Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Who Will?

Sometimes the thoughts floating in my head turn on me.
Well, most of the time. I understand who, what, when, and where, but not why.
I don't understand why they turn on the situations they turn on.
Thats a lie, yes I do.
I am jealous, envious, so so envious.
I want what they have so badly I can taste it. So, so badly.

I want a man that loves me, one that will take care of me and help me make supper.
I want a house with all my beloved things and photos and loved ones.
I want enough money to pay the bills for those things, and to afford organic foods.
I want a marriage filled with fun and with laughter and love...
I want a love to end them all.

Now I want these things, but I am dubious as to how they could ever come to fruition due to my chronic illness.
I am Bipolar, and although it doesn't make me feel any less, I know people do think of me as so.

Because of my illness, my past isn't a very pretty picture.
Because of my illness, my present isn't a very pretty picture.
Because of my illness, I do not know what the future holds.

It hurts when I see the normal people.
The normal people who live their lives normally.
Their lives make so much sense, they get married and have kids, and they don't bounce checks.
They don't have to take medication morning, noon, and night, nor do they have to be hospitalized for stability at times.
They are already STABLE.
Stability: the one thing I long for;
I hold on to it so tight that sometimes it gets destroyed and I find myself...

Completely out of control.

Two of my friends just got engaged, just now... IT KEEPS HAPPENING.
I am happy for them, really I am, but...
Will it ever be my turn??
Would it??
Could it???

I fear not.

Who will want my past?
Who will want my present?
Who will want my uncertain future??

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