It's Complicated

A couple weeks later. The feeling comes and goes, as do the days. Always coming, always going. A collection of pictures in my mind; the month has been a rushing blur. A collection of smiles, a collection of tears. And the anger--it's undeniable. I don't always handle it well as anger is a much less familiar emotion than mere happiness or sadness. Most familiar is fear. And I'm terrified.

It's complicated.


If anger grows out of confusion, confusion abounds. It can be tough to take at times, the times when I regret taking it out on certain people. I find myself at a crossroads. I do not know what I want. I know what I do not want.


I do not want to be what I have always been.


I do not want to seek comfort in outside sources; I want to be able to stand alone. Alone. That's how I began and that's how I will end. The older I grow the closer I get to the realization that I can trust no one. Danielle has proven herself. My parents have proven themselves time and time again. Dinah has proven herself as loyal a pet as a girl could want. However, besides the aforementioned, I am on my own, and it's time for me to be a big girl and fucking deal with it. However it may hurt, and it does, it's time to face reality. I'm no spring chicken. If no one has wanted me yet, my chances of finding whatever the fuck it is they call love, depreciate by the minute. Tick. My ten year high school reunion is coming up. Tock. My biological clock is ticking and tocking, ever louder by the moment. Louder and louder. I was really hoping that Jason would be everything he said he would be--he wasn't. I was everything he said he wanted--he didn't. Although he is a much better friend than he was a boyfriend, what about what I want? Is there anybody out there up for the challenge I apparently pose to the opposite sex? Where is my fucking soulmate? I see a disturbing pattern and I want to destroy it. Fucking demolish the piece of shit. Until nobody remembers. Not even me. Yet the question remains: Is there anybody out there? Isn't there? How long must I yearn for Him? How long must I burn for Him? The embers blaze blood red...from the bottom of my broken--but still beating--heart.

Ships

So we finally had the talk. Alot of shit had gone down the past couple weekends. Random infidelity, drunken fights, broken cigarettes; broken hearts. We had to mend ourselves in some way, as the trauma left both of us in a seemingly pitiful state. So we talked. And we talked. We hung out. Then we talked some more. We spoke at our leisure; as things came up. Five hours later, when it was all said and all done, the miscommunication and misconceptions we had for one another were sucked out the window like smoke, it was great. He says he wants to be close friends, that apparently, he couldn't handle the seriousness of the relationship and that it's nothing to do with me. That he doesn't understand himself because he thought this was what he wanted. He seems rather depressed about it.

I was skeptical at first. Obviously. I had a hard time believing that there wasn't something wrong with ME. After talking, I am positive that is not the case. After giving the situation way too much thought and way too much consideration, I decided that I hadn't come this far to lose one of my closest friends, because that's what hurt me the most. The Break. The thought that I'd opened myself up to another--to the tiniest detail--and been rejected. The bond gone; the wound open and bled out. Another void in my life. Yet through this void ripped something perhaps more lovely; petal-pink blossoms grown amidst the thorns.

We may have both tried to rip the relationship apart and we did: but what happened in turn was that we ripped it into a new kind of ship--friendship.

Flawed, but masterfully crafted.

The Break-Up

Dear Jason,

I came here tonight because I thought you wanted to talk to me. I am truly happy that you're out and having fun, you needed to have some fun without me bugging you. Ashlyn told me you are very drunk, partying on an island in Lake Sam Rayburn with Chad. I'm glad you got to be with your brother, I know he's your best friend. I wouldn't want to talk to you drunk anyway.

You are right, we both need to be away from each other. Crystal said you wanted to be friends, which by all indications, you do. I came here to tell you that I want to be friends too. I just need some things explained to my heart before that can happen.

It's gonna take some time to not want you anymore but I realize I made my own mistakes. I came here tonight to talk to you about those mistakes and say some things you probably couldn't have predicted. Hopefully one day we will be able to do so. I am off tomorrow.

It just hurts right now because I feel outlawed in this society because they all love you and I'm relatively new and expendable. I guess.

I wish you would have been here, because I was really ready to do this, and now it seems as if your concern was all fake. Please don't let me go on believing that it was ALL fake for too much longer. That's what makes me wanna be mean to you--and I don't wanna be mean to you!

Of course it hurts that it's over. But apparently it wasn't meant to be. If it was lust, whatever it was, I understand that. It's a break-up, I just need a little time to get over you. But please give me this one last thing so that I can move past the pain and hopefully into a cool friendship with a guy that I still think is one of the best guys I know.

Sincerely, and with regular Love,

Blush

Please Don't Confuse a Bipolar Person

Another argument.

Sigh.
He says he needs space. Then he says he wants me. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. No matter what I do it doesn't make him happy. I get the feeling that he is done/tired of me. I've been crying at nights for almost 3 days now. Just as soon as I really fall in love with him, he doesn't want me anymore. But then he invites me to the 4th at his family's house. Now I'm really confused because he says he wants space, then invites me to see his family. So yeah, I've been acting kinda crazy because it seems like I'm getting mixed signals.

But I do love him, and I don't wanna break up. I hope it doesn't come to that.

One extreme to another...What's a girl to do??

The Good Die Young

Early this year the world lost a wonderful young man and one of my own childhood playmates, Zac Cook. I still cry real tears when I think of him--gone. Today was one of those days. Our families are not related, but the Cooks are my family. Always have been. He was like a brother...it's not fair!

I'll never forget punching both Zac and his older brother David for putting salt on my watermelon when I was six.

Of all the memories, that's the one thats always gets me.

It's not often a death hits me this hard. But the hardest part was hugging Uncle David, Aunt Becky, and Little David at the house after the funeral. I had to leave early. It simply hurt too much.

You may have heard about this on the national news. A BlackHawk helicopter doing drills fell out of the sky and on top of Zac. On Texas A&M Campus. My dad kept the traditional Aggie "Riderless Horse" in our family's stable. They shot the Aggie Cannon 3 times. The Army was there, as he was just enlisted and waiting on an assignment, and gave the family a full military funeral, guns and all. Traffic on the highway came to a stop when the cannons blew. The funeral was the best I've ever been to. My dad made us sit on the back row in case he cried. I had to take xanax to make it though it. But it was beautiful, just like Zac's life.

If you could, if you would, for me, just take a quick look at the links below, and understand why the world lost so much when we lost Zac. For me...

http://dmc-news.tamu.edu/templates/?a=7176&z=15 Aggie Reaction

http://www.ktre.com/Global/story.asp?S=9668913 Lufkin Reaction

http://www.ktre.com/global/story.asp?S=9692973 The Funeral

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=45940083111 In Memoriam

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mg3Y1QfoamM Remembrance

A Chick and A Dick

Last night we had our first big fight. Sigh. Long story short, he borrowed my truck 'cause his car is broken right now to go out of town on a job--and didn't come back when he said he would. I had to work at American Eagle at 9pm to do markdowns, and I was trippin. NOT happy that he disrespected my wishes and didn't contact me throughout the day to tell me what was up. And being a dick about it. Not that he was doing anything he wasn't supposed to be doing, but he scared me. I thought I could depend on him. I guess I can, because he somehow made it back and got me to work on time. Oh, I let him know how I felt. He's just so strange sometimes. It's like when I'm nice to him (which is my nature) he acts indifferent. But when I'm bitchy, it drives him crazy. In that good way. Like he can't get enough of me. I suppose it's the same way with chicks. Just hard to get used to.

It's just so easy to forgive him his trespasses. Is that love? Isn't it?