Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Don't be a Hard Rock when You Really are a Gem

I'm not gonna force it. Things are coming to me slowly. I can't believe it's September. Labor Day has come and gone and I'll be putting my white shoes away. I'm dyeing my hair tonight. It will come out Aggie Maroon. It always does. My little brother is in college now. He is a fish in the Corps of Cadets at Texas A&M University. I hear my father is elated. I'm hoping to catch a game this year. It will be my first in a long time. I know this is retarded Texan bullshit but this time of year--football season--and everyone in school, makes me think about what might have been. It will be many years before I will be able to go back to school. I'm sure my brother will have graduated by then. But what can I do? What's done is done. It's sort of a self-defeating prophecy for someone like me but I fight the shit out of it. It seems easy to feel like my life is ruined and relatively worthless so I question my efforts sometimes. I feel like I missed my shot and now I'm the washed-up athlete turned coach or something similar. It's not such a bad place to be, honestly; but the pang of broken dreams remains. Not to be confused with the birth-pangs of new dreams. Growing pains I suppose. I've been alone for a long time now and being with someone again has been a shock at times. I've grown selfish in my ways; I feel like I've had to in order to be able to get anywhere after the poverty of being imprisoned. I feel like I've had to in order to be able to trust anyone after he destroyed me. I'm warming up to it but it doesn't feel like it used to. It feels like I'm in slow motion. But I think that's a really good thing. I think it only means that I know too much now. I think it only means that I'm a woman now.
And I think that's okay.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Lie With Me And Just Forget The World

There is so, so much. Too much, but never enough. I have two dollars to my name. Excellent. I am a recovering drug addict as is my lover. We are both bipolar and I don't have a car. It's raining outside, which means it's not hot, but it also means it's raining. And I need to wash the sheets. I'm scared but I don't know what of. I have nearly everything I wanted back when I had nothing. Not even a pillow. I have much more than I could ask for as I have much more than I deserve. This weekend we went out in Austin's mom's black Miata with the top down. As Chappelle says: it was the most baller shit evah! Really though, I'd never ridden in a convertible. I loved how you could smell the summertime in the air. And then this song came on the radio. I lay my head back and watched the sky stand still as we sped through the city, my hair whipping through my vision, making a perfect photograph in my memory. And that's all I wanna do. Lie with him and just forget the world.
But duty calls, as it always does.

Saturday, September 02, 2006