A Chick and A Dick

Last night we had our first big fight. Sigh. Long story short, he borrowed my truck 'cause his car is broken right now to go out of town on a job--and didn't come back when he said he would. I had to work at American Eagle at 9pm to do markdowns, and I was trippin. NOT happy that he disrespected my wishes and didn't contact me throughout the day to tell me what was up. And being a dick about it. Not that he was doing anything he wasn't supposed to be doing, but he scared me. I thought I could depend on him. I guess I can, because he somehow made it back and got me to work on time. Oh, I let him know how I felt. He's just so strange sometimes. It's like when I'm nice to him (which is my nature) he acts indifferent. But when I'm bitchy, it drives him crazy. In that good way. Like he can't get enough of me. I suppose it's the same way with chicks. Just hard to get used to.

It's just so easy to forgive him his trespasses. Is that love? Isn't it?

Temptation and Desire

He lies in bed reading Anne Rice on his belly in the nude. The Queen of the Damned. He has no idea how sexy he is. He always wears his socks to bed. Always. His skin is brown velvet-suede softness. I've never completely felt anyone like him. His smell is intoxicating. It's because of him I'm considering things I've never considered before. Starting a family sooner than later, staying in our small hometown, living in the country one day. Reading Stephen King novels and watching fuckin Playstation and jogging and crazy shit like that. I'd even live in a trailer--with him, of course.

So yeah. This is where I find myself tonight.

But he's my lover, my LOVE, I mean I love him. Am I truly IN love with him though? Is he truly IN love with me?? Don't get carried away Blush...but what's a girl to do with velvet-suede arms and perfectly soft lips beckoning her ever toward the flame? It's the passion that I crave. No matter the precaution taken to prevent being burnt, it's mostly inevitable. The chances of escaping the burn are slim to none. I'm a moth to a flame--the temptation of desire can destroy you. Or your relationship. Or worse.

But if you can't stand the heat, get out the damned kitchen, right?

The Only Thing that Stays the Same is Everything Changes

Holy Shit. It's been so long since I've done this I've been scared to even try. The fear is paralyzing. It's what keeps me here. I am still living with my parents in Lufkin, Texas. Some things have changed in my life though, in the past year. My fiance went back to jail. Yes. I supported him. But sometimes love isn't enough. Of our almost 3 year relationship we spent 2 of those years apart. He ultimately chose drugs over me in his time(s) of need and it took him away from me. The longer he was gone the more it hurt. He left me alone too long.

Enter Jason Dickerson.

Jason is a guy I met through friends here in Lufkin. At first we really didn't like each other, even though I always thought he was a cutie. It's actually a funny story how we got together. He moved away to Houston, then when I saw him again here visiting, it was in a totally new light. I began to have feelings for him and I knew I had to end it with Austin, however difficult that was, and it was. We both cried. When I told him there was someone else, he gave me his blessing.

So now I have a new boyfriend. One of the most healthy relationships I've ever been in. Not based on drugs or sex or fantasy. Based in reality. Though sometimes harsh, in reality, I find myself growing to love him more and more daily. However, the fear remains.

Long Distance Relationship

Dearest Austin,

I do not want to drive us apart either. You mention that we used to live such parallel lives, and that now it seems we have different priorities. I don't know if "priorities" is really the correct term. I doubt you will see it that way, but just because we are not doing all the same relative things at the same relative time any more does not mean that we have different priorities, it just means that we have different activities that we participate in that aren't the same. Well, that seems like the obvious part of living in separate houses, in separate towns. We've never lived and been together like that. Only when you were locked up. Now we are living a very different life than the one we began together. That doesn't, and you touched on this, make us love one another less. What it does do is make us different, and we've been different since the day we met so that's something we should be able to deal with by now, right? But that also doesn't mean that there won't come a time when we get our lives back on the same track, when we're living together in the same town and building our relationship, together. Right now we each have a lot of work to do on our own. We need jobs, or better jobs, or more money, or cars, or insurance, or some sense of stability before we can realistically be together and be a successful partnership again. That is a priority for me. I think it's also a priority for you too, so see--our priorities really aren't that different. Just because everything isn't perfect like you pictured it right NOW doesn't mean that it won't be or can't be. You can't rush things, but I do appreciate your attention to making our relationship work and being interested in it being as wonderful as you picture it, but sweetie I'm afraid that's just not how things work. I'm trying to do better for you. I'm trying to change my mind for you, and me. I'm trying to be where you are, but I'm just not there right now. That doesn't mean I won't get there or that I don't care, it just means that I need more. More time or more something than you, I guess. I feel as lost as you do sometimes, I'm trying to figure this all out on my own. So basically I just try to roll with the punches. I also just try to love you the best way I know how and as much as I can. I hope that helps, and I hope that you can give me the benefit of the doubt that I'm trying to be better, and that I do love you.

And I do.

Always,

Blush

Anybody Got A Rosary I Can Borrow?

So I finally got to spend some much needed time with my fiance this weekend. He's living in a really cool place in North Austin. He's got roomates, so we got a suite to spend some sweet time with each other for the first time in MONTHS.

It

Was

So

Good.

I had never realized how much I missed him until he held me tight in his arms. I felt so safe. He smelled so good. I had so needed the weight of my man on me. We were like teenagers again. I'm still revelling in the saccharine, cotton candy-pink glow of romantic love, of passionate love, of...dare i say it? True love. Now I'm dreaming of the next time I see him again. Scheming to get to Austin as soon as possible, excited for the future, suddenly hopelessly unafraid of the sparkly ring on my left hand. Ready to jump once again, head fucking first.

Unfortunately, our super-hot quickie on the bathroom counter before I left has not quelched my desire for Him in the least. Damn.

If there was one song, just one song, out of every song ever written, there is one song I wish I could have written. If only I had the talent.

That song is Like A Prayer by Madonna. Oh yes.

You may laugh, but you try metaphorically mixing fellatio and other various acts of love with the religious experience of ecstatic faith and see what you come up with. Madonna's result is one of the most honest, intense, beautiful, and all-encompassing professions of love ever recorded on top of a dance track.

Fucking Rock and Roll genius.

Life is a mystery,
everyone must stand alone
I hear you call my name
And it feels like home.

When you call my name
It's like a little prayer,
I'm down on my knees...
I wanna take you there.
In the midnight hour,
I can feel your power--
Just like a prayer you know I'll take you there.

I hear your voice,
Its like an angel sighing
I have no choice,
I hear your voice...
Feels like flying.
I close my eyes,
Oh God I think I'm falling
Out of the sky--I close my eyes...
Heaven help me!

When you call my name
It's like a little prayer,
I'm down on my knees...
I wanna take you there.
In the midnight hour,
I can feel your power--
Just like a prayer you know Ill take you there.

Like a child
You whisper softly to me,
You're in control
Just like a child...
Now I'm dancing
It's like a dream,
No end and no beginning...
You're here with me,
It's like a dream...
Let the choir sing!

When you call my name
It's like a little prayer,
I'm down on my knees...
I wanna take you there.
In the midnight hour,
I can feel your power--
Just like a prayer you know I'll take you there.

Just like a prayer, I'll take you there!
Just like a muse to me, you are a mystery--
Just like a dream, you are not what you seem...
Just like a prayer, no choice, your voice can take me there!
Just like a prayer, I'll take you there!
It's like a dream to me...

Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone
I hear you call my name,
And it feels like...
Home.

Facade (The Sorrow Underneath)

So I have been doing okay. Really okay. Today, out of nowhere, it's hit me as a ton of bricks hits a sidewalk from faulty pulleys or worn ropes. Sorrow. (Read: Hormones.) Anyway I have no real reason to be sad, I've actually been doing lots of fun shit. In March, for 6 days mid-month, I took a Texas-Sized Road Trip with my All-Time Best Friend, Danielle. She told me on the first day in the car that she had decided and was already making plans to move to Hawaii to be with her ex who's stationed there as a cryptologist for the Navy. Of all places! Hawaii! They are getting back together and she's as happy as a clam. I know The Islands will totally suit her. She informed me she's leaving in August after her birthday. Holy Shit. From that moment on, in the car, on the street, in the club, sleeping on other people's couches, jamming to whatever crazy music we agreed on, drinking Mai Tais at lunch in the best eateries in the state--everything was more important, more urgent. I don't know how long she'll be gone. I feel confident in our friendship that it will endure the (literal) distance. She'll settle back in Texas and we'll have babies together, as women sometimes do when they're close. But Hawaii--so far away! Beyond the Continental United States! It will take much more than a Road Trip to see her then. On the other hand, I get to visit her in Hawaii. Fucking Aye. (Maybe even participate in a Destination Wedding there??? Mere speculation, of course!)

The Trip was marvelous. We left my hometown of Lufkin (in deep East Texas) and headed West to Bryan-College Station, home of our alma mater, Texas A&M University. We whizzed through town and took in the scenery along the historic El Camino Real or "the road of kings" (now State Hwy 21.) We then hit State Hwy 290 to Interstate-35 South on our way to Austin to catch a couple of the last shows at my old hang out Red Eyed Fly (where The Deng like to play) on the final night of the massive South by Southwest Music Festival, held annually. Danielle and I knew a guy from back in the day who worked Security and snuck us in. Hell Yeah! Rock on! The first performer was an awesome retro-country singer who I would have totally been a groupie for back in the 1930's. (Think Hank Williams III.) The next band was an all out rock band with a pretty, badass frontwoman and a super-hot (though barely legal) straight-up awesome lead guitarist. After that we, having had plenty to drink, were like to pass out somewhere soft. And we did.

The next day we enjoyed the amenities of Austin, my adopted hometown. There were Mimosas and Bloody Mary's for brunch at Shady Grove across from Barton Springs and Zilker Park, shopping at the trendy South Congress Shops while having Amy's Ice Cream--afterwards heading to Alamo Drafthouse Cinema to have a glass of wine and appetizers while watching the movie Juno (can you believe neither of us had seen it yet?!) Then we ate dinner at our absolute fave Austin restaurant/hangout, THE Kerbey Lane 24-Hour Diner. The next morning we hit up The Drag at The University of Texas campus and shopped the vintage shops and of course, Urban Outfitters. I got a shirt that said "Global Warming is so Uncool" and laughed about it all day. We dined on the most delicious pizza I've ever eaten at the Magic Mushroom Pizzaria there on The Drag for lunch, before heading south again through San Marcos to San Antonio for some R&R at Danielle's good friends Jacob and Hannah's apartment. As much as I adore Austin, it just reminded me of all I'd lost and all I miss and just how much I miss my own personal Austin. I wished he was there so badly.

When we got to San Antonio, we slept a lot. The weather was bad so we watched the entire first season of 30 Rock and I am hooked. I'm totally gay for Tina Fey. On my second lazy day in S.A., Austin called and told me that he found out his discharge date from the Treatment Center; and he'll be getting out April 15. Then he's got to go to Sober Living for at least 2 months. He's found a really nice place in North Austin that he thinks he can get into. So there begins Our New Life...

The next morning we got dressed early and got out to our car and all the cars in the parking lot were covered, and I mean covered, in thick dirt. As we go to driving, we noticed that it seemed like every car in town was as dirty as ours. Turned out there had been a HUGE fire in Mexico and the weather dumped all the ash on San Antonio. It was so bad we actually had to wash it before we even felt comfortable drving it. The car went from yellow to brown, and it was ugly. That's not how we roll. So on we went to The Riverwalk (where the San Antonio River cuts right through downtown) to eat lunch and drink margaritas (what else?) and see The Alamo. Neither one of us had been there in so long, we'd forgotten how truly gorgeous The Riverwalk is. Sadly I have no pics because Danielle needs to get a new memory card for her camera. But will get them up as soon as I have them, no doubt.

After a great meal of Authentic Border Mexican Food, we stuffed ourselves into Danielle's Volkswagen Beetle. Oh did I forget to mention that? We did our roadtrip in a newer model, light yellow VW Beetle. That's just how we roll. Anyway we hopped on Interstate-10 and shot like a rocket east to Houston, because we had tickets that night to see Fergie-Ferg at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo. I told you we were travelling Texas, didn't I? Anyway, after fighting rush-hour traffic, booking our hotel, dressing, and fighting the goatscrew of trafficular carnage around Reliant Stadium, we missed the entire Rodeo (which was a bummer) but got there just in time to see my girl Fergie! And boy did she put on a hell of a performance, for sure. She covered Zeppelin, The Beatles, The Stones, The Black Eyed Peas, she did most of the songs from The Dutchess, AND even rapped Will.i.am's parts. She rocked the house. Three costume changes and backup dancers and all. She performed like she wanted to be asked back next year, and we had awesome seats to see it (thanks to my old friend Hal from high school, pictured.) I'm totally gay for Fergie now, too. She's the most beautiful chick I've ever seen. my opnion she beat out Gwen Stefani at the No Doubt show I saw in 2002 for hottest rock chick ever.

We spent the night in Houston and woke up and had sweet Gulf-Coast Seafood and cocktails before heading back to Lufkin for me, and eventually Dallas for Danielle. It was a bittersweet luncheon because we both knew the end of the trip was nigh and I know I wasn't particularly thrilled to say goodbye to her, knowing the futures and the accute uncertainties of those futures right in front of us. We discussed our impending marriages, and impending pregnancies...it was a revelation for me. We are Adults. We are Women.

Sometime this idea scares the shit out of me because I'm not sure I know how to be the Woman I so desire to be. Not to mention the inevitable Identitiy Crisis that follows such a promotion, as marriage or motherhood most definately qualify. Sigh. Then I look at my finances. On paper my life is in shambles and I have no idea how/if I'm going to be able to come back from all the damage I've done to myself in the false belief that I didn't deserve the things I'd worked for and were capable of. I've destroyed my "life" to the point that I wonder what's the worth at times. I can only hope and pray that life or God himself has something in store for me because I don't know how much longer I can make it alone in this perpetual ghost-town of a home-town, absolutely starved for affection. I eat too much fried food and smoke way too many cigarettes as it is. I need to feel happy to feel healthy.

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