Dearest Austin,
I missed talking to you last night...I went to bed really early, like at 8 o'clock, because I'm really bothered like I was telling you yesterday, but I'm not sure by what. Most of the time I feel like I could jump out of my skin. And for no real reason even! I can only hope that rehab makes me happier like it did James in the novel. (A Million Little Pieces) 'Cause he didnt seem like he was ever gonna like it. And I don't dislike it I just--it was like that time I got high by myself in our old apartment in Austin, I fully realized the depths of my own junkiedom. In doing so I've given up or something. I was so all about being sober. Now I'm not all about anything. I'm not even all about getting high. I would rather sleep through my life. The fact is, I am never comfortable, and most of the time I want to scream bloody murder. Though I think of Austin and if I were there, working at Chevron or Freebirds, I think I would feel much the same way. Although I know there my course of action would most definately be to get high about it. I am so depressed--I must just miss you so much I don't even know what's going on because I have never missed you before--you were always there. I don't know; it's just everything. I know I will not meet any new, cool, or fun people here. I have already been there and done that like 10 years ago. I know I have nothing to look forward to. Everything is so bleak. I don't feel like I have the strength or the power to make things happen like I used to, and I guess I know where god is but I dont like it. No I fucking hate it. I don't know if I can do it all again. Help me Baby! I don't know what to do.
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