Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Anger Directed Only At Myself

Sounds good
I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Fear and Loathing in Lufkin, Texas

Today I am hurt. It has been pointed out to me that I make myself nothing but a victim. Well I suppose that's true. I'm a victim of myself. I fuck myself every time I turn around, and not in that good way. So now I have to face the consequences. I will probably find out exactly when to report to Rehab today. I am terrified. I am embarrassed. I am ashamed. I feel like I can't make it through this. I feel like I'm just not worth it. I'm a junkie, and nothing's gonna change that. It's just a lost cause. I'm a lost cause. Because in reality, I have accomplished nothing. I may speak otherwise but it's the awful truth. An awful lie. The only thing I'm good at is doing drugs and now they are taking that away from me. Leaving me with nothing. A huge consuming, sucking void. Sucking the life out of me. I have no talents. I write this although I don't know why. It only sounds whiny and boring. I used to think I was cool but I'm not. I'm just another loser junkie.
Nothing special about that.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Pre-Rehab Junkie

Blush and Her "Sister" Meagan in my old empty apartment

A teary-eyed Blush after picking up her old work hat.
It was so hard to walk out of that store.

Oh, the flash is too bright for my drug addicted eyes!
Ya'll know our kind only come out at night!

Ricky was so angry with me that I was going to miss our birthday celebration on March 11. He lectured me like he was my father or older brother.

It surprised the hell out of me. That's when I knew he really cared.

Your girl Blush, Lufkin, 2007

They Still Love Me!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Excerpts from My Life Make
Good Use of the word Fuck

Dearest Austin,
I missed talking to you last night...I went to bed really early, like at 8 o'clock, because I'm really bothered like I was telling you yesterday, but I'm not sure by what. Most of the time I feel like I could jump out of my skin. And for no real reason even! I can only hope that rehab makes me happier like it did James in the novel. (A Million Little Pieces) 'Cause he didnt seem like he was ever gonna like it. And I don't dislike it I just--it was like that time I got high by myself in our old apartment in Austin, I fully realized the depths of my own junkiedom. In doing so I've given up or something. I was so all about being sober. Now I'm not all about anything. I'm not even all about getting high. I would rather sleep through my life. The fact is, I am never comfortable, and most of the time I want to scream bloody murder. Though I think of Austin and if I were there, working at Chevron or Freebirds, I think I would feel much the same way. Although I know there my course of action would most definately be to get high about it. I am so depressed--I must just miss you so much I don't even know what's going on because I have never missed you before--you were always there. I don't know; it's just everything. I know I will not meet any new, cool, or fun people here. I have already been there and done that like 10 years ago. I know I have nothing to look forward to. Everything is so bleak. I don't feel like I have the strength or the power to make things happen like I used to, and I guess I know where god is but I dont like it. No I fucking hate it. I don't know if I can do it all again. Help me Baby! I don't know what to do.
I Love You,

NEW artwork! untitled as of yet

Sunday, March 04, 2007

And For A Minute There,
I Lost Myself--I Lost Myself

I went to Austin this weekend to say goodbye to the dearest of friends and to clean out my house and move back home. It was a trying weekend, to say the least. All I wanted to do were drugs because it all hurt so much. I had to explain to them all what I'd been up to the past few months, again and again so that everyone understood. I told them I loved them. I told them thank you for giving me the best time of my life. Seeing Ricky crying when I left the house broke my fucking heart. Because then I knew I had hurt the people that loved me--that I never realized. I've never thought of myself as a loveable person, and that was almost too much truth for my poor heart at the time. I, too, bawled--tears streaming--as we left Austin, and I watched the city disappear behind me in the rearview as we turned onto HWY290East. The way back home. But can you ever really go home again? I think not. My room is now a hodge-podge, mish-mash of my glorious high school years, my dim college years, and my happiest times in Austin. It's a roller-coaster of emotion just walking in there, I swear. Although I do think I'll get back to work on the mural I started on my four-panel closet door though. There's not even much left, although it's been what...8 years coming? Sigh. I am trying to be as close to god about this as possible, as this is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Letting go. I went for broke and that's exactly where I've found myself again. I just don't see any other way to live my life. Regardless I find myself in shitty situations because of some immature ideology I learned in Eleventh Grade English class. Fuck prison, I'm scared to death of Rehab. Seeing the faces of my friends when I left them and leaving my life in Austin was/is the hardest thing I've ever done. Really. I moved to Austin with my last paycheck--not much--two suitcases, and a bus ticket. And look what I built. A home for myself and Dinah. I made every dream I ever had lying in my prison bed happen, only to destroy it all as well. I found my freedom there. I regained my love in that town. Love for myself, love for life, and love for the sake of love. Not to mention I fell in love in that town. Everyone wants me to come back but it scares me. I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to be anyone else's disappointment anymore. I don't want to have it all just to lose it again. My mother and my therapist believe otherwise. But I can't help but feel that I want to give up. When we left Austin, Texas, I felt I lost a part of myself. I made myself there. Where is my identity now? It's surely not here in my hometown of Lufkin. Hometown. That's a joke. This town has changed so much, socially AND physically, I barely even know it. So I am scared. I am depressed. I am everything negative in the world. I'm gonna try everything artistic that I know to fight it though. Because that's what I am. I can thank god at this point for only one thing: Thank you for making me a fighter.