Crazy In Love

I love you with all my heart, Austin Cox. Please don't ever forget, even though we are apart right now. I promise that I will do everything in my power to make sure you always feel it, because my love will be right with you, unfailing, forever and always. You are the light of my life and the light in my dark. Your smile melts my heart and makes my days. You mean so much more to me than you'll ever know. When we lived together, I fell in love with you every day, and continue to fall in love with you all over again every single day that passes. I fell in love with you all over again when I got to Dallas on Monday, at the movies on Tuesday, when you held me on Wednesday, yesterday at the Museum (and last night in bed, hehe) and then today as we said our temporary goodbyes--and I'm sure I will do the same tomorrow, and the next day, the next day, the day after that, and so on and so on. I hope you get the picture. I love you, I love you, I love you--one thousand times I love you. We are the only ones that can tear us apart, so I'll be handling everything with care, because I never want to be without you--you are my everything in this rotten world. Thank you for being so beautiful, your smile makes my life worth living.
I hope this was coherent...


Love Always--To Infinity and Beyond!

Blessed Assurance

Last night I made love. Love like never before. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
Ecstatically.
For hours we were overtaken. I fell in love all over again. And again, and again.
We made love like armageddon and eternity rolled into one. We made love like there was no tomorrow, and no yesterday. We made love for the unknown, for the future.
For our future--together.
I've got a ring on my finger now to prove it. The most beautiful symbol and a constant reminder of why Life is worth the Living. Love.

He is The One.
He is the Man of my Dreams...
He is my Past, my Present, my Future.
He is my Gilbert Blythe and my Rhett Butler.
He is my Indiana Jones.
He is my Mr. Big.

Holy shit! We're getting married! Dreams really do come true. I am the future
Mrs. Austin Cox.

Strong Enough to Bend

It's been too long since I could bring myself to the keyboard. My treatment plan requires group therapy five days a week and it's pretty draining. I do realize at this juncture that it's not the end of the world as I described in my previous post, over a month ago. Although those feelings are valid and still quite at work in my mind and heart, I have become more accustomed to the changes around me. Turns out "Recovery" means that you have to change EVERYTHING in your life. You think I'm exaggerating, but I'm not. Everything. I am not very happy with their declaration that once you're a drug addict, you're always a drug addict...
That fucking sucks.
However I have had some pretty good times during the past month. Group is not always terrible, and our preacher's missionary daughter and her FIVE kids came into town and I went to the zoo with them, where I took this jewel of a picture. Yes those turtles are doing it. Every time I see it I laugh. And I need things to laugh at, if only to keep me sane.
I am planning on attending class at Angelina College here before I leave.
Leave. Yes, I am leaving. I am living in a town full of ghosts and I've got to get the fuck out of here.
Austin and I have made a plan to make a new start in College Station next year. We are going back to school at Texas A&M University, where neither of us have very much left to finish. We made this decision when he came in to see me on Memorial Day weekend. We ate lunch, took a Sunday drive, and even rode the kid's train at the zoo. It was so romantic; me in my sundress, the bright blue of the sky and the deep green of The Pines--the children ran gleefully around us in the kind of setting only an antiquated watercolor painting could capture correctly. I look forward to many more of those times with Him. I am hoping to fly to Dallas for a week very soon.
He is The One. Really. When you Know, you just Know. It's Indescribable.

This is my ring. (check out the subtle but super cute heart setting!)

This is his ring. (sexy.)

Oh yeah, it's like that.

Hanging On in Quiet Desperation

Man oh man I hate this. I cannot describe to you the emotional distress I'm experiencing. I haven't wanted to talk about it because it's embarrassing and They make me talk about it. I hate Them. It's not Their fault, but I hate Them nonetheless. I also haven't wanted to talk about it because I've been made knowledgable to the fact that being a drug addict isn't so bad of a problem and I should quit whining until we find a cure for cancer and acheive world peace. So I shut the fuck up. I know there are more people with more problems than me and of course it makes me feel bad that I have a home and a warm bed and food to eat and I still don't want to wake up in the morning.

Apparently I am a drug addict of the highest caliber. I took a "test" today at outpatient rehab and they wanted to send me back to intensive, live-in rehab. Dammit I swear every time I tell the truth someone wants to institutionalize me. WHY? Aren't I good enough? No. Never will be.

I hate this place it is no longer my home.

I feel like there is nothing to look forward to. The people in Recovery say that feeling will go away. Bullshit. It's not going away yet. My spirit is dying. I have a very hard time relating to these people because for most of them being Sober is the only thing anyone has ever expected or hoped that they acheive. Not so for me. Being Sober is the least I could do for "them," comparatively. My cousin is competing to become Miss fucking Texas for god's sake. I mean what do you say at Thanksgiving?

"So what have you been doing???"

"Well, Rehab was a blast."

"Oh."

Yeah. Sucks. This is where I am. I just don't see it getting any better.

I feel so beat down. Having to tell these people the most embarrassing, horrible, shameful events of my life--having to rehash everything I've tried to distance myself from. I don't trust Them, any of Them. The wound is deep this time.

It's a selfish program.

When I hear myself telling Them this drug, that drug; this many years, that many years, I hear my own voice screaming back at me YOU'RE A FAILURE, YOU STUPID ASSHOLE.

I don't want to do it anymore. All I've ever wanted is to be normal. This is nowhere near normal.

It's more the ritual than the drug, anyway. That's where the real addiction lies.

Plus, everyone I know in Recovery is fat. I don't wanna be fat.

I've never been successful at anything I've done, except MAYBE drug addiction. I feel so shitty about myself I sometimes think maybe I should just do what I'm good at.

Probably not.

But god it hurts so much. I am having major physical reactions to these emotions. I haven't felt this bad in years. My chest hurts, I cant breathe, I get nauseous or just plain sick to my stomach. I am ill. I can literally feel my heart breaking sometimes.

I am mourning Myself.

In prison I learned this technique of turning off my emotions. I try to do it now and feel like I'm going to rip the next person that speaks out of turn to me into confetti. Rip them apart until they feel as bad as I do. Destroy them until they beg god to help them every night like I do.

You know what I think? I think They fucked me up. They make you tell everyone "I'm Blush and I'm an Addict" every time you speak. Well if I'm an Addict then what the fuck am I doing here? Why aren't I high? You know this would be much easier to deal with if I were. But you won't let me though you do make me believe I am something bad, ugly--evil. So I'm a drug addict. A worthless drug addict. If that is what I am, why am I here? Why do you want me to be part of society? Why do you want me to be alive? Why should I try?

These are the questions I need answered.

Sportsmanship

Last weekend Jeff Gordon, NASCAR driver #24, rewrote the record books.

Call him the king of repeat performance.

After winning Pheonix from pole position last Saturday night and tying the late Dale Earnhardt's no.6 all-time race-win record, he's done it again this Sunday. Starting from the pole today in Talladega, he led more laps than anyone, only to fall back in the pack towards the end, racing up to take the win in the last 5-6 laps. He's now taken that sixth most all-time wins record from Earnhardt Sr., and you can bet it's pissing people off. The wrong people, of course. It is a sad state of affairs when a racecar driver can win a race (or two in Gordon's case) fairly and squarely, and still be booed upon arrival or departure of the track. It's ridiculous. All because the fans that make all of us bitten by the NASCAR bug look ridiculous are pissed off because Jeff Gordon is just that damned good. Fucking smooth as hell. He's kept cool as a cucumber amidst all of this bullshit and only made those that ridicule the ridiculous ones. Even Earnhardt the Junior asked them to cut that shit out. Apparently the Earnhardt tradition is bigger than even the Earnhardts themselves now. So the ridiculous did their ridiculing and were consequently arrested for mocking the very same greatness they came to see that day, and come to see every race weekend. I'd be embarrassed to be the Earnhardts at this point. I mean I understand it's never been easy for a record-breaker (see Roger Maris) but don't we have this thing in The United States of America called SPORTSMANSHIP?

You know what I say to fans of such low caliber?

FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!

JEFF GORDON ROCKS YOUR FACE OFF!!

You're all just jealous because his baby mama is hotter than yours.

Hell yeah I said it. LOL!

28 Days

I'm Blush and I'm An Addict--

Today I'm grateful for:

Getting out of Rehab.

One day early.

Austin Cox.

All the crazy people I met;

And most of all,

Myself.

And Thank God for Dr. Pepper and cigarettes.

With that, I pass.

Rehab was a blast.

I'm so cool my realness is a testament to fakeness.

I'm back and better than ever.