Monday, October 31, 2005

He's Got a Perfect Name

The other night I went downtown by myself again just to see what was up like I had planned to do previously. But I made a fatal error. I forgot my ID. Yeah. But being Sunday, not too many people were out there, which sucked because I looked stunning. Almost like a movie star. (I was in costume.) So I just walked around and tried to talk some of the bouncers into letting me in but I wasn't really feeling it. I was feeling a little despondent or something. Then I heard it. A beautiful mix of blues guitar and jazz saxophone. I smiled because the kind of music they were playing matched perfectly with how I was dressed, and that gave me a good reason to go over there and hang out. As I got closer, I saw that the guitarist was quite attractive, and my age. He saw me coming over and smiled and nodded his head. So I sat on the steps of the Driskill Hotel while they played and he sang. The more I listened to him sing, the more it seemed like he was singing to me. I would look up at him and grin and he would look down at me and chuckle. A passing couple dropped some change into his guitar case. The song ended. We started talking. He is from New Orleans. He relocated to Austin for obvious reasons. He also gives guitar lessons. Then the sax player got up and went some where else. He played some Zeppelin for me. I loved the way he was dressed, and I loved the way he wore his clothes. The more we flirted, the more I realized that this was a man I could fall in love with. LIke, I just wanna be close to him. I want to learn from him. We exchanged phone numbers, but he didn't call me today. Why are men like that? But now I know where he is on weekends, so I can always stop by. I would anyway just to listen to him play and sing. I would love to become close to this man--his lifestyle is so romantic and that's something I could totally dig. And oh yeah, he's a scorpio and I'm a pisces. That's my favorite combination. I hated to leave, but my cab was pulling up. So on impulse I told him that I didn't have any cash for his guitar-case but I did have something else for him. Then I kissed him. He smiled as I turned and walked to my cab. I think he yelled out "call me" as I walked away. I am such a player. I can't wait to see this guy again.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

True Blue

Last night I had not a just a fun night out but a goddamned adventure. I musta walked about 500 blocks during the course of the night. In heels. Of course it started out harmlessly enough...but doesn't it always? I went down to Sixth by myself, in costume, just to see what was up. I had planned to check out the scene and go home because I was tired from closing at work. What I didn't plan on was meeting some of the realest chicas I've ever encountered. And I know real when I see real. Because I am the realest. Ask Danielle. I thought we were the only ones. Enter Mona, Lisa, and Blake. These girls know how to have fun. They were dressed up as fairies and adopted me because I was by myself. We went from drinking in a club where I kissed Abe Lincoln, to a party off of Riverside where they had the red dolls, to the near-empty frat house where we found Mallori, Jessica, and Brittney. Then I got tangled up in the front seat with a cute soldier in town from Fort Hood. When he opened the car door he was attacked out of nowhere by a really big guy. He pulled him out of the car and started kicking his ass. So I confront the agressor, knowing he could crush me, to try to divert his attention from hurting my cute soldier boy. He threatened me but I didn't back down. Thank god I'm a hard-ass. At least it gave a chance to get up and defend himself. And if that fool would have hit me I would have laughed my ass off as I called the cops and watched him get arrested. It would have been my pleasure. I still have no idea what was going on or why that happened. Crazy random acts of violence. What we really needed was someone nearby to come pistolwhip that guy. Where is Yossarian when you need him?? Almost just as fast as it began it was over. Finally we all rested at the girls' house near campus. We did and saw it all tonight. In costume mind you. I have not slept. I don't want to miss anything. What's funny to me is that I would never have foreseen last night's events unfolding the way they did. Not in a million years. I guess you can't predict shit like that though. That's what life is all about, right? So I'm planning on going for it again tonight, as I have a tentative date with Abe Lincoln. You know his beard wasn't itchy at all. My poor soldier boy had to go back to Fort Hood. This time I will take some pictures of the "trick-or-treaters" on Sixth and try to upload them for ya'll. It's something everyone should experience at least once. But the best part is that, throughout the night I really connected with these girls. They are real. The realest. I feel like I have known them all my life; they are kindred spirits. I think I may have finally found a place to belong, and people to belong to...I am so happy!

I have a problem
with no solution
but to love...
and to be loved.

Happy Daylight Savings Time! Fall Back!

Jams for the Day: Method Acting by Bright Eyes and My Slumbering Heart by Rilo Kiley

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Palm to Palm is Holy Palmer's Kiss

I have had the best Saturday afternoon ever. I mean it. I went shopping up Congress Avenue and found the fucking best store. It's called Goody Two Shoes. Then as I was window-shopping, a lady in a suit gave me a voucher for a free drink at Jo's. So I got an iced mocha. I love free stuff. The lady in the suit worked for Mercury and she and her counterparts were giving away vouchers for free stuff from the local shops and showing their new model, the 2006 Milan. So I paid for a poncho and a brooch from Goody Two Shoes, sipped my iced mocha, and went over to St. Vincent de Paul Thrift Shop, where I found some awesome shoes, and a grey Dior sweater for four dollars. You have never felt anything so soft as that sweater. On my way home, I passed a "health and wellness fair" outside a yoga studio. It was mostly holistic products and some interesting holistic services. There were even fortune tellers there--for spiritual well-being you see. They gave me a voucher for a free week of yoga or pilates classes. Cool. Then I walked by a high-end Spa that is right next to my building, and the Mercury people were giving away Aveda soaps and vouchers for free massages. I was on that shit like white on rice. My masseur was an attractive young man, and I was much overdo for a massage. And it was heavenly. So I don't think I will be bitching about needing a man for a while. I think Greg the Masseur got me over that hump. I just needed to feel a man's hands on me. And it's better this way because it's so innocent. I only wish he would have been more rough with me; he was very gentle. A gentleman. It was nice. I live for afternoons like this.

Blush minus B equals Lush

Oh man. I don't even remember writing that last post. I mean at all. I don't remember much after I poured my last drink with what was left of the alcohol, which happened to be everclear and cranberry juice. I guess that's what happens when you get to the party late. Needless to say, ONE was enough for me. There are some things I don't remember but see traces of this morning. I had so much fun last night. Thank god I'm not paying for it today. I hope I don't regret it tomorrow.

Jam for the day: Celebrity Skin by Hole

Squinty-Eye Blues

I went out tonight and had a great time. I love my new life. I don't need anyone but me. Screw everybody else. This is my life and I insist on reveling in it no matter what life thows my way. So there.


Friday, October 28, 2005

If I do say so myself...

I think I just wrote the best post ever. If ya'll knew anything about Blush, ya'lld understand. Yeah, I said it.

My Only Love sprung from My Only Hate

Tonight I went out with a girlfriend from high school. And college. Actually we came close to being sisters-in-law. Yes we dated brothers. Anyway, I hope we go shopping when I get paid. I am the typical girl...I love to shop. My mom hates to shop. So sometimes I do the Christmas shopping for the whole family...even myself. Have you ever done that? It's pretty awesome.

I have the house to myself for the first time in two years for the next couple of days. So I am relishing it, sittin' at the computer in my underwear. Enjoy it while it lasts. Ha.

I need to find something that consumes my mind. Something to take me there. Something that I cannot escape. Something to busy these idle hands. For they are the devil's playground.

Have you ever watched The Real World: Austin?? Have you seen where they live? It's only like, the hippest place in Texas. I live right down the street from there. Yeah. It's awesome.

I am 50% self-adoration and 50% self-hatred.

I love Kelly Clarkson. And ya know why?? Because she kept it real.

Fuck You.

Jam for the Day: Sunrise, Sunset by Bright Eyes

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

The Longest Game Ever

I just turned on the baseball game and it's tied in the bottom of the 11th. Holy shit! It looks like the Astros could pull this one out of their ass. I wish I were there. What a great ballgame. I remember going to Astros games (at the Astrodome) when I was little. We had really good seats. A nice man behind me gave me his cap, an old-school blue and orange Astros hat. I still have it too. This has been an exciting summer for Houston man. I am glad I was there for most of it. Now it is almost winter. I say almost winter because we really don't have an autumn. But it is kinda cold out at night now. I love it. All of the best times of my life were when the air smelled like it does now. And every day I fall further in love with my city. Today I went downtown and just walked around like I like to do. People kept staring at me from their cars and whatnot because I was having an unbelievable hair day. I am no traffic-stopper, but I have my moments. The guy in the pizzeria kept staring at me. I pretended not to notice, but I did. Then tonight at the bus stop I had a conversation in Spanish with a Guatemalan named Alexander. I hadn't spoken Spanish in a long time. But I held my own. I miss Spanish. I want to brush up on my Spanish and then learn Italian. Because I want to spend a year studying in Italy when I go back to A&M. Wouldn't that be the shit? That is my plan. I am thinking of joining the National Guard to get the money to go back to school. Is that a good idea? My dad thinks I wouldn't make it. But I don't know. What do ya'll think? I got a new nose stud today and I love it. I hadn't had it in in so long I didn't know if I'd still like it, but it's awesome. It's just the tiniest rhinestone. And I think it just finishes my face. Luckily we can wear them at my work. I have an awesome life. A year ago I would never have thought I'd actually be here. This is exactly where I want to be. And now that that I've got most everything I want for the moment, my mind has turned to other things, like men. I fucking hate that shit. I don't need a fucking man! But dammit I need a fucking man. I simply cannot do everything myself. This game is killing me. It's taking too long. I was trying to stall long enough to give you the results but fuck it. I'm going to bed.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Decision 2005

So today I took an expedition to the mall. It is a long way riding the bus. I went to go get a Halloween costume and a new bra. I found a flapper dress on sale. You know, the kind with all the fringe. It is black and has arm-length gloves. I got fishnet tights with the old-school seam down the back, black heels, a long beaded necklace, and a red and black feather boa to go with it. Now that I've tried it on I look more like Lady Marmalade than Daisy Buchanan, but it's sexy. I never dress sexy for Halloween. And believe everything you see on tv about the Victoria's Secret Ipex bra. It is the proverbial bomb. I could fight villains with my cleavage. I swear. But being around all that pretty lingerie made me miss wearing it. But we won't go there. Though I can't believe mentioning my sex life (or lack thereof) garnered so many comments yesterday. I feel so special. Some think I should go for it, and some think I should wait. Let's have a vote. And I will let you know how it turns's that? It will be a fun experiment. I mean, I don't have anything else to do. I've been celibate for 18 months now and for what? The guys I like never end up liking me back. So what am I waiting for?? Maybe ya'll can remind me, because I am feeling a bit reckless. What I really need is a Sugar Daddy. But I also need everyone's vote by Friday because I might just be able to pick someone up wearing this outfit. So be sure to get your votes in because I will need to know whether or not to shave my legs! Haha!

Monday, October 24, 2005

Birth Control

Today I am wallowing in my femininity. I feel like shit. I mean I am sad. This tends to happen to some of us on a monthly basis. And I am feeling it. It's so weird, it's like I just fall into this shame spiral of eating and napping and wanting to cry all day. I want to hide in my bed under the covers. I'm afraid of everything. I think I need to get laid. Maybe that is what's wrong with me. But I just don't have the energy or the will to try. I just frown all day. My life is an odd mixture of the past and the present and it throws my senses into a tailspin. A man wearing his old cologne came into work the other day. I hate when shit like that's so irrelevant. I need to make some new memories. Take new pictures. Tell new stories. I don't wanna be alone anymore.

Sunday, October 23, 2005


Tonight I took a walk in the crisp night air. Austin is the kind of town I would want to have long walks in with my lover. But tonight I was lonely. I could've walked for miles and stumbled for at least one more. But I didn't know where to go. I never know where to go. And I surely don't know how to get there. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. So I gave up. I just stopped at the store and bought a pack of cigarettes and started back home. In the end I was glad I did because I finally met Austin's infamous transvestite street-walker, Leslie, en route. He was wearing a spandex leotard with a coat and ballcap and he was carrying a cooler, headed toward 6th. I had only heard of him until tonight. He commented on the weather to me and we agreed that we had been waiting for this all summer. I turned around and watched him walk away. Then I looked up at the sky and smiled and breathed in the cool, dry air. My eyes got misty, but I never stopped walking.

Leslie Cochran

Jam for the Day: Smile Like You Mean It by The Killers


Hooray! Jeff Gordon just won at Martinsville! 73rd career win. That's my boy! Watching him race is so hot. Nascar Sundays shouldn't be wasted alone in your apartment, if you know what I mean. There is something about the low roar and rhythm of the engines. It's so intense; passionate. Ahem. Anyway, I was thinking about doing my usual weekend sports wrap-up but nobody cares. On Friday night I got off work and went out with my cousin and his friends. I love Austin because I always meet interesting people here. Like one guy I met was a director, and has a movie showing at the Austin Film Festival this week. His girlfriend did the special effects. And I also met the owner of a club which made the strongest Cape Cods I've ever had. I got drunk on accident. Honest! It was the kind of drunk where you don't realize how drunk you really were until the next morning. But it was also the kind of drunk where you don't seem drunk. No I didnt do anything crazy. I just talked to people and had a good time. Not too long after I got home and changed into my pajamas, I heard yelling in the parking lot. So I (being drunk) went over there to see what was up and meet the neighbors. Well it was some boys about to fight over who was going to win the Tech game on Saturday. So I talked them out of fighting, and they listened to me because as an Aggie I am a neutral party. haha! But really I am happy that Texas won. Everyone hates Tech. They're the rejects of Texas. Ahem. I need some suggestions for a cheap, easy, clever Halloween costume. Every Halloween weekend on Sixth is like a freak parade of people in all kinds of costumes--some very elaborate. I usually go as Hester Prynne but I left my costume shit in Lufkin and I think it's too late to do anything. I have an extremely minimal budget for this and am having trouble thinking of something cool. Please advise!

I found a new hero today: Condoleezza Rice. She's so rad. I was watching C-SPAN this morning and I was just mesmerized by her discussion with whatever war committee. Plus, she's a black woman. She's doing more for women than Madonna ever dreamed of. I love how Bush has such a diverse cabinet. Say what you will about the man, but that was awesome of him. I think that's how it should be. That kind of shit speaks volumes. Speaking of volumes, I think your heroes speak volumes about you. I realized this while watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off this weekend. So I have compiled a list of my heroes for your analytical pleasure. (Jesus Christ notwithstanding)

Ferris Bueller
Two words: Danke Shon

Condi Rice
The first black woman Secrectary of State. She's smart as a whip and has a sense of humor, plus she seems really down to earth.

Zack Morris
Smooth-talking schemer. Most popular guy in school. Best friends with a total geek.

Carrie Bradshaw
Single female writer living the life in New York City. Fabulous clothes, fabulous parties, fabulous sex. Beautiful, but in her own way. Always conflicted about something.

Courtney Love
To quote Spin Magazine, "She's got the strongest ankles in rock n roll."

John Steinbeck
Literary god. Read East of Eden and you'll know what I mean.

Kevin Smith
Meaningful and crude at the same time. Also known as "Silent Bob."

Henri Matisse
Any man that could create a beautiful woman with just 35 lines must have been some kind of divinity.

Sam Houston
Outsmarted Santa Anna at San Jacinto and ultimately won Texas' Independence from Mexico. Owned a house shaped like a steamboat. Quit the governorship when Texas joined the Confederacy. Lived the rest of his life as an American-Indian and called himself "The Raven." Widely recognized as an eccentric.

Ann Curry
Asian-American journalist on the Today Show. She delivers the news with almost complete objectivity. She has the most beautiful skin and hair I've ever seen and holds herself with the utmost composure. Graceful and pretty.

Douglas Adams
Author of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, the most creative and exact social commentary ever written.

Scarlett O'Hara
Hardheaded bitch. The belle of the ball. The only girl in the county with a 17" waist. Legendary survivor.

Bree van de Kamp
Very polite but very cold bitch. Everything she does is perfect. I wouldn't fuck with Bree if I lived on Wisteria Lane.

Marshall McLuhan
Visionary. Way ahead of his time. Coined the phrase "global village" and predicted the rise of the internet Nostradamus-style. Read Understanding Media.

Penny Lane
The ultimate groupie. Ahem. Band-Aid. She was there because of the music. "Groupies" sleep with rock stars because they want to be near someone famous. She was the one who changed everything. She said "no more sex, no more exploiting our bodies and our hearts...just blow-jobs, and that's it."

Eric Cartman
Nobody makes mischief like Cartman.

She's not afraid of anything. Except carnival rides.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

A Better Son/Daughter

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can't move
Awake but can't open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs
I know I can't breathe
And hope someone will save me this time
And your mother's still calling you insane and high
Swearing it's different this time
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her
And that god never blessed her insides
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things
And crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you loved things just because
Like the sick and dying...
And sometimes when you're on
You're really fucking on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you'll fight and you'll make it through
You'll fake it if you have to
And you'll show up for work with a smile
And you'll be better
And you'll be smarter
More grown up and a better daughter
Or son
And a real good friend
And you'll be awake
You'll be alert
You'll be positive though it hurts
And you'll laugh and embrace all of your friends
You'll be a real good listener
You'll be honest
You'll be brave
You'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful
You'll be happy...
Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
Your ship may be coming in
You're weak but not giving in
And you'll fight it you'll go out fighting
All of them...

Rilo Kiley

Brain Surgery

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

Jam for the Day: Loose Leaves by Bright Eyes

Friday, October 21, 2005

Panther Pride

Today it was autumn. It was cool in the shade and warm in the sun. I walked downtown to the bank to cash my last paycheck. I am not so poor as I was yesterday. I worked all night last night. I think it's safe to say that I hate closing. I am having the best hair day and it's a shame that I have to work tonight. We wear ballcaps and ponytails. I watched Friday Night Lights today. That movie got it just right. There is nothing in the world like High School Football. If you have ever lived in Texas and been involved with football season in a small town, you know exactly what I mean. I have neglected to tell you all where I grew up thus far, but I lived in Lufkin, TX. We have Astroturf and a football stadium with a Jumbotron. Remember, this is high school not college. In 2002 we won the State Championship with Reggie McNeal. It was huge. So they upped the program. But I remember going to all the football games when I was in school, and being involved in Dance/Drill Team I was on the scene for nearly everything. We had it made because we were the entertainment. Basically, a drill team in Texas are the girls who mostly dress up western with hats and boots all sequins and petticoats and fringe. Drill Team does kicklines and dances while the band plays during halftime. I fucking loved that shit. There is nothing like a performance. I wish I had a picture to show ya'll. Those of you out of state might laugh but that is bomb shit here. But the movie was so real. Like, the boys cried when they lost. That is so true. I remember being a senior in high school and we were in the playoffs but we lost just barely to Plano. I saw young men I grew up with crying like babies. It sounds funny but it was really heartbreaking. The movie was so real, they even showed Lufkin being beat by Dallas Carter in the playoff grid. Haha. I remember that happening a couple of times. Anyway this movie made me cry. Really it was just the end. They graduated and had to leave that life behind. I feel much like they did now. I didn't at the time...but I will always miss the lights.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Better Late than Never

My hometown boys are going to their first ever World Series! Hooray! Sorry St. Louis. You had your chance. It's funny though, because down here in Texas nobody even wants to talk about it or get excited, because nobody wants to jinx them. That's what happened last year. Either way, I say "Good Luck Astros, and beat the hell outta Chicago." Whoop!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

A Jedi Craves Not These Things

Another day another dollar another ho another hollar. Here we are. Tonight we saw a homeless man with a sign that said "visions of a burrito." How creative. So we gave him a cigarette. Last night I couldn't sleep. I was thinking about the good things I've done in my life, and most of them were ignoble. I had my first DVR experience tonight, and it was everything they said it would be. I can only imagine how warped my sense of reality would be if I had had a contraption like that when I was a child. Kids these days. So I watched My Name Is Earl tonight because I worked last night. How great is that show? Surely you don't need any more proof that Jason Lee is the fucking bomb. I mean, Mallrats came on AMC this morning. What a great way to start the day. "I love the smell of commerce in the morning!" After that they played Dazed and Confused. The ultimate experience for the Ben Affleck connoisseur. They said that Richard Linklater was sued for libel by some of his friends after that movie came out. I believe it too because that movie is so real. Watch it and you will know what my teenage years were like, give or take 20 years. So the season premier of South Park came on tonight. They were making fun of the hurricanes and shit and global warming. I have figured out why global warming has never really caught on as a disatrous-type thing. Global warming. Doesn't that kinda sound like a good thing? It's the word warm. Who doesn't like to be warm? Hot sucks, but warm is nice. The environmentalists need to hire better PR people, I guess. I am so poor I saw a dime on the sidewalk so I said "Hell Yeah!" and pocketed it. I'm serious. So I am thinking of going to bartending school. Why not? I need some marketable skills. What do ya'll think? Today I had my very first ever feelings of material jealousy at work. I was on a break and I saw this chick with the best body. Like I would give anything to look like that. And she was cute too. She had clothes like I would wear, and great big sunglasses. She finished eating and talking on her BlackBerry and left the restaurant. As I watched her get into her new Lexus, I knew I would never have those things. Does that make me less desirable? Does that make me less of a woman? Or does that just mean that I am less worldly?

Jam for the Day: Sleeping In by The Postal Service

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Nag Champa

I just got off of work and I am so tired. Tonight I closed with a really nice girl who invited me to a party at her place on Thursday. I really want to go, and am planning to, I am only wary because she lives in San Marcos. That is the one place I am trying to avoid (due to the dreaded ex) which sucks because I have always had lots of fun there. She is a bit younger than I am so I doubt He will be there or anything. But I am happy, because things are moving faster than I thought they would as far as making friends goes. You know what sucks? Being broke. I had to buy my cigarettes today with quarters and dimes. But I guess that is all part of being alive, eh?

When I am alone (which is most of the time) I find myself scanning the crowds and searching the faces for my friends. I never see anyone I know. Like, when I see people I scour their faces/expressions/eyes for some semblance of familiarity. Looking for the love that I have lost. They usually stare back at me, blank-faced or with a hint of curiosity. It gets harder and harder to hide my disappointment in them. It hurts not to see him there. Every time. I try to hide it but I fear the pain shows through. Although I have numbed to it over time, it's no less real than it was the day he left. One day he will come back to me. And this time I will be ready. But I won't be counting the days anymore. I will be living my life.

Jam for the Day: In the Meantime by Supergrass

Monday, October 17, 2005


I have had a great day today. I spent my last $3 and am officially broke. I love my job because they play great music. I got to work and the first customers I served were deaf. You see the Texas School for the Deaf is right up the street. But we have to converse with customers to know what they want on their burritos. So it was kinda awkward. At first. Then it was nice. It was clear they knew how to read lips and were well educated. So many different people here in Austin. I love it. Yes, Armaedes, I live in Austin. Were you stoned when you were reading my blog? That's all I've been talking about. Heheh. Anyway so I saw this girl on Dr. Phil who was bulimic because she wanted to look like Mary-Kate Olsen. Like she was obsessed with her. This was a pretty girl. It was pathetic. And even more so when I found out this girl has a kid that is old enough to talk. That made me feel old. Girls with talking babies young enough to be obsessed with Mary-Kate Olsen? Yikes. Funny story about Dr. Phil...would you have guessed that Kid Rock is his favorite musician?? Me neither. But I saw the 100th episode of his show where they had Kid Rock come out and surprise him by playing on the show. Dr. Phil lost his composure. He was so excited I thought he would pass out. And Kid Rock is all on stage screaming "I can smell a pig from a mile away!" And Dr. Phil is about to faint in ecstacy. "I'm gonna paint his town red, and paint his wife white!" All the housewives in the audience are smiling and clapping along. It was a hilarious, priceless moment. In the end, all I could do was shake my head--and laugh my ass off!

So anyway I promised a story about a moment that changed my life. Of course this is a retrospective. So back in Jr. High, I lived in a small town in East Texas. We listened to country music and whatever pop music they played on the radio. My cassette collection consisted of like, George Strait, The Judds, Clay Walker, Mariah Carey, Weezer, Green Day, Salt n Peppa, and Aerosmith. Yeah. But I had heard of Nirvana. There were kids at school always wearing his shirts. I think Kurt had just killed himself. I had only heard 2 songs, Smells Like Teen Spirit and The Man Who Sold the World. I adored these songs. So I was in the mall and I only had like $10 but I wanted an album. And I fucking picked up Unplugged in New York and carried it around the store. I just wasn't sure because I'd never really listened to Nirvana and because I only had ten bucks and I didn't want to waste it, you see. So I wanted to make sure there wasn't something better. Then I saw it. The new Mariah Carey album. I stood there and compared the two. Of course being a 12 year old girl Mariah's cover art appealed to me more than Nirvana's. For some reason that is a huge part of it for me. Anyway, I put back the Nirvana with much reserve and bought Mariah Carey because I already knew I liked her. Who the fuck knows if I even listened to it? I don't even remember what album it was. I didn't discover Nirvana for four more years. And Unplugged is my favorite Nirvana album. It is a funny, sad story, but looking back, I see how even a trivial decision affected my life. The Mariah Carey-stage me vs. the Nirvana-stage me were very different people. Nirvana really liberated me. What would that have done to me at 12? Maybe it was the universe guiding me. I don't think I would have been ready for Nirvana when I was that age. I was pretty sheltered. And I guess I subconsciously chose to stay that way. It's funny how things work out. Even a fleeting moment in your life can be something that totally directs it. I am an exploitative dork.

You heard me.

Jam for the Day: Going the Distance by Cake

Sunday, October 16, 2005

If I was a rich girl

I just got back from my first day at work. It didn't take long for me to get the hang of how to roll the burritos at all. I still have a little trouble with the Monster Burritos though. They are fucking huge ya'll! I put two in a sack and almost dropped it. Haha. Anyway I think I am going to like it. There is always something to do so time goes pretty fast. And the people there are pretty cool too. I really enjoy that most of our management are Aggies. That makes me feel more at home. I was worried a little about moving to Austin as an Aggie. They don't particularly like us or respect us all the time. Once I was at this party in San Marcos and was outright insulted by some guy. A big joke in Texas is that Aggies are "dumb." So we are half-drunk and arguing over the semantics of the word "pimp" and it is getting pretty heated. Then he throws his hands up and says some shit like "Oh, you must be an Aggie." (I don't think he actually knew I was an Aggie.) My ex-boyfriend saw my nostrils flare and I swear to god he ran away in shock that someone had said this to me and out of fear of what I might do. He chose flight over fight I guess. But I just had a couple of...meaningful words with the guy and walked back in the house. I have a way of handling shit. But I have had some people in Austin flip me off when I was driving because of the Aggie sticker on my car. Certainly not because of my driving! Heheh. I do not know why I put myself in opposing situations like this. Like, I put myself into environments that are fundamentally opposing to my personality and/or beliefs. For example: In high school I was an under-acheiver. I partied, listened to Hole all the time, cut school, etc. But my extracurricular was dance/drill team, which is mostly preppy rich girls. So I never really fit in, although I totally loved it. Then, when I went to A&M, I knew I would be more liberal than most everyone there. A&M is a very conservative school. And I just didn't fit in on campus so much, although I absolutely adore it there, and everything A&M stands for. And now I am here. The list goes on. Why do I do this to myself? Is it some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy wherein I subconsciously take measures to ensure that I am somehow different? Is it some masochistic tendency to make sure I'm always uncomfortable about something? Is it that I just don't like myself and I have to give myself chickenshit reasons for it? Or am I so dualistic in nature that even when I've got yin I miss my yang. (Could that be perceived as lewd?) Maybe I am just a character. Isn't always being different characteristic of a character? I can't afford to be eccentric--yet. So I am kinda depressed, but in a bored way. I have terrible posture. There is much on the horizon but everything's all blurred and I can't make it out even when I squint my eyes. The anxiety is killing me. I hope it is all pink and purple and red, but I have a feeling it is more orange than anything else. I don't really know what to expect. When I think about the future, it makes me laugh and cry simultaneously. With talent like that, why am I so worried? This is boring. I am sorry. I've been blogging too much lately. I just want to chronicle all this change. I'll make up for it later with a story about one of my life-changing moments. It'll be good. You'll laugh. You'll cry. Maybe both at the same time.

Jam for the Day: My Doorbell by The White Stripes

Saturday, October 15, 2005


Okay so I lied. But I didn't mean to. I convinced myself that I had to work today, when I don't actually go in until Sunday. I'm glad I looked at my shit before I showed up there today. So tomorrow I start Sunday lunch. That will be interesting. But still better than today I think because of the Football Game. So far the University of Texas is whooping Colorado's ass. I'm pretty sure A&M is beating Oklahoma State. I saw the score not too long ago. It's been a slow Saturday. haha! They were just talking about school traditions and shit like they do in College Football broadcasts, making a big deal about live animals, and they were talking about UT's mascot, a cow named Bevo. They showed an old picture of when the Aggies beat the Longhorns 13-0 and then we snuck in and caught the cow and branded it "13-0". You see the cow was called "Varsity" back in the day. And when the t-sips found Varsity the next morning, they were so embarrassed that they changed it's name to BEVO by filling in the brand. That's how their mascot got it's name. Weak huh? We really got 'em that time. It's the little things that make life bearable. Things that we can all be proud of. Click the link for funny shiz.

I know I talk about Texas football a lot but I am watching the USC-Notre Dame game and the last three minutes have been like the best sex of my life. I'm serious. Especially because I was rooting for USC. Matt Leinart is hot. I'd better cool down with some Nascar. This is how I spend my Saturdays--very sexy!

I watched the Cat in the Hat movie today. You know, the one with Mike Myers. It was kind of disturbing when the Cat would dress up as different characters. It just didn't look right. You would have had to be a stoner to enjoy it I think. If I were Dakota Fanning I would have whooped The Cat in the Hat's ass. Indeed. Thing 1 and Thing 2 as well. But when the Cat would shake his fists and say "OH YEAH" I laughed my ass off. Then we watched that movie Face/Off with John Travolta and Nicolas Cage. First let me say that this movie was ridiculous. Secondly, it affirmed for me that Travolta is the bomb and that Nicolas Cage is a douchebag. There is no thirdly. Awfully Serious mentioned liking Elizabethtown. That's a good review. I'm going to try and go see it next week. I haven't spent money on the movies in a while. Well I think I took my dad to see The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I am always afraid of going to the movies because what if I don't like it? Then you're obligated to stay. But I've noticed that every movie I've ever seen really was more spectacular at the theatre because of the illusion. Some movies I like in the theatre I am appalled by when I see the film a second time at home. Ah...the romance of the silver screen experience. We had the shittiest theatre where I grew up. The film would always screw up and the ceiling leaked. So I just never went. Now they have two huge ones. Things have changed so much. Man, everything. Even the things that seem normal are not. I've seen it in their eyes. Some things are better some are worse. But things have been shit for so long it's hard to believe in love again. Surely my karma is recycled by now! I took Hopelessly Average's Dante's Hell test and it said I would be in purgatory. I feel like I am already there sometimes. My back hurts. I need to get laid.

Jam for the Day: It's Been Awhile by Staind

Friday, October 14, 2005


I have to wake up early tomorrow. First the post office, then work. It feels good to say that, like some memory of a woman on tv when I was a little girl, but then again, it's work. The people at work seem nice. I hope they like me. I am not feeling particularly witty or clever tonight. I apologize. I have started four sentences in a row with the same pronoun. That should tell you something. I'm afraid I'm a narcissicist. This is hard for me to admit. Narcissus is traditionally looked upon by scholars as a fool or as being somehow wicked, but what if he just had low self-esteem? Should we blame him for that? Or maybe he was always looking for something within himself. That's how I feel anyway. But perhaps the scholars are right in understanding Narcissus as a fool because even if he did have low self-esteem isn't that sort of a foolish notion? In a perfect world, we would all know who we were and what we meant and that everyone should be able to draw off of their own personal strength in perilous times. And you know what, I think that actually happens for some people. But not the majority. Some people look into the mirror for more than their reflection. Narcissus had a fatal flaw though. He had no self-control. The idealist asks, "But how will he know to control the self unless he knows and understands that self?" Sounds logical, but alas, that is not the way it works. You are thrown into life without the key to the doors of perception. Social repression, grief, insecurity, love, hatred, envy, betrayal; they all play their part in the masquerade. What could have been done for Narcissus? Is that what he gets? Is it a tragedy that a man could look directly at himself yet never truly see himself? Did we miss something in this story? Or did he simply serve his purpose? In the end Narcissus' life meant something, for good or ill. And he is always remembered for it. Look around you. The creative ones, the fucked-up ones, the prodigal, narcissistic ones, are they not the ones we love the most? The ones we love to hate?

Tapped Out

I need something to calm my nerves. I had my training today at work. Who would have thought that making a burrito could be so nerve-wracking? Well it is the first time you do it. But I will be a pro burrito-roller in a few weeks I'm sure. The guys that trained with me were kinda retarded. One guy shook. Like, even when we were filling out paperwork he shook like he was having some kind of withdrawals. The other guy forgot to put on gloves before he started making a burrito for a REAL customer. They were both younger than me, I think. I did okay. The customer I helped complimented me to my manager. I am more nervous about fitting into the social scene and finding my place there. I guess it is always stressful when you start a new job and I am feeling it right now. I should probably have a glass of wine. So I work tomorrow and then every day until next Sunday. Why am I feeling so scared? I feel like I'm being pulled into a vacuum. One cool thing about Freebirds is that their main office is in College Station, so there are a few Aggies that already work there. The Aggie thing can really come in handy sometimes. It really is a family. Let's not get me started...I could wax poetic about Aggieland for paragraphs on end. In fact ya'll are lucky I haven't gone off on ya'll yet--haha. But that's neither here nor there. Why am I so tired? I am too young to be this tired. South Park is on all evening long tonight. I couldn't have asked for anything more.

"how are you so burned when you're barely on fire?"

Jam for the day: Malibu by Hole

Screw you guys, I'm going home

Oh man, we ate at the best fucking place tonight. My roomate had a wild hare and we went to Ruth's Chris Steak House. My *cough*$30 steak*cough* was "like butta." Actually, it was like eating steak-flavored birthday cake. In fact, everything else tonight paled in comparison to dinner. I saw what was probably the shittiest band in Texas tonight. I think the drummer was a fourteen-year old band camp refugee. But they gave it the old college try. So I laughed the first half of their set, then I just tried to hide my embarrassment until we grabbed a cab and bailed later on. Either way I was thoroughly inebriated by the time I got home, which is what it's all about, right? I've got the traditional hand-stamp battle scar. It will probably end up on my face by morning the way I've been sleeping lately. You know, they've started playing Beavis and Butthead on MTV again. So maybe the world actually has turned back on it's axis. Tomorrow I rejoin the ranks of the employed. And I am so glad. This killin' time is killin' me. I can't wait for the season premier of That 70's Show next month. That will be the bomb. Why does my life seem to revolve around television? It didn't seem wrong at the time. How will I get money to go back to college ya'll? And I need to get my master's degree now. I don't really wanna get my master's from A&M--is that treason to suggest? But I wouldn't even know anywhere else to go to school. And so I have a couple of years left in College Station, but damn I don't wanna move back there. This is a big dilemma for me because I really want to have an Aggie Ring. That is one of my few (attainable) goals in life. So what am I supposed to do? This is what keeps me up at night. I need someone to take me away from all of this. Do you know what it's like to be the best looking chick in the room? Me neither. I watched fucking Fahrenheit 9/11 today. Well I listened to it. Michael Moore is such a prick. That's my commentary on that. I want to go see the movie Elizabethtown. It may be dorky, but I have a thing for Cameron Crowe. Fuck ya'll, I'll go alone. Goodnight.

I am the luckiest girl in the world

Oh and King of the Hill is my favorite show.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Run Amok

To celebrate my final day of unemployment, I took myself to the Austin Museum of Art. It was pretty cool for a small museum. I am just used to the Museum of Fine Arts in Houston. They have some bomb shit there. So I have just been on the couch for the past few hours watching tv and thinking. Thinking of things highly inappropriate to write to any of you. And it's making me crazy. Ahem. Danielle wants me to move to Dallas at the end of the year but now that I am in Austin, I am thinking of staying. I guess it depends on how the job goes. But wouldn't that be like a dream? Living and working with my best friend in trendy downtown Dallas? It sounds like a novel, but I don't want to end up in The Valley of the Dolls. Plus I've always wanted to live in Austin. And I don't know if I'll fit-in in Dallas like I do here. Something to think about later. I have no idea what the future holds. It's fantastic. Every plan I ever had has been ruined or at least soiled. I've got to start completely over. And I am. Not very many people get an opportunity like this. But at this point in my...reincarnation, I haven't made any solid plans by any means. So we are going downtown tonight. I hope I don't get bored...I am feeling very bored right now, and sometimes I get bored at clubs. Most of the time it's not the club's fault but the people inside, you see. But now you can't smoke in the clubs anymore--damned aging hippies. I need something to consume my mind. I should probably have a glass of wine or something. I love apples and berries.

Jam for the Day: Casual Sex by The Faint

Wednesday, October 12, 2005


You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.
Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.
You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.
You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.
Damn. Maybe that explains my earlier post...

Keep Austin Weird

You Are 40% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird...
But too damn weird to do anything about it!
I can't believe it thinks I'm 60% normal!

Who needs action when you got words?

I thought I'd have to work today but they don't need me until Friday. So I am straight chillin. Tomorrow I think I'll have a go at the Austin Museum of Art (AMoA.) But today, I have nothing. So I have been thinking about my blog. And about my writing. Writing practice was a large part of the reason I chose this medium. I want to try some new things. Well, things I haven't done with blush reality before. Except that all my ideas seem hokey. All I do is talk about tv because that's most of what I've been doing. But I enjoy keeping the house. It's been too long since I've kept a house. I need to learn how to cook. How will I make someone a good wife if I can't cook and am too lazy to do the laundry? See this is how I have been thinking lately, and it's freaking me out. Like, the only way I can explain it is that I've become a...woman. I lost my girlish naivete at some point along the road less-travelled. I find myself thinking differently sometimes. Say what you will but the trend is that the women do most of the cookin' and cleanin'. That makes me nervous. One day it will be my turn to help make (and clean up) Thanksgiving Dinner. Holy Shit! That's not my bag. But can I honestly avoid it? I mean I could do it, but think about it. If I were to ever become a mother, I would HAVE to take care of the kids, and then me. I would hope that my husband would split household duties with me depending on our work situation, but I would obviously take care of him too. Bam. I'm right where my mother is. I don't know if I want that. I don't know if I will ever gush over a baby. I had to clean up my roomate's infirm chihuahua's shit (in the bathtub) this morning and it made me gag. What if I had to clean up a baby's shit multiple times daily?! Would I do it with all the love of a mother's heart and with a smile on my face? I don't think so, dude. That scares the shit out of me. I don't want to get into something I'm not cut out for, because you can't quit being a parent. And I would never, ever even try to do it alone. Some girls are absolutely nuts. Or maybe I am just not one of them. One time I had a friend in Jr. High "tell my fortune." You know what she said?? She said I'd be an old maid. I have always been fucking deathly afraid of becoming an old maid. But I've had a lot of time to think things over since my last relationship and throughout my celibacy, and I am feeling like if that's the way it goes, so be it. I could probably find something to entertain myself, or have wild international romances with all that time. Sounds pretty good, right? But (and this is the big one) what if I actually do find someone that I either fall madly in love with or I deem appropriate to procreate with? Then I am domesticated again. Which is not such a bad thing but what do I want? I am so selfish. And really, how many guys are out there that are going to want a wife that doesn't necessarily want kids? And you've got to figure that shit out beforehand--I think it's a bad idea to "wing" something like marriage. Look at Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. It's obvious. There's a primal urge there for most people, and what I guess I'm saying is that I am not sure if it's there for me. And I also can't figure out if that helps me or hinders me. I'm just trying not to make any more mistakes, ya know?


We laughed so hard we cried this morning.

Jam for the Day: Simple Kind of Life by No Doubt

Perish the thought

I was watching The View today and they had this sex expert that said that men don't always orgasm when they ejaculate. She said it was the difference between OH OH OH and oh oh oh. Is this true?? I've never heard this before. Does this mean that guys could be faking it and I'm not really the best?? Please advise!

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Just Like a Woman

I just got back from an interview at Freebirds. Where I now work. I might even start this week. I'm going back down there tonight to do the paperwork. It's been some time since I've worked in food service, but I am capable of nearly anything. So we shall see how it goes. After my interview, I went down to Austin's famous Sixth Street. Today was the first time I'd ever seen it in the daylight. I love going downtown here. There's this energy I've never felt anywhere else. I saw this guy who must've been a rock star because normal people just don't look like that. I followed him to a coffee shop next door to a tattoo parlor. So I stopped in to get a new nose stud. But they didn't have the kind I wanted, so I walked back outside. When I lit a cigarette a Scottish man on the sidewalk blessed me. As I crossed the street, a Jamaican man asked me why I was so happy. I told him because I found a job. He told me to keep smiling. So I did. I walked past a street musician playing my favorite Dylan song on the harmonica. I should have stopped and given him some money. I don't know why I didn't. I left my sunglasses at home today. It's always the little things you regret.

Coldplay sucks. Yeah, I said it.

Today's Planetary Indulgence

The universe is encouraging you to listen today. This is not a day for polemic speeches. It is not a day to try and win others over to your enlightened point of view. Really listen to what your friends, loved ones, colleagues, neighbors, have to say, with all of your attention and empathy. You will strengthen your bonds with everyone, and you may be surprised at what you learn.

So if anyone needs to talk to me, today is your day. I mean, that's what it says.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Identity Crisis

I was lounging in the tub and I had a Cosmo moment. I looked at my roomate's hair supplies. They were called Gentle (shampoo), Super Rich (conditioner), and Bed Head: Self-Absorbed. There is much truth to that. So I looked at mine. Dry or Damaged, Color-Treated, and Long and Strong. What do you think that means? I'm inclined to believe there is some truth to that as well. Who am I kidding? So I held my head under scalding water and chanted the 77 names of God, which I read reverses the little known but much-feared shampoo christening.

"There is no remainder in the mathematics of infinity."

Monday Musing

Why do I always turn the television on to MTV even though I know I'm not going to like what's on? Okay I admit it. I do like Green Day. I had their first album on cassette. But I would like them a lot more if they didn't use their art as a political platform. Like Wake Me Up When September Ends. This song gets stuck in my head at least every other day. And it really is a good song. The guitar is strong. But then I saw the video. What the fuck does one have to do with the other? It's so obvious; so vulgar. And so now it's getting all this attention; it's supposed to be "important." But it doesn't make any sense! Does anyone else see this or is it just me? I enjoy subtlety in my art. That's whats great about the's so ambiguous. You can make it yours. And you can also make a great video like that too. But they really dropped the ball with this one, in my opinion.

Jam for the Day: Little Wing by Stevie Ray Vaughn

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Tangled Up In Blue

This afternoon I went shopping downtown. I got some badass clothes from the resale shops. I found the most rad silver gypsy hoop earings and wore them out of the store. And I got a new ring that is absolutely perfect. Austin is known for their vintage/resale shopping. It was fun going alone. So I stopped and got my mocha frappuccio and started off toward The Drag. I actually prefer shopping alone because then you can go wherever you want and look at whatever you want, whenever you want. And you don't have to reassure your girlfriend 15 times that she looks great in that. So today I shopped. I mean in a really sensual way. It was kind of like a dream. I saw many things today. I saw a bare-chested hippie in cowboy boots playing guitar and singing Dylan to the street vendors. I saw beautiful leather belts I couldn't afford. I saw bums sleeping in the park. I saw a black shirt that said Keep it Real in pink lettering, so I bought it. I saw a cowboy on the street that asked me for a cigarette, and when I obliged, he tipped his hat and said "Shalom." I saw jewelry made out of hemp and seashells. I saw kids throwing frisbee on the grounds of the Capitol from the bus stop across the street. I saw a man on the bus named Ray who's been sober for 3 months. I saw a girl with a pink and yellow mohawk at a cash register. I saw a blind lady getting off the bus who accidentally hit me with her cane. I saw a butterfly stretch its wings on a rock in the midday sun. I saw a redneck curse at some Asian students for speaking a language other than English. I saw the embarrassment and pain and loathing in their faces. I saw a long-haired boy reading a book on the bus. I saw the difference in the shades of grey in the sidewalk. I saw a cubby girl with an iPod. I saw the gloss on the skin of the co-eds. I saw their has-been mothers. I saw couples on patios kissing, and I saw men with books in coffee shops debating. This may sound like romantic blather, but I swear, I really saw all of this today. The sky has never been bluer.

Jam for the Day: Don't Think Twice It's Alright by Bob Dylan

Saturday, October 08, 2005


I rode around downtown today and found The Drag. That is where all the vintage resale shops are. I can't wait to go shopping and find some deals. Because I was thinking...what's to stop me from just changing my whole image? If there was ever a time I could get away with something like that it's now...and it could be like, part of my renaissance. I think I like the idea. I just need to figure out what my style should be. Suggestions welcome! Let's make it a project. It'll be fun. Speaking of renaissance, I think I may get to go to Texas Renaissance Festival this year after all. That is one of my favorite things to do every year. I love to buy jewelry there. I also located the Austin Museum of Art when I was downtown. I am planning on visiting there sometime next week. I love art museums, but I really enjoy sharing them with someone special. But I'm on my own now. The only romance in my life is me slowly falling in love with myself for the first time. So I guess that's okay. I'll just take myself to the art museum. It'll be romantic.

I'll look to like if looking liking move

Good morning. It is early here. Well probably not that early for you but early for the unemployed. Which is me. I hope I get that job at Freebirds. That would be the shizzle. It has been a long time since I've worked in food service though. But think about it...I could have a burrito any time I wanted! And I love burritos. So Texas plays Oklahoma today. Big game. Biggest game in Texas besides the Aggie-Longhorn game over Thanksgiving. Texas has gotten their ass whooped the past 5 years. They are pretty upset over it. Here in Austin they have a whole club called Operation Orange: Reverse the Curse that is devoted to people doing...supersticious things to try to make sure Texas wins today. Like not changing your socks all week or not washing your hair or wearing orange every day or some shit like that. Is that kinda funny or is it just me? I am just used to A&M; their silliness is more organized. It is different being in Austin during football season. It's like College Station but it's...the enemy. For those of you who don't know, Texas A&M and The University of Texas are bitter rivals. Which sucks for me because I need to go buy some Austin-friendly tee-shirts with a quickness--all my tee-shirts are Aggie maroon--and that's not a good first impression here. Not that I would ever stoop to wear burnt ugly orange, but I need some neutral shirts. Mike agrees. Plus it just got cold. I have only one long-sleeved shirt that's not button-down. So that is my new dilemma. Of couse I don't have hardly any money, and I still need to buy groceries. Hopefully my last paycheck with come in the mail soon. Or I can have my mom send me some sweaters. Here I am thinking out loud. It's early so I'll let it slide. So this week has been a big week for the celebrities...Britney Spears had her white trash baby, Nick and Jessica split up, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes announced her illegitimate pregnancy, and then Brad Pitt knocks Angelina Jolie up, but maybe that was last week, I forget. Two of these occurences make me laugh, and two make me cry. So Nick and Jessica split up. That's the last time he marries a virgin. Yes Jessica was a virgin when they got married. So thats like, her first relationship. Of course it's not going to work out! And then they decided to have their first two years as a married couple videoed and made into a hit "reality" series. Two bad decisions in a row! So I laugh at them. Poor dumb-sons-of-bitches. That's what they get. They are both brats anyway. And Angelina Jolie. You sorry bitch. I heard you telling Katie Couric that there was nothing between you and Brad and you wouldn't know why Jennifer Aniston would be mad. Shame on you. You lied to all of us. You better watch your back. Karma's a bitch. Believe that. Watched a good movie yesterday. The Stepford Wives. I thought it was great. I heard that it had gotten some bad reviews about how morbid it was (and yes it was morbid and a little like Stanley Kubrick, although that is hard to compare.) But I thought it was delightfully macabre and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Another movie like that is called But I'm a Cheerleader, where they do an intervention on this little cheerleader girl because they think she is gay (and she is) so they send her off to like, gay rehab, where they try to make you not-gay. Is it wrong that the girl in rehab that she falls in love with is so beta-male that she turned me on a little? When I think things like that it makes me feel dirty. haha. Watched Romeo and Juliet with Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes. DiCaprio was a cutie back in the day. But the problem I have with that whole story is that Romeo was too emotional. Mercutio too. They were all out of their minds. Benvolio was the only one with any sense, too bad he was ugly. I am just not attracted to a guy who is that emotional. Sensitive maybe, but emotionalism makes poor decisions. If you wanna see what I mean, read the play or watch the damn movie.

Jam for the day: Ramble On by Led Zeppelin

Friday, October 07, 2005


So I went out tonight. It's cold for the first time this season so I put on my boots and my sweater. It smelled like the best times of my life outside. But then I drank too much Riesling and so now I feel kinda shitty. I have a bad tendency towards that. But I got to hang out with one of the best of friends. So it was a good night. I have to go to bed soon because I have a friendly date to watch the Red River Shootout tomorrow morning. This is the first time I've had a date (friendly or not) to watch that game since He broke my heart. Wow. That's been a long time ago now. Five years. And I'm back in our old stomping grounds. Things come full circle, don't they? I ran into a friend of a friend the other day that said that he'd seen Him at wherever the fuck. Dollar Burgers/Dollar Beer sounds like a good idea but it's really not worth it. Note to self: Avoid San Marcos at all costs. I would do nearly anything to ensure I never cross His path again. Either way, I'm lonely in the city tonight. But if Texas beats Oklahoma tomorrow like they're predicting then this town will literally go nuts and I will have to get me some of that shit. No doubt about it. That's how I roll.

Jam for the day: Travelling Riverside Blues by Led Zeppelin

Thursday, October 06, 2005

In Praise of Government

On the founding fathers attitude towards war protestors:

"It's called having your cake and eating it too...
We're a nation that says one thing and does another"
-Eric Cartman

South Park episode #100 I'm a Little Bit Country


My mom said that my dad told her he would miss me. I was surprised he said "goodbye" when I left. After all that. I guess things are cool. That makes me happy. Maybe one day he will understand that I had to do this for me.

Jam for the day: The Chain by Fleetwood Mac

Serenity Now

So I finally went and exercised today. I walked down South Congress and around Travis Heights. Travis Heights is this quaint little neighborhood with small but really expensive houses. There is foliage everywhere. I think most of the people that live there are environmentalists, probably professors. That is a big thing here. The city buses even have bike racks on them. In Travis Heights there are stop signs with birdfeeders hanging off the back on sconces. Austin is a pretty unique town. There are trendy boutiques and patio restaurants and tiny clubs all up and down the strip. And the weather today is absolutely divine. Texas lives for days like this. I dropped my application and resume off at Freebirds World Burrito today. Freebirds is this cool place that is like the Subway of burritos. You walk down a line and pick out exactly what you want in a burrito the size of a coke can. Brilliant. It's not a career choice, but I need a job in a hurry. People are counting on me. And it's SO close to the apartment, I could walk to work. And there are lots of young people that work there. The manager said he needed people to work during the day and I said I could and he said that's great. So I am hoping I get the job. I am a little worried about the job search because I have some black marks by my name. (You can fill in the blanks, because whatever you could imagine is probably more fabulous than the truth.) So I might be facing a bit of rejection here and there. I am trying to stay positive about things, but be prepared to hear me whining about whiny shit in the near future. But I am going to stay true to myself (that is why I started this thing) so I am going to record everything. Failures and all, however ashamed I may be. This is the most exciting time of my life. I have to remember that it won't last forever, and cherish it for all that it is, and all that it may or may not become.

My life has improved 100%


I know this is gay but it's been going around so I thought on it and decided that it's time to open up. Because I'm know. Ha!

1. What is your full name now? I'll never tell. You already know. But interesting paradox: my first name is Irish for whore. Seriously. ha!
2. What color trousers are you wearing? sea green
3. What are you listening to right now? the sound of a helicopter flying over
4. What was the last thing you ate? canadian bacon and mushroom pizza
5. Do you wish on stars? when it's important
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? dusty rose
7. How is the weather right now? Sunny, 75 degrees and a light breeze
8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? My best friend, Danielle. holla!
9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Sure
10. How old are you today? 23 going on 30
11. Favorite soft drink? Dr. Pepper!
12. Favorite sport? College Football
13. Hair color? dark brown with violet undertones
14. Siblings? 1 younger brother
15. Favorite food? Taco Bell bean burritos with no onions and with sour cream
16. What was the last movie you saw? The Forty Year Old Virgin
17. Favorite day of the year? Daylight Savings Time in the fall
18. What was your favorite toy as a child? My Bear is my favorite, but I played computer games a lot.
19. Summer or winter? I want to say winter, but maybe summer if I lived somewhere cooler.
20. Hugs or kisses? You have to pick one?
21. Chocolate or Vanilla? Blue Bell Homemade Vanilla. It's the best thing about Texas by far.
22. Do you want your friends to email you back? Why would I email them and not want a response?
23. Who is most likely to respond? Jessica
24. Who is least likely to respond? The peeps that already did it.
25. Living arrangements? I live in an apartment near downtown Austin with a guy from my hometown. No, it's not like that.
26. When was the last time you cried? Last Tuesday.
27. What is under your bed? I don't know, it is not my bed.
28. Who is the friend you have had the longest? Erin 1L
29. What did you do last night? drank strong red wine and watched Southpark and Sex and the City
30. Favorite TV shows? Seinfeld, Sex and the City, That 70's Show, Desperate Housewives, My Name is Earl, and Southpark.
31. What are you afraid of? Thunder, Aliens, Bees, and the Apocalypse
32. Plain, buttered or salted popcorn? fat-free buttered
33. Favorite car? A navy blue Mini Cooper with a white roof and chrome trim
34. Favorite Flower? I like yellow ones. But I also like lilies and tulips.
35. Number of keys on your key ring? 3--parent's house, the apartment, the storage building
36. Favorite vacations? Snow Skiing. And my Senior Trip to Disney World.
37. Three Bloggers who don't blog enough: Most of mine blog quite often. But I could use more Awfully Serious, The Casual Friday, and The Taste.
38. Six friends who you are tagging: I met Chris at the Bright Eyes concert, and then there's Jessica and Dave. I once spoke to Yossarian, but other than that I don't personally know any bloggers.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Lady in Red

So how are you liking the new minimalist style I'm rocking? It's but a condition of environment. The computer wants nothing to do with uploading pictures to blogger. So just chill. You've got to stop eating pizza and ice cream for dinner. It's going to kill you. Along with everything else. Pick your poison. Open Pandora's Box. See what happens. No don't--I'm just kidding. Will someone send me some money? Plastic Surgery is an option for all of us with enough cash flow. Then we can add ourselves up and calculate what we're worth, right? Is that really the way it works? Isn't it? Mike Judge is the bomb. Shoutout to Richard Linklater. Too much television. Haven't listened to music in a couple of days. I welcome winter with open arms. I don't think I've ever wanted something like I want the winter. What if you started a personal coaching service? Like if I wanted a coach, where would I hire one? I need someone to be my coach. This fuckin guy on Conan sucks. You can look as good as Christmas but if you're boring, move along. I can't stand those guys. I plan on living every cliche possible. You dare me to? Cause I'm crazy enough to do it. I wanna be the girl in the bookstore. The girl in the coffee shop. The girl on the bus. Ever the romantic. It makes me can I discontinue this behavior? This shit is not acceptable. I have learned the hard way that it does not work like that. It will work how I make it work. I guess this is how Scarlett O'Hara got the way she was. So if you see a short, bright-eyed girl in a coffee shop/bookstore/bus (and maybe a club or three) in Austin, tell Scarlett I said "Hello."

Is this it

I did it! I wrote the resume, and printed it out on pretty white paper. Now I have to get ready to interview. Finish cleaning the house, do my nails, and get a bus pass and a cell phone. Wow. This is getting pretty intense. The moment of truth is en route. There will be several on the way. Some will come sooner than later. Some will not come at all. I need new clothes. I need to be cuter. Sometimes I wonder how I will be able to pull this off. Because I have nothing. Really. Well I have more stuff but it is spread all over the state in various places. But when I look around me I see everyone else's things. That gets old after awhile. Most people have okay stuff. But it's not yours. It starts to hurt after so long. It's a low, creeping ache that makes you want to destroy it all. Fuck it all. The self-destruction vomits anger and pity. A toxic combination.

Watched an interesting movie with a shitty title today. I heart Huckabee's. Yes that is actually the name of this movie. I am a bit of a scholar in existentialism, and I really enjoyed the presentation of the philosophy in this film. I think it hit the nail on the head. I wish I could take something away from a movie like I could in the past, but I think my heart is black these days. Well maybe slate-colored grey. I am cold or something. I need someone to kiss my neck. I need that little bit of heat. It's like I'm suspect of the fire and I stay in the corner where I have felt comfort in my icy cotton blouse and frozen denim jeans. I don't need the fire. The most warmth I'll ever feel will be under a sweater anyway. I need to be held. But I digress...

Seinfeld is perhaps the best television show ever.

Resume Blues

I have been sitting around the house for the past couple days. This apartment was beyond unclean. But you see that is the deal. I get to stay here if I clean up. So I am happy to. Really I couldn't have stayed the way that it was, heh. To be fair though, the maid hasn't been here in two months. What if you had had a maid in college? Wouldn't that have been awesome?? Well now I am the maid...ha! It will be easy once I finish the initial round. The worst is almost over. But it has made me too sedentary. I have been able to catch up on my favorite soap opera Passions. Passions is like, the most retarded show you'll ever see. Its done in the style of the Mexican soaps and is pretty much a hilarious parody of itself. I used to be slightly obsessed with it. It brought joy to my life. But I've got to find the fitness center tonight, or run around downtown. Ugh, running. I am so out of shape I don't know if I still can...heh. If anyone has any tips on how to build your stamina easily and effectively, PLEASE advise. I have always been the pits at running. But what I need is a tennis racket and partner. Speaking of partners...when you are the new girl in town, where is the best place to hang out and meet people? Anyone got any tips on how to talk to a guy?? Maybe someone out there has done this before...I have not, and I am kind of at a loss at how to go about starting things up. I am very friendly but I am oftentimes alone and that makes me feel somehow...underconfident. Suggestions welcome.

What is wrong with a person who cannot seem to write their own resume?

Monday, October 03, 2005

No Subject

Man I have been watching some really good movies lately. Why haven't I always had satellite television with all the premium channels? I've almost finished watching Sylvia, about Sylvia Plath. Gwenyth Paltrow may be a tad pretentious, but she is a good actress. I can't decide whether I think she is great-looking or ugly. Kinda like Sarah Jessica Parker. But I think Sarah Jessica Parker's personality makes her cuter. Saw Garden State last night. Zach Braff is officially the bomb. Great music too. The Cosby Show is on. I've got to start waking up earlier.

Am in the process of writing a resume. If anyone has any good ones I could look at to get some formatting ideas I'd sure appreciate a look. Email me.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Counting Chickens

This is the third time I've tried to do this post, as I am having frustrations with Internet Explorer. That is also why I'm not posting a picture at this time. So today I walked to the park to attend Lance Armstrong's party for Austin. Today is the 10th anniversary of his diagnosis of cancer. So he threw a party to show his appreciation for Austin's support, with Sheryl Crow performing. I love Sheryl Crow, so I was pretty excited. Highlights included:

Lance Armstrong's daughter dancing on stage with Sheryl Crow (her soon-to-be stepmom if you hadn't heard.)

For the last song, Lance came out and played drums. They played a ZZ Top song.

There is a kind of...movement to convince Lance Armstrong to run for Governor of Texas. He is bashful about it, but he seems a bit interested in the idea. So when asked if she would like to be (Texas) First Lady, Sheryl said, "Let's skip the governorship and go all the way! If I'm gonna get a big house, I want the BIG house!" That amused me.

Sheryl Crow performing Black Betty. It's always heartening to see a woman rock.

My favorite part was when Sheryl played Strong Enough and dedicated it to Lance. There are several ironies within that. I enjoyed every one of them.

So I am here, here am I.

On the way to Austin my bus stopped in Houston. I rode with a lot of peeps that are revacuating (yes that's an original word) to New Orleans and Beaumont and Houston. I thought I had seen some shit, but I was thoroughly appalled by the leper colony that is the Houston main bus terminal. Every fool in there was worrisome and suspect. Other than that it was a fine ride. I was ready to get the hell outta there.

Started reading Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas yesterday. Really like it so far. Maybe a little too much drugs for even me. It's funny the ways drugs play a role in your life. Watched Boogie Nights for the first time in several years and added it to my list of favorite movies. What an amazing cast. The part where Rollergirl (Heather Graham) calls Amber (Julianne Moore) her mother is perhaps the finest cinematic event I've ever witnessed on film. Indeed.

Check out Awfully Serious and run up that hill.

Jams for the day: Strong Enough and All I Wanna Do by Sheryl Crow