A Chick and A Dick

Last night we had our first big fight. Sigh. Long story short, he borrowed my truck 'cause his car is broken right now to go out of town on a job--and didn't come back when he said he would. I had to work at American Eagle at 9pm to do markdowns, and I was trippin. NOT happy that he disrespected my wishes and didn't contact me throughout the day to tell me what was up. And being a dick about it. Not that he was doing anything he wasn't supposed to be doing, but he scared me. I thought I could depend on him. I guess I can, because he somehow made it back and got me to work on time. Oh, I let him know how I felt. He's just so strange sometimes. It's like when I'm nice to him (which is my nature) he acts indifferent. But when I'm bitchy, it drives him crazy. In that good way. Like he can't get enough of me. I suppose it's the same way with chicks. Just hard to get used to.

It's just so easy to forgive him his trespasses. Is that love? Isn't it?

Temptation and Desire

He lies in bed reading Anne Rice on his belly in the nude. The Queen of the Damned. He has no idea how sexy he is. He always wears his socks to bed. Always. His skin is brown velvet-suede softness. I've never completely felt anyone like him. His smell is intoxicating. It's because of him I'm considering things I've never considered before. Starting a family sooner than later, staying in our small hometown, living in the country one day. Reading Stephen King novels and watching fuckin Playstation and jogging and crazy shit like that. I'd even live in a trailer--with him, of course.

So yeah. This is where I find myself tonight.

But he's my lover, my LOVE, I mean I love him. Am I truly IN love with him though? Is he truly IN love with me?? Don't get carried away Blush...but what's a girl to do with velvet-suede arms and perfectly soft lips beckoning her ever toward the flame? It's the passion that I crave. No matter the precaution taken to prevent being burnt, it's mostly inevitable. The chances of escaping the burn are slim to none. I'm a moth to a flame--the temptation of desire can destroy you. Or your relationship. Or worse.

But if you can't stand the heat, get out the damned kitchen, right?

The Only Thing that Stays the Same is Everything Changes

Holy Shit. It's been so long since I've done this I've been scared to even try. The fear is paralyzing. It's what keeps me here. I am still living with my parents in Lufkin, Texas. Some things have changed in my life though, in the past year. My fiance went back to jail. Yes. I supported him. But sometimes love isn't enough. Of our almost 3 year relationship we spent 2 of those years apart. He ultimately chose drugs over me in his time(s) of need and it took him away from me. The longer he was gone the more it hurt. He left me alone too long.

Enter Jason Dickerson.

Jason is a guy I met through friends here in Lufkin. At first we really didn't like each other, even though I always thought he was a cutie. It's actually a funny story how we got together. He moved away to Houston, then when I saw him again here visiting, it was in a totally new light. I began to have feelings for him and I knew I had to end it with Austin, however difficult that was, and it was. We both cried. When I told him there was someone else, he gave me his blessing.

So now I have a new boyfriend. One of the most healthy relationships I've ever been in. Not based on drugs or sex or fantasy. Based in reality. Though sometimes harsh, in reality, I find myself growing to love him more and more daily. However, the fear remains.