All of a sudden I know what to do with my life. Check it. I'm serious. When I was in jail, I really got into watching Oprah. I thought it was dorky, but you can't control what's on tv in there most of the time. I fell in love. I looked forward to that show every day. Oprah is my number one hero. She keeps it real. She talks about shit on her show that most people won't touch with a ten foot pole unless they are making fun. And she's always good. She's true about her own life. She has, and she gives. She fucking makes people's dreams come true. She's even launched a private campaign to catch child molesters, and has caught several since the start of the program for god's sake. I just spent an hour crying cathartically at Oprah telling the most wonderful stories I've ever heard. In jail the women would always talk about the letters they were going to write to Oprah so she could make their dreams come true. I always thought I should write a letter. I mean, I'm a spoiled brat and all, but I do have a sob story myself. But you can't fool Oprah. She will know if you're just in it for a new fucking car. I love Oprah because you can see the real thrill she gets out of bringing joy to others. I get the same kick. Just as much kick as I ever got from drugs. That's why I actually really like my shitty customer service jobs--because I really do enjoy helping other people. In fact I often go beyond scope to help someone, to hell with the floor manager's bitching. If I can help someone, I'm going to. More than once I've wished I was Oprah just so I could build someone a house, or give them a car, or make their wildest dream come true just because. And so it hit me today: I know what I will write Oprah! First, I've got to finish recovering from my drug addiction (not discussed in this blog, but still very much an issue) and then I've got to finish my bachelor's degree in communications, which I love. In fact, I wanted to be in broadcasting. But I'm working--IN communications--and it sucks. It's just a job. How will I ever make a career out of these shitty jobs?? The only chance I have is to find a job that I truly love. A job I care about as much as myself. A job I believe in. I think that's what constitutes a career. And with no husband, a girl needs a career! What I truly love, what I care about, what I believe in, is joy. Happiness. That look on someone's face when you've given them what they so desperately need and desire. What if Oprah let me help her do her good work?? What if I could help her make people's wildest dreams come true?? What an awesome job! I could work on the show, or the magazine, the fucking book club, the Angel Network--all that is right up my alley. That would be the shiz. So I'm thinking, if I make it, I mean if I can actually beat the odds and stay clean and finish school, become an "upstanding" citizen, then I could write Oprah that she's been my inspiration throughout, from the bottom to the middle, and if I could only work for her, work to help make other people's dreams come true, work for the greater good of social consciousness, then that would in turn make my ultimate dream come true--loving others, loving myself, and loving life. Because that's all I really wanna do. Then I could be on top. Then I could have something to believe in. I think Oprah will understand and appreciate that and give me a job, don't you?
And that's good enough reason for me. Chicago, here I come!
So on Friday Danielle came into town and we went to see Nine Inch Nails. I hadn't been to a big arena rock concert in too long (Rolling Stones, 2003) and it did my soul good. There is just something about the majesty of rock and roll. The lights, the smoke, the smashing of guitars... (yes--he actually smashed the guitar.) It was like magic. Short set, but Reznor was right on. One of my managers is in the NIN fan club and was up front and ended up getting her arms around him during the concert when he went down into the crowd. She was all bruised up and so fucking elated over it. I was happy for her. The next night we hung around the house watching the news and just being generally lazy. We finally left the house to go get drinks at my favorite bar. Ego's is the most awesome dive bar ever. Whoever is playing determines the crowd that night, and it's been different every time I've been. It's like a study in sociology. Anyway there was this really good alt-country band that could really wail on their guitars. It is hard for me to have too bad a time to this kind of music for whatever reason. Then two couples got out on the tiny dance floor and started two-stepping, and they were really really good. The flashy kind of two-stepping that reminds me of my parents. With the music, and the atmosphere, I felt like I was an extra on a movie set. It was just so picturesque. Those are my favorite moments in life. Afterwards we went back to my house to hang out with my friend Aaron after he got off work. Aaron is from my hometown. He is in nearly about every story I could tell you about that place. Earlier that night, I had gotten a message from Joey. He was in town visiting his brother again. We made plans for him to come over and hang out with us. Danielle and he are close because they were roomates back in College Station (after Joey and I were broken up for good.) In fact, that's how I met her. Anyway, while we were all sitting in my living room laughing and watching late night television, I stepped back for a moment to examine the situation. I caught myself resting my arm on Joey's leg quite a bit. Not because I was flirting with him at all, but because it was just so comfortable. He is just as I remember him. I can't help but love him to death. He will make some woman a good man someday. But here I was, with 3 of my oldest and best friends. After going to hell and back. In starting my new life, I had accepted the fact that I would just have to give some things up. Number one on the list was a relationship of any kind with Joey. I just figured there was no way. It's nice to know that people still care about you, and some things never change. I never thought I'd have those comfortable moments with the friends you consider your family again. It had been too long, inside and outside of jail...I imagined friends had changed, like everything else in my life. I imagined wrong. Things come full circle. Life comes full circle.
I just got finished watching the movie Bring It On from start to finish. You know, the one with the cheerleaders. I have never been so entertained by the USA network. I laughed my ass off. I should have known it was gonna be great if Kirsten Dunst was in it. I just have this thing for great actresses in well-written movies. Highly recommended.
Kinda like a cloud I was up, way up in the sky And I was feeling some feelings you wouldn't believe Sometimes I don't believe them myself and I decided I was never coming down Just then a tiny little dot caught my eye It was just about too small to see But I watched it way too long It was pulling me down. I was up above it I was up above it I was up above it Now I'm down in it So what, what does it matter now I was swimming in the haze now I crawl on the ground And everything I never liked about you is kind of seeping into me I try to laugh about it now but isn't it funny how everything works out "I guess the joke's on me" she said. I was up above it I was up above it I was up above it Now I'm down in it I used to be so big and strong I used to know my right from wrong I used to never be afraid I used to be somebody. I used to have something inside Now just this hole that's open wide I used to want it all I used to be somebody. I'll cross my heart and hope to die But the needle's already in my eye And all the world's weight is on my back and I don't even know why What I used to think was me is just a fading memory I looked him right in the eye and said "goodbye." I was up above it I was up above it I was up above it Now I'm down in it.
I am worried about my karma. Last week, starting Sunday, something fucked up happened every day...not huge things, I mean I wasn't arrested or anything, but lots of little money problems arose and I had some major inconveniences that really stressed me the fuck out. It was just all too ironic. I have had bad karma from a situation similar to what happened with Jesse, and it was just awful. My karma is finally back on track. ...I simply can't afford to fuck it up again. But Monday rocked. And yesterday was even better. I actually thought of a way to fix all the shit that happened last week. I am either a goddamned genius or the luckiest motherfucker alive. But is there really that much difference between the two? I don't know. Now that my luck has changed, I wonder if last week was just some kind of karmic slap on the wrist or if I'm overanalyzing. I'm not sure what to make of it all. I think I'm going to take a shower.
Another wild weekend. So I went down to the festival and saw all kinds of stuff. My Chemical Romance played a free show and you should have seen all the kiddies in their black clothes and their white faces and their painted red eyes. It was almost hilarious. I actually ran into Chris walking down the street. It was really nice to see an old friend, almost like I'd seen him yesterday. He told me that being sober looked pretty on me. One of the best compliments I've received. Anyway, we chatted until he had to go meet with some record company exec. So I walked down to the bar for Happy Hour and chatted up the cute bartender and proceded to get very drunk on $2 Cape Cods. We were making fun of all the bands that looked exactly like Jet. And they did. Anyway, once Happy Hour ended, I went back to find Chris, who was busy, so I hung out with his friends, and made friends with this girl who I suspect is his girlfriend. So much for shaving my legs! It never fucking fails. But that was cool with me. I had a really good time with all the peeps from College Station. But then I got sick. So I went out to look for some pizza but that shit is so overpriced downtown. So I just kept walking until I eventually found myself at Freebirds begging for some free food. Ha! It was really slow, so I'm just standing there all drunk staring at the menu trying to figure out what I'm going to eat, as I have a hard time shoving a burrito down my throat these days. So I'm standing there and a customer comes in, and it's this waiter from Olive Garden that made me laugh on my birthday while I was at work. Because everyone is my bestest, oldest friend when I am drunk, I turn and am all like, "WHAT'S UP?!?" He's just gotten off work. We start talking, and we eat together, and we end up going to his house and chilling for like 3 hours, just laughing and talking and smoking. It was awesome because there was no real flirting or anything, no sexual tension, it was just friendly. And we had so much fun. I mean, he watches Nascar for god's sake. It was like I'd known this guy my whole life. An old friend and a new friend in just one night.
So Saturday I get to work and Rob informs me that the rumors are true. Jesse has been promoted and is moving to another location. HUGE bummer. Perhaps he knew something I didn't know last weekend. I went outside to smoke and muse over this development when he comes out to talk to me. I told him that I had heard something that made me very sad. He told me we'd still see each other. Then he just looked at me and says the fucking cutest thing I've ever heard. He says "I'm feeling emotion!" and throws his arms around my neck. It's things like this that make me want to know this guy better. So by the end of the night we have made plans to go out in one week. We will see how that goes. This could mean several things, all of which I have speculated on, and none of which return a happy ending. After being away from him for a week though, and seeing him again, it was kinda hard to take. I wanted him to pull me aside and kiss and hold me again. Not that there's not plenty of hugging and touching and shit going on anyway, but now that I've had more, I need more.
Jam for the Day: Pretty Hate Machine (in it's entirety) by Nine Inch Nails
I have the day off today so I think I'll do something fun. After I go take care of a little unpleasant business at the bank, I'm gonna walk down Sixth and check out the South by Southwest Music Festival. This is one of those huge indie music festivals that lasts pretty much all week long. There are 500,000 extra peeps in town, and about 95% of them are hotties. It is like Houston after Katrina but decidedly more attractive. I was already planning on doing this today since I have the day off and since one of my favorite bands, Tilly and the Wall, is playing tonight. I don't have a wristband, but I figure it will be worth going down there even just to scope the guys. Then last night I got an aim from this guy I used to sleep with years ago. His name is Chris, and he plays guitar for this metal band called Linus. He is actually really, really good. He lived with me for a while when I found out he had nowhere else to stay. I had an extra bedroom, though he never slept in it. I rationalized that if I were ever in a similar situation (i.e. sleeping in my car) I would hope someone would help me out (and eventually they did.) Anyway, it was a really cool couple of weeks in the summer of 2002. Chris was playing guitar when he wasn't at work or helping me with chores, and I would draw and paint, etc. while he played. There was something that really connected us by doing that. Making art with someone is very intimate. So when we were done making art downstairs, we would usually end up making art upstairs. It was never a relationship, it was just ...cool. Then one night I woke up in the middle of the night and he was gone. I found a note. I still have it. He wrote that he had to go. He wrote that he had to make amends with his past. He wrote that the people you need, you bounce into. I was terribly upset. I never thought I'd see him again. I moved away later that winter--everything had gone horribly wrong. About a year later, I was back in College Station, and imagine, things were not going well for me. I was really thinking about quitting school and just moving back home with my Mom to live a sad and boring existence. But Danielle called, and told me she was taking me to see this Led Zeppelin cover band in town from Seattle that night. Awesome. I love Zeppelin. At the show, I was up front, and this guy taps me on the shoulder, and guess who? Chris. Since then we've spoken once or twice, but we've never been "friends" again. So out of the blue he aims me and apparently they are playing tonight in a showcase and he REALLY wants me to come. Hmm. I wonder what is on his mind? Either way, I will not be caught off-guard for the 3rd consecutive weekend! I will shave my legs this time!
When masturbation's lost it's fun you're fuckin lazy...
In the morning when I wake for work, I roll out of bed after hitting snooze 2-3 times, and fall into my chair and check my email. First thing, every day. This morning I had a rude awakening. It was asserted that I should be executed without trial for my actions this weekend. I was aghast at the idiocy of this notion. Is that the way you think the world should work? Maybe you do. But you might want to consider your position on morality and guilt, because your time will come. I'm confident of that. But as the day wore on, and as it stands now, I could reeeeeallly give a shit about what anybody thinks about my hook-up. For real. I don't feel I need to defend it, and guess what? I'm not going to. You can paint me any color you like...I prefer black with a big pink letter "A" across my breast. Cool?
What we did together was very intimate and it's hard for me to be negative about it even given the imperfect situation. But it was the moment and we shared it, and it's those moments that make life worth living. I can honestly say I still believe that, even after everything I've been through. This is how I've always lived my life. To feel alive. There was nothing sinister nor lascivious about our tryst. It was a beautiful thing, and I've honestly never said that about sex before because that's just dorky. But it really was. Two people came together and shared something immeasureable to anyone but each other. Jesse gave me a special gift and I him. And I will treasure that forever. As for his relationship, that is something he must figure out on his own, as these things have a natural order. I can't help being a part of it, and that's not bullshit, because what we did together was a force of nature. There was no stopping it.
1 Judge not lest ye be judged. 2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured unto you. The Gospel of St.Matthew chapter 7
Where to start? Well, I got off work (on Saturday) and Me and Rob and Emilie cruised down to Sixth to this bar called Jackalope. Apparently it is Ricky's favorite, and I could see why right away. There are pictures of naked ladies all over the walls. Not like porn, but like an old-west tavern or something. And Ricky likes the naked ladies. Anyway, while at the bar we drank ourselves silly and sang real loud, etc. Took lots of pictures. You know, all the things you do in bars. Then afterward we all went to Ricky's house to chill. Remember how I was anticipating an incident with Rob? Well, he surprised the shit out of me by talking to Em all night long, which was really fine by me, but I was on my own. At least for a while. When 5am rolled around, everyone was still having a great time, but Jesse and I had to work that night. So we cut out. Now instead of Rob taking me home, it was...Jesse. The one I have the hots for. Supa-fine man meat. Wow, says I. When did I get so lucky? We are both drunk, and we get to my house, and I am about to get out of the car, and he says, very earnestly and very softly, "I'm not done with you yet" and looks deep, deep into my eyes. Talk about instant horny, as if I wasn't there already. Before I knew it we were a blur of hair and hands and barely able to make it inside. But we did. And then he proceded to make love to me. Not that it was about love, but it wasn't necessarily about fucking. Which made me happy, because as much as I enjoy fucking, a girl needs to be made love to every now and again. And on my birthday too! It was exquisite. So nice to be held throughout the night. So nice to be kissed on the lips with ...passion. So nice to have hands in my hair and everywhere else. So nice to smell him on my pillow after he left. In the morning, with the sun shining on us, I awoke with a minor hangover and this super-hot guy in my bed. I get up for some water. I come back to bed, he reaches for me. I smile. He runs his hands over my hips and to the back of my leg and then did something that no one has ever done, and I would have never thought of. He squeezes my hamstring. I don't know where in the world he learned that, but it was like flipping the horny switch. And so again, in the morning, my favorite time for coitus. It was like a birthday dream come true.
So if you've been reading along with me the past few months, you probably have several questions concerning this specific hook-up. Yes, we work together. He asks me, "Are we gonna be cool?" I laugh and say, for sure... "We just have the most awesome secret ever." "I'm pretty good at keeping secrets." "Me too." Test: We worked together last night. Everything's cool. It's just the most awesome secret ever. Smiles mean so much more now. And Yes, he's got a girlfriend. She's out of town for Spring Break. I guess that was her folly. This is a situation that I've personally never come across before. And yes it's totally cheating. But I do not know her from the man in the moon, and it would be completely different if I did. And apparently she's not giving it up to her man so he had to come to me. Hey, I didn't make things the way they are, I was just in the right place at the right time, for me anyway. And it's not like I'm trying to steal him away from her at all. But she'll be gone all week long...
This hook-up was a long time coming based upon the way he's been looking at me for the past 5-6 months. And I'm glad it came.
Tonight some high school chick hollered at me hanging out of a pink stretch limo, driving by the bus stop. How's that for random? It's not even Prom.Fuck. Is it?
I catch myself looking at babies all the time. They are so very interesting. What the fuck is wrong with me?If I wanted a kid I could have had one.
This coked-up old-school rocker talked me up on the bus and was talking about how he's friends with one of the guys from The Butthole Surfers, and how that guy was in rehab with Kurt Cobain before he escaped and killed himself. He told it in such detail, and I know the story so well because I've really read up on all that shit, I think I actually believe him. Maybe I just want to. He proceded to tell me another story about when he saw Veruca Salt open up for Hole that I was familiar with also... Either a wacko liar, or a really cool cokehead. One of the two, never can be too sure about the difference between those. Ha.
Check out the new place. Lots of new links and shit. I decided that if I'm going to do this I'm going to fucking do it. Right? It's just delight for your boredom.
Because tomorrow is my birthday, there will be a celebration. Well it will be a joint celebration with my birth-mate Ricky. I love this fucker. He makes me so happy. When we work together he makes me laugh so hard I nearly piss my pants every time. And we both work tomorrow. So afterward our whole crew is going to this bar to get wasted. It's just the truth. But Ricky gets off at 10 whilst I have to close. With Rob. The other night Rob came over to my house with Travis to tune my guitar so I can learn to play it. Rob and Travis are in a band called Pocket Full of Deng (I don't know what it means, they don't either) and Rob plays drums. I have mentioned him before. He is really cool, and the first guy I've met in ages that is actual boyfriend material. (Whatever that means.) He was even an Eagle Scout if you can believe that. His band has an EP coming out this month and they have a small gig during the South by Southwest Music Festival. Anyway, we were really flirting. And then again tonight. Since Rob and I close tomorrow, he's my ride to my party. And you know what that means. That means he's going to be the one "responsible" to take me home. Now this puts me in a pickle. I don't know how much I like Rob but he's sweet and I'm attracted to him. But I work with him. But I want to be with someone so bad! And what if I pass up something that could be wonderful? Danielle pointed out that I won't work there forever. This is true. And I would only maybe work with him twice a week the way my schedule is. So imagine, tomorrow night...I will be drunk, for sure, being taken home by a guy I have a bit of a crush on, that I believe has a bit of a crush on me. What could two crazy kids do? Something crazy. And just think of the rumors! I'd like to think that I'm above all that shit, at my age. (ha.) But my best hook-ups have been within the "group." That's just I how I roll. I don't know what I'm going to do! I feel almost certain a situation will come up if I act like I want to act. I can't pretend I'm not excited as hell. Is this a time I should play it safe (a first for me) or should I practice what I preach and follow my heart? Or follow my body? Is that okay?
I am of the mind to say 'fuck it.' Que será, será, right?
The rain, it started tapping on the window near my bed There was a loophole in my dreaming, so I got out of it And to my surprise my eyes were wide and already open Just my nightstand and my dresser, where those nightmares had just been So I dressed myself and left then, out into the grey streets But everything seemed different and completely new to me The sky, the trees, houses, buildings, even my own body And each person I encountered, I couldn't wait to meet Then I came upon a doctor who appeared in quite poor health I said "There's nothing that I can do for you, you can't do for yourself" He said "Oh yes you can, just hold my hand. I think that that would help" So I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt-- He said, "I think I'm cured. No in fact, I'm sure... Thank you Stranger, for your therapeutic smile" So that's how I learned the lesson that everyone's alone And your eyes must do some raining if you're ever gonna grow But when cryin' don't help, you can't compose yourself It's best to compose a poem An honest verse of longing or simple song of hope That's why I'm singin' "Baby don't worry cause now I got your back" And every time you feel like crying, I'm gonna try and make you laugh And if I can't, if it just hurts too bad Then we'll wait for it to pass And I will keep you company On those days so long and black And we'll keep working on the problem we know we'll never solve Of Love's uneven remainders, our lives are fractions of a whole But if the world could remain within a frame like a painting on a wall Then I think we'd see the beauty then And stand staring in awe At our still lives posed Like a bowl of oranges Like a story told By the fault lines And the soil
I tried not to do this, but I'm taking a cue from Dirk the Feeble and not letting my sense of marketing get in the way of my emotion and artistry. I am crying. Real tears. And I don't know why. Yes I do. I just don't know why now. I was fine a moment ago. I was at the grocery store buying granny smith apples. And then it hit me when I got home to my beautiful, but empty, house. I am so lonely. I have nothing to live for, save Dinah. I work two shitty jobs and all I've ever been is a disappointment to everyone I ever cared about. Joey told me all about his new life. The girl hes got now sounds like the girl I should have been for him. I was very happy for him, because he deserves it. I suppose that's why I am alone now. Because that's what I deserve. It just hurts so much because I am finally capable of being that woman that I always wanted to be. I am so close. But it's like it's too late or something. I fucked up, and nobody cares what I do anymore, for good or ill. I write this shit, and ya'll read it, but nobody cares. I work my ass off for everything I have, but nobody cares. I try to play things off like I don't care either but the truth is I care so much I just go numb. Because I had to. I had to get by somehow. And I suppose that's still the case today. I have to pretend that I don't care about this, or about that, or about you. Supposedly I only care about myself. That is the most untrue statement I've ever made. I didn't mean to lie, I just thought I could convince myself that I didn't need anyone else. But I was lying, and I knew I was lying...I just hoped that if I could make myself believe that I didn't care, it would come true. I thought if I could make myself believe that no man would ever want me, then it would be easier to deal with when it happened. I thought if I could make myself believe I was ugly, I wouldn't be so disappointed when I wasn't as pretty as the other girls. Because I will never be any of those things, but my fucking spirit just won't seem to let me quit trying. I wish I could just quit. I don't want this anymore. I want purpose, I want love, I want companionship. I also want to give these things to you.
I love... My bionic eyes I love... My crystal vision If there's anybody out there Baby I'm not gonna miss 'em I watch the years go by These are the same old guys I never had any use for Beyond the feeling of pleasure Or the thrill of the fight... I scored again last night... I said thanks for the drinks Nice party Then I turned out the light I've got timing and attitude That can get to the baddest dude That's when I hypnotize them With my bionic eyes...
It's easy... In the beginning When I can dazzle them All night Make 'em do what you want 'em to Get 'em running after you It's just the same old guys Wearing the same old ties
As I got older I had to step out of the lines And make up my own mind As I got light as a feather they got stiff as a board I can't feel any more, but I can fake it forever (I love my bionic eyes) There's a parallel nation And I'm a secret weapon Show me a man you cannot break And I will show you heaven... As I got older I had to step out of the lines And make up my own mind As I got light as a feather they got stiff as a board I can't feel any more, but I can fake it forever
Wow. I was at the pharmacy today and stopped to check out the condom isle, and was a little more than alarmed at how much longer it had been since I've had sex than I recalled. There are so many different, freaky kinds of condoms now! Like Trojan Electra "feminine" protection. This is not a female condom. I'm talking about a male condom but with a girlie twist. Supposedly they don't smell like latex. That's actually a really nice thing for the guys at Trojan to do for us. I personally really appreciate that sentiment. And some packages come with heating lubricant especially for the clit. Awesome. Scented wipes with lubrication for foreplay. Yes. But my favorites were the Trojan Mint Tingle condoms and most especially the Trojan Twisted Pleasure. First of all, hilarious name. Secondly, you've got to see how this thing works. It brings new meaning to getting screwed. And might I add that I'd love to try this thing. It looks like a juicer, or the best circus ride EVER.
Wow. I fit into my old pants today. This opens up a whole new world of wardrobe possibilities. I am finally myself again. There were times when I never thought I'd get here. My ass looks really great in these jeans. I might even try to get a boyfriend or a little sumptin-sumptin now and then.Ha!
Wow. I saw the bravest little kid on the bus today. He couldn't have been more than 7-8 years old, but I didn't see any parents around or anyone with him. My first thought was what the hell kind of parent puts their baby on the city bus by himself?! It worried me terribly, so I asked him if I could sit by him. He nodded his head but didn't speak. He knew better than to speak to a stranger. The bus was really full and loud too. An adult could have been intimidated by that scene. But the little boy just put on his poker face. And it was a good one, too. I just wanted to throw my arms around him and hug him tight and find out what was in his mind, being on the bus alone. I wanted to be his big sister. His book bag matched his shorts, and he was wearing a paper bracelet, probably from one of his little girlfriends. He had hazel eyes and hair to match. He held a paper airplane securely in his right hand. I almost couldn't take my eyes off of him, I was so amazed at his patient stoicism. He could have been 45 years old. But he wasn't. It was really refeshing. And so tragically lovely. I wanted to kiss his sweet little baby cheek and tell him it would all be okay. But I didn't. Instead I said goodbye to him as I got off the bus, and again, no reply. Good boy. I thought to myself as I walked away, that one day, that brave boy will be a brave man.
Wow. I turn 24 years of age this Saturday. Time flies.
I swear to god man. My life. Everyday. I was just lying in bed enjoying the peace and quiet when suddenly there's a knock at the door. It's the apartment manager and some maintenance men doing a routine check of the appliances. They caught me in my nightgown. I wasn't going to open the door because I wasn't expecting anyone but then they started to open it themselves so I had to act fast. I told them I had spent the night here to get some studying done because my roomates are wild partiers. And that sometimes I come here to practice guitar because it gets on their nerves. Because you see I am technically a squatter here. Thank god either Travis didn't detect any funny business or he just doesn't give a shit. I am leaning toward him not giving a shit. Because it's so obvious. But that's awesome for me. I like people who don't give a shit. So I shut the door and nearly melted into a puddle of nerves on the floor. Then I giggled myself senseless. I think it's time to get out of bed and actually do something...
Just because you're paranoid don't mean they're not after you...
I'm so far, so far away from it now That it seems like I may never know how People stay in love for half of their lives It's a secret they keep between the husbands and wives
Baby, there goes somebody's miracle Walking down the street There goes some other fairy tale I wish it could happen to me But I look at myself Wonderin' if I'm just too weak To have such faith in myself
Once upon a time I was so restless in love When things were fine, I changed my mind just because Now I see how wrong and reckless I've been Each frog has a prince just waiting inside of him
Baby, there goes somebody's miracle Walking down the street There goes some other fairy tale I wish it could happen to me But I look at myself, and I think what the hell? Maybe I'm just too naive To have such faith in myself You know I'm prayin' for it
But the queen, she likes to sit on her throne Doesn't mean you two are never alone It's just love has needs that love only knows Watch a couple stay close, it's like the bloom of a rose
I never cry out loud I keep my tears to myself But I woke up one day and I found my life had left me for someone else I guess it must be unhappy with me
Baby, there goes somebody's miracle Walking down the street There goes some other fairy tale I wish it could happen to me But I look at myself Wondering if i'm just too weak To have such faith in myself You know I'm prayin for it...
Come for the night you can sleep in my bed... And drift through my life like a dream through my head It will... It will be easy We'll make it easy... Suffice it to say that he is still my Joey.
"Each friend represents a world in us, a world not possibly born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." - Anais Nin
There is a man in my bed for the first time in ages. Of course he is passed the fuck out. I don't know why I am so nervous, but I am about to get in bed too. I hope it will be cozy and comfortable. I need to feel safe, and I always felt safe with him. It's so comforting to hear him softly snoring. I am still awake though, because I am scared. I guess need to just do it. Why am I like this?
You know how I am always saying that I never want to see any of my ex-boyfriends ever again?? Well it was true when I said it. Truth is, I don't really have anything against any of them, it's just too awkward, and there's really no point in it. There is only one (out of four) that is worth a damn anyway. In fact he is one of the only men that I really feel comfortable calling a man. This man saved my life a thousand times in a thousand ways. We were each other's firsts. We were bona-fide, make you puke, high school sweethearts. But we were cool. I was on Drill Team and quite popular, and Joey was captain of the soccer team and voted best looking his senior year, and also quite popular. We were smart and we knew how to party. Even our teachers would tell us to make sure they got an invite to our wedding. And we would always laugh and look at each other with that smile in our eyes that only lovers have for each other. And boy were we in love. Through some very hard times too. I found my identity in Joey, but once I found it on my own, it all fell apart, so very tragically. That ordeal was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I mean we were planning on marriage. Quite seriously. And I was so happy, I had actually found a guy who could and would love me. He always took care of me and he was always there for me, even when it was inconvenient for him. It was hard for him to watch me deteriorate after we broke up. Yes we stayed close friends. In fact I met Danielle through Joey. I think he still has a key to my parents' house even. I would not be half the person I am today without my Joey. But we had drifted apart a few years ago. We realized it was only best for both of us, because new girlfriends and boyfriends aren't all that friendly with exes, and I'd rather be run over by a tractor-trailer truck hauling 10 tons of East Texas pine than fuck Joey's shit up. Really. But I did speak to him back home last Easter. I had just gotten out of jail and I was terribly fat and I humiliated myself to him. I was desperate and pitiful. and I just knew, as I climbed into bed and listened to That's the Way by Led Zeppelin over and over, that I would never see my first love again. Then, earlier this evening, I noticed that Joey was actually online. I hadn't seen him online in years! I messaged him and congratulated him on his graduation from A&M. And he didn't ignore me! I just knew after how things went last Easter that it was more over than over. But maybe, just maybe, he's still my Joey down deep inside. A close guy friend once told me that if you asked any given man who he'd be more apt to think about if he were on some deserted island, that the answer would be his first, rather than say, his most recent conquest. We will see how strong that bond really is I guess, because, although he travels and lives out of hotel rooms for his new career, he just happens to be in Austin this weekend to see his brother's band play. And he doesn't have a place to stay the night. He told me to call him when I got off work. I did and he gave me concise instructions on how to make his burrito. I almost hung up the phone with a "goodbye, I love you!" simply by force of habit. Thank god I stopped myself, wouldn't that have been a fuckin disaster?! It's later now and I just talked to him so I know for sure he's coming. Oh my god. I never thought I'd see him again. When he told me over the computer that he would come see me and Dinah (who he helped raise) I just started crying. Emotional overflow. There is so much more to this story that I won't divulge, but suffice it to say I owe him my life, figuratively and literally. And after everything, that idea that he would still want to be my friend, if just now and again, just choked me the fuck up. He really is something special. He said that he was a little drunk. I told him to be careful driving. Being drunk makes things a bit interesting. It is also quite late at night. And I live by myself now. No! I have no intention of having ex-sex with Joey but I am still nervous about it. In fact I went ahead and put lotion on so I'd be soft just in case. (Yes, I am completely pathetic...but you dont want to get caught with your pants down, so to speak. ...See what I did there? Oh yeah.) Anyway, will I be able to resist his fine ass if he makes a move on me? I don't know. Wait. That's a lie. I do know. Let's just say that I doubt it very much. It would be so nice to be in familiar arms again. And he's beautiful. And he's Joey. He's been there and done that with me. But that is the real reason I am so glad to see him now. I am finally the Blush that he always knew I could be. He was there for me through so much...he didn't have to put up with all my bullshit, but he did, and he did it because he loved me. Oftentimes I doubt I'll ever find someone who'll ever even begin to love me like he did. He was my lover, my best friend, my brother, my father, and even sometimes my mother if you can believe that. And I tried my best to be the same to him. I would have been lost in the world without Joey. And when I did lose him, that's exactly where I was--lost. But the years have passed and I've found myself. No, listen to that again... I've found myself. On my own. And I know he will be so proud of me. I can't wait for him to see it all. Only he could be, because only he knows just how truly far I've come. He always told me I could do it. He was always right.
And I wanted to hold you As you made your escape But now I should have told you When your eyes were alive and awake... Always in life we all must make this mistake. And so I go it alone And the pressure is great I hold on to my own Oh please oh don't go away... And I wanted to know you Before you started to fade But I gave everything to A lie and a farce and a fake... Always in life we all must make this mistake. And so I go it alone And the pressure is great I hold on to my own Oh please oh don't go away...
All of a sudden I know what to do with my life. Check it. I'm serious. When I was in jail, I really got into watching Oprah. I thought it was dorky, but you can't control what's on tv in there most of the time. I fell in love. I looked forward to that show every day. Oprah is my number one hero. She keeps it real. She talks about shit on her show that most people won't touch with a ten foot pole unless they are making fun. And she's always good. She's true about her own life. She has, and she gives. She fucking makes people's dreams come true. She's even launched a private campaign to catch child molesters, and has caught several since the start of the program for god's sake. I just spent an hour crying cathartically at Oprah telling the most wonderful stories I've ever heard. In jail the women would always talk about the letters they were going to write to Oprah so she could make their dreams come true. I always thought I should write a letter. I mean, I'm a spoiled brat and all, but I do have a sob story myself. But you can't fool Oprah. She will know if you're just in it for a new fucking car. I love Oprah because you can see the real thrill she gets out of bringing joy to others. I get the same kick. Just as much kick as I ever got from drugs. That's why I actually really like my shitty customer service jobs--because I really do enjoy helping other people. In fact I often go beyond scope to help someone, to hell with the floor manager's bitching. If I can help someone, I'm going to. More than once I've wished I was Oprah just so I could build someone a house, or give them a car, or make their wildest dream come true just because. And so it hit me today: 
