Aromatherapy Stress Relief in Tranquil Mint

I got the job at Bath & Body Works! HUGE promotion for me! Customer Sales Lead. It's a big job, and I get stressed out easily. My biggest character flaw is that when something doesn't come naturally to me, I tend to want to quit or cry. Yeah. Not something I'm proud of at all. But I AM proud of this job.

So Austin is out of jail now, living in a court-ordered halfway house in Temple, Texas. I think it's shitty that his mom (who I used to be extremely close to) has declared that she wants me to have no contact with Austin, which is a kick in the teeth after having been there for BOTH of them for so long now. I am NOT the bad guy.

Though it has felt good with him around again. His voice feels like home. I hope to get to know who he is now.

When I was relatively unemployed, I took on a babysitting job for a guy friend of mine with a crazy baby mama. When I say crazy, I mean she's got 2 aggravated assault charges against her and is on probation. The baby, Ember, is only 6 months old, and we were having a blast. When it came time to put the Ember down to nap, I'm lie on the bed to watch her, dozing myself. I heard something loud and wondered what it was. It didn't take long to find out.
Suddenly the baby's mom is in the room and I stand up and say "you're not supposed to be here!" So she grabs my breast and twists it and throws me to the ground and grabs Ember and takes off. I get up and chase after her and by this point there's nothing I can do, she's already in the getaway car, driven by an ex-boyfriend. I'm trippin. The only thing worse than LOSING the baby, as a babysitter, is if the baby dies. So I call the dad, and the grandma, and of course, the cops. I file an assault charge, which was later dropped by the county, although William's lawyer filed a motion against the mother for interfering with the custodial rights of a child. The custody hearing was yesterday.
I was subpeonaed by BOTH parties to testify. Got sworn in and everything. I was so nervous! I'd never been to court save to plead guilty and say "yes sir" and "no sir" when instructed. These lawyers wanted to cross-examine me, Law & Order style! LUCKILY, I never had to take the stand because the mom was in so badly they just made a deal where William has full custody and she only gets to see Ember like 8 hours a week under state supervision. So basically, we won. But Here's the kicker.This bitch alleged that I was NAKED with the child. WTF. So I'm temporarily not allowed around the baby. Temporary meaning a couple months. The lawyer said it really didn't mean much. But I gave that bitch the EVILEST eye on the way out of court. Tell me that's not fucked.

The whole situation was traumatizing.

Danielle is getting married next October! I'm the maid of honor. So I've been busy checking out wedding ideas and fun, girly stuff like that. The wedding is in Dallas at a magnificent hotel. The "theme" is Vintage Southern. I can't wait! Never been a bridesmaid. Maybe I'll catch the bouquet!

So Jason and I have been getting closer, but he had made it terribly clear to me that he wanted me to move on. Therefore I had. Austin's back, and I remember why I loved him. I ran into Jeremy, an old high school friend at a Texas Aggie football game a couple weeks ago. My dad mortified me by making it OBVIOUS that I was single. Well, we have a wedding shower we're both invited to tomorrow, so it's a date. I have a date! Afterparty at his house. It's only AFTER all this, that Jason owns up to me that he's still in love with me. Men! What's a girl to do?

Tears of Pain, Catharsis, and Happy Surprise

So. Yesterday was a rough day. I found out one of my good friends, who will remain unnamed, was arrested for selling to an undercover. The penalties in this country for non-violent drug offenders are ridiculous, and it hurts me because I know what he's in for. It's not good. I saw him the night before he turned himself in. When I left I gave him the fist bump...if I would have known what was gonna happen a few hours later I would have hugged his neck. Honestly, I'm surprised at my feelings because I believe in taking responsibility for your actions, I did. But my heart goes out to him because the flood of emotion surrounding my own incarceration has knocked me on my ass. The lonliness. Utter and complete loneliness and isolation from everyone and everything you love. It sucks.

And of course I internalize that feeling. Lots of shit has gone down this summer. I've found out who my friends ARE and EXACTLY who they aren't. It's hard when you put yourself out there and people don't accept you for who you are. That's a REAL lonely place. And I've found myself there this morning.

I've been sleeping at Jason's because he's needed me. His bitch-ass roomate is moving out and sticking him with tons of bills. She was too chickenshit to tell him herself. He found out from someone at a party. Yeah. He could have won an Academy Award for not crying on the spot. Now he's trippin cause he's afraid he might become "homeless." I love him too much to let that happen. Love like in a regular way. He's one of my best friends. I know that sounds like bullshit, but it's true. I love him like family. I may love him more than that, but I honestly don't know. It's up to him and the way he acts. We've been working through alot of the muck we've found ourselves in. Either way, I've been taking care of him, giving all I've got to keep him going, because I know if he quits now, it's all over.

And he's got his first show coming up in a few weeks. And I won't let him fail.

So this morning we talked. I cried. All the strength I'd mustered up over the last few days/weeks has waned. I've given and given and given and given till I don't know if I've got anything else to give. That's a very lonely place.

And of course, just as I'm ready to give up, throw in the towel, and crawl in a hole, I get this phone call out of the blue...

My manager from Bath & Body Works calls to tell me that they want to promote me to sales lead, which is a permanent, management position! I couldn't believe it. I've got to meet up with her tomorrow for the first of 3 interviews. This is a godsend to me. As soon as I hung up the phone I hit my knees and thanked god. I cried to him. I apologized for counting him out. I begged his forgiveness. I should have never doubted his love. I thanked him again and again for the opportunity to make something out of myself, and this time, I'm gonna do it!

However...

...I can't help but wish He loved Me like I love Him.
Without Condition. I just don't know any other way to love!

I Love Eminem Entirely Too Much

I've spent several days away and without contact with Jason and I was fine! Haha! I didn't miss him as much as I thought I would. As much as I do love him, I'm about 95% sure I'm not IN LOVE with him. Not anymore at least. But he's still my 'best guy' so to speak. I think I'm his 'best girl'. But Austin is getting out of jail soon, finally. I don't feel like I know him anymore, it's been SO long. I fear it would be like seeing a ghost. That is something that I can barely bring myself to deal with. All I can do is throw my hands up and sigh. As Slim Shady once said "I just don't give a FUCK!" Okay maybe that's not quite the right quote for this situation at all, but I've been listening to entirely too much Eminem lately, heh. I just can't give a fuck because it drains me emotionally and stresses me in a way that I DO NOT operate well under. Not right now anyway. Really though, I need to concentrate more on me right now, not boys. I've got to. I'm seriously thinking of going back to school in the Spring. Well I'm working up the confidence to. I haven't been in so many years it seems hard to be a student again, although I was a good student--that is--when I actually went to class, heh.

Anyway, ya'll are the best for being there for me (you know who you are) as you always have been and thats why I love ya!...turns out I was totally hormonal. Yeah...

I enjoy...being a girl!!! (Whoever wrote that song had to be kidding. I mean come on.)

*snickers*

I'm Cool now Ladies. Getting Back On Track. Gonna Make it Work. Cause I'm a Soldier...

Oh no. Again with the Eminem lyrics!

Why Not Me?

Sigh. I don't know who I am. I don't know where I am. I don't know what's the plan. I just don't know anything. This week has been up and down and up and down. Over and over and over and over. So much stress is piling up on top of me, it's pulling me down, down, down. And the dreams, oh, the dreams. All night long I had horrifying dreams. Not typically horrifying, no death, no destruction. Just utter terror...horror...fear.


The first: My family is forced to move out of our house. And my father's business. Everything had to go. No rhyme or reason, no end result. Just me screaming, bawling, "But this is all I've known for the past 15 years! This is all I have! Nooooooo!" But they just kept taking and leaving and I just kept crying and screaming and screaming.

The second: I am in a love triangle with Austin and Jason. I get caught. Jason disappears, Austin wants to keep me. Then Austin disappears. I call everyone I know trying to find him. His parents ignore my phone calls. Everyone ignores my phone calls. I'm freaking, I know he's dead or in jail. Finally he shows back up again. We are driving around Austin, but everyone we know in Austin is from Lufkin (you know how dreams can be.) We have nowhere to go, so I'm trying to call everyone, anyone for help. No one answers, no one cares. Austin disappears again.

The third: I am about to take my morning Cymbalta. While looking through the pill bottle I see several pieces of Xanax. I get excited and dump the bottle to find them. The bottle never empties. Infinate pills pour out onto the table, no xanax to be found. Frustration abounds.

Extreme highs and extreme lows. Down so low as to bring others with me. Jason, for one. He doesn't understand, I doubt he ever will. Some of the things he said to me last night have me reeling.

"I only do nice things so that I can receive gratitude and platitudes."
"My panic attacks are merely childish temper tantrums."

I will never be the one to say that I am perfect, much the opposite. I am mainly imperfect; if you've read this blog or know me at all that's the one thing you should understand. The idea that this is how he truly feels about me; about who i am; breaks my heart. It hurts because I love him so much. Everything I've done for him has been out of love.
Love.
LOVE!

Panic attacks are childish and very much a tantrum. Ask any psychologist. That does not make them any less real or any less painful. I thought he understood this about me. I've never kept it hidden, I've never made excuses for it. I thought he loved me despite of it.

Despite my problems.
Despite my pain.

Perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps I have been wrong over and over. Over and over to the point of no return. I've ruined school and relationships and maybe my own life. I don't know. Will I ever know? Or will I just be continuously, inherently...wrong?

That's how I feel. Yesterday, today.

There are some reasons I suppose. This Monday school started. Everyone's children's first day of school. All the proud Facebook and Myspace pictures got to me. Where are my children? Where is my family?? Why do those people have those things and I do not? Can't I feel the pride and the love in a child's eyes? What did I do wrong? Do I not deserve that happiness? Do I not deserve that pride? Do I not deserve that love?

Will I ever?

Even if "those" people in question have shitty lives and have done shitty things like I have, they still have that one thing that I desire so desperately...something to be proud of. Perhaps I am getting to that age. I'm done with this single life and this selfish life and this bullshit "fun." I want something real.
Real.
REAL!

Something I can put my arms around. Someone I can put my arms around. I don't think he is that something or that someone. He wants only what he wants, but I want it all. Is that such a horrible thing? Can't I have peace and fun and love...and romance too? Can't I have that? Don't I deserve it? Seems like everyone else does.

Why not me?

Dandelion Dreams

I have a lover I cant help but love, a true friend, and a real life. Fate will find me. Things will come full circle. ...It's about time.