Who Will?

Sometimes the thoughts floating in my head turn on me.

Well, most of the time. I understand who, what, when, and where, but not why.

I don't understand why they turn on the situations they turn on.

Thats a lie, yes I do.

I am jealous, envious, so so envious.

I want what they have so badly I can taste it. So, so badly.

I want a man that loves me, one that will take care of me and help me make supper.

I want a house with all my beloved things and photos and loved ones.

I want enough money to pay the bills for those things, and to afford organic foods.

I want a marriage filled with fun and with laughter and love...

I want a love to end them all.

Now I want these things, but I am dubious as to how they could ever come to fruition due to my chronic illness.

I am Bipolar, and although it doesn't make me feel any less, I know people do think of me as so.

Because of my illness, my past isn't a very pretty picture.

Because of my illness, my present isn't a very pretty picture.

Because of my illness, I do not know what the future holds.

It hurts when I see the normal people.

The normal people who live their lives normally.

Their lives make so much sense, they get married and have kids, and they don't bounce checks.

They don't have to take medication morning, noon, and night, nor do they have to be hospitalized for stability at times.

They are already STABLE.

Stability: the one thing I long for;

I hold on to it so tight that sometimes it gets destroyed and I find myself...

Completely out of control.

Two of my friends just got engaged, just now... IT KEEPS HAPPENING.

I am happy for them, really I am, but...

Will it ever be my turn??

Would it??

Could it???

I fear not.

Who will want my past?

Who will want my present?

Who will want my uncertain future??

Hope for the Best, Plan for the Worst, and Maybe End up Somewhere in the Middle...

Hey peeps, my laptop has been broken, therefore posts have been scarce and will be till I get a new hard drive.

Everything is going well with me...haha.
I got laid off,
but I'm getting unemployment.
I live with my parents,
and Jason lives here too now.
I get my heath care from the government,
so my medication is down to $30 from $600.
Jason and I are happier than ever,
except he works 7pm-7am graveyard shifts so I barely see him.
He told me he wants to start a family with me,
but he has to be financially stable first.
From here it seems like merely a dream,
Unfortunately, I'm running low on dreams lately.

I painted my nails in black glitter today.

I thought about college,
then I thought about art.
I thought about love,
then I thought about money.
I thought about hate,
then I thought about nonsense.
I thought about you,
then I thought about me.
I thought about the world,
And how it goes round.
I thought about the Indians,
Dead in their mounds.
I thought about it all,
There's so much to see.
If it so happens that I fall,
Watch me fall on my feet.

Sweet And Sour

I am trying to work out a lease agreement with my Ex over the truck that we once shared. After saying one thing for months then changing his mind when I did not want him back, he changed his mind and is threatening to take my vehicle and means to work right out from underneath me. I've put thousands of dollars into this truck at this point. The truth is that if he cared so much about that truck he wouldn't have started doing drugs again immediately after he signed the loan. Now he's tripping over paperwork. And then the name calling began. Regardless of the details of the fight, the phrases child molester(?) and crack whore should never come up during a conversation about a lease agreement.

Yeah.

He called me a child molester and a crack whore.

It was fucked.

On so many levels.

Destruction.

That's all I could think about. I was ready to join a metal band.

I wanted to physically hurt him. Destroy him.
It took a whole xanax to calm me down.

Vengeance.

Destruction.

Apparently I did not have the right words for this situation yesterday because pretty much everyone but my own mother thought I overreacted. Jason was wonderful. However childish he thought it was, he still called Austin and told him to shut up and leave me alone.

That meant a lot to me.

So anyway, I've decided to let Kelly Clarkson speak on my behalf:

Sour First...

So what’s your evil attitude
When you got me spending my time pleasing you
Why must you keep me underground
Tell me tell me, why you wanna bring me down?
Is it too much to give a damn
When I GAVE you one hundred and ten
Don’t blink cause I won’t be around
Tell me tell me, why you wanna bring me down?

...Then Sweet.

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you
Now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Anger Directed Only At Myself

Forgive

Sounds good

Forget

I’m not sure I could

They say time heals everything

But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt

There’s nothing left for me to figure out

I paid a price

And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice

I’m not ready to back down

I’m still mad as hell and I don’t have time to go round and round and round

It’s too late to make it right

I probably wouldn’t if I could

‘Cause I’m mad as hell

Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said

Can’t you just get over it

It turned my whole world around

And I kind of like it

I’m not ready to make nice

I’m not ready to back down

I’m still mad as hell and I don’t have time to go round and round and round

It’s too late to make it right

I probably wouldn’t if I could

‘Cause I’m mad as hell

Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should