Monday, August 28, 2006

Valley of the Dolls

So last night he talked to me. Then we made love. This morning I talked to him. Everything is fine--we are back on the same page. I feel so close to him again. He's having what I can only call bipolar problems. Missed a couple of doses and can't remember why he's alive. He feels like a fuck up because of the drugs and the rehab and the general fucking up. It hurts him like it hurt me. It still hurts me sometimes. I told him the things I had learned the hard way. I told him how lucky we were that all it takes is a pill to make us feel normal because most of the world needs a hell of a lot more than that. I told him of how it took "fucking up" to realize that because I couldn't be married with my degree at 22 since I was already 23 and in jail, doors opened for me that I never knew existed. Suddenly I could be anything and everything else. Just because that's what we've always thought we were meant for does not mean that's the truth. You can't always give into fate; sometimes you have to fight it, sometimes you have to make life happen. Sometimes you have to do that by taking a fucking pill everyday for help. Fuck it, why not? You're a drug addict anyway, make it a game. That's what I do. Yeah, it fucking sucks. But it's better than the alternative.
And you know what the alternative is.

Jam for the Day: Fighter by Christina Aguilera

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Put It Down On Front Street

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Something is up with me and Austin. Or maybe just Austin. It's worrisome and I'm a tad bit melancholy over it. I feel so very far away from him, and it hurts me to see him obviously unhappy, though he vehemently denies it. What I understand, which is very little as he totally avoids discussing it, is that he is afraid that things are perhaps moving too quickly and because his last relationship kinda hit him hard, as far as being able to love again, which I completely understand. It's just hard to see him and know he's got something on his mind that I could perhaps soothe, but he just won't let the cat out of the proverbial bag on this one. So he is being all nonchalant all of a sudden all, I'll see you when I see you type shit. That's okay. I feel positive I will see him/smell him/feel him once again soon.

Hold on loosely; But don't let go
If you hold too tightly, you're gonna lose control...

In other news, Steph and I went to Barton Springs today and had a great time. I don't think you can go to The Springs and not have a great time. Things are going well at my job, although I'm still having trouble paying the bills, which I doubt will ever go away so I'm pretty zen about that. Last night I went to see Joey's brother's band play downtown, and took Meagan with me. Joey, and his brother, and his little sister were all there so Meagan got to meet a part of my past face to face. A pretty big part, I mean I was part of the family for so long. Joey's sister ran up to me and hugged me. She's a married woman now! It was pretty cool seeing all of them again. I was just so happy to be remembered. I worry about that, I don't necessarily know why. But how ironic is it that the first night Austin and I are on the outs and he wants to go hang out with his friends is the very same night my major ex-boyfriend is in town and is where I'm going to be, sans his girlfriend and my boyfriend. What kind of shit is that? Of course I told Austin and asked him if he would be uncomfortable with that and his answer was "I don't give a fuck." I wasn't sure how to take that, except that he really might've given a fuck. So I didn't want to go cause I knew it would look bad if I went by myself so I'm glad Meagan was able to come because I would never want Austin to be jealous, because he has no reason to be. I hope that's not why he's acting this way. I hope it's because he just loves me and doesn't know how to deal with it all just yet. I don't know why that's what it would be, but I can still hope, right?

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Someone Fix Me; And Please Hurry

I had a bad day today. I told Austin on the phone. He picked me up from work with a single long stemmed red rose. It was so sweet and fragrant and I was simply elated. But then we get home. I walk into the house and there are more long stemmed red roses in a vase on the coffee table. There are even more hidden throughout the house. There is one on the bed and Ghirardelli chocolate bars on each pillow. Then I go into the kitchen to just get some water and I find that he's stocked my once (who am I kidding, always) empty refrigerator. And the cabinets too. There's even a bottle of my favorite wine in there. I am truly speechless. All I know to do, as well as all I can physically do, is throw my arms around him and cry for pure joy and gratitude and love. It was the most amazing thing anyone, especially any man, has ever done for me. I'm so overwhelmed, but in the bestest way. I couldn't stop telling him I loved him. And what's worse is that I really really do. I couldnt stop looking at his sometimes green, sometimes brown eyes. I see things when I look into his eyes that scare me because I don't think I'm ready for them. I'm fucking scared. I'm insecure. And I don't deserve this. Any of it. I never did. As beautiful as it is--and it is fucking beautiful--it's all I've ever wanted in a man: someone who cares enough about and truly loves me enough to go above and beyond what it takes to make me not only happy but fucking elated, and of His own accord, because He wanted to. Because he wants to see me happy. And I am totally fucking elated. But then I'm not. I withdraw. Why the fucking guilt?! Fucking always. And I'm totally fucking gone on him, do not get me wrong. It's just this inner guilt that I've carried around inside since I was molested at age 4. This inner guilt that I have no real good fucking clue how to get rid of. And it's ruining my life. My fucking life. But as happy as I was tonight--and am everyday--with Austin and with everything he is and is not, I can't help but feel fucking guilty because I don't think that I deserve him. Any of Him. It's a goddamned awful feeling. I think I upset him tonight. Because I think he could tell something was wrong with me. I know he took it the wrong way. Why wouldn't he? It doesn't even make any goddamned sense! I just don't know what to do. The very last thing I would ever, ever want to do is hurt him. I'm in it for the long haul with him. Don't ask me how I know, I just know it. I just don't think He knows it. And I have no idea how to tell him. I'm so fucking scared. I'm a big pussy when it comes to shit like this now. It's all their fucking fault you know. Fuck those previous pricks--they couldn't ever hold a candle to my Austin. I can't believe I'm allowing my ugly feelings toward them affect the most beautiful feelings I've ever had--for Austin. I just wish I knew how to make him know it like I know it.
And if I'm lucky, one day I'll realize that I do deserve Him (because I do) and I'll never feel like a dissappointment again. Because I want to be everything to Him, and Him to me, but mostly I want Him to know that I'm His.

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Sunday, August 20, 2006

He's Been a Bad Boy in the Best Way

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I can't help but start this out with Oh my god. Ya'll will never believe it. Blush is in love. This sounds crazy and I bet I get some flack for this going so quickly but looking back, this is just how I roll. But I'm in this now, Come What May. Austin. Damn ya'll. I've only let you in on the hearts and flowers thus far so I'm unsure where to start. Been too busy falling in love but here goes.

Austin is a recovering addict. That's sort of how we came together. The day we went to Barton Springs some shit went down and he randomly got ahold of me for some refuge, knowing that I would understand. And did I ever. That day was really magical, and I attribute it not only to that apple blossom fragrance of love in the air, but because Barton Springs fucking rules. It really is magical. Even Meagan mentioned that being a really special day. The next night we spent alone together. We talked about everything. That's how our relationship began. Completely open communication. It fucking rules. Nothing is taboo, we both have pasts, there's no denying the truth, and it's out, and it's the most beautiful relationship I could imagine having these days. These days. That sounds funny.
So it's been three weeks and we finally discussed our feelings. We get along like gangbusters, that ain't no thang. But of course I was terrified. After awhile the stress was getting to me and I started acting like a bitch. I couldn't believe it. Me. But I held it in still. I finally broke down and had an anxiety attack over a couple of different perturbances, but of course I didn't tell him that I might want to be his girlfriend or something similar. I cried to him over my mom and my money and his mom, it was ridiculous. But check this--and don't freak out--he's bipolar as well. This is sounding crazier as I go, I know. He was so wonderful to me, I mean, he understands. Like I understood. We understand each other. His background is extremely similar to mine. White middle class suburban. Just he in a larger, more liberal city. He is very smart. Starting back at Texas State next week to finish his degree in Anthropology actually. So don't get the wrong idea. He might've been in the game back in the day--and he was--but he's a nerd. And as big of a dork as I am. I almost can't believe it. I feel like it's all too good to be true.
I love his glasses.
So finally we're in the bathroom and I'm putting on makeup one night and he tells me he thinks he's falling for me. I tell him the same. Commence the fucking. And it's never been like that. Seriously. As much as I want to go into detail I won't because that's Ours. Hehe. Just trust. Pornorific as it were, I've never felt so close to another person in my life. It was confirmed when he asked me, during, if I felt that way as well. So I know he's down for me too.
We actually used the word Love. Big word.
I know its only been three weeks. I know.
But I really am! Shut up!

I know this because I love his dog, Marley. Supposedly the most ill-behaved dog ever, but fucking cute as shit. And I don't like dogs. Like really at all. But I find myself talking to Marley on Saturday afternoon after brunch at Kerbey Lane inviting him over to my house and telling him that I'm gonna take him to Barton Springs, etc, etc. Whoa. And I didn't even care when he chewed on my shoes and pooped on the floor. It just made me laugh. Dinah was pissed. And I mean pissed. She hates other animals because she has an ego problem because she's little and she fronted on Marley and we had to put her outside. I put Dinah outside for Austin's dog. Holy Shit. I'm totally gone.

Jam for the Day: Ain't No Other Man by Christina Aguilera cause that's my girl

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Morning Glory

It is and I am. Maybe it is because I am. Maybe because I am, it is? Is it? I can only suppose so. I think I've stumbled into one of my many dreams by perfect chance. But for the first time I am feeling something different, something real. Or at least based in reality. I have a hard time denying the dream, lest I debase it and all that we are. It must be because I already know he's most definately not perfect. I will tell you how I know such things in due time. But for now, I'm glowing, and I'm enjoying myself. I don't usually do much glowing before The Today Show comes on and I get to see Matt Lauer, but He woke me up this particular morning in the most glorious way. I only wish you could see the way he looks at me. That's the only way I could even begin to explain. It's the way I've looked at Joey before. It's the way I looked at Gingerfish. It's mostly the way I wanted them to look at me. One hundred-thousand pretty words could never ever begin to account for even one half of a look like that.

I crave the way He looks at me.
I crave the way He talks to me.
I crave the way He touches me.

I crave the way He kisses me.
I just simply crave Him.
Just as He craved me this morning.

Jam for the Day: New by No Doubt

Monday, August 07, 2006

Fata Viam Invenient
(the fates will find a way)

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Blush, Meagan, and Samantha at the party.
And that's a fake tattoo I got out of a vending machine for 50 cents because I'm a dork.

So where to start? Oh I know--

We've been together every day and night for the past week. You'll be hearing quite a bit about Him in the upcoming times we will (eventually) get to spend together again. Ah, how I miss those times with you. I'm just working so much and playing so much that I really miss my time here with ya'll. I'll do what I can to make time. But just for you.

OMG it's fucking football season already. Well, almost. This year has fucking flown by. I live for football season. I mean, I am a native Texan.

Also this past weekend Danielle came down for an impromptu visit to see Rob, and I'm telling you those two make a great couple. Sickeningly sweet. It makes me really happy though. We all went out to a big Sunday lunch as couples and had a generally great time. Parties all weekend, Samantha and Meagan's coming out of high school party, etc, etc. The great part about it is that now Danielle has been integrated into my "scene" so that all my friends are friends with each other now. We are all friends together, and it's awesome. Danielle was quick to point out to me on the phone that just last year I was crying to her because I never thought I'd have friends or a lover again.
Isn't it ironic?
Don'tcha think?
But I digress.

Let's get back to my Austin--
He brushes my hair from my face gently and randomly
He kisses my lips ever so softly
He kisses my face all over, even my eyelids
He then kisses my forehead
He stops to smell my hair before
He looks deeply into my eyes
And then I forget
The world becomes a blur...
He told me Thank You.
I didn't understand why I should be thanked. I was more than happy to give myself to Him. It's a gift I want Him to have. He holds me after we make love. I lie my head on his perfect chest, truly speechless. That's when He talks to Me. He says cryptic things concerning the two of us that I don't understand but instead I feel them. It's a powerful understanding. He told me He only hoped I wouldn't tire of Him too quickly. I whispered that indeed that was my own fear as well. Then I had to open my big mouth. We drank a bottle of Riesling that night and I was feeling pretty nice and tipsy. So I went as far as I dared. I told Him that my Heart wanted to tell Him things that my Head wouldn't let me. He just softly told me not to let one get in the way of the other. I agreed and admitted that that was the scary part for me. He agreed it was scary for Him as well. Then he held me tighter.
I don't remember anything else because I closed my eyes and woke up in the morning when none of that--in fact--nothing else mattered but
this beautiful man
in my bed.

I'm so infatuated.

So maybe I have a fear of relationships now. So what? I don't feel like I need to define something that is coming so naturally--we're having too much fun for that kind of bullshit. So I'm avoiding talking about "us." Other than that guess what?

I'm really fuckin' happy.

Jam for the Day: Live Through This by Hole

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Barton Springs

My first trip to the historic Springs.
Texans have been cooling off here for centuries.

"This is a really spiritual place..." He said as we took in the view.

Everyone in town was there. Saw lots of people we knew.

I am so fucking short I swear.
I love this girl.

The Springs are like a pool, but natural. Rock and moss floor.
A constant 68° year-round and the deepest azure blue.
The diving board was the shit. I've never felt so refreshed.

Meagan and Austin.
My bosom buddies and inadvertant tour-guides.

Jam for the Day: Lovebuzz by Nirvana

I Was Half Asleep When I Wrote The Last Post

You should re-read it now. Really. I'm serious.
Come on. Do it.
Nobody's perfect.
Though it's not that I'm not half asleep now. But it's better.
I Promise.