Friday, December 18, 2009

Can You Meet Me Halfway?

What's with the fighting lately?
This time it was with Jason.
It breaks my heart every time...
I'm too needy,
He's too remote.
Truth is after every fight I feel we are closer than ever.
I don't know if we'll be taking that next step any time soon though.
Relationships can be hard work. But should they be?
When it's bad it's so bad...
But when it's good,

Can you meet me halfway? Right at the borderline?
That's where I'm gonna wait...for you.
I'll be lookin' out...night and day...
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where I'll stay.

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Sweet And Sour

I am trying to work out a lease agreement with my Ex over the truck that we once shared. After saying one thing for months then changing his mind when I did not want him back, he changed his mind and is threatening to take my vehicle and means to work right out from underneath me. I've put thousands of dollars into this truck at this point. The truth is that if he cared so much about that truck he wouldn't have started doing drugs again immediately after he signed the loan. Now he's tripping over paperwork. And then the name calling began. Regardless of the details of the fight, the phrases child molester(?) and crack whore should never come up during a conversation about a lease agreement.
He called me a child molester and a crack whore.

It was fucked.
On so many levels.

That's all I could think about. I was ready to join a metal band.
I wanted to physically hurt him. Destroy him.
It took a whole xanax to calm me down.

Apparently I did not have the right words for this situation yesterday because pretty much everyone but my own mother thought I overreacted. Jason was wonderful. However childish he thought it was, he still called Austin and told him to shut up and leave me alone.
That meant a lot to me.

So anyway, I've decided to let Kelly Clarkson speak on my behalf:

Sour First...
So what’s your evil attitude
When you got me spending my time pleasing you
Why must you keep me underground
Tell me tell me, why you wanna bring me down?
Is it too much to give a damn
When I GAVE you one hundred and ten
Don’t blink cause I won’t be around
Tell me tell me, why you wanna bring me down?

...Then Sweet.
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you
Now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Monday, November 30, 2009

I'm Falling in Love all Over Again

It's the little things here and there...
Lately I'm seeing them everywhere.
I am so proud of him...
He gets sexier every day.

Today he told me he'd be with me for the rest of his natural life.
But not out right, he's not that kind of guy.
It was a "by the way" situation, making it that much more charming...
It is just what I've been desperate to hear.

We talk about our future.
We've discussed our children's names.
I got him to look at wedding dresses tonight,
And that's when I knew he loved me and would never leave me.

He may even take my surname one day!
As he has no relationship with his father.
This caught me off guard in the most flattering way;
And it wasn't long till I was scribbling like a school girl...

Jason Dickerson Hughes
Molly Kathryn Hughes
James Andrew Hughes
Rachel Olivia Hughes that embarrassing for a grown woman to doodle in private...?
I feel like a child in so many ways. Finally in the good ways.

I'm in a healthy relationship for the first time,
We are kindred spirits, he said so.
My body has never fit so beautifully with any man...ever.
I am in love, in love with a man I never knew existed.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Es La Verdad (A Greater Understanding)

The Pisces Man...Jason.

You may have observed that Pisces is a strongly feminine sign. Feminine, that is, in terms of its feeling bias, its imagination, its softness, its compassion. Many Pisces men are extremely masculine, and perfectly capable of what Jung calls, 'Knowing what you want and doing what you have to do to get it'. But all in all, the combination of being a man and being a Pisces is a slightly uneasy one. Largely, once again, because of collective pressures and social expectations.

There are a great many turntypes among Pisces men. They compensate in a thousand ways for being Pisceans. Some of them run in terror from the depths of their underwater visions, into an extreme and brittle kind of rationality which calls for statistics, definitions and proofs. They are the dogmatic material scientists, attempting to stamp out in others what they fear in themselves. They have no tolerance for what they call 'emotionality', and cannot abide moodiness in others because their own threatens to overwhelm them.

But if a Pisces man has the courage to face his own vulnerability, and to see that it can live happily side by side with his manhood, then you have a rare creature. And he's able to maintain his manhood without disappearing underwater into the realm of escape, that is. This is the hero of so many books and films, the antihero, the gentle fighter, the sensitive lover. It's perhaps closer to our modern myth of man than any other, since it's a peculiar marriage of male and female. The Pisces man who has accomplished this has a rare charisma, a drama about him that makes him endlessly fascinating both to men and women alike.

Sadly, many more Pisces men hit the extremes. We've mentioned the rationalist, the Pisces who hates being a Pisces and wants desperately to protect his own sensitivity. The opposite kind is also common enough. He's the fellow who loves strong women, especially women who can support him financially; who can take care of him while he's writing the eternal half-finished novel, while he's contemplating the job he'll never take. He's the passive victim, abused and betrayed by a cold, brutal wife, looking for pity and sympathy and playing for all its worth to the maternal instinct of some poor foolish woman who thinks all his romanticism is true tenderness and feeling. These are pathetic Pisceans and their wives and lovers are frustrated women who have to be men most of the time and chafe violently against it. Many Piscean men of this type gravitate toward the powerful signs in women: Leo, Aries, Scorpio, Capricorn. They have no strength of their own, and seek it in a partnership.

As you might guess, Pisces tends to run to extremes. It's rare that you get a neutral Pisces. It's generally one extreme or the other.

The Pisces man generally needs to feel 'understood' more than anything else. This isn't so much a sign of physical passion as it is a sensuous sign, a sybaritic sign. Dragging the woman off by the hair to the cave isn't generally Pisces' style. Allowing himself to strike up a warm, sympathetic conversation and then allowing himself to be seduced by good wine, soft music, satin sheets and erotic underwear is much more his style. Pisces is as happy being passive as a lover as he is being, literally or figuratively, the one on top. It's his particular brand of masculinity. Often he will make himself the buffoon, the clown, the victim, for he works a lot from sympathy and empathy. Women love to protect him. He can protect himself perfectly well. But it isn't always in his interests to let you know that.

Trust him and you'll bring the best out of him. See only the shadowy side of him and he'll have a devil of a time trusting himself. He never trusts himself anyway; he's brutally realistic, beneath all those visions. He needs the trust and loyalty of another person to bring out his own - the realistic trust, that is. Accuse him of something, and he'll happily go out and do it, just to please. His way of fighting is not to fight; it's to bend so far backwards that you fall on your face. Impotence is also his way of fighting. In this, you'll see the feminine side of the sign in strong colours. Passive resistance is a technique dear to the Piscean heart.

You might think he can easily be dominated. Think again. In fact his world doesn't include dominant or submissive. He'll play pliant on the surface because it's easier, because it's not that often important enough to draw blood. Beneath that pliant surface, it isn't that he needs to control; he just wants to be left alone. Try to dominate, and you'll discover you're empty-handed. He's simply drifted away, without a fuss.

If you are the type who likes to have all your decisions made for you, don't choose a Pisces. On the other hand, if you want someone to henpeck, pass on this one too. Now you see him, now you don't. No promise or marriage contract means anything to him if the fundamental values of the relationship have been abused. And he'll see through all the games pretty quickly. He just won't be there the next morning. No note, no phone call. Just gone. Like the fish.

But if you want a relationship which is more nearly like the ideal vision of what the so-called 'liberated' woman seeks (and these are rare animals as well), you will find that Pisces is not one of your diehard male chauvinists. Being strongly emotional himself, he usually has immense empathy for women. He generally gets on with them better than men. And with his profound understanding of human nature, you're not likely either to be the housekeeper or the sex object. You get to be a person. And that's worth quite a lot.

The Pisces Woman...Myself.

Many paeans have been written to the Pisces woman, for her mystery, her gentleness, her compassion, her elusive charm, her pregnant silences. And she may be, indeed, the archetypal feminine. The lovely, gracious princess of the fairy-tale castle, waiting for the suitor to rescue her and cherish and protect her, is modeled on Pisces. The Pisces woman has a unique ability to make a man feel terribly masculine, because she seems so often to need protecting, cherishing, and tenderness. Because she has such a changeable range and depth of feeling, she often gives the impression of being slightly unformed. It brings out the Pygmalion tendencies in any would-be artisans. Many men think they can shape her into what they choose. In part, it's true. The qualities of devotion and gentleness and softness are in abundance in many Piscean women. But blank slate she's not.

Like the Pisces man, she's unfathomable, and possesses a soul which no one can ultimately reach. Although eager to please and rarely argumentative, she also has the gift of defence through submergence. Now you see her, now you don't. She may physically disappear, usually with a lover; but more likely she'll be physically present and simply psychologically disappear, gone to the underwater realms or to someone else in fantasy. It's a very peculiar feeling when she's gone. No one home.

Romanticism runs very high in the Pisces woman. She expects, and needs the poetry and tenderness and style that any fairy-tale princess merits. Starve her of these and you will drive her either to another lover or into herself, where she may transform into the martyr. Provide them, and your princess becomes a queen. Simple. Yet astonishingly difficult for many men, since Pisces, as a watery sign, seems to attract airy types who believe they can impress her with their sparkling intellects and long for the exhibitions of feeling she herself provides without realizing they must give in exchange.

And make no mistake, the Pisces woman, if she is disappointed, will not hesitate to deceive. Remember Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton? Being good to her isn't enough. You must enter her dreams with her. Ignore them, patronize them, and you do so at your own risk. There is a strong theatrical element in the Pisces woman. She has a unique gift for getting herself into the most dreadful dilemmas and crisis which no one could possibly sort out, and then going about among her friends asking for advice which is never taken since her need to suffer and sacrifice is fed by the dilemma. A perplexing creature.

But meet her in later life, and all the compassion and wisdom which come from having seen the seamy side of just about everything yield a glow and a richness which is far more meaningful than the unshaped marble which Pygmalion sees in her late teens and early twenties. In this, the last of the signs, the Wise Woman emerges - with all the instinctual wisdom of her sex and all the human insights of her sign. Often she is almost mediumistic, preferring to shelter herself from life because this gift is so dubious and so difficult to bear. There is also more than a touch of the witch in Pisces; whether it is white or black depends on whether she has been badly bruised, and how badly. A Pisces woman gone wrong is a vampire, playing on the fantasy life of others, and draining their strength. Never underestimate her, because she may be inarticulate or reluctant to explain herself. Neptune is an enigmatic god; to love him is to love the ocean, for all its moods and changes, its anger and its peacefulness, its destruction and its beauty.

Yes, we're back together.
Thinking about moving in together next year... !

Friday, October 23, 2009

Aromatherapy Stress Relief in Tranquil Mint

I got the job at Bath & Body Works! HUGE promotion for me! Customer Sales Lead. It's a big job, and I get stressed out easily. My biggest character flaw is that when something doesn't come naturally to me, I tend to want to quit or cry. Yeah. Not something I'm proud of at all. But I AM proud of this job.

So Austin is out of jail now, living in a court-ordered halfway house in Temple, Texas. I think it's shitty that his mom (who I used to be extremely close to) has declared that she wants me to have no contact with Austin, which is a kick in the teeth after having been there for BOTH of them for so long now. I am NOT the bad guy.

Though it has felt good with him around again. His voice feels like home. I hope to get to know who he is now.

When I was relatively unemployed, I took on a babysitting job for a guy friend of mine with a crazy baby mama. When I say crazy, I mean she's got 2 aggravated assault charges against her and is on probation. The baby, Ember, is only 6 months old, and we were having a blast. When it came time to put the Ember down to nap, I'm lie on the bed to watch her, dozing myself. I heard something loud and wondered what it was. It didn't take long to find out.
Suddenly the baby's mom is in the room and I stand up and say "you're not supposed to be here!" So she grabs my breast and twists it and throws me to the ground and grabs Ember and takes off. I get up and chase after her and by this point there's nothing I can do, she's already in the getaway car, driven by an ex-boyfriend. I'm trippin. The only thing worse than LOSING the baby, as a babysitter, is if the baby dies. So I call the dad, and the grandma, and of course, the cops. I file an assault charge, which was later dropped by the county, although William's lawyer filed a motion against the mother for interfering with the custodial rights of a child. The custody hearing was yesterday.
I was subpeonaed by BOTH parties to testify. Got sworn in and everything. I was so nervous! I'd never been to court save to plead guilty and say "yes sir" and "no sir" when instructed. These lawyers wanted to cross-examine me, Law & Order style! LUCKILY, I never had to take the stand because the mom was in so badly they just made a deal where William has full custody and she only gets to see Ember like 8 hours a week under state supervision. So basically, we won. But Here's the kicker.This bitch alleged that I was NAKED with the child. WTF. So I'm temporarily not allowed around the baby. Temporary meaning a couple months. The lawyer said it really didn't mean much. But I gave that bitch the EVILEST eye on the way out of court. Tell me that's not fucked.

The whole situation was traumatizing.

is getting married next October! I'm the maid of honor. So I've been busy checking out wedding ideas and fun, girly stuff like that. The wedding is in Dallas at a magnificent hotel. The "theme" is Vintage Southern.
I can't wait! Never been a bridesmaid. Maybe I'll catch the bouquet!

So Jason and I have been getting closer, but he had made it terribly clear to me that he wanted me to move on. Therefore I had. Austin's back, and I remember why I loved him. I ran into Jeremy, an old high school friend at a Texas Aggie football game a couple weeks ago. My dad mortified me by making it OBVIOUS that I was single. Well, we have a wedding shower we're both invited to tomorrow, so it's a date. I have a date! Afterparty at his house. It's only AFTER all this, that Jason owns up to me that he's still in love with me. Men! What's a girl to do?

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Tears of Pain, Catharsis, and Happy Surprise

So. Yesterday was a rough day. I found out one of my good friends, who will remain unnamed, was arrested for selling to an undercover. The penalties in this country for non-violent drug offenders are ridiculous, and it hurts me because I know what he's in for. It's not good. I saw him the night before he turned himself in. When I left I gave him the fist bump...if I would have known what was gonna happen a few hours later I would have hugged his neck. Honestly, I'm surprised at my feelings because I believe in taking responsibility for your actions, I did. But my heart goes out to him because the flood of emotion surrounding my own incarceration has knocked me on my ass. The lonliness. Utter and complete loneliness and isolation from everyone and everything you love. It sucks.

And of course I internalize that feeling. Lots of shit has gone down this summer. I've found out who my friends ARE and EXACTLY who they aren't. It's hard when you put yourself out there and people don't accept you for who you are. That's a REAL lonely place. And I've found myself there this morning.

I've been sleeping at Jason's because he's needed me. His bitch-ass roomate is moving out and sticking him with tons of bills. She was too chickenshit to tell him herself. He found out from someone at a party. Yeah. He could have won an Academy Award for not crying on the spot. Now he's trippin cause he's afraid he might become "homeless." I love him too much to let that happen. Love like in a regular way. He's one of my best friends. I know that sounds like bullshit, but it's true. I love him like family. I may love him more than that, but I honestly don't know. It's up to him and the way he acts. We've been working through alot of the muck we've found ourselves in. Either way, I've been taking care of him, giving all I've got to keep him going, because I know if he quits now, it's all over.

And he's got his first show coming up in a few weeks. And I won't let him fail.

So this morning we talked. I cried. All the strength I'd mustered up over the last few days/weeks has waned. I've given and given and given and given till I don't know if I've got anything else to give. That's a very lonely place.

And of course, just as I'm ready to give up, throw in the towel, and crawl in a hole, I get this phone call out of the blue...

My manager from Bath & Body Works calls to tell me that they want to promote me to sales lead, which is a permanent, management position! I couldn't believe it. I've got to meet up with her tomorrow for the first of 3 interviews. This is a godsend to me. As soon as I hung up the phone I hit my knees and thanked god. I cried to him. I apologized for counting him out. I begged his forgiveness. I should have never doubted his love. I thanked him again and again for the opportunity to make something out of myself, and this time, I'm gonna do it!

Thursday, September 03, 2009


...I can't help but wish He loved Me like I love Him.
Without Condition. I just don't know any other way to love!

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

I Love Eminem Entirely Too Much

I've spent several days away and without contact with Jason and I was fine! Haha! I didn't miss him as much as I thought I would. As much as I do love him, I'm about 95% sure I'm not IN LOVE with him. Not anymore at least. But he's still my 'best guy' so to speak. I think I'm his 'best girl'. But Austin is getting out of jail soon, finally. I don't feel like I know him anymore, it's been SO long. I fear it would be like seeing a ghost. That is something that I can barely bring myself to deal with. All I can do is throw my hands up and sigh. As Slim Shady once said "I just don't give a FUCK!" Okay maybe that's not quite the right quote for this situation at all, but I've been listening to entirely too much Eminem lately, heh. I just can't give a fuck because it drains me emotionally and stresses me in a way that I DO NOT operate well under. Not right now anyway. Really though, I need to concentrate more on me right now, not boys. I've got to. I'm seriously thinking of going back to school in the Spring. Well I'm working up the confidence to. I haven't been in so many years it seems hard to be a student again, although I was a good student--that is--when I actually went to class, heh.
Anyway, ya'll are the best for being there for me (you know who you are) as you always have been and thats why I love ya!...turns out I was totally hormonal. Yeah...
I enjoy...being a girl!!! (Whoever wrote that song had to be kidding. I mean come on.)
I'm Cool now Ladies. Getting Back On Track. Gonna Make it Work. Cause I'm a Soldier...
Oh no. Again with the Eminem lyrics!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Why Not Me?

Sigh. I don't know who I am. I don't know where I am. I don't know what's the plan.
I just don't know anything. This week has been up and down and up and down. Over and over and over and over. So much stress is piling up on top of me, it's pulling me down, down, down. And the dreams, oh, the dreams. All night long I had horrifying dreams. Not typically horrifying, no death, no destruction. Just utter terror...horror...fear.

The first: My family is forced to move out of our house. And my father's business. Everything had to go. No rhyme or reason, no end result. Just me screaming, bawling, "But this is all I've known for the past 15 years! This is all I have! Nooooooo!" But they just kept taking and leaving and I just kept crying and screaming and screaming.

The second: I am in a love triangle with Austin and Jason. I get caught. Jason disappears, Austin wants to keep me. Then Austin disappears. I call everyone I know trying to find him. His parents ignore my phone calls. Everyone ignores my phone calls. I'm freaking, I know he's dead or in jail. Finally he shows back up again. We are driving around Austin, but everyone we know in Austin is from Lufkin (you know how dreams can be.) We have nowhere to go, so I'm trying to call everyone, anyone for help. No one answers, no one cares. Austin disappears again.

The third: I am about to take my morning Cymbalta. While looking through the pill bottle I see several pieces of Xanax. I get excited and dump the bottle to find them. The bottle never empties. Infinate pills pour out onto the table, no xanax to be found. Frustration abounds.

Extreme highs and extreme lows. Down so low as to bring others with me. Jason, for one. He doesn't understand, I doubt he ever will. Some of the things he said to me last night have me reeling.

"I only do nice things so that I can receive gratitude and platitudes."
"My panic attacks are merely childish temper tantrums."

I will never be the one to say that I am perfect, much the opposite. I am mainly imperfect; if you've read this blog or know me at all that's the one thing you should understand. The idea that this is how he truly feels about me; about who i am; breaks my heart. It hurts because I love him so much. Everything I've done for him has been out of love.

Panic attacks are childish and very much a tantrum. Ask any psychologist. That does not make them any less real or any less painful. I thought he understood this about me. I've never kept it hidden, I've never made excuses for it. I thought he loved me despite of it.

Despite my problems.
Despite my pain.

Perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps I have been wrong over and over. Over and over to the point of no return. I've ruined school and relationships and maybe my own life. I don't know. Will I ever know? Or will I just be continuously, inherently...wrong?

That's how I feel. Yesterday, today.

There are some reasons I suppose.
This Monday school started. Everyone's children's first day of school. All the proud Facebook and Myspace pictures got to me. Where are my children? Where is my family?? Why do those people have those things and I do not? Can't I feel the pride and the love in a child's eyes? What did I do wrong? Do I not deserve that happiness? Do I not deserve that pride? Do I not deserve that love?

Will I ever?

Even if "those" people in question have shitty lives and have done shitty things like I have, they still have that one thing that I desire so desperately...something to be proud of. Perhaps I am getting to that age. I'm done with this single life and this selfish life and this bullshit "fun."
I want something real.

Something I can put my arms around. Someone I can put my arms around. I don't think he is that something or that someone. He wants only what he wants, but I want it all. Is that such a horrible thing? Can't I have peace and fun and love...and romance too? Can't I have that? Don't I deserve it? Seems like everyone else does.

Why not me?

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Dandelion Dreams

I have a lover I cant help but love, a true friend, and a real life. Fate will find me. Things will come full circle. ...It's about time.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Identity Crisis

Changed the page up a bit. Feeling stir crazy. Annoyed at nothing in particular. Jason can drive me crazy, but it's not him. The truth is I drive myself crazy; sometimes crazier than others. Luckily he can bring me back to earth. Today I was not content. Tonight, as I watch him sleep I feel a bit more secure. In myself, not to be mistaken. But that I am who I think I am. Aren't I? There I go again. Got to keep ahold of myself. It's time. I'm really going to do this thing. I'm going to come out the other side this time, I know it. I wish I knew when, but like Mick Jagger said, "you can't always get what you want." So it is with life. "But if you try sometimes, you get what you neeeeeeeeeeeeed."

"Aw yeah baby..."

Thanks for everything, Mick.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

But There's a First Time For Everything

I was gonna quit my job today. I was determined. That's the last time that asshole talks to me like that, I swore. I went to work today ready to walk out at a moment's notice if I had to. Corporate dropped my health insurance and gave me one day's notice. Minimum wage went up to $7.25. I made almost a dollar over before, now only 25 cents. They refuse to raise me. I have two other jobs, at Bath & Body Works and American Eagle Outfitters, where I make $7.25, and my bosses there don't talk down to me. Hell, they don't even make me mad! And I can't fucking stand my boss at the Cookie Company. I was hellbent, he wasn't gonna screw me around ANYMORE.

And then I got to work.

No mention of the blow-up the other day, none at all. I won't go so far as to say he kissed my ass; but he was definately inordinately nice. So I decided not to walk out. But should I give my two weeks?? I hate working there with him and I do have two other jobs. Can my other jobs sustain me? I don't work very much there. I need to make sure they can give me more hours to make up for this job!

They didn't know.
So then I didn't know.
And instead of acting...

I feel like such a pussy. I've said this and I've said that and I STILL work for this asshole. At least the wheels are in motion for change, though. I've given 2 years of my life to that place. It's hard to leave it. I'm scared. I've never quit a job before.

But there's a first time for everything.

Saturday, August 01, 2009

It's Complicated

A couple weeks later. The feeling comes and goes, as do the days. Always coming, always going. A collection of pictures in my mind; the month has been a rushing blur. A collection of smiles, a collection of tears. And the anger--it's undeniable. I don't always handle it well as anger is a much less familiar emotion than mere happiness or sadness. Most familiar is fear. And I'm terrified.

It's complicated.

If anger grows out of confusion, confusion abounds. It can be tough to take at times, the times when I regret taking it out on certain people. I find myself at a crossroads. I do not know what I want. I know what I do not want.

I do not want to be what I have always been.

I do not want to seek comfort in outside sources; I want to be able to stand alone. Alone. That's how I began and that's how I will end. The older I grow the closer I get to the realization that I can trust no one. Danielle has proven herself. My parents have proven themselves time and time again. Dinah has proven herself as loyal a pet as a girl could want. However, besides the aforementioned, I am on my own, and it's time for me to be a big girl and fucking deal with it. However it may hurt, and it does, it's time to face reality. I'm no spring chicken. If no one has wanted me yet, my chances of finding whatever the fuck it is they call love, depreciate by the minute. Tick. My ten year high school reunion is coming up. Tock. My biological clock is ticking and tocking, ever louder by the moment. Louder and louder. I was really hoping that Jason would be everything he said he would be--he wasn't. I was everything he said he wanted--he didn't. Although he is a much better friend than he was a boyfriend, what about what I want? Is there anybody out there up for the challenge I apparently pose to the opposite sex? Where is my fucking soulmate? I see a disturbing pattern and I want to destroy it. Fucking demolish the piece of shit. Until nobody remembers. Not even me. Yet the question remains: Is there anybody out there? Isn't there? How long must I yearn for Him? How long must I burn for Him? The embers blaze blood red...from the bottom of my broken--but still beating--heart.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


So we finally had the talk. Alot of shit had gone down the past couple weekends. Random infidelity, drunken fights, broken cigarettes; broken hearts. We had to mend ourselves in some way, as the trauma left both of us in a seemingly pitiful state. So we talked. And we talked. We hung out. Then we talked some more. We spoke at our leisure; as things came up. Five hours later, when it was all said and all done, the miscommunication and misconceptions we had for one another were sucked out the window like smoke, it was great. He says he wants to be close friends, that apparently, he couldn't handle the seriousness of the relationship and that it's nothing to do with me. That he doesn't understand himself because he thought this was what he wanted. He seems rather depressed about it.
I was skeptical at first. Obviously. I had a hard time believing that there wasn't something wrong with ME. After talking, I am positive that is not the case. After giving the situation way too much thought and way too much consideration, I decided that I hadn't come this far to lose one of my closest friends, because that's what hurt me the most. The Break. The thought that I'd opened myself up to another--to the tiniest detail--and been rejected. The bond gone; the wound open and bled out. Another void in my life. Yet through this void ripped something perhaps more lovely; petal-pink blossoms grown amidst the thorns.
We may have both tried to rip the relationship apart and we did: but what happened in turn was that we ripped it into a new kind of ship--friendship.

Flawed, but masterfully crafted.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

The Break-Up

Dear Jason,

I came here tonight because I thought you wanted to talk to me. I am truly happy that you're out and having fun, you needed to have some fun without me bugging you. Ashlyn told me you are very drunk, partying on an island in Lake Sam Rayburn with Chad. I'm glad you got to be with your brother, I know he's your best friend. I wouldn't want to talk to you drunk anyway.

You are right, we both need to be away from each other. Crystal said you wanted to be friends, which by all indications, you do. I came here to tell you that I want to be friends too. I just need some things explained to my heart before that can happen.

It's gonna take some time to not want you anymore but I realize I made my own mistakes. I came here tonight to talk to you about those mistakes and say some things you probably couldn't have predicted. Hopefully one day we will be able to do so. I am off tomorrow.

It just hurts right now because I feel outlawed in this society because they all love you and I'm relatively new and expendable. I guess.

I wish you would have been here, because I was really ready to do this, and now it seems as if your concern was all fake. Please don't let me go on believing that it was ALL fake for too much longer. That's what makes me wanna be mean to you--and I don't wanna be mean to you!

Of course it hurts that it's over. But apparently it wasn't meant to be. If it was lust, whatever it was, I understand that. It's a break-up, I just need a little time to get over you. But please give me this one last thing so that I can move past the pain and hopefully into a cool friendship with a guy that I still think is one of the best guys I know.

Sincerely, and with regular Love,


Thursday, July 02, 2009

Please Don't Confuse a Bipolar Person

Another argument.
He says he needs space. Then he says he wants me. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. No matter what I do it doesn't make him happy. I get the feeling that he is done/tired of me. I've been crying at nights fo
r almost 3 days now. Just as soon as I really fall in love with him, he doesn't want me anymore. But then he invites me to the 4th at his family's house. Now I'm really confused because he says he wants space, then invites me to see his family. So yeah, I've been acting kinda crazy because it seems like I'm getting mixed signals.

But I do love him, and I don't wanna break up. I hope it doesn't come to that.
One extreme to another...What's a girl to do??

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

The Good Die Young

Early this year the world lost a wonderful young man and one of my own childhood playmates, Zac Cook. I still cry real tears when I think of him--gone. Today was one of those days. Our families are not related, but the Cooks are my family. Always have been. He was like a's not fair!

I'll never forget punching both Zac and his older brother David for putting salt on my watermelon when I was six.

Of all the memories, that's the one thats always gets me.

It's not often a death hits me this hard. But the hardest part was hugging Uncle David, Aunt Becky, and Little David at the house after the funeral. I had to leave early. It simply hurt too much.

You may have heard about this on the national news. A BlackHawk helicopter doing drills fell out of the sky and on top of Zac. On Texas A&M Campus. My dad kept the traditional Aggie "Riderless Horse" in our family's stable. They shot the Aggie Cannon 3 times. The Army was there, as he was just enlisted and waiting on an assignment, and gave the family a full military funeral, guns and all. Traffic on the highway came to a stop when the cannons blew. The funeral was the best I've ever been to. My dad made us sit on the back row in case he cried. I had to take xanax to make it though it. But it was beautiful, just like Zac's life.

If you could, if you would, for me, just take a quick look at the links below, and understand why the world lost so much when we lost Zac. For me... Aggie Reaction

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

A Chick and A Dick

Last night we had our first big fight. Sigh. Long story short, he borrowed my truck 'cause his car is broken right now to go out of town on a job--and didn't come back when he said he would. I had to work at American Eagle at 9pm to do markdowns, and I was trippin. NOT happy that he disrespected my wishes and didn't contact me throughout the day to tell me what was up. And being a dick about it. Not that he was doing anything he wasn't supposed to be doing, but he scared me. I thought I could depend on him. I guess I can, because he somehow made it back and got me to work on time. Oh, I let him know how I felt. He's just so strange sometimes. It's like when I'm nice to him (which is my nature) he acts indifferent. But when I'm bitchy, it drives him crazy. In that good way. Like he can't get enough of me. I suppose it's the same way with chicks. Just hard to get used to.

It's just so easy to forgive him his trespasses. Is that love? Isn't it?

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Temptation and Desire

He lies in bed reading Anne Rice on his belly in the nude. The Queen of the Damned. He has no idea how sexy he is. He always wears his socks to bed. Always. His skin is brown velvet-suede softness. I've never completely felt anyone like him. His smell is intoxicating. It's because of him I'm considering things I've never considered before. Starting a family sooner than later, staying in our small hometown, living in the country one day. Reading Stephen King novels and watching fuckin Playstation and jogging and crazy shit like that. I'd even live in a trailer--with him, of course.

So yeah. This is where I find myself tonight.

But he's my lover, my LOVE, I mean I love him. Am I truly IN love with him though? Is he truly IN love with me?? Don't get carried away Blush...but what's a girl to do with velvet-suede arms and perfectly soft lips beckoning her ever toward the flame? It's the passion that I crave. No matter the precaution taken to prevent being burnt, it's mostly inevitable. The chances of escaping the burn are slim to none. I'm a moth to a flame--the temptation of desire can destroy you. Or your relationship. Or worse.

But if you can't stand the heat, get out the damned kitchen, right?

Friday, June 26, 2009

The Only Thing that Stays the Same is Everything Changes

Holy Shit. It's been so long since I've done this I've been scared to even try. The fear is paralyzing. It's what keeps me here. I am still living with my parents in Lufkin, Texas. Some things have changed in my life though, in the past year. My fiance went back to jail. Yes. I supported him. But sometimes love isn't enough. Of our almost 3 year relationship we spent 2 of those years apart. He ultimately chose drugs over me in his time(s) of need and it took him away from me. The longer he was gone the more it hurt. He left me alone too long.

Enter Jason Dickerson.

Jason is a guy I met through friends here in Lufkin. At first we really didn't like each other, even though I always thought he was a cutie. It's actually a funny story how we got together. He moved away to Houston, then when I saw him again here visiting, it was in a totally new light. I began to have feelings for him and I knew I had to end it with Austin, however difficult that was, and it was. We both cried. When I told him there was someone else, he gave me his blessing.

So now I have a new boyfriend. One of the most healthy relationships I've ever been in. Not based on drugs or sex or fantasy. Based in reality. Though sometimes harsh, in reality, I find myself growing to love him more and more daily. However, the fear remains.