There once was a young girl named Blush. She was very rebellious and quite spoiled and this set her up to make big mistakes in life. As she got older and life got harder, she decided to break with reality. Blush became a drug addict.
My drug of choice was speed: methamphetamines. I started using meth in high school in the form of Ritalin, which I did not know was meth at the time. Ritalin was the first drug I ever tried, and I loved it. By the time I was a senior I was using every day. It helped me get through school and extracurriculars and still have the energy to party. Which I did a lot of. After a couple of years in college, I started using street meth. I will tell you first hand it is a dirty, dirty, really awesome feeling. (In my defense.) Anyway, I got into some trouble and quit, but not for long. Then I met this guy. He was a full-blown addict. We became junkies for about 4 months. It was really fun and cool at first, very sex, drugs, & rock n roll, but that kind of shit takes a toll on you. Sometime during the 3rd month, he developed full-blown methamphetamine psychosis. This is a scary, scary thing. I kinda knew at that time that's what it was, but being on just as many drugs, I wasn't truly making the connection. Anyway sometimes he would be violent. He would always be accusing me of things that never happened that he dreamed up. He was very cruel. It was ridiculous, but he had me very much under his thumb, even though I was funding everything. Then he almost killed us both when he fell asleep at the wheel in my truck and flipped it, therefore destroying my beloved Lucy. It was an Act Of God that we made it out unscathed. By this time my parents were figuring out what was going on, but nobody wanted to admit it and nobody had the communication skills to deal with it. So they took everything away from me. And then we ran out of money. So he armwrestled me into helping him steal a bunch of shit from the grocery store. Yeah, the grocery store. It's embarrassing. I was afraid of him, but at the same time, I knew that it was just over for me. It had gotten so bad that I had actually quit and been going through withdrawals that week and I was just ...tired. So I went along with it, and of course we got caught. I knew that this time I was going to be there for a while. And I was. I spent 10 months in the Texas Criminal Justice System. I was released on February 1, 2005. The last time I saw that awful man was in the back of a cop car. Until last night.
Did I do the right thing? Was it right to pretend not to know him? Obviously this guy should not be in my life. But I never got to tell him what I think of him. If he would have stayed on that bus I could have. I used to daydream in jail about finding this guy and beating the shit out of him with a baseball bat. But when I saw him last night, other than utter horror at the surprise, I actually didn't feel like killing him. Oh the things I've thought to say to him...but none of that came out. Why? Was that all the closure I needed? I mean really. I only wanted to hurt him like he hurt me. He looked so fucking happy to see me on the bus...and I just denied him. I think that would hurt me the most. And now I actually feel kinda bad about being rude to that asshole. What the fuck is wrong with me?? Why can't I just be ruthless??
Don't think that I am blaming him and not taking responsibility for my own actions. I did the crime and I did my time.
Anyway, that is my big secret. I have been to prison. The Big House. The Inside. Oh, the stories I could tell ya'll...I have seen some shit. Imagine being locked up with 50 of the craziest bitches you've ever met. Think about the craziest bitch you know...just imagine her...now multiply that by 50. Now multiply that by 10 months. Yeah. It was like, hilarity everyday. Sometimes it was hard, but by the end of my stay I was laughing all the time. I was one of the youngest women there and I did not fit in at all. In jail, I was a minority within a minority within a minority. But that was okay. Now that I can look back on it, a good time was had by all. Haha!
When I got out of jail, I had nothing. Since I went to jail weighing in at a whopping 100 lbs., I gained a ton of weight sitting on my ass in there. None of my clothes fit me, all of my furniture was in storage, but most importantly, I didn't have any money and I actually had an overdue cell phone bill to pay. I went to work for my father immediately. I don't mean to sound ungrateful about the situation in Houston, but for descriptive purposes, I can only say living there was like living in Nazi Germany--for me. My father is very protective and has an ...interesting means of applying his will. I think they call it "forcing." I was so lonely there. I was not allowed to have any friends. And I had lost most of them during my debacle. That is when I came here. I needed some connection with the outside world. When we packed up our shit in the evacuation, I decided to just stay packed and move to Austin to start a new life. But you all knew that.
When listened to through headphones, the song Bron-yr-Aur by Led Zeppelin will dance through your head like Stevie Nicks on Angel Dust.
9 comments:
Its what life is about hun...its all just lessons.
You absolutely did the right thing by blanking him, to move forward you have to cut the past out.
Probably if you knew you were going to see him and you had time to prepare, you would have handled things otherwise. Maybe ruthlessly, maybe not. Under the circumstances you did what most of us would do.
Gutsy effort to write about your record, Blush.
Wombat
I am amazed and inspired by your words.
Thank you very much for sharing.
You've been brave to tell us your story, I admire your honesty!
As far as you doing the right thing by ignoring him...? You're wise beyond your years, you had to deal with all that shit the hard way and who knows if anything you'd said would've gotten through to him anyway. If you feel like that was all the closure you needed, then that's all that matters. He can be left wondering. But I know, it sucks to unexpectedly stir up all those bad memories, so he better stay off your turf!
Addiction doesn't shock or impress me. A Texas prison does, though. Just be thankful -- if you were black, you'd probably have gotten the chair. I'm a criminal defense attorney. Defer to me.
As for the guy, I disagree with that beth girl. To move forward, you have to beat the shit out of the past with a bat, where practicable.
"That beth girl?"
Wouldn't, "I disagree with Beth" have been sufficient? lol
I don't think that revisiting the past is that helpful. I mean deal with it by all means, but don't stick around. It'll only hold you back.
tough. i've been there too with the whole meth thing. it's worse than herroin.
it cost me physical damage, a relationship and some friends.
good to hear soemone else talk about it.
Wow!!
I didn't know. I agree with Beth, you did the right thing. It is a great thing, you telling your biggest secret. I am scared to tell mine. I have a feeling you will be known for accomplishing a lot of great things, Blush.
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