It Had To Be You

You know how I am always saying that I never want to see any of my ex-boyfriends ever again?? Well it was true when I said it. Truth is, I don't really have anything against any of them, it's just too awkward, and there's really no point in it. There is only one (out of four) that is worth a damn anyway. In fact he is one of the only men that I really feel comfortable calling a man. This man saved my life a thousand times in a thousand ways. We were each other's firsts. We were bona-fide, make you puke, high school sweethearts. But we were cool. I was on Drill Team and quite popular, and Joey was captain of the soccer team and voted best looking his senior year, and also quite popular. We were smart and we knew how to party. Even our teachers would tell us to make sure they got an invite to our wedding. And we would always laugh and look at each other with that smile in our eyes that only lovers have for each other. And boy were we in love. Through some very hard times too. I found my identity in Joey, but once I found it on my own, it all fell apart, so very tragically. That ordeal was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I mean we were planning on marriage. Quite seriously. And I was so happy, I had actually found a guy who could and would love me. He always took care of me and he was always there for me, even when it was inconvenient for him. It was hard for him to watch me deteriorate after we broke up. Yes we stayed close friends. In fact I met Danielle through Joey. I think he still has a key to my parents' house even. I would not be half the person I am today without my Joey. But we had drifted apart a few years ago. We realized it was only best for both of us, because new girlfriends and boyfriends aren't all that friendly with exes, and I'd rather be run over by a tractor-trailer truck hauling 10 tons of East Texas pine than fuck Joey's shit up. Really. But I did speak to him back home last Easter. I had just gotten out of jail and I was terribly fat and I humiliated myself to him. I was desperate and pitiful. and I just knew, as I climbed into bed and listened to That's the Way by Led Zeppelin over and over, that I would never see my first love again.
Then, earlier this evening, I noticed that Joey was actually online. I hadn't seen him online in years! I messaged him and congratulated him on his graduation from A&M. And he didn't ignore me! I just knew after how things went last Easter that it was more over than over. But maybe, just maybe, he's still my Joey down deep inside. A close guy friend once told me that if you asked any given man who he'd be more apt to think about if he were on some deserted island, that the answer would be his first, rather than say, his most recent conquest. We will see how strong that bond really is I guess, because, although he travels and lives out of hotel rooms for his new career, he just happens to be in Austin this weekend to see his brother's band play. And he doesn't have a place to stay the night. He told me to call him when I got off work. I did and he gave me concise instructions on how to make his burrito. I almost hung up the phone with a "goodbye, I love you!" simply by force of habit. Thank god I stopped myself, wouldn't that have been a fuckin disaster?!
It's later now and I just talked to him so I know for sure he's coming. Oh my god. I never thought I'd see him again. When he told me over the computer that he would come see me and Dinah (who he helped raise) I just started crying. Emotional overflow. There is so much more to this story that I won't divulge, but suffice it to say I owe him my life, figuratively and literally. And after everything, that idea that he would still want to be my friend, if just now and again, just choked me the fuck up. He really is something special. He said that he was a little drunk. I told him to be careful driving. Being drunk makes things a bit interesting. It is also quite late at night. And I live by myself now.
No! I have no intention of having ex-sex with Joey but I am still nervous about it. In fact I went ahead and put lotion on so I'd be soft just in case. (Yes, I am completely pathetic...but you dont want to get caught with your pants down, so to speak. ...See what I did there? Oh yeah.)
Anyway, will I be able to resist his fine ass if he makes a move on me? I don't know. Wait. That's a lie. I do know. Let's just say that I doubt it very much. It would be so nice to be in familiar arms again. And he's beautiful. And he's Joey. He's been there and done that with me. But that is the real reason I am so glad to see him now. I am finally the Blush that he always knew I could be. He was there for me through so much...he didn't have to put up with all my bullshit, but he did, and he did it because he loved me. Oftentimes I doubt I'll ever find someone who'll ever even begin to love me like he did. He was my lover, my best friend, my brother, my father, and even sometimes my mother if you can believe that. And I tried my best to be the same to him. I would have been lost in the world without Joey. And when I did lose him, that's exactly where I was--lost. But the years have passed and I've found myself. No, listen to that again... I've found myself. On my own. And I know he will be so proud of me. I can't wait for him to see it all. Only he could be, because only he knows just how truly far I've come. He always told me I could do it. He was always right.

Follow up tomorrow...

Jam for the Day: Cool by Gwen Stefani