I Shit You Not

I'm glad you liked the pictures, that was my point! The one of us in our field uniforms I have framed in a Starmakers frame, ...remember those?? It's in my room right now, I shit you not.

I love that picture, always have!

And BE GLAD you were chubby THEN because you're so SO THIN NOW! And gorgeous! I have the opposite problem, I'm pretty chubby NOW as opposed to THEN, and yes our hair WAS pretty out there! Ha!

Anyway, yeah. The hospital I checked into was sort of a mental hospital. People with all kinds of non-emergency room/non-surgical problems go there, but I went for stability on my medication because I was having real problems with stress making my body give out physically and it got pretty bad, I was VERY weak. Then I relapsed on drugs and had some serious suicidal thoughts. I called Dr. Pat Todd and she suggested I go, and I was down because I just want to get better.

I don't mind telling you the dirty details because it's you and me sweetie, heh!

They rediagnosed me with Bipolar 1 which is more manic (Bipolar 2 is more depressed) MIXED meaning I have episodes of more manic or more depressed, with Panic Disorder and Substance Abuse issues. But in the hospital I had a Harvard-Educated Psychiatrist (who looked just like Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, actually) and he helped me to get on the proper medication for my diagnosis, and observation was simply necessary for such a drastic change.

And yes, I have taken medication for many years now. I started taking an Anti-Depressant our senior year of high school, back when those pics were taken actually. I started seeing Dr. Gonzalez, who helped me SO much for the 10 years before she retired. I have you to thank really, because I dont know if you remember, but you suggested her to me way back then (because she had an ad in the Panther Pride calendar.)

I had THOUGHT the medication was working, but now that I've been to the hospital (Brentwood Hospital in Shreveport, LA) I that realize that it WASN'T, not like the meds I'm on NOW. They reworked everything, and the therapy sessions were pretty intense. Imagine a therapy session from 7am-9pm with a 2 hour break and 3 meals and with 5 smoke breaks (thank GOD!).

But yeah. We did a lot of good "work" and I realize where many of my problems truly lie and what I need to work with Dr. Todd on. (I LOVE HER, we text all the time!) I have suppressed a lot of shame, guilt, fear, and anger over these nearly 29 years and it's finally coming out in a healthy way, rather than drug abuse which is only me trying to hurt myself, really. That and sabotaging every good thing in my life, thinking that I dont deserve it (subconsciously of course.)

Things really WERE going well for me, especially last time we talked. I always get uptight and usually have some kind of breakdown over Christmas, and this year was especially bad because I just always want everything to be perfect for everyone, but it seemed like everybody around me wanted to fight, sometimes with me, even my extended family (and that NEVER happens! We just talk shit about each other on the phone later, heh!)

So yeah when you have mental issues things can fall apart really quickly, before you even know it. Luckily I have a large support base, and my work was SUPER supportive and I will be able to come back to work after I get back from a recuperating ski vacation in Colorado the first week of February. I am going up to see my BFF Danielle in Denver and she's gonna take care of me for about a week or so, heh. Did I tell you I had been promoted to Front Desk Manager? My boss says I will make a lot of money for him one day, heh. I think I wanna go back to A&M for a bachelor's in Hotel Management. I LOVE the industry; so far so good!

Your encouragement and love mean so much to me Kimberly, really. Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers. I am so glad we made friends back in 8th grade drama class at Junior High West.

Holler at me next time you find yourself in L-Town!

Love Always,

Blush

A Very Special Thanks

Hey There Casey!

I hope you are your family are doing well! Just a note to tell you thank you so much for teaching and showing me how to be a good office manager.

After working only a month at the hotel (Holiday Inn Express here in Lufkin) I took over for the Front Desk Manager who had to take maternity leave. I immersed myself in the work, as I was totally clueless at first, and now it's looking like I'm going to get promoted to Front Desk Manager permanently because I do a better job than her, and because my boss adores Lacy, I feel like I've really accomplished something!

But now my boss loves me more because apparently no one has ever been so organized and kept track of documents and all the administrative stuff AND do the regular shift work as well as me, and I attribute much of that to you, teaching me to write EVERYTHING down and make hard copies of EVERYTHING and files for EVERYTHING :)

I think I finally found where I belong. I LOVE hospitality, and this is the best job I've ever had (next to Powertrol, of course!) I absolutely love it. I think I want to stay in the hotel industry and make my job a career. Long overdue, I know, but at least now I know what the hell it is I want to do with my life!

In other news: I'm also finally seeing a "good guy" but taking it slow because I'm too old to fool around anymore! His name is Jeremy Pittman, uncle Dennis' best friend from High School's son. He was in the Corps at A&M and is best friends with little David, big David Cook's son. Daddy picked him out for me, and we are on the verge of seriously dating. It's crazy how Daddy can be right on when you least expect it.

Anyway, you helped me so much back then at Powertrol, and you're still helping me now!

Thank you so much for taking an interest in me, I miss talking to you and even your lectures, heh! Thought you might want to know it really did help! :)

Love,

Blush

The Break-Up

Dear Jason,

I came here tonight because I thought you wanted to talk to me. I am truly happy that you're out and having fun, you needed to have some fun without me bugging you. Ashlyn told me you are very drunk, partying on an island in Lake Sam Rayburn with Chad. I'm glad you got to be with your brother, I know he's your best friend. I wouldn't want to talk to you drunk anyway.

You are right, we both need to be away from each other. Crystal said you wanted to be friends, which by all indications, you do. I came here to tell you that I want to be friends too. I just need some things explained to my heart before that can happen.

It's gonna take some time to not want you anymore but I realize I made my own mistakes. I came here tonight to talk to you about those mistakes and say some things you probably couldn't have predicted. Hopefully one day we will be able to do so. I am off tomorrow.

It just hurts right now because I feel outlawed in this society because they all love you and I'm relatively new and expendable. I guess.

I wish you would have been here, because I was really ready to do this, and now it seems as if your concern was all fake. Please don't let me go on believing that it was ALL fake for too much longer. That's what makes me wanna be mean to you--and I don't wanna be mean to you!

Of course it hurts that it's over. But apparently it wasn't meant to be. If it was lust, whatever it was, I understand that. It's a break-up, I just need a little time to get over you. But please give me this one last thing so that I can move past the pain and hopefully into a cool friendship with a guy that I still think is one of the best guys I know.

Sincerely, and with regular Love,

Blush

Long Distance Relationship

Dearest Austin,

I do not want to drive us apart either. You mention that we used to live such parallel lives, and that now it seems we have different priorities. I don't know if "priorities" is really the correct term. I doubt you will see it that way, but just because we are not doing all the same relative things at the same relative time any more does not mean that we have different priorities, it just means that we have different activities that we participate in that aren't the same. Well, that seems like the obvious part of living in separate houses, in separate towns. We've never lived and been together like that. Only when you were locked up. Now we are living a very different life than the one we began together. That doesn't, and you touched on this, make us love one another less. What it does do is make us different, and we've been different since the day we met so that's something we should be able to deal with by now, right? But that also doesn't mean that there won't come a time when we get our lives back on the same track, when we're living together in the same town and building our relationship, together. Right now we each have a lot of work to do on our own. We need jobs, or better jobs, or more money, or cars, or insurance, or some sense of stability before we can realistically be together and be a successful partnership again. That is a priority for me. I think it's also a priority for you too, so see--our priorities really aren't that different. Just because everything isn't perfect like you pictured it right NOW doesn't mean that it won't be or can't be. You can't rush things, but I do appreciate your attention to making our relationship work and being interested in it being as wonderful as you picture it, but sweetie I'm afraid that's just not how things work. I'm trying to do better for you. I'm trying to change my mind for you, and me. I'm trying to be where you are, but I'm just not there right now. That doesn't mean I won't get there or that I don't care, it just means that I need more. More time or more something than you, I guess. I feel as lost as you do sometimes, I'm trying to figure this all out on my own. So basically I just try to roll with the punches. I also just try to love you the best way I know how and as much as I can. I hope that helps, and I hope that you can give me the benefit of the doubt that I'm trying to be better, and that I do love you.

And I do.

Always,

Blush

To My Future Mother-In-Law

Dear Sheryl,

I am so sorry I haven't been in touch with you. I pray you don't take this personally, and I sincerely hope you know that I simply ADORE you and your family. You know I love your son. Please don't think I havn't felt guilty about not calling you. I know I already told you about my issue with other people's mothers from situations in my past. And after staying with you and going to see Austin together I really felt like I had gotten over that. And I had! But now, I'm realizing it's a much, much, deeper problem. I know you think you went through one of the most dismal family situations, and I know you did, but as nuclear as my family may be, mine is perhaps more tragic. My family doesn't know how to be a family. Not at all. And we are one! We are not close, and go for months without seeing or speaking to each other sometimes. As hard as it is for me to feel like part of a real family, a close family, it's even harder for me to feel like part of someone else's family. And being in what I feel is the lowest part of my bipolar cycle, I just procrastinate and procrastinate until surprise! it's been two weeks--months sometimes. It's also been an interesting experience becoming engaged and realizing how much that changes things and how much I have to change to meet the challenge. That on top of this rehab thing and being so far away from Austin keep me fairly stressed out. I hope you understand. I will call you sometime this week and we'll talk.

I love you Sheryl, and could never ask for more in you...

Love,

Blush

Crazy In Love

I love you with all my heart, Austin Cox. Please don't ever forget, even though we are apart right now. I promise that I will do everything in my power to make sure you always feel it, because my love will be right with you, unfailing, forever and always. You are the light of my life and the light in my dark. Your smile melts my heart and makes my days. You mean so much more to me than you'll ever know. When we lived together, I fell in love with you every day, and continue to fall in love with you all over again every single day that passes. I fell in love with you all over again when I got to Dallas on Monday, at the movies on Tuesday, when you held me on Wednesday, yesterday at the Museum (and last night in bed, hehe) and then today as we said our temporary goodbyes--and I'm sure I will do the same tomorrow, and the next day, the next day, the day after that, and so on and so on. I hope you get the picture. I love you, I love you, I love you--one thousand times I love you. We are the only ones that can tear us apart, so I'll be handling everything with care, because I never want to be without you--you are my everything in this rotten world. Thank you for being so beautiful, your smile makes my life worth living.
I hope this was coherent...


Love Always--To Infinity and Beyond!

Excerpts from My Life MakeGood Use of the word Fuck

Dearest Austin,
I missed talking to you last night...I went to bed really early, like at 8 o'clock, because I'm really bothered like I was telling you yesterday, but I'm not sure by what. Most of the time I feel like I could jump out of my skin. And for no real reason even! I can only hope that rehab makes me happier like it did James in the novel. (A Million Little Pieces) 'Cause he didnt seem like he was ever gonna like it. And I don't dislike it I just--it was like that time I got high by myself in our old apartment in Austin, I fully realized the depths of my own junkiedom. In doing so I've given up or something. I was so all about being sober. Now I'm not all about anything. I'm not even all about getting high. I would rather sleep through my life. The fact is, I am never comfortable, and most of the time I want to scream bloody murder. Though I think of Austin and if I were there, working at Chevron or Freebirds, I think I would feel much the same way. Although I know there my course of action would most definately be to get high about it. I am so depressed--I must just miss you so much I don't even know what's going on because I have never missed you before--you were always there. I don't know; it's just everything. I know I will not meet any new, cool, or fun people here. I have already been there and done that like 10 years ago. I know I have nothing to look forward to. Everything is so bleak. I don't feel like I have the strength or the power to make things happen like I used to, and I guess I know where god is but I dont like it. No I fucking hate it. I don't know if I can do it all again. Help me Baby! I don't know what to do.

Fuck.
I Love You,
Blush

NEW artwork! untitled as of yet