Tuesday, July 14, 2009


So we finally had the talk. Alot of shit had gone down the past couple weekends. Random infidelity, drunken fights, broken cigarettes; broken hearts. We had to mend ourselves in some way, as the trauma left both of us in a seemingly pitiful state. So we talked. And we talked. We hung out. Then we talked some more. We spoke at our leisure; as things came up. Five hours later, when it was all said and all done, the miscommunication and misconceptions we had for one another were sucked out the window like smoke, it was great. He says he wants to be close friends, that apparently, he couldn't handle the seriousness of the relationship and that it's nothing to do with me. That he doesn't understand himself because he thought this was what he wanted. He seems rather depressed about it.
I was skeptical at first. Obviously. I had a hard time believing that there wasn't something wrong with ME. After talking, I am positive that is not the case. After giving the situation way too much thought and way too much consideration, I decided that I hadn't come this far to lose one of my closest friends, because that's what hurt me the most. The Break. The thought that I'd opened myself up to another--to the tiniest detail--and been rejected. The bond gone; the wound open and bled out. Another void in my life. Yet through this void ripped something perhaps more lovely; petal-pink blossoms grown amidst the thorns.
We may have both tried to rip the relationship apart and we did: but what happened in turn was that we ripped it into a new kind of ship--friendship.

Flawed, but masterfully crafted.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

The Break-Up

Dear Jason,

I came here tonight because I thought you wanted to talk to me. I am truly happy that you're out and having fun, you needed to have some fun without me bugging you. Ashlyn told me you are very drunk, partying on an island in Lake Sam Rayburn with Chad. I'm glad you got to be with your brother, I know he's your best friend. I wouldn't want to talk to you drunk anyway.

You are right, we both need to be away from each other. Crystal said you wanted to be friends, which by all indications, you do. I came here to tell you that I want to be friends too. I just need some things explained to my heart before that can happen.

It's gonna take some time to not want you anymore but I realize I made my own mistakes. I came here tonight to talk to you about those mistakes and say some things you probably couldn't have predicted. Hopefully one day we will be able to do so. I am off tomorrow.

It just hurts right now because I feel outlawed in this society because they all love you and I'm relatively new and expendable. I guess.

I wish you would have been here, because I was really ready to do this, and now it seems as if your concern was all fake. Please don't let me go on believing that it was ALL fake for too much longer. That's what makes me wanna be mean to you--and I don't wanna be mean to you!

Of course it hurts that it's over. But apparently it wasn't meant to be. If it was lust, whatever it was, I understand that. It's a break-up, I just need a little time to get over you. But please give me this one last thing so that I can move past the pain and hopefully into a cool friendship with a guy that I still think is one of the best guys I know.

Sincerely, and with regular Love,


Thursday, July 02, 2009

Please Don't Confuse a Bipolar Person

Another argument.
He says he needs space. Then he says he wants me. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. No matter what I do it doesn't make him happy. I get the feeling that he is done/tired of me. I've been crying at nights fo
r almost 3 days now. Just as soon as I really fall in love with him, he doesn't want me anymore. But then he invites me to the 4th at his family's house. Now I'm really confused because he says he wants space, then invites me to see his family. So yeah, I've been acting kinda crazy because it seems like I'm getting mixed signals.

But I do love him, and I don't wanna break up. I hope it doesn't come to that.
One extreme to another...What's a girl to do??

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

The Good Die Young

Early this year the world lost a wonderful young man and one of my own childhood playmates, Zac Cook. I still cry real tears when I think of him--gone. Today was one of those days. Our families are not related, but the Cooks are my family. Always have been. He was like a brother...it's not fair!

I'll never forget punching both Zac and his older brother David for putting salt on my watermelon when I was six.

Of all the memories, that's the one thats always gets me.

It's not often a death hits me this hard. But the hardest part was hugging Uncle David, Aunt Becky, and Little David at the house after the funeral. I had to leave early. It simply hurt too much.

You may have heard about this on the national news. A BlackHawk helicopter doing drills fell out of the sky and on top of Zac. On Texas A&M Campus. My dad kept the traditional Aggie "Riderless Horse" in our family's stable. They shot the Aggie Cannon 3 times. The Army was there, as he was just enlisted and waiting on an assignment, and gave the family a full military funeral, guns and all. Traffic on the highway came to a stop when the cannons blew. The funeral was the best I've ever been to. My dad made us sit on the back row in case he cried. I had to take xanax to make it though it. But it was beautiful, just like Zac's life.

If you could, if you would, for me, just take a quick look at the links below, and understand why the world lost so much when we lost Zac. For me...

http://dmc-news.tamu.edu/templates/?a=7176&z=15 Aggie Reaction