Mad Men

Men. What to do with them? As soon as my old boss at the hotel found out I got a new job, he wanted me back. Madness. I guess thats just how the male sex rolls, as soon as they can't have something they want it back. BUT that's okay with me. After a week or so at The Finish Line, I was having terrible panic attacks and I realized that the job wasn't for me, not now, in my recovery. I've been switching medications like a drug addict to get myself back to normal. I have so many pill bottles I feel like an elderly person. And in light of that, I just couldn't continue with the job, plus....

I GOT MY OLD JOB BACK!

Up and Down

Yesterday was up and down. I started a new job, because my old boss at the hotel was dragging his feet and I couldn't wait any longer for cash flow. I started to panic, and put feelers out into the employment world and got some applications, etc. An old friend of mine, Robbie, just started her own marketing business after leaving the ministry to focus on her family, so being such close friends, I called her to pray with me about my situation... and she told me she had a job for me! A client of hers, owner of a local business called The Finish Line Sports Sub Shop had hired her because he needed a new manager and pretty much all new employees due to mismanagement by the old GM and crew. In a matter of a few text messages I had an interview the next morning at 10am. Needless to say, I got the job, and am being considered as the main candidate for General Manager!

It's a salary position, which would be my first. starts at 26k/year, and although that may not sound like much, it's still over twice as much as I've ever made per year, even with 3 jobs! This is an amazing opportunity for me, and I am so excited. Many people would see going from a hotel to food service as a downgrade, but food service is so fun. However, so was my old job at the hotel.

I did my orientation at work yesterday for about 2 hours and learned the basics and had a great time. My new boss and I really hit it off. But then I got home, and it hit me, I'm not going back to work at the hotel. I had just COUNTED on it, and I LOVED that job. Loved the job, loved the guests, loved the staff, loved my boss. And it's gone now. All gone. I only have myself and my illness to blame.

Everyone thinks I'm crazy because The Finish Line affords a much larger opportunity (indeed, a life-changing opportunity) but it still hurts when you lose something you love, and it's still scary to start a new job, especially one with potentially more responsibility and stress. I will miss the Holiday Inn Express so much, but hopefully the new job will be everything it promises to be.

Wow I just talked to my new boss and he was so impressed with me in the 2 hours I worked yesterday that he put me on the schedule for 30 hours instead of the agreed-upon 15 to be orientated. In addition, he's going out of town for a couple days and leaving the store with ME. I am really excited but nervous, but more excited. It's looking more and more like management!

Colorful Colorado

It was like 57 degrees out and sunny, and when we finally got to Copper Mountain we saw the snow, beautiful champagne powder as far as the eye could see. I had missed it so!

Hot Chocolate with a Shot of Vanilla Vodka :)

On the Slopes with Danielle at Copper Mountain.

Skiing was a dream. Amazing conditions and warm so that you could even wear your jacket open. I hadn't skied in TEN YEARS so I was very nervous, but it's just as they say, as soon as I put my skis on it was like getting on a bike!

Danielle had a meeting at her work in the Cherry Creek area of Downtown Denver (a quite trendy part of town) so I hung out there waiting for her meeting to be over.

It just so happened that an old friend of mine from high school, Jennifer, lives only a couple blocks away from the bar I was hanging out in and we got to catch up. Small world!

We took a trip to Boulder, a quaint college town, and had a our picture taken in (a) boulder.

My favorite picture from the entire week!

Alive Again

I’m alive again

More alive than I have been

In my whole entire life I can

See these people’s ears perk up as I begin
To spaz with the pen,

I’m a little bit sicker than most
Shit’s finna get thick again...

Tragic But True

The time that I've wasted is my biggest regret;

Stuck in this place I will never forget.

Memories of past times always stay near;

But vanquished by this waking nightmare.

I lie awake at night while others sleep;

A stream of pictures swarm my mind with each heartbeat.

I await the day I can be with my Love;

Praying incessantly to the heavens above.

Until then I must lie in this blistering hell;

Confined due to my very own will.

Hear me now, lost souls, heed my words;

Don't allow the darkness to overpower your urge.

We are all on this path, sometimes tragic, always true;

But if you stop looking down, the whole world awaits you!

Like Shooting Stars...

I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now.

Who Will?

Sometimes the thoughts floating in my head turn on me.

Well, most of the time. I understand who, what, when, and where, but not why.

I don't understand why they turn on the situations they turn on.

Thats a lie, yes I do.

I am jealous, envious, so so envious.

I want what they have so badly I can taste it. So, so badly.

I want a man that loves me, one that will take care of me and help me make supper.

I want a house with all my beloved things and photos and loved ones.

I want enough money to pay the bills for those things, and to afford organic foods.

I want a marriage filled with fun and with laughter and love...

I want a love to end them all.

Now I want these things, but I am dubious as to how they could ever come to fruition due to my chronic illness.

I am Bipolar, and although it doesn't make me feel any less, I know people do think of me as so.

Because of my illness, my past isn't a very pretty picture.

Because of my illness, my present isn't a very pretty picture.

Because of my illness, I do not know what the future holds.

It hurts when I see the normal people.

The normal people who live their lives normally.

Their lives make so much sense, they get married and have kids, and they don't bounce checks.

They don't have to take medication morning, noon, and night, nor do they have to be hospitalized for stability at times.

They are already STABLE.

Stability: the one thing I long for;

I hold on to it so tight that sometimes it gets destroyed and I find myself...

Completely out of control.

Two of my friends just got engaged, just now... IT KEEPS HAPPENING.

I am happy for them, really I am, but...

Will it ever be my turn??

Would it??

Could it???

I fear not.

Who will want my past?

Who will want my present?

Who will want my uncertain future??

To Blog Or Not To Blog?

I look and I like.

I look and I like what I see.

I look and I like what I see in my married friends' home.

I envy the thought of Them.

I looked around Downtown tonight.

I looked around Downtown tonight and liked what I saw.

I looked around Downtown and I saw lots of beautiful people.

I envy the thought of Them.

I met a guy.

I met a cute guy.

I met a cute guy named Aaron.

I envy the thought of a cute guy named Aaron.

I lie in a bed.

I lie in a bed that's not mine.

I lie in a bed that's not mine but not His...

I envy the thought of Him.

I remember me.

I remember me in Love.

I remember me in Love with Him.

I envy the thought of Me.

I love you.
I love you lots.

I love you lots with a cherry on top.

I envy the thought of You.

I Shit You Not

I'm glad you liked the pictures, that was my point! The one of us in our field uniforms I have framed in a Starmakers frame, ...remember those?? It's in my room right now, I shit you not.

I love that picture, always have!

And BE GLAD you were chubby THEN because you're so SO THIN NOW! And gorgeous! I have the opposite problem, I'm pretty chubby NOW as opposed to THEN, and yes our hair WAS pretty out there! Ha!

Anyway, yeah. The hospital I checked into was sort of a mental hospital. People with all kinds of non-emergency room/non-surgical problems go there, but I went for stability on my medication because I was having real problems with stress making my body give out physically and it got pretty bad, I was VERY weak. Then I relapsed on drugs and had some serious suicidal thoughts. I called Dr. Pat Todd and she suggested I go, and I was down because I just want to get better.

I don't mind telling you the dirty details because it's you and me sweetie, heh!

They rediagnosed me with Bipolar 1 which is more manic (Bipolar 2 is more depressed) MIXED meaning I have episodes of more manic or more depressed, with Panic Disorder and Substance Abuse issues. But in the hospital I had a Harvard-Educated Psychiatrist (who looked just like Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, actually) and he helped me to get on the proper medication for my diagnosis, and observation was simply necessary for such a drastic change.

And yes, I have taken medication for many years now. I started taking an Anti-Depressant our senior year of high school, back when those pics were taken actually. I started seeing Dr. Gonzalez, who helped me SO much for the 10 years before she retired. I have you to thank really, because I dont know if you remember, but you suggested her to me way back then (because she had an ad in the Panther Pride calendar.)

I had THOUGHT the medication was working, but now that I've been to the hospital (Brentwood Hospital in Shreveport, LA) I that realize that it WASN'T, not like the meds I'm on NOW. They reworked everything, and the therapy sessions were pretty intense. Imagine a therapy session from 7am-9pm with a 2 hour break and 3 meals and with 5 smoke breaks (thank GOD!).

But yeah. We did a lot of good "work" and I realize where many of my problems truly lie and what I need to work with Dr. Todd on. (I LOVE HER, we text all the time!) I have suppressed a lot of shame, guilt, fear, and anger over these nearly 29 years and it's finally coming out in a healthy way, rather than drug abuse which is only me trying to hurt myself, really. That and sabotaging every good thing in my life, thinking that I dont deserve it (subconsciously of course.)

Things really WERE going well for me, especially last time we talked. I always get uptight and usually have some kind of breakdown over Christmas, and this year was especially bad because I just always want everything to be perfect for everyone, but it seemed like everybody around me wanted to fight, sometimes with me, even my extended family (and that NEVER happens! We just talk shit about each other on the phone later, heh!)

So yeah when you have mental issues things can fall apart really quickly, before you even know it. Luckily I have a large support base, and my work was SUPER supportive and I will be able to come back to work after I get back from a recuperating ski vacation in Colorado the first week of February. I am going up to see my BFF Danielle in Denver and she's gonna take care of me for about a week or so, heh. Did I tell you I had been promoted to Front Desk Manager? My boss says I will make a lot of money for him one day, heh. I think I wanna go back to A&M for a bachelor's in Hotel Management. I LOVE the industry; so far so good!

Your encouragement and love mean so much to me Kimberly, really. Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers. I am so glad we made friends back in 8th grade drama class at Junior High West.

Holler at me next time you find yourself in L-Town!

Love Always,

Blush

The Elusive One

I might have found HIM, the elusive ONE. No kids, never been married. Good job, great family, my age. Finally, a gentleman! Unfortunately, I've never dated a good guy. Obviously, I am not that kind of girl.

We have TONS much in common, and Jeremy seems to truly like me for who I really am.

My parents LOVE him. In fact, my Dad picked him out for me! (They are even going deer hunting together next month in West Texas--my Dad thinks that he and Jeremy are best drinking buddies, heh.)

We grew up in the same neighborhood, went to the same High School and College (Texas A&M University) but didn't formally meet until about 2 years ago at a tailgate party at an Aggie football game, even though our families are old friends! It's a small, small world when you're from a small, small town.

We are taking it slow, very slow, because this JUST MIGHT be IT and there's no way I'm fucking IT up...again!

I'm getting way too old for that shit.

We had our first kiss just last night.........and it was wonderful! I can't wait to see him again.

A Very Special Thanks

Hey There Casey!

I hope you are your family are doing well! Just a note to tell you thank you so much for teaching and showing me how to be a good office manager.

After working only a month at the hotel (Holiday Inn Express here in Lufkin) I took over for the Front Desk Manager who had to take maternity leave. I immersed myself in the work, as I was totally clueless at first, and now it's looking like I'm going to get promoted to Front Desk Manager permanently because I do a better job than her, and because my boss adores Lacy, I feel like I've really accomplished something!

But now my boss loves me more because apparently no one has ever been so organized and kept track of documents and all the administrative stuff AND do the regular shift work as well as me, and I attribute much of that to you, teaching me to write EVERYTHING down and make hard copies of EVERYTHING and files for EVERYTHING :)

I think I finally found where I belong. I LOVE hospitality, and this is the best job I've ever had (next to Powertrol, of course!) I absolutely love it. I think I want to stay in the hotel industry and make my job a career. Long overdue, I know, but at least now I know what the hell it is I want to do with my life!

In other news: I'm also finally seeing a "good guy" but taking it slow because I'm too old to fool around anymore! His name is Jeremy Pittman, uncle Dennis' best friend from High School's son. He was in the Corps at A&M and is best friends with little David, big David Cook's son. Daddy picked him out for me, and we are on the verge of seriously dating. It's crazy how Daddy can be right on when you least expect it.

Anyway, you helped me so much back then at Powertrol, and you're still helping me now!

Thank you so much for taking an interest in me, I miss talking to you and even your lectures, heh! Thought you might want to know it really did help! :)

Love,

Blush

One Hell of a Hiatus

Wow. I finally have something to talk about!

Unemployed for six months, I had become extremely depressed. Let's just say I was a hot mess.

However, Danielle's bachelorette party in New Orleans and wedding in downtown Dallas WAS fuckin amazing--and totally helped me see the light again.

Jason and I broke up but stayed best friends, living together with my mom, almost like brother and sister.

Strange, yes. Normal, not at all. But it worked for us somehow this summer.

In September I got a job as the Front Desk Manager at the Holiday Inn Express here in town. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT and want to turn this "job" into a "career." I think I was made for Hospitality!

Maybe it's the Texan in me.

Jason finally got a good job, but it is out of town. Almost the moment he left for Houston, he decided he was still in love with me. Then he got transferred to rural Kentucky, installing fiber-optics. Jesus, what a bombshell. We still have the same stormy relationship, but I took him back, because things were supposed to be different this time.

I had to play out the feelings I cannot deny I still have for him. It wouldn't have been fair to either of us, or anyone we might get involved with in the future, to leave this "undone."

He is here this weekend for Thanksgiving, and somehow I feel like nothing has changed at all. I just don't feel special like a girlfriend should with their boyfriend. Maybe our past is insurmountable, I cannot tell. But suddenly now that I'm not interested in a boyfriend but in a career, my ex confesses his love for me and I've also got two other guys wanting to date me seriously.

Good God! I can't handle one, much less two or three! Will write more about this later. I'm really conflicted over it all, heh. I'm always conflicted over something.

But you knew that.

This year I am thankful for: my job, Burn Notice and Law and Order: Special Victims Unit Marathons during the week, and the E! network on weekends. The Aggies beating the Longhorns yesterday, my brother Sam's and my epic night in Dallas, Momma and Daddy, and my best friends, Danielle and Jason.

Wildflower Landscape

I finally got the courage up to dabble in the fine arts again...this is one of my first real paintings EVER, and I am really quite proud of it. It captures my favorite time of the year in Texas...springtime. Everything is alive and in living colour. Wildflowers cover country pasture-land and grow alongside highways, brightening mundane drives and reminding all of us that God is very much alive and well and at work in Life.

picture taken with camera phone

American Saturday Night

So Brad Paisley was awesome. I hadn't seen a country concert in years (much less a rodeo) and Mr. Paisley fuckin' rocked it out. He was SO hot, as he played a guitar solo I grabbed Jason's leg and squealed "I'm so horny right now!"
Awesome.

I've just been sorta lying around being lazy and depressed due to my lack of employment...I've been living in a great state of boredom.

Surprisingly, another great State, of Texas, has jumped in to help (which would be the first time for me, usually its the state of Texas holding me in prison or rehab, but what the hey--water under the bridge, right?)

My friend Rhonda has developed a nasty coke habit. So I can't hang out with her really, it's too much temptation. I feel like I'm losing a sister-friend, but I don't know what else to do, ya know? When we met, she was so against hard drugs. Now her husband thinks she's engaging in ...immoral things to get it. I have never been so disappointed. I miss my FRIEND.

Jason and I are really happy right now. I'm going through my long bipolar cycle--12 months of normal, 4-6 months of crazy. I'm in the "crazy" 4-6 months right now. So I have my good days and my bad days. The medication really helps.

My old friend Courtney is back in my life. We dated brothers in High School. She's working at a local deli and bakery called The Lunch Box and she's pretty sure she can get me on there because a girl walked out on her shift the other day and I don't know of anyone who could get away with that and NOT get fired, heh. Courtney's been talking me up and she thinks it's gonna happen. I sure hope so, because even though I got approved for unemployment (which is SUCH a big help) I've gained like 15 lbs. from sitting on my ass all day instead of moving around at work.

I have GOT to get in shape! Danielle's Fabulous Downtown Dallas Wedding is sneaking up quickly on me! Not only am I maid of honor in but my TEN YEAR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION is coming up in the fall. I've got to plan the Bridal Shower AND the Bachelorette Party. Never been in a wedding before--this is new territory--and I'm kinda at a loss.

Good God.

As for the reunion I am super excited about it really, I haven't kept good touch with many high school friends due to several precarious years in my past. It will be SO good to see them all...
The only thing is most of them have a career or are married and have not just one but sometimes two kids! Which is a bummer for me, not only do I work high school type jobs, but I don't have much to be proud of at all. I felt like if I had some darling little children, it would be completely different. My life would have so much more purpose and I would feel somehow justified in my station in life.
And the Fact is, most of the friends of mine that have had children are still as thin as they were in high school! What the fuck is that?! I have always battled my weight and I've just got to get in shape before the wedding and reunion.

I am seriously thinking about hiring my Elementary school-present best friend Kristin's husband because he's a personal trainer...
That would be the shit.

I printed out my entire blog to start the editing process for a possible book...working title: BLUSH REALITY: Confessions of a Serial Blogger. I've got 1600 pages of material. Yeah. Wish me luck, I'm gonna need it. This could be my big break, you never can tell!

Loves!

Twenty-Eight is Great!

Today is my 28th birthday. Jason and I are celebrating by driving to Houston today to go to the famed Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo to see Brad Paisley perform tonight.
Squeal!

Ambition with a side of Trepidation

SO:

After much thought....
I might just give the old blog format a serious overhaul.

If I made Blush Reality into a book, would you read it??
Would anyone?
That my friends, is a hell of a question.

I think I'll start on editing this week...
"Blush Reality: Confessions of a Serial Blogger."

Feedback, PLEASE!

Hope for the Best, Plan for the Worst, and Maybe End up Somewhere in the Middle...

Hey peeps, my laptop has been broken, therefore posts have been scarce and will be till I get a new hard drive.

Everything is going well with me...haha.
I got laid off,
but I'm getting unemployment.
I live with my parents,
and Jason lives here too now.
I get my heath care from the government,
so my medication is down to $30 from $600.
Jason and I are happier than ever,
except he works 7pm-7am graveyard shifts so I barely see him.
He told me he wants to start a family with me,
but he has to be financially stable first.
From here it seems like merely a dream,
Unfortunately, I'm running low on dreams lately.

I painted my nails in black glitter today.

I thought about college,
then I thought about art.
I thought about love,
then I thought about money.
I thought about hate,
then I thought about nonsense.
I thought about you,
then I thought about me.
I thought about the world,
And how it goes round.
I thought about the Indians,
Dead in their mounds.
I thought about it all,
There's so much to see.
If it so happens that I fall,
Watch me fall on my feet.

Beans and Cornbread (and a long nap)

It's funny how traditions get started. My family isn't big on traditions, but my alma mater is. The way Texas Aggie traditions usually get started is when someone comes up with a totally brilliant (at the time) idea or when something funny happened(s).

If you live in Texas or The South in general, you most likely spend your New Year's Eve involved in much drinking, much dancing, and general debauchery.

A long-time American New Year's tradition is to kiss on midnight on New Year's Eve.

An excuse for men to make out with chicks.

An excuse for lonely women to feel special.

BRILLIANT IDEA (at least at the time...) *wink*

If you live in Texas or The South in general, you most likely spend your New Year's Day involved in watching football, and traditionally eating beans (black eyed peas, specifically) with cornbread, and boiled cabbage. For health, wealth, and good fortune.

Today I figured out the Real reason. Good fortune my ass!

It's the BEST hangover food EVER. AND you get a nap afterwards! Starch attack!

BRILLIANT idea!

Birth of a tradition.

...

New tradition proposal: Playing Wii Sports.

Brilliant idea!

Birth of a tradition?

Can You Meet Me Halfway?

What's with the fighting lately?

This time it was with Jason.

It breaks my heart every time...

I'm too needy,

He's too remote.

Truth is after every fight I feel we are closer than ever.

I don't know if we'll be taking that next step any time soon though.

Relationships can be hard work. But should they be?

When it's bad it's so bad...

But when it's good,

It's SO GOOD.

Can you meet me halfway? Right at the borderline?

That's where I'm gonna wait...for you.

I'll be lookin' out...night and day...

Took my heart to the limit, and this is where I'll stay.

Sweet And Sour

I am trying to work out a lease agreement with my Ex over the truck that we once shared. After saying one thing for months then changing his mind when I did not want him back, he changed his mind and is threatening to take my vehicle and means to work right out from underneath me. I've put thousands of dollars into this truck at this point. The truth is that if he cared so much about that truck he wouldn't have started doing drugs again immediately after he signed the loan. Now he's tripping over paperwork. And then the name calling began. Regardless of the details of the fight, the phrases child molester(?) and crack whore should never come up during a conversation about a lease agreement.

Yeah.

He called me a child molester and a crack whore.

It was fucked.

On so many levels.

Destruction.

That's all I could think about. I was ready to join a metal band.

I wanted to physically hurt him. Destroy him.
It took a whole xanax to calm me down.

Vengeance.

Destruction.

Apparently I did not have the right words for this situation yesterday because pretty much everyone but my own mother thought I overreacted. Jason was wonderful. However childish he thought it was, he still called Austin and told him to shut up and leave me alone.

That meant a lot to me.

So anyway, I've decided to let Kelly Clarkson speak on my behalf:

Sour First...

So what’s your evil attitude
When you got me spending my time pleasing you
Why must you keep me underground
Tell me tell me, why you wanna bring me down?
Is it too much to give a damn
When I GAVE you one hundred and ten
Don’t blink cause I won’t be around
Tell me tell me, why you wanna bring me down?

...Then Sweet.

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you
Now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone