understand, and I'll never be okay with that label. I refuse to be "in recovery" for the next 20 years. I have better things to do with my time.

This is what happened to my Austin, poor baby. When someone tells you something enough times you start to believe it. Remember the blonde chick in class who everyone said was a whore? She probably started putting out only after her virginity was stripped from her mind. This is crucial, because she let it be. The only way to change a behavior is to change your mind first. I have no prediliction towards the needle anymore. You see I changed my mind. No I wouldn't mind getting high. If you think about it, who would? Come on. Well it's not worth it. And my mind tells me that so guess what? I'm not doing drugs and have no real desire to. And you'd think a heroin addict--barely a week off it even--wouldn't be able to do that. At least that's what they tell you. Don't ever trust them. The biggest liar in the world is "they" and they always have something stupid to say. The only thing you can do is trust your heart and follow your mind. But you knew that.

There's a man in my heart that I can't hear in my head and it's crushing my soul. The headaches don't stop; still they rage out of control. I yearn for his touch--stronger hands have yet to touch my covered ivory skin. I can't begin to speak on his petal-soft lips or even the rose-hinted smell of his hair right now. You'd think it'd be comforting. Alas, it's too painful. I'm too cold.

Shit Hit the Proverbial Fan

2007-02-19T11:42:00.000-08:00

Wow. I didn't realize it had been so long. I sincerely apologize. Whilst I've been gone shit hit the fan. Boy did it hit that disgusting fan. Since I last spoke to you I picked up a nasty little heroin habit and I'll be checking into rehab within the next week or so. I'm picking up writing where I left off and I'm sure I'll have plenty of subject matter to air my feelings over.

I know you're wondering why. I have a couple of answers, but we'll save that for later. There is always later, right? Well that's what I'm counting on.

I've lost everything now--I'm back home at my parents' house. There was an exciting end to the drama, although I fear the real drama is only about to begin. Going on the lamb from cracked out drug dealers was pretty damned awesome though.

You can imagine.

Set It Straight

2007-02-04T19:17:00.000-08:00

Fortunately, the following moment was fleeting. He loves me, he is the proverbial one. That's the one thing that doesn't seem to change about our relationship, despite all the tumult and manic depression between the two of us. But nothing can be beautiful that isn't just a little bit ugly...you know, for contrast...

Don't you love what is intangible

2007-02-04T05:07:00.000-08:00

I guess I knew love would tear him apart. It fucking tore me apart. Tonight, to be specific. The love of my life--the only real and true lover I've ever known so graciously and with unmatched nonchalantness provided me with the knowledge that he doesn't care about me or us anymore. And that I'm ridiculous. He says he doesn't love me, and that I'm a stupid bitch as well. I am fuckin destroyed. He totally had me. Like, in the palm of his hand. I fear he used me. And he could totally have me again--I just don't know, and at this moment I kinda doubt--that he even wants me anymore. I guess I don't deserve it--a person like me just doesn't deserve love. It's hard to face the truth. Love is the only thing I've ever wanted, and the only thing that's managed to elude me every goddamned motherfuckin time. Shit! Love is the only reason to live--the only reason I want to live. Although after tonight, I cannot deny that I am without that which is so vital to my very existence. Love. But he said he doesn't even care. So the verdict is in: I actualy am completely unloveable, just as myself and I have suspected for years. It's never going to happpen even if I do give the most unbelieveable blow jobs in the entire world (and I do.) It's becoming clearer that the only solution is the final solution. And that sucks.
When reality sets competely in and sets up housekeeping etc. upstairs, a lonely girl realizes that sometimes our dreams just don't/aren't/never come true. And they told me "fuck you lady!" while they disappeared. But that's about right for me these days, I guess.
Life's a bitch, ain't it?? How bout a little Radiohead, eh?

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
And I wish I was special
Youre so fuckin special
But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I dont belong here.
I dont care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
Youre so fuckin special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I dont belong here.
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fuckin special
I wish I was special...
But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo,
What the hell am I doing here?
I dont belong here.
I dont belong here.

The Truth Is...

2007-01-31T09:45:00.000-08:00

I know too much.

What Is and What Should Never Be

2007-01-25T14:15:00.000-08:00

I don't know what I am going to do. I'm in too deep and it's all falling apart. I've been bawling for the past hour or so and I'm not even sure why. Yes I am. Because I can't get away from it. This most hated of addictions follows me like the eyes of a marble statue--gazing lovingly into my face without a hint of real emotion--only that which kills emotion. Why does it all hurt so badly?? The shame and the embarrassment, the shame and the sorrow, the shame and, did I mention, the fucking shame?? I wish I were that marble statue; I just don't want to feel anymore. No more good, no more bad, no nothing. Then maybe, just maybe, when I can't feel anything at all, I will finally be saded, and if I'm lucky, some version of content. Until then I'm going to cry some more and lament what was and what should have been whilst I weep for what is and what should never be.

One and The Same

2007-01-22T23:14:00.000-08:00

Once I had these grandiose visions of what my new life would be--and granted, it is quite different than what it was, however similar--but I'm learning the long (not to mention hard) way that romanticism is the way of the fool. I, unfortunately, am that fool. He says he wants to marry me, and he is serious. I am very sincerely taken aback. I darenot say anything at all, lest I say too much. Times are hard. I'm preparing for times to be only harder. I don't know if we'll make it. Sometimes I don't know if I'll make it. But I know I must. For I am The Romantic--I mean The Fool--and as such, I will forever thrive on change and that which hurts the most.

The Trees Get Wheeled Away

2007-01-15T08:45:00.000-08:00

Anchormen spike their blood
Wear masks of mud--
Cucumbers cut to fit their eyes.
So no one would know
How tired they've grown
Of talking and telling their lies.

While your TVs change stations,
Scroll messages
Victims and Christians both drinking blood...
They'll pray for the destruction of all hatred--
More often--
Just those with hate for us.
Cause it hurts when you discover one's worse and one's better
To suffer, or cause others to
And you can live by your conscience--
Now guilt is a concept you're no longer subscribing to.

There's a virgin in my bed
And she's taking off her dress...
And I'm not sure what I am gonna do.
There's a song stuck in my head
And I can't help singing it--
Oh how I hope my singing pleases you...
Cause this is not who I've become
But what you make me into.

Oh, we got no health insurance
No cellular service
No disease they can't cure...
But we need more money to burn
So each person must learn
The dollar amount they are worth.
And those pills make me dizzy
Forgetting my body
I watch as it walks away...
But I just keep drinking the poison
And smoking the cartons,
A pack and a half a day.

So when time comes to claim me
My friends and my family will gather around my grave...
They'll believe that they knew me
And love me and miss me
And all call me by my name.

So imagine what you want
And then hold on to that thought.
Cause that's as close as it will ever come...
And believe you're where you are
Keep acting out the part--
But at the end of the day, the trees all get wheeled away...
And you'll be standing alone in a blank, blank space.

So believe you're who you are,
And stay in character...
But at the end of the play, the audience walks away.
And I'll be shivering cold on a well-lit stage.

-Conor Oberst

A Blue Christmas without You

2006-12-25T17:22:00.000-08:00

I am home. As in home-town. It's cold and it's raining and there's nothing homey about any of it. The entire place has changed in the past--jesus christ--almost 7 years. Seven years I've been gone, and back, and gone again. I don't know that I belong here anymore. I'm unsure where I belong really. I have a home in Austin. Right now that's the only place I want to be. In Austin with Austin. Regardless, here I sit with three coats on because the fucking heater broke. Yes. It gets cold in Texas once a year and that one time is the time our heater decides to stop heating.
I had to take a klonopin because I was on the verge of a panic attack earlier. Packing and the idea of flying home tomorrow irks me. My flight here was a nightmare. It was rainy and shitty outside and my flight was delayed, unbeknownst to me. This would have saved me lots of stress and panicking--throwing things in bags and busting ass to the airport. I had planned to carry everything on the plane to make it easier. But those were the good old days apparently. I knew I'd have to take off my shoes but I honestly didn't realize that the TSA would escort me out because I had a bottle of hairspray. So I threw it away and made it through security to find out about my delayed flight. So I go back out, get my shit out of the trash, put it in my bag, and check it. Cool. I still have my other bag, with the shit I really need. Except this time I don't make it through security somehow, and they DID escort me out, because apparently I look like I wanna blow up a plane with a bottle of perfume. Man I just want to go to Christmas with my family. Fuck. I couldn't help but let them have it. So I go check my other bag with ten minutes to departure, and make it back through security, thrice, JUST in time to board my flight. Turbulence the entire way, and I still haven't eaten. So I get to Houston but my bags do not. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid. Instead they got put on the next plane from Austin to Houston because apparently Christmas packages have to be checked by the TSA. I am like what the fuck is going on in America these days? The whole world has gone crazy. I finally make it to Christmas like 4 hours late and proceed to get drunk enough on Merlot to argue politics with my dad. Ha. That's when you just don't care anymore. So I am now traumatized, and I do not want to have anything to do with the fucking airport tomorrow when I go home, although that's the only way I'll be getting there, and it's the only place I wanna be. Thank god he'll be waiting there for me.
Christmas was pretty cool, I got everything I wanted so I can't complain. I have a bad habit of doing so anyway. Right now I am nervous because in a few hours I'm supposed to have drinks with two old friends I haven't seen in years, and I don't know if I still know who they are. These were my sisters you see; but they left me at a crucial point--and I hate to say it but I believe that was the beginning of my downfall. I try not to blame them for not wanting to get sucked into the downward spiral I was most certainly in, but it hurt. I didn't realize until today how much it still hurt. I desperately want to be friends again, but there is so much history that I am just not a part of that scares the hell out of me. I feel ganged up on. I thought it was just gonna be Erin. What if they don't want me now just like they didn't want me then?? I know if that were true they wouldn't have called me this morning. But I'm scared nonetheless. Why is it that when I'm scared I just want to sleep? If I could get under the covers with my Bear forever I think that'd be okay with me, though that just won't do. If I'm going to live my life, I'm going to have to confront it.
So being "home" has been a huge disappointment. All the friends I had before are gone. And I had lots of friends. No one answers their phone for me. They don't know me anymore. Truth is, I don't know them anymore either. I'm just so goddamned lonely. But we are going to the bar tonight. It is Christmas Evening. Everyone should be in town at their parents' and ready to get the hell out of the damned house. People I haven't seen in years. Ex-friends. Ex-boyfriends. I've been so concerned about Erin that I just realized there's a great possibility that I will run into Joey, or worse, Gingerfish with his new fiancee.
Man fuck that.
I bet I'm prettier than her.
That's what counts, right??

Ho Ho Ho

2006-12-25T08:04:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I promise I'll get back to writing, that's my Christmas gift to you. Along with the universal gift of humor. (See Above.)
xoxo,
Blush

Merry Christmas

2006-12-23T09:10:00.000-08:00

Our cool fiber-optic tree. Happy Holidays!

Mother? May I?

2006-12-22T01:45:00.000-08:00

So it turns out that the editor really liked my review--enough that she wants me to be a regular contributor to the e-zine, meaning she'll pay for me to go to shows I wanna write on and all. Rock the fuck on. And so now I'm published; and you can read me (if you haven't already in the last post) right here!
Scroll down and you'll see mine. I'm so proud of myself. Everyone has praised it and I'm starting to feel like this is something I could really do. Something I'm good enough at to make a life of. Well besides having children one day. However fearfully, I've been thinking more and more that instead of some liberating career, god put me here for one very simple reason. Unconditional love. And I'm not one to argue with god, no way. I trust him to liberate me in a way no job nor career ever could. So I'm thinking about being a mom, as a career choice, traitor to my generation though I may be. And for the first time ever, motherhood sounds really fucking appealing. I guess that's what being in love is about though. Right?

http://www.stavemagazine.com/

Dear Kurt and Dearest Conor:

2006-12-20T23:39:00.000-08:00

I am up late after working nine hours straight, all fucking night, and now I'm listening to Bright Eyes, but feeling rather like you, Kurt--I just wanna get high. I wanna forget all this shit. I'm so very sad, and even lonlier, tonight. I settle for White Zinfandel and funny cigarettes. And even more cigarettes after that. My lover is in the other room, in bed, wanting nothing to do with me, although I don't know why. I fear that he simply loves drugs more than me, or even himself. I'm done with that shit now though. I have to be no matter how awesome it would be to just binge for a week. Fucking aye. But fuck that. I'm so angry at myself for coming here of my own volition. Now I realize what's really going on, but I'm in too deep now. I feel so angry. Angry that I let myself fall in love when I fucking knew better. You know I knew better! God I do love him. I'm tempted to say "loved" because I don't know the man sleeping in our bed anymore it seems. It hurts so badly I shut it out. It's all I can do. Ya'll know I never drink alone--but here I am, face warm and I've got to take a piss already. I'm afraid. I'm so afraid that I know what I'm going to have to do--and I don't want to do it. At all. Fuck this shit. It's not fucking fair. It's so hard to have faith when you're smart enough to grasp the reality you've put yourself in. And the reality is that there's nothing and no one you can count on --fuck what "he" says. The universal "he." He'll always leave you and in the end all you've got is Blush and if you're lucky, a Danielle or two. But I just had to fall in love with him. I just had to. It's never going to happen is it?? Kurt, please tell me otherwise--please tell me things will be normal if I just keep believing. Tell Him that. Tell Him what you learned and what you regret. Please do it for me, because I fucking love Him. I fucking adore Him.

Conor--thank you for always knowing exactly how to say something I need to hear. You have a knack for that. I've never felt so comforted as by your voice. When you're here with me I don't feel so alone. Please stay with me until he comes back, because it's hardest to be alone when you're right with the one you want--I'm sure you understand. So stay with me until he's back to being my Austin, because he is coming back to me, you know, my Austin?? Right?
Love Always,

Blush

Small Time Band--Big Time Sound

2006-12-18T09:09:00.000-08:00

I knew that A Pocketful of Deng was about to start their set because suddenly there was a crowd where only a handful of people had just been. Minutes before, Red Eyed Fly was littered with wandering 20-somethings with seemingly nothing relative to each other, save their cans of Lone Star Beer. All this changed as five finely dressed young men with unkempt hair and chronically un-tucked shirts took the stage.
A Pocketful of Deng are a five piece, Austin-based, experimental/progressive rock band, and arguably one of the more entertaining bands in their oftentimes pretentious sub-genre. This is really just Rock and Roll. Encompassing everything from punk rock to jam bands, Pocket play to their own crowd, unique as is the band itself. Forget The Scene; Pocket deliver what most up-and-coming bands these days cannot; something for everyone. The band’s eclectic sound is a direct reflection of their fan-base—a delightful mix of all kinds of music, for all kinds of people.
Blonde and right in line with the likes of Robert Plant, Vocalist Patrick Husband knows his audience. He knows they want him, regardless of whether it’s known to them…yet. With an elegant but haunting moan, reminiscent of The Doors’ Jim Morrison, Husband lures his listeners through the looking glass and into a world of metaphor and make-believe. A night with The Deng is just another trip down the rabbit-hole, a question mark in a vast field of absolutes. As lead guitarist, Travis Larrew takes on the role of The Pied Piper, leading listeners on their journey with tightly hewn guitar licks, demanding riffs, and a style he makes his own.
Listing influences such as Radiohead, Beck, and of course The Beatles, Bassist Jackson Ellis has a difficult time describing A Pocketful of Deng as only one entity, as each member’s differing tastes can sometimes clash so that they actually sound brand new. Their sound seems to constantly develop on its own in front of the crowd, growing with it, and I can’t help but feel that none of this was planned at all—it all seems to happen spontaneously before my eyes. Billy Gardner’s stage presence and proficiency with the harmonica bring subtle soul into the mix, deconstructing the traditional formula for rock songs with a fusion of blues and punk, entwined neatly with galloping rock anthems and good old dance-floor rock and roll. Ellis, Gardner, and Larrew’s chemistry on stage is truly Pocket’s strongpoint—watching them play together is as natural as it gets, convincing the audience that this was all somehow meant to be.
High-octane melodies and Rob Edmiston’s drum-fueled rhythm, combined with top-notch showmanship prove to be Pocket’s greatest strengths and immediately sets them apart from every other long-haired rock band you’ll see in any given bar in downtown Austin. These young musicians aim to please their crowd, and that they do, very obviously, with much pleasure. Except that the pleasure was all mine. If musical diversity and the lyrical revival of acid-rock pique your interest, A Pocketful of Deng have just what you’ve been looking for. A trip with The Deng proves to be a refreshing, if long-awaited, trip down the rabbit-hole.

When All Hell Breaks Lose

2006-12-17T17:10:00.000-08:00

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to write. Hence the silence. No I haven't forgotten my craft--the hiatus was necessary to protect the not-always-so-innocent. Heh. Seems like I've gotten myself in another pickle. Nothing I can't get out of. I'm a sneaky one I am. But I'll talk about that in due time. It's too soon to know anything.
No I'm not pregnant. You've got to be kidding.
Even though I do fear he is the proverbial One. And you see that's the problem.
He's got a problem. The very same one that I share. Except that he's not here right now because of it and now we are both lonely. And scared.

I've said enough now onto the good shit--
I've got my first writing "gig" for an online magazine promoting local bands. I wrote my first live show review for my boys in A Pocketful of Deng. I just turned in my final draft, so it should be up soon, I'll have to show it off to ya'll. So in the spirit of getting back into the spirit of writing again, I thought I'd share that with you when it's up and online. Baby steps, right?

Talledega Nights is the funniest shit I've seen in ages.

Nascar Sunday

2006-11-07T00:12:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I attended my first Nascar race. It was a spectacle of American Engineering. The Dickies 500 at Texas Motor Speedway. I can't even tell you how awesome it was. We had pit passes and we got to see into the garage and all the pit stalls. We saw two of the more popular drivers, Denny Hamlin and Kasey Kahne. I even got to touch Jeff Gordon's tires. His fucking tires, man! Super sweet. We were in the infield, which is inside the track, and sat inside Turn One to watch the race, if you can call it that. Those cars go so fast it's hard to even focus your eyes on them. Apparently they broke all the track records for speed yesterday. I think they topped out at 205mph. I have so much more respect for every driver out there on the field. That's scary shit. And it's so loud. Even better than a rock concert. It was unbelievable. When they started the race I almost pissed myself. Haha!
Here are some more pictures. We didn't get any of the race because the camera battery went out during the rain delay. But I'll never forget how it felt--in fact I'll remember every Sunday.

Touching Jeff Gordon's Tires

Jimmie Johnson's Car Under Inspection

Rain Delay

Thank You Austin!

Long Time No See

2006-10-07T17:12:00.000-07:00

Yeah. So I've been busy, but perhaps you figured that. I promise I'm doing okay. I work everyday and usually only have time to be with Austin before I pass out sleeping. I have been very stressed out; I haven't felt like writing. Some things have happened, but not my usual shit. It's hard to be dreamy when you're always sleepy. I fear I am always sleepy due to stress and an improper balance in my brain chemistry. Oh yes. I did have a breakdown a week or so ago. My mood stabilizers ran out and I pretty much just lost it. I was a crying wreck, it was awful. So I put in a call to my mom who put in a call to my doctor and got me another prescription quick-fast and in a hurry. I was okay by the end of the night; I had just finally caved from the stress. But everything was peachy you thought? I'm sorry to disappoint.
Things are rough all over.
My jobs suck. Yes both of them. I mean they could be worse, but they could be better.
It's been rough being in a new relationship at times. We've been through the getting to know one another fights, and the ridiculous fights, and the extremely serious fights. I still feel the same way about him and him me. And the make-up sex is unbelievable. It's strange, but wonderful. I adore him, though I wonder what is wrong sometimes. We've talked about how each of our parents used to fight when we were young. I wonder if we are merely destined to repeat patterns. If so, I'm fucked.
I met my one year anniversary of moving to Austin, which was a huge deal. To have stricken out on my own like that, away from my family and my father, well that was most definately the wildest thing I've ever done. He told me I could never do it. I guess I did anyway. I have a habit of that.
I think it's just divine providence.
One of the things that is helping me to do that is Austin himself. We've combined forces so that we can both have a roof over our heads. Not that we don't like each other as well. So he's moved in. This makes things complicated because for the first time I find myself in a very adult relationship, one where money rears it's ugly head occasion after occasion. When you're poor that tends to happen, especially when you're both "rich kids." But seriously, I'm in uncharted territory here, as I'm sure he is. Here we go again into the unknown.
Last month Steph and Meagan and I went to the Austin City Limits Music Festival here in town. We only went on Saturday, and really, I don't know if I could take all three days of it. It was dirty and hot as hell, but seriously badass. The first show we saw was so rock and roll. This emo-kid named Ben Kweller was playing when his nose starts bleeding profusely during the first song. But he kept playing. And when I say his nose was bleeding I mean it, it was bleeding all over his guitar and everything, making for excellent imagery, what with the emo vibe. Meagan loves this kid and is all, "oh poor baby!" and I'm like, yeah right. Poor baby--*snort*
...Now that's rock and roll. To have your nose bleed on stage from partying all night and play through it bleeding all over your instruments. Haha! Fucking aye. They finally had to haul him off stage after he bled all over the piano in the fourth song. Then we saw The Shins, and then The Raconteurs with Jack White. This was my highlight of the day. Jack fucking White embodied rock and roll I swear it. He channelled Jimmy Page up there. It was like having an hour-long eargasm. Rock. Next we saw Willie Nelson. This was a show that thoroughly astounded me. It had been hyped up around town something awful. You gotta understand that Willie Nelson is the epitome of Texas Music down here. He's worshipped like some kind of Saint in this town I swear. And that's my parents' music. My mom even saw Willie at a similar festival (the Picnic) when she was my age. So it was funny to me that all these punkass kids were so hype to see Willie; it was the rowdiest, hardest to get into crowd at the whole festival. And when he went on I knew why. I have never seen someone with so much soul in their face. You feel like you really are in the presence of some kind of divinity or something, it's crazy. Or maybe it's just the pot. Haha. But really, the night was so sweet--listening to the music that my parents fell in love to, and watching my own generation of Texans fall in love to the very same sounds. The last show we saw was Massive Attack, which was again funny because we had just come from Willie and trust me those are two entirely different crowds. It was like the most badass rave I never went to. Because raves were lame. But this one would have been badass.
And it was.