Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Tell Me Something I Don't Know

I couldn't help but laugh at this...

Your IQ Is 125

Your Logical Intelligence is Below Average

Your Verbal Intelligence is Genius

Your Mathematical Intelligence is Exceptional

Your General Knowledge is Genius

Sunday, December 25, 2005

A Christmas Carol

Mom got drunk and Dad got drunk
At our Christmas party
We were drinkin' champagne punch
And homemade eggnog
Little sister brought her new boyfriend
He was a Mexican
We didn't know what to think of him
Till he sang Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad

Brother Ken brought his kids with him
The three from his first wife Lynn
And the two identical twins
From his second wife Mary Nell
Of course he brought his new wife Kaye
Who talks all about AA
Chain smokin' while the stereo plays
Noel, Noel
The first Noel

Carve the turkey turn the ball game on
Mix Margaritas when the eggnog's gone
Send somebody to the Quik-Pak store
We need some ice and an extension cord
A can of bean dip and some Diet Rite
A box of tampons, some Marlboro Lights
Hallelujah everybody say cheese
Merry Christmas from the family

Fran and Rita drove from Harlingen
I can't remember how I'm kin to them
But when they tried to plug their motor home in
They blew our Christmas lights
Cousin David knew just what went wrong
So we all waited out on our front lawn
He threw the breaker and the lights came on
And we sang Silent Night
Oh Silent Night
Oh Holy Night

Carve the turkey turn the ballgame on
Mix Bloody Marys
Cause we all want one!
Send somebody to the Stop 'n Go
We need some celery and a can of fake snow
A bag of lemons and some Diet Sprite
A box of tampons, some Salem Lights
Hallelujah everybody say cheese
Merry Christmas from the family

Feliz Navidad!

Festivus for the Rest of Us

This has been probably the best Christmas since Santa stopped showing up. I am thoroughly contented. Even though I told my mom not to buy me any gifts because I really need cash instead, she went ahead and did it anyway, and I was so surprised. A terrycloth robe, among other things. Even my ex-co-workers sent me a card they made themselves especially for me (featured above.) Jeffy photoshopped me a Conor Oberst Christmas card. I have never laughed so hard or been so appreciative of a Christmas present. I love those guys. I hope they like their coupons for free burritos! Holla!

So yesterday I flew into Houston to meet my father. I was very excited because I love to fly, and I haven't in years. This is also kind of a big deal to me because I will never forget being in prison and watching the planes pass overhead and just yearning for that kind of freedom. It's funny the things that you miss once you've had your freedom taken away. So I vowed that I would get myself on a plane to somewhere as soon as possible, and even though it was only Houston, I was much pleased. But going up this time was so different than it was before. Before it didn't mean anything. It was a means to an end. Now when I see the curvature of the earth meet the blue haze of ozone, observe the golden sunlight reflecting off of a lake, or watch a cumulostratus empty itself onto the earth, it's so real. It's amazing. All of it.

So today was our traditional "country" Christmas (we had our "city" Christmas yesterday) and it was just as I remember it. Football, Ambrosia, and Skeet Shootin' in the backyard. It was perfect. The only thing that had changed was me. I always had something to hide before; not anymore. It makes me so happy. So free.

But perhaps the best gift I got, perhaps the best gift I've ever been given, is a simple silver band bracelet my mother totally surprised me with. It has a quote from Emerson inscribed on it: What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. I will wear this everyday without fail.

I cried as the church choir lifted their voices to Oh Holy Night. "Fall on your knees" gets me everytime.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

A Christmas Miracle

Holy shit it actually does happen. A Christmas Miracle. I was cruising through the blogosphere just now and I came across Kevin Smith's personal blog on Beth's page. I can't believe it, it is actually THE Kevin Smith, one of my all-time favorites. I start to read. After a few posts he's talking about wrapping and cutting and all that shit. I am like, whoa, he's got a new movie coming out?! How could I not have known this? I read further. This is not just any movie. This is Clerks 2: The Passion of the Clerks. Can you believe it?? Clerks fucking TWO. With all the original peeps and Rosario Dawson thrown into the mix, but now they work at Mooby's. Jason Lee is there, and even my man Affleck (a.k.a. Holden McNeil) makes an appearance. I am so excited. This is the best thing I've heard about in years, well, since Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back came out. Fuckin aye.

Check out Silent Bob Speaks. The link's to the right.

My love for you is like a truck
Would you like some making fuck?

Jam for the Day: New Slang by The Shins

Friday, December 23, 2005

I'm Weak but not Giving In

So I decided to go for it and I put my new pic up on Hot or Not. So far 341 peeps have rated me and I average out at 7.5. Apparently I am hotter than 72% of women on the site. Which is nothing to be ashamed of, I guess. Some sorry motherfuckers rated me at 1. That's some cold shit right there. Oh well. It is Christmas Eve Eve, so I suppose I'll forgive them, because some other gorgeous souls rated me at 10. (Thank You.) This will be the first Christmas I have celebrated with my family in two years. Last year I was in jail, and the year before that I was just too high to make it. I guess we will see how much has changed. And I just found out my Dad will be picking me up at the airport and is actually going to Christmas with my Mom's family. This hasn't happened in years. It's not so much that they don't get along, but more that my dad is kinda grinchish about Christmas. ...So I am super stressed out, but not because of any of that. I am nervous about the future. I can't even allow myself to think about it all because I start to feel the anxiety rise in my chest, and I can't afford myself panic attacks and shit like that anymore. It is so hard to be an adult sometimes. My Christmas presents for my parents pretty much suck, but I really hope they like them. I put a lot of thought into them. The weather is beautiful here, but not like Christmastime at all. I guess it's hard for me to get in the spirit, sitting here by myself all week long. I need to be around people. I derive my energy from them. Like a sponge. And right now I am parched. What I really need is someone to hold me and make me believe that everything will be okay so I can regain my strength.

A new goal in my life is to score a recurring role on my favorite soap opera Passions. That and I want to be the Air Guitar Champion of the World.

Is it wrong that I like Kelly Clarkson as much as I do?? Since You Been Gone is the fucking jam I swear.

Jam of the Day: Blue Christmas by Bright Eyes

Thursday, December 22, 2005


Sometimes things just don't work out. Sometimes you look like a movie star. Sometimes you get drunk alone. Sometimes you get off to Skinemax then smoke a cigarette and pass out. Sometimes you're empty. Sometimes you wish you were dead. Sometimes you wish you were alive.

She's My Cherry Pie

So the big news today is that I've got a whole new look. Check me out. This is the best Christmas present I ever got myself. That chick did a fucking awesome job on my hair. I can't wait to surprise my mom with it when I get off the plane on Saturday. I haven't had bangs since I was a little girl...ladies, you know how big of a deal this is. I am so happy. I feel gorgeous.

Click all the way to the new pic for full effect. Comments welcome.

Jam of the Day: Such Great Heights by The Postal Service

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

White Merlot

The wine used to make her feel better. It kept her giddy until morning. Then it all changed. Now she clenches her teeth. When it's bad, her neck tenses up and her shoulders hunch like some kind of turtle. Then she'll have to lay down. Tears pour out of her tightly shut eyes. The knot in her stomach expands and rises until the first sob bursts from her lips. Then she can't stop. She clutches her knees in hopes that she can somehow stop, like bending a hose, but she just can't seem to stop it. Her stomach hurts. She can't breathe. She doesn't know why she does this to herself. It's not the wine. It's her. Sometimes it just feels good to cry. You know?

You've Got To Make It Bloom

So for Christmas I am treating myself to a $40 haircut. This would have been par for the course back in the day, but now this is a huge luxury for me. As a woman, I care much more for my hair than I should, so I consider it an investment of sorts. There are just some things you can't expect a girl to give up.

Lately I have been thinking about myself and how I am different since I have visited prison and how I am the same. It's weird because I feel very much the same, but I notice different things about myself now and then. I am much more wary of everyone. I see and appreciate nature and architecture like I never really did before. I spend lots of time worrying about making good decisions. I get angry rather than sad. I deal with difficult situations more calmly. I smile for no reason. I assert myself so easily now. I very rarely cry over my own shit. I am much more guarded and protective of my heart. I have a best friend I've barely talked to in years. What if she doesn't like me the way I am now? Or vice versa?? I don't necessarily fear vice versa, but it scares the hell out of me. So much so that I shy away from confronting it...

Ya'll will never guess what happened yesterday. I went to the bathroom, and flushed the toilet, and reached up into the cabinet above and accidentally knocked a bottle of my perfume into the flushing toilet and can you believe that it sucked that glass bottle right down?? I was like, in shock. So I reached up into the toilet in desperation but I couldn't reach far enough to even feel the bottle. And my hands and wrists are very small! This is a relatively heavy glass bottle. I don't see how it could turn the corner in the pipe. I am still a little freaked out. I don't even know what to think. They are coming to fix it. What a pain in my ass.

Come on be on fire
Come on be a liar
My dress is the prettiest
Cover me in burns
Everyone take a turn
I'm already humiliated
My, oh my baby you do reflect the sun
And my, oh my baby you were almost golden

If The Beatles had put out a techno record, it would be Give Up by The Postal Service.

Jam of the Day: Under Control by The Strokes

Monday, December 19, 2005

Love Me Do

The other night I went to Whole Foods Market downtown to buy my father a Christmas present. Whole Foods is this Austin-based hippie grocery store that has actually been really successful. They sell all organic and all-natural foods. I knew right away I hated this place. There were no brand names. Everything looked generic. I prefer my food be wrapped in pretty colored paper, but that's just me. Anyway, I got what I was looking for and was browsing around in the hygiene section and I came across something I couldn't believe, and I don't come across things I can't believe very often. They actually sold 100% organic cotton reusable feminine pads. Reuseable! Like you use it, then you wash it, then you use it again. So I picked up the box and it read one use. This box was far too large for what was supposed to be in it. I could fit like 10 of mine into the box that held one glorified ...rag. I don't see how any woman in her right mind would ever use a product like this. Haven't we come far enough to splurge on ourselves? Just a little??

Why is it that every time I watch Oprah I must cry?? It's like my face leaks every weekday between 4-5 pm. Sheesh.

I'm becoming less defined as days go by
Fading away
And well you might say
I'm losing focus
Kinda drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself
Sometimes I think I can see right through myself...
Yes I am alone but then again I always was
As far back as I can tell
I think maybe it's because
Because you were never really real
To begin with
I just made you up to hurt myself

I need a man to make me feel like a woman.

Jam of the Day: Only You by Nine Inch Nails

Thursday, December 15, 2005

The Interest Kills

Last night I went to my friend Ricky's show with his band The Interest Kills. They were really good, I was impressed. They sound a little like The Strokes. It was interesting because everyone there was a "hipster." So I was down with the scene last night. I have never been part of a scene before...

So I am flying into Houston on Christmas Eve. Gotta love holiday travel. Then I will be flying into Dallas to spend New Year's Eve with Danielle. I need that vacation. I wonder if I will have anyone to kiss at midnight. Maybe I will wear a dress...

After that everything gets hard. My mom is helping me out to get an apartment of my own and car finally but I have to find a new or second job and maintain all of that. I am not looking forward to joining the rat race. It will take some crafty budgeting and maneuvering, and I guess I can curb my enthusiasm for the finer things in life for the time being. But I will be stressed out!

Before I went to jail, life was in two-dimensions. It had a clear beginning and a clear ending. But now when I walk down the street, the world is three-dimensional. I see everything in technicolor, but I am no longer watching Blush "TV." I think I can really feel for the very first time. Everything else just seems like details.

I love blogging as a hobby because it takes about five minutes and involves mostly thinking. Ha! I am so lazy.

When someone reveals themself to you, believe them. - Maya Angelou

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

A Different Shade of Soul

Kinky Friedman is a Jewish writer/musician/cowboy from Texas running for the office of governor. He reached a mild level of national fame when he performed with his band, The Texas Jewboys, on Saturday Night Live in the 1970's. Since then he has written over 20 novels. Now he's calling for the "dewussification" of Texas. I looked into his platform and it sounds good to me. I like his ideas about how to improve education down here, which everyone knows we so desperately need. And for some reason right now I feel better about voting for an independent candidate than a political party. Then last night I saw the first round of political ads put out by the "Kinky: Why The Hell Not?" campaign. This guy kicks ass. Those are by far the best political ads ever. I am totally voting for him next year. I might even work on his campaign. Why the hell not?

Please check out the link!

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I'm Your Venus

Damn! I haven't been able to get online in days and it's nearly killed me. So I went out with S and I decided I fucking hate him. Yeah. He listens to Nickelback. Yeah. But he did take me to this cool place called Pete's Dueling Piano Bar. There are two pianos in the middle of the bar and they play cover tunes and poke fun at people in the audience. It is basically a drunk sing-a-long, but who doesn't love drunk sing-a-longs?? I know I do. And you haven't lived until you've heard Sweet Child of Mine played on two pianos. It was awesome. Especially since that was the fucking Jam of the Day. When they made fun of the people in the crowd, they would be really raunchy, and at the end everyone would yell "BITCH! SLUT! WHORE!" at the person in unison. Just that was worth the date itself.

You always know when a guy doesn't really care about you because he'll try everything too hard and too fast. Ugh. If you're gonna fuck n run, do it like you mean it...

At least I got my jacket back.

What do you think about my new style?? I am starting to get used to it. The old picture was taken when I was 17. This new one isn't as dramatic, but at least I'm finally keepin' it real.

Where is he?
Only a breath away.

I think there are about a million reasons for a girl to fake it.

Jam for the Day: Drain You by Nirvana

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Can ya dig it

Here's a glimpse of my last few days...

Hello, do you know what you'd like?
Would you like rice, beans, and cheese on that?
Someone will be right with you guys...
Monterrey Jack or Cheddar Mixed cheese?

Black, Refried, or Pinto beans?
Would you like chicken or steak or veggie?
Would you like any roasted vegetables?
Everything down here is free, sour cream and guacamole are each a little extra.
Would you like any Hot, Mild, or Barbeque sauce? We also have Habanero, lime juice, and Death sauce.
Does that look good?
Is this for here or to go?

Thanks so much. Have a great day!

I have been working my ass off lately. I hope my paycheck reflects it. Yesterday was the first day that my co-workers ever really got on my nerves. There is this one girl, Lily, that is always correcting me and telling me what to do. This girl is not my boss. She's not ranked any higher than me. My managers never correct me, because I bust ass. This girl is so uptight, and she is only 17. To be fair though, she supports her family, and she is just the cutest little Mexican girl you ever saw. I do not hate her, but I do hate her criticism. I recently found out that most everyone else shares this sentiment. So today she corrected me in front of a customer and I was just like, that's it. No more. I really hate confrontation, but what kind of a pussy would I have been not to say something...so I took her aside and told her to please not do that anymore, I would really appreciate it. She tried to protest but I held my ground, because I really was fucking pissed. I mean, shit like that makes us all look bad. Anyway, I was reassured that I played my cards right because Meagan had heard and came by right after and congratulated me for "putting Lily in her place." Hell yeah.

So tonight I am going out with S again, mainly because I left my pink suede jacket in his car. I am very tired and really don't want to go. But that's okay, I will let him buy my drinks tonight. Heheh. I need to unwind. Why is it I always like the guys who never call?

Jam for the Day: Sweet Child of Mine by Guns n Roses

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Some People Learn The Hard Way

There once was a young girl named Blush. She was very rebellious and quite spoiled and this set her up to make big mistakes in life. As she got older and life got harder, she decided to break with reality. Blush became a drug addict.

My drug of choice was speed: methamphetamines. I started using meth in high school in the form of Ritalin, which I did not know was meth at the time. Ritalin was the first drug I ever tried, and I loved it. By the time I was a senior I was using every day. It helped me get through school and extracurriculars and still have the energy to party. Which I did a lot of. After a couple of years in college, I started using street meth. I will tell you first hand it is a dirty, dirty, really awesome feeling. (In my defense.) Anyway, I got into some trouble and quit, but not for long. Then I met this guy. He was a full-blown addict. We became junkies for about 4 months. It was really fun and cool at first, very sex, drugs, & rock n roll, but that kind of shit takes a toll on you. Sometime during the 3rd month, he developed full-blown methamphetamine psychosis. This is a scary, scary thing. I kinda knew at that time that's what it was, but being on just as many drugs, I wasn't truly making the connection. Anyway sometimes he would be violent. He would always be accusing me of things that never happened that he dreamed up. He was very cruel. It was ridiculous, but he had me very much under his thumb, even though I was funding everything. Then he almost killed us both when he fell asleep at the wheel in my truck and flipped it, therefore destroying my beloved Lucy. It was an Act Of God that we made it out unscathed. By this time my parents were figuring out what was going on, but nobody wanted to admit it and nobody had the communication skills to deal with it. So they took everything away from me. And then we ran out of money. So he armwrestled me into helping him steal a bunch of shit from the grocery store. Yeah, the grocery store. It's embarrassing. I was afraid of him, but at the same time, I knew that it was just over for me. It had gotten so bad that I had actually quit and been going through withdrawals that week and I was just ...tired. So I went along with it, and of course we got caught. I knew that this time I was going to be there for a while. And I was. I spent 10 months in the Texas Criminal Justice System. I was released on February 1, 2005. The last time I saw that awful man was in the back of a cop car. Until last night.

Did I do the right thing? Was it right to pretend not to know him? Obviously this guy should not be in my life. But I never got to tell him what I think of him. If he would have stayed on that bus I could have. I used to daydream in jail about finding this guy and beating the shit out of him with a baseball bat. But when I saw him last night, other than utter horror at the surprise, I actually didn't feel like killing him. Oh the things I've thought to say to him...but none of that came out. Why? Was that all the closure I needed? I mean really. I only wanted to hurt him like he hurt me. He looked so fucking happy to see me on the bus...and I just denied him. I think that would hurt me the most. And now I actually feel kinda bad about being rude to that asshole. What the fuck is wrong with me?? Why can't I just be ruthless??

Don't think that I am blaming him and not taking responsibility for my own actions. I did the crime and I did my time.

Anyway, that is my big secret. I have been to prison. The Big House. The Inside. Oh, the stories I could tell ya'll...I have seen some shit. Imagine being locked up with 50 of the craziest bitches you've ever met. Think about the craziest bitch you know...just imagine her...now multiply that by 50. Now multiply that by 10 months. Yeah. It was like, hilarity everyday. Sometimes it was hard, but by the end of my stay I was laughing all the time. I was one of the youngest women there and I did not fit in at all. In jail, I was a minority within a minority within a minority. But that was okay. Now that I can look back on it, a good time was had by all. Haha!

When I got out of jail, I had nothing. Since I went to jail weighing in at a whopping 100 lbs., I gained a ton of weight sitting on my ass in there. None of my clothes fit me, all of my furniture was in storage, but most importantly, I didn't have any money and I actually had an overdue cell phone bill to pay. I went to work for my father immediately. I don't mean to sound ungrateful about the situation in Houston, but for descriptive purposes, I can only say living there was like living in Nazi Germany--for me. My father is very protective and has an ...interesting means of applying his will. I think they call it "forcing." I was so lonely there. I was not allowed to have any friends. And I had lost most of them during my debacle. That is when I came here. I needed some connection with the outside world. When we packed up our shit in the evacuation, I decided to just stay packed and move to Austin to start a new life. But you all knew that.

When listened to through headphones, the song Bron-yr-Aur by Led Zeppelin will dance through your head like Stevie Nicks on Angel Dust.

Monday, December 05, 2005

All My Exes Live In Texas

So tonight I went down to The Drag to sell some old clothes to the resale shops. I was waiting for the bus to go home because I was sleepy and in a sour mood. When I go out walking and shit, I wear my mp3 player. It makes walking around kinda surreal and much more fun. Remember this fact. Well here comes the bus. All I want to do is get home. I get on the bus, slide my card, and head for the first open seat, which happened to be at the very back where it kinda spreads out. So I sat down and posted up because it's kind of a long ride. I looked out the window and fixed my bag and looked up and there was this guy coming towards me. Remember, I can't hear anything but Bright Eyes. The rest is like a dream. I looked the man in the face and it was my ex-boyfriend whom I hadn't had contact with in almost two years and the last time I saw him was quite a traumatic experience. This is a man that I vowed never to speak to again. This is a man whose letters I refused. This is a man who raised his hand to me. This is a man who used me and destroyed my life. This is a man whom I last saw in College Station. And out of nowhere I am face to face with him on the fucking bus in Austin. My eyes were wide when they met his, but all I could do was just look down and hide my face. The bus stopped. I guess he got that I didn't want to know him anymore because when I was able to compose myself and deal with the situation, I looked up and he was hopping off the bus. And that was it. Never said a word. Don't know if he said anything because all I could hear was Conor Oberst whining in my ear. It all happened so fast and was so surreal. I don't know what to think. I never thought I'd see him again. I have never just denied someone like that. I truly didn't mean to, but I didn't know he would run away. I am glad he did though.

I don't ever, ever want to see any of my ex-boyfriends, any of them, ever again. And this one wasn't even the worst one. It was pretty bad, but He's still lurking about Central and East Texas. Not cool.

I cannot believe this shit happened tonight.

The crazy thing is, is that it was like, fated or something. Check it out: I fucked up twice trying to ride the bus on the way there. I kinda dozed off on the bus and when I looked up I didn't recognize where I was so I got off the bus but it turns out that I got off way too early. I was so pissed. Then I did it again. All I could do was laugh at myself because I have gone that route many times and got it right every time. I wondered what the hell was wrong with me...but if I hadn't done that shit I wouldn't have been at that place at that time and I wouldn't have seen him. That kinda creeps me out.

So after that S called to take me out but I just wasn't up to it so I declined. He was really cool about it though and said, and I quote: "Don't commit. Just call me when you wanna do something." Awesome.

I have decided to let ya'll in on my "big secret" tomorrow. You will then understand the full impact of what happened to me tonight. That shit made me realize that it cannot be avoided any longer. Prizes to anyone who can guess what it is...

Jam for the Day: It's My Life by No Doubt

Friday, December 02, 2005

Mine Is Forever

Today I wished I had someone to communicate all the beauty I see to. Because my life is beautiful. More and more everyday.

Jam for the Day: Dumb by Nirvana