Under your skin

Blogging is weird because sometimes I just don't know what to say but I do it anyway. So I am sitting here waiting on him but he eludes me. It is Friday night and everyone else is at the bar but I don't care to be there. Everyone else has no bearing on me. I am stronger than them. I am made of water. Put me anywhere you want, I'll fit. I'll make it work. I'll fill up your glass and let you drink me dry and piss me out only to return to where I came from. But where is that you ask? I am all liquid transparent glass invisible fortune floating down a stream of consciousness. Neptune and all his satellites swim through my hair in the deep, dark, freezing hollow of your soul without even noticing.

So I am so tired and busy and locked into the grooves of routine, I may never be free of this apathy. Only one evokes feeling but that one is nowhere to be found. He is something completely intangible. What do you call love you cannot hold? He is like water in my hands. Look at me trying to be mysterious and abstract and failing miserably. I said look, dammit! This is a record of my failures...I must document my love. Don't you love me back? Don't you want me still? Aren't I finally good enough? Wait, what took you so long to answer? You're not masturbating to my yearbook picture again, are you?

Please don't try to follow me, I'm going nowhere.

In your endless summer night, I'll be on the other side
When the water is too deep, I will ease your suffering
When the glitter fades in morning, turn away and you will find my empty eyes
Your beauty blinds

Celebrity Skin by Hole is the fucking best album ever. Period.

Sigh of Relief

Okay, so I am the event coordinator for a motorcycle rally/charity event. This is my first venture into the adult world of respect and notoriety, and as insignificant as that might be, it is a big deal for me. Seems like everything I've ever tried to do in my short adult life has gotten fucked up somehow someway. Well, I just do basically what my bosses tell me to. So today someone from the city calls and is telling me that they are going to shut us down for lack of some stupid-ass permit. The event is in TWO DAYS. I am like, holy shit. All the work I've done over the past few months--for nothing. I feel sick. I think I am going to puke. I want to cry but I can't for laughing at how fucked up everything I try to do gets. I wonder what the hell is going on with me, I understand why I've fucked up before, but I've done everything right this time and things are still fucking up. What the fuck? Well, I am happy to say that things are all well again. (Thanks for the concern.) Turns out the fucker that scared me so bad was new at his job and didn't know what he was talking about. When I went up the chain of command, everything got worked out. Thank fucking god. So do not worry ya'lls pretty little heads about me, everything is fine, and probably better than before. Let's just pray that this shit goes off without a hitch. Then my resume will be krunk and I'll be on my way.
So I go to this party tonight that my volunteers put on and it's awesome because I am a big shot running shit and I am much younger and much physically smaller than all of them. That rocks. And I drank just the right amount of wine. It's nice to go to nice places and be treated nicely.
I only wish he were there with me to share my highs and my lows. I miss him so badly. When will we be together? God only knows. I wish He'd fill me in. I'm dying here.

I think I'm going to be sick.

I will tell you later.

Good Hair Day

I am so fucking busy with my rally on Saturday. Until then this is all you get. I will try again later. And yes, that is indicative of my hair today. Aren't I gorgeous? Tell me so.

Like a green persimmon

This weekend had it's ups and downs. It was a shame though that they were so extreme. Regardless, I am back at work today, and I can't believe how glad I am to be here. It can be scary out there! My best friend came down from Dallas for Labor Day. We went down to the Kemah Boardwalk, on the coast, and had a ridiculously fun time doing silly things like flirting with high school boy waiters and riding the carosel. Someday I will post some pictures. I wish I could say more about this weekend, but I am still working it out in my head. It just reminds me of this tree we used to have in our backyard at my family's home. Have you ever heard of persimmon fruit? Well I thought it was so neat that we had a real fruit tree in our yard (after moving from the city) that even though my father warned me not to eat them until they were ripe, I just couldn't wait. That is what this weekend was--bittersweet, like that green persimmon. I just hope the taste lingers. And now work is as familiar as that old tree. But at least I finally found out that I am really alive.

I'm wide awake, it's morning

Went walking this morning. Here are some things I thought about:
Gwen Stefani's album may not be her best work, but it sure is good to exersize to.
Sometime in the past year or so I must have become a woman, because I noticed my hips like, swivel when I walk. It feels kind of weird, but I guess that's a good thing.
Big rottweilers kinda scare me.
Not all grungy men walking down the street are bad-guys.
I want to take up dancing again.
Morning glories are my favorite flower.