Who Will?

Sometimes the thoughts floating in my head turn on me.

Well, most of the time. I understand who, what, when, and where, but not why.

I don't understand why they turn on the situations they turn on.

Thats a lie, yes I do.

I am jealous, envious, so so envious.

I want what they have so badly I can taste it. So, so badly.

I want a man that loves me, one that will take care of me and help me make supper.

I want a house with all my beloved things and photos and loved ones.

I want enough money to pay the bills for those things, and to afford organic foods.

I want a marriage filled with fun and with laughter and love...

I want a love to end them all.

Now I want these things, but I am dubious as to how they could ever come to fruition due to my chronic illness.

I am Bipolar, and although it doesn't make me feel any less, I know people do think of me as so.

Because of my illness, my past isn't a very pretty picture.

Because of my illness, my present isn't a very pretty picture.

Because of my illness, I do not know what the future holds.

It hurts when I see the normal people.

The normal people who live their lives normally.

Their lives make so much sense, they get married and have kids, and they don't bounce checks.

They don't have to take medication morning, noon, and night, nor do they have to be hospitalized for stability at times.

They are already STABLE.

Stability: the one thing I long for;

I hold on to it so tight that sometimes it gets destroyed and I find myself...

Completely out of control.

Two of my friends just got engaged, just now... IT KEEPS HAPPENING.

I am happy for them, really I am, but...

Will it ever be my turn??

Would it??

Could it???

I fear not.

Who will want my past?

Who will want my present?

Who will want my uncertain future??

Hope for the Best, Plan for the Worst, and Maybe End up Somewhere in the Middle...

Hey peeps, my laptop has been broken, therefore posts have been scarce and will be till I get a new hard drive.

Everything is going well with me...haha.
I got laid off,
but I'm getting unemployment.
I live with my parents,
and Jason lives here too now.
I get my heath care from the government,
so my medication is down to $30 from $600.
Jason and I are happier than ever,
except he works 7pm-7am graveyard shifts so I barely see him.
He told me he wants to start a family with me,
but he has to be financially stable first.
From here it seems like merely a dream,
Unfortunately, I'm running low on dreams lately.

I painted my nails in black glitter today.

I thought about college,
then I thought about art.
I thought about love,
then I thought about money.
I thought about hate,
then I thought about nonsense.
I thought about you,
then I thought about me.
I thought about the world,
And how it goes round.
I thought about the Indians,
Dead in their mounds.
I thought about it all,
There's so much to see.
If it so happens that I fall,
Watch me fall on my feet.

Can You Meet Me Halfway?

What's with the fighting lately?

This time it was with Jason.

It breaks my heart every time...

I'm too needy,

He's too remote.

Truth is after every fight I feel we are closer than ever.

I don't know if we'll be taking that next step any time soon though.

Relationships can be hard work. But should they be?

When it's bad it's so bad...

But when it's good,

It's SO GOOD.

Can you meet me halfway? Right at the borderline?

That's where I'm gonna wait...for you.

I'll be lookin' out...night and day...

Took my heart to the limit, and this is where I'll stay.

Sweet And Sour

I am trying to work out a lease agreement with my Ex over the truck that we once shared. After saying one thing for months then changing his mind when I did not want him back, he changed his mind and is threatening to take my vehicle and means to work right out from underneath me. I've put thousands of dollars into this truck at this point. The truth is that if he cared so much about that truck he wouldn't have started doing drugs again immediately after he signed the loan. Now he's tripping over paperwork. And then the name calling began. Regardless of the details of the fight, the phrases child molester(?) and crack whore should never come up during a conversation about a lease agreement.

Yeah.

He called me a child molester and a crack whore.

It was fucked.

On so many levels.

Destruction.

That's all I could think about. I was ready to join a metal band.

I wanted to physically hurt him. Destroy him.
It took a whole xanax to calm me down.

Vengeance.

Destruction.

Apparently I did not have the right words for this situation yesterday because pretty much everyone but my own mother thought I overreacted. Jason was wonderful. However childish he thought it was, he still called Austin and told him to shut up and leave me alone.

That meant a lot to me.

So anyway, I've decided to let Kelly Clarkson speak on my behalf:

Sour First...

So what’s your evil attitude
When you got me spending my time pleasing you
Why must you keep me underground
Tell me tell me, why you wanna bring me down?
Is it too much to give a damn
When I GAVE you one hundred and ten
Don’t blink cause I won’t be around
Tell me tell me, why you wanna bring me down?

...Then Sweet.

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you
Now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

However...

...I can't help but wish He loved Me like I love Him.
Without Condition. I just don't know any other way to love!

Please Don't Confuse a Bipolar Person

Another argument.

Sigh.
He says he needs space. Then he says he wants me. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. No matter what I do it doesn't make him happy. I get the feeling that he is done/tired of me. I've been crying at nights for almost 3 days now. Just as soon as I really fall in love with him, he doesn't want me anymore. But then he invites me to the 4th at his family's house. Now I'm really confused because he says he wants space, then invites me to see his family. So yeah, I've been acting kinda crazy because it seems like I'm getting mixed signals.

But I do love him, and I don't wanna break up. I hope it doesn't come to that.

One extreme to another...What's a girl to do??

Hanging On in Quiet Desperation

Man oh man I hate this. I cannot describe to you the emotional distress I'm experiencing. I haven't wanted to talk about it because it's embarrassing and They make me talk about it. I hate Them. It's not Their fault, but I hate Them nonetheless. I also haven't wanted to talk about it because I've been made knowledgable to the fact that being a drug addict isn't so bad of a problem and I should quit whining until we find a cure for cancer and acheive world peace. So I shut the fuck up. I know there are more people with more problems than me and of course it makes me feel bad that I have a home and a warm bed and food to eat and I still don't want to wake up in the morning.

Apparently I am a drug addict of the highest caliber. I took a "test" today at outpatient rehab and they wanted to send me back to intensive, live-in rehab. Dammit I swear every time I tell the truth someone wants to institutionalize me. WHY? Aren't I good enough? No. Never will be.

I hate this place it is no longer my home.

I feel like there is nothing to look forward to. The people in Recovery say that feeling will go away. Bullshit. It's not going away yet. My spirit is dying. I have a very hard time relating to these people because for most of them being Sober is the only thing anyone has ever expected or hoped that they acheive. Not so for me. Being Sober is the least I could do for "them," comparatively. My cousin is competing to become Miss fucking Texas for god's sake. I mean what do you say at Thanksgiving?

"So what have you been doing???"

"Well, Rehab was a blast."

"Oh."

Yeah. Sucks. This is where I am. I just don't see it getting any better.

I feel so beat down. Having to tell these people the most embarrassing, horrible, shameful events of my life--having to rehash everything I've tried to distance myself from. I don't trust Them, any of Them. The wound is deep this time.

It's a selfish program.

When I hear myself telling Them this drug, that drug; this many years, that many years, I hear my own voice screaming back at me YOU'RE A FAILURE, YOU STUPID ASSHOLE.

I don't want to do it anymore. All I've ever wanted is to be normal. This is nowhere near normal.

It's more the ritual than the drug, anyway. That's where the real addiction lies.

Plus, everyone I know in Recovery is fat. I don't wanna be fat.

I've never been successful at anything I've done, except MAYBE drug addiction. I feel so shitty about myself I sometimes think maybe I should just do what I'm good at.

Probably not.

But god it hurts so much. I am having major physical reactions to these emotions. I haven't felt this bad in years. My chest hurts, I cant breathe, I get nauseous or just plain sick to my stomach. I am ill. I can literally feel my heart breaking sometimes.

I am mourning Myself.

In prison I learned this technique of turning off my emotions. I try to do it now and feel like I'm going to rip the next person that speaks out of turn to me into confetti. Rip them apart until they feel as bad as I do. Destroy them until they beg god to help them every night like I do.

You know what I think? I think They fucked me up. They make you tell everyone "I'm Blush and I'm an Addict" every time you speak. Well if I'm an Addict then what the fuck am I doing here? Why aren't I high? You know this would be much easier to deal with if I were. But you won't let me though you do make me believe I am something bad, ugly--evil. So I'm a drug addict. A worthless drug addict. If that is what I am, why am I here? Why do you want me to be part of society? Why do you want me to be alive? Why should I try?

These are the questions I need answered.