Friday, February 25, 2011

Mad Men

Men. What to do with them? As soon as my old boss at the hotel found out I got a new job, he wanted me back. Madness. I guess thats just how the male sex rolls, as soon as they can't have something they want it back. BUT that's okay with me. After a week or so at The Finish Line, I was having terrible panic attacks and I realized that the job wasn't for me, not now, in my recovery. I've been switching medications like a drug addict to get myself back to normal. I have so many pill bottles I feel like an elderly person. And in light of that, I just couldn't continue with the job, plus....


Sunday, February 13, 2011

Up and Down

Yesterday was up and down. I started a new job, because my old boss at the hotel was dragging his feet and I couldn't wait any longer for cash flow. I started to panic, and put feelers out into the employment world and got some applications, etc. An old friend of mine, Robbie, just started her own marketing business after leaving the ministry to focus on her family, so being such close friends, I called her to pray with me about my situation... and she told me she had a job for me! A client of hers, owner of a local business called The Finish Line Sports Sub Shop had hired her because he needed a new manager and pretty much all new employees due to mismanagement by the old GM and crew. In a matter of a few text messages I had an interview the next morning at 10am. Needless to say, I got the job, and am being considered as the main candidate for General Manager!
It's a salary position, which would be my first. starts at 26k/year, and although that may not sound like much, it's still over twice as much as I've ever made per year, even with 3 jobs! This is an amazing opportunity for me, and I am so excited. Many people would see going from a hotel to food service as a downgrade, but food service is so fun. However, so was my old job at the hotel.
I did my orientation at work yesterday for about 2 hours and learned the basics and had a great time. My new boss and I really hit it off. But then I got home, and it hit me, I'm not going back to work at the hotel. I had just COUNTED on it, and I LOVED that job. Loved the job, loved the guests, loved the staff, loved my boss. And it's gone now. All gone. I only have myself and my illness to blame.
Everyone thinks I'm crazy because The Finish Line affords a much larger opportunity (indeed, a life-changing opportunity) but it still hurts when you lose something you love, and it's still scary to start a new job, especially one with potentially more responsibility and stress. I will miss the Holiday Inn Express so much, but hopefully the new job will be everything it promises to be.

Wow I just talked to my new boss and he was so impressed with me in the 2 hours I worked yesterday that he put me on the schedule for 30 hours instead of the agreed-upon 15 to be orientated. In addition, he's going out of town for a couple days and leaving the store with ME. I am really excited but nervous, but more excited. It's looking more and more like management!

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Colorful Colorado

It was like 57 degrees out and sunny, and when we finally got to Copper Mountain we saw the snow, beautiful champagne powder as far as the eye could see. I had missed it so!

Hot Chocolate with a Shot of Vanilla Vodka :)

On the Slopes with Danielle at Copper Mountain.

Skiing was a dream. Amazing conditions and warm so that you could even wear your jacket open. I hadn't skied in TEN YEARS so I was very nervous, but it's just as they say, as soon as I put my skis on it was like getting on a bike!

Danielle had a meeting at her work in the Cherry Creek area of Downtown Denver (a quite trendy part of town) so I hung out there waiting for her meeting to be over.
It just so happened that an old friend of mine from high school, Jennifer, lives only a couple blocks away from the bar I was hanging out in and we got to catch up. Small world!

We took a trip to Boulder, a quaint college town, and had a our picture taken in (a) boulder.
My favorite picture from the entire week!

Monday, February 07, 2011

Alive Again

I’m alive again
More alive than I have been
In my whole entire life I can
See these people’s ears perk up as I begin
To spaz with the pen,
I’m a little bit sicker than most
Shit’s finna get thick again...

Thursday, February 03, 2011

Tragic But True

The time that I've wasted is my biggest regret;
Stuck in this place I will never forget.
Memories of past times always stay near;
But vanquished by this waking nightmare.
I lie awake at night while others sleep;
A stream of pictures swarm my mind with each heartbeat.
I await the day I can be with my Love;
Praying incessantly to the heavens above.
Until then I must lie in this blistering hell;
Confined due to my very own will.
Hear me now, lost souls, heed my words;
Don't allow the darkness to overpower your urge.
We are all on this path, sometimes tragic, always true;
But if you stop looking down, the whole world awaits you!

Like Shooting Stars...

I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Who Will?

Sometimes the thoughts floating in my head turn on me.
Well, most of the time. I understand who, what, when, and where, but not why.
I don't understand why they turn on the situations they turn on.
Thats a lie, yes I do.
I am jealous, envious, so so envious.
I want what they have so badly I can taste it. So, so badly.

I want a man that loves me, one that will take care of me and help me make supper.
I want a house with all my beloved things and photos and loved ones.
I want enough money to pay the bills for those things, and to afford organic foods.
I want a marriage filled with fun and with laughter and love...
I want a love to end them all.

Now I want these things, but I am dubious as to how they could ever come to fruition due to my chronic illness.
I am Bipolar, and although it doesn't make me feel any less, I know people do think of me as so.

Because of my illness, my past isn't a very pretty picture.
Because of my illness, my present isn't a very pretty picture.
Because of my illness, I do not know what the future holds.

It hurts when I see the normal people.
The normal people who live their lives normally.
Their lives make so much sense, they get married and have kids, and they don't bounce checks.
They don't have to take medication morning, noon, and night, nor do they have to be hospitalized for stability at times.
They are already STABLE.
Stability: the one thing I long for;
I hold on to it so tight that sometimes it gets destroyed and I find myself...

Completely out of control.

Two of my friends just got engaged, just now... IT KEEPS HAPPENING.
I am happy for them, really I am, but...
Will it ever be my turn??
Would it??
Could it???

I fear not.

Who will want my past?
Who will want my present?
Who will want my uncertain future??

Friday, January 28, 2011

To Blog Or Not To Blog?

I look and I like.
I look and I like what I see.
I look and I like what I see in my married friends' home.
I envy the thought of Them.

I looked around Downtown tonight.
I looked around Downtown tonight and liked what I saw.
I looked around Downtown and I saw lots of beautiful people.
I envy the thought of Them.

I met a guy.
I met a cute guy.
I met a cute guy named Aaron.
I envy the thought of a cute guy named Aaron.

I lie in a bed.
I lie in a bed that's not mine.
I lie in a bed that's not mine but not His...
I envy the thought of Him.

I remember me.
I remember me in Love.
I remember me in Love with Him.
I envy the thought of Me.

I love you.
I love you lots.
I love you lots with a cherry on top.
I envy the thought of You.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

I Shit You Not

I'm glad you liked the pictures, that was my point! The one of us in our field uniforms I have framed in a Starmakers frame, ...remember those?? It's in my room right now, I shit you not.

I love that picture, always have!
And BE GLAD you were chubby THEN because you're so SO THIN NOW! And gorgeous! I have the opposite problem, I'm pretty chubby NOW as opposed to THEN, and yes our hair WAS pretty out there! Ha!
Anyway, yeah. The hospital I checked into was sort of a mental hospital. People with all kinds of non-emergency room/non-surgical problems go there, but I went for stability on my medication because I was having real problems with stress making my body give out physically and it got pretty bad, I was VERY weak. Then I relapsed on drugs and had some serious suicidal thoughts. I called Dr. Pat Todd and she suggested I go, and I was down because I just want to get better.
I don't mind telling you the dirty details because it's you and me sweetie, heh!
They rediagnosed me with Bipolar 1 which is more manic (Bipolar 2 is more depressed) MIXED meaning I have episodes of more manic or more depressed, with Panic Disorder and Substance Abuse issues. But in the hospital I had a Harvard-Educated Psychiatrist (who looked just like Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, actually) and he helped me to get on the proper medication for my diagnosis, and observation was simply necessary for such a drastic change.
And yes, I have taken medication for many years now. I started taking an Anti-Depressant our senior year of high school, back when those pics were taken actually. I started seeing Dr. Gonzalez, who helped me SO much for the 10 years before she retired. I have you to thank really, because I dont know if you remember, but you suggested her to me way back then (because she had an ad in the Panther Pride calendar.)
I had THOUGHT the medication was working, but now that I've been to the hospital (Brentwood Hospital in Shreveport, LA) I that realize that it WASN'T, not like the meds I'm on NOW. They reworked everything, and the therapy sessions were pretty intense. Imagine a therapy session from 7am-9pm with a 2 hour break and 3 meals and with 5 smoke breaks (thank GOD!).
But yeah. We did a lot of good "work" and I realize where many of my problems truly lie and what I need to work with Dr. Todd on. (I LOVE HER, we text all the time!) I have suppressed a lot of shame, guilt, fear, and anger over these nearly 29 years and it's finally coming out in a healthy way, rather than drug abuse which is only me trying to hurt myself, really. That and sabotaging every good thing in my life, thinking that I dont deserve it (subconsciously of course.)
Things really WERE going well for me, especially last time we talked. I always get uptight and usually have some kind of breakdown over Christmas, and this year was especially bad because I just always want everything to be perfect for everyone, but it seemed like everybody around me wanted to fight, sometimes with me, even my extended family (and that NEVER happens! We just talk shit about each other on the phone later, heh!)
So yeah when you have mental issues things can fall apart really quickly, before you even know it. Luckily I have a large support base, and my work was SUPER supportive and I will be able to come back to work after I get back from a recuperating ski vacation in Colorado the first week of February. I am going up to see my BFF Danielle in Denver and she's gonna take care of me for about a week or so, heh. Did I tell you I had been promoted to Front Desk Manager? My boss says I will make a lot of money for him one day, heh. I think I wanna go back to A&M for a bachelor's in Hotel Management. I LOVE the industry; so far so good!
Your encouragement and love mean so much to me Kimberly, really. Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers. I am so glad we made friends back in 8th grade drama class at Junior High West.
Holler at me next time you find yourself in L-Town!
Love Always,