Thursday, August 27, 2009

Why Not Me?

Sigh. I don't know who I am. I don't know where I am. I don't know what's the plan.
I just don't know anything. This week has been up and down and up and down. Over and over and over and over. So much stress is piling up on top of me, it's pulling me down, down, down. And the dreams, oh, the dreams. All night long I had horrifying dreams. Not typically horrifying, no death, no destruction. Just utter terror...horror...fear.

The first: My family is forced to move out of our house. And my father's business. Everything had to go. No rhyme or reason, no end result. Just me screaming, bawling, "But this is all I've known for the past 15 years! This is all I have! Nooooooo!" But they just kept taking and leaving and I just kept crying and screaming and screaming.

The second: I am in a love triangle with Austin and Jason. I get caught. Jason disappears, Austin wants to keep me. Then Austin disappears. I call everyone I know trying to find him. His parents ignore my phone calls. Everyone ignores my phone calls. I'm freaking, I know he's dead or in jail. Finally he shows back up again. We are driving around Austin, but everyone we know in Austin is from Lufkin (you know how dreams can be.) We have nowhere to go, so I'm trying to call everyone, anyone for help. No one answers, no one cares. Austin disappears again.

The third: I am about to take my morning Cymbalta. While looking through the pill bottle I see several pieces of Xanax. I get excited and dump the bottle to find them. The bottle never empties. Infinate pills pour out onto the table, no xanax to be found. Frustration abounds.

Extreme highs and extreme lows. Down so low as to bring others with me. Jason, for one. He doesn't understand, I doubt he ever will. Some of the things he said to me last night have me reeling.

"I only do nice things so that I can receive gratitude and platitudes."
"My panic attacks are merely childish temper tantrums."

I will never be the one to say that I am perfect, much the opposite. I am mainly imperfect; if you've read this blog or know me at all that's the one thing you should understand. The idea that this is how he truly feels about me; about who i am; breaks my heart. It hurts because I love him so much. Everything I've done for him has been out of love.

Panic attacks are childish and very much a tantrum. Ask any psychologist. That does not make them any less real or any less painful. I thought he understood this about me. I've never kept it hidden, I've never made excuses for it. I thought he loved me despite of it.

Despite my problems.
Despite my pain.

Perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps I have been wrong over and over. Over and over to the point of no return. I've ruined school and relationships and maybe my own life. I don't know. Will I ever know? Or will I just be continuously, inherently...wrong?

That's how I feel. Yesterday, today.

There are some reasons I suppose.
This Monday school started. Everyone's children's first day of school. All the proud Facebook and Myspace pictures got to me. Where are my children? Where is my family?? Why do those people have those things and I do not? Can't I feel the pride and the love in a child's eyes? What did I do wrong? Do I not deserve that happiness? Do I not deserve that pride? Do I not deserve that love?

Will I ever?

Even if "those" people in question have shitty lives and have done shitty things like I have, they still have that one thing that I desire so desperately...something to be proud of. Perhaps I am getting to that age. I'm done with this single life and this selfish life and this bullshit "fun."
I want something real.

Something I can put my arms around. Someone I can put my arms around. I don't think he is that something or that someone. He wants only what he wants, but I want it all. Is that such a horrible thing? Can't I have peace and fun and love...and romance too? Can't I have that? Don't I deserve it? Seems like everyone else does.

Why not me?

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Dandelion Dreams

I have a lover I cant help but love, a true friend, and a real life. Fate will find me. Things will come full circle. ...It's about time.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Identity Crisis

Changed the page up a bit. Feeling stir crazy. Annoyed at nothing in particular. Jason can drive me crazy, but it's not him. The truth is I drive myself crazy; sometimes crazier than others. Luckily he can bring me back to earth. Today I was not content. Tonight, as I watch him sleep I feel a bit more secure. In myself, not to be mistaken. But that I am who I think I am. Aren't I? There I go again. Got to keep ahold of myself. It's time. I'm really going to do this thing. I'm going to come out the other side this time, I know it. I wish I knew when, but like Mick Jagger said, "you can't always get what you want." So it is with life. "But if you try sometimes, you get what you neeeeeeeeeeeeed."

"Aw yeah baby..."

Thanks for everything, Mick.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

But There's a First Time For Everything

I was gonna quit my job today. I was determined. That's the last time that asshole talks to me like that, I swore. I went to work today ready to walk out at a moment's notice if I had to. Corporate dropped my health insurance and gave me one day's notice. Minimum wage went up to $7.25. I made almost a dollar over before, now only 25 cents. They refuse to raise me. I have two other jobs, at Bath & Body Works and American Eagle Outfitters, where I make $7.25, and my bosses there don't talk down to me. Hell, they don't even make me mad! And I can't fucking stand my boss at the Cookie Company. I was hellbent, he wasn't gonna screw me around ANYMORE.

And then I got to work.

No mention of the blow-up the other day, none at all. I won't go so far as to say he kissed my ass; but he was definately inordinately nice. So I decided not to walk out. But should I give my two weeks?? I hate working there with him and I do have two other jobs. Can my other jobs sustain me? I don't work very much there. I need to make sure they can give me more hours to make up for this job!

They didn't know.
So then I didn't know.
And instead of acting...

I feel like such a pussy. I've said this and I've said that and I STILL work for this asshole. At least the wheels are in motion for change, though. I've given 2 years of my life to that place. It's hard to leave it. I'm scared. I've never quit a job before.

But there's a first time for everything.

Saturday, August 01, 2009

It's Complicated

A couple weeks later. The feeling comes and goes, as do the days. Always coming, always going. A collection of pictures in my mind; the month has been a rushing blur. A collection of smiles, a collection of tears. And the anger--it's undeniable. I don't always handle it well as anger is a much less familiar emotion than mere happiness or sadness. Most familiar is fear. And I'm terrified.

It's complicated.

If anger grows out of confusion, confusion abounds. It can be tough to take at times, the times when I regret taking it out on certain people. I find myself at a crossroads. I do not know what I want. I know what I do not want.

I do not want to be what I have always been.

I do not want to seek comfort in outside sources; I want to be able to stand alone. Alone. That's how I began and that's how I will end. The older I grow the closer I get to the realization that I can trust no one. Danielle has proven herself. My parents have proven themselves time and time again. Dinah has proven herself as loyal a pet as a girl could want. However, besides the aforementioned, I am on my own, and it's time for me to be a big girl and fucking deal with it. However it may hurt, and it does, it's time to face reality. I'm no spring chicken. If no one has wanted me yet, my chances of finding whatever the fuck it is they call love, depreciate by the minute. Tick. My ten year high school reunion is coming up. Tock. My biological clock is ticking and tocking, ever louder by the moment. Louder and louder. I was really hoping that Jason would be everything he said he would be--he wasn't. I was everything he said he wanted--he didn't. Although he is a much better friend than he was a boyfriend, what about what I want? Is there anybody out there up for the challenge I apparently pose to the opposite sex? Where is my fucking soulmate? I see a disturbing pattern and I want to destroy it. Fucking demolish the piece of shit. Until nobody remembers. Not even me. Yet the question remains: Is there anybody out there? Isn't there? How long must I yearn for Him? How long must I burn for Him? The embers blaze blood red...from the bottom of my broken--but still beating--heart.