Why Not Me?

Sigh. I don't know who I am. I don't know where I am. I don't know what's the plan. I just don't know anything. This week has been up and down and up and down. Over and over and over and over. So much stress is piling up on top of me, it's pulling me down, down, down. And the dreams, oh, the dreams. All night long I had horrifying dreams. Not typically horrifying, no death, no destruction. Just utter terror...horror...fear.


The first: My family is forced to move out of our house. And my father's business. Everything had to go. No rhyme or reason, no end result. Just me screaming, bawling, "But this is all I've known for the past 15 years! This is all I have! Nooooooo!" But they just kept taking and leaving and I just kept crying and screaming and screaming.

The second: I am in a love triangle with Austin and Jason. I get caught. Jason disappears, Austin wants to keep me. Then Austin disappears. I call everyone I know trying to find him. His parents ignore my phone calls. Everyone ignores my phone calls. I'm freaking, I know he's dead or in jail. Finally he shows back up again. We are driving around Austin, but everyone we know in Austin is from Lufkin (you know how dreams can be.) We have nowhere to go, so I'm trying to call everyone, anyone for help. No one answers, no one cares. Austin disappears again.

The third: I am about to take my morning Cymbalta. While looking through the pill bottle I see several pieces of Xanax. I get excited and dump the bottle to find them. The bottle never empties. Infinate pills pour out onto the table, no xanax to be found. Frustration abounds.

Extreme highs and extreme lows. Down so low as to bring others with me. Jason, for one. He doesn't understand, I doubt he ever will. Some of the things he said to me last night have me reeling.

"I only do nice things so that I can receive gratitude and platitudes."
"My panic attacks are merely childish temper tantrums."

I will never be the one to say that I am perfect, much the opposite. I am mainly imperfect; if you've read this blog or know me at all that's the one thing you should understand. The idea that this is how he truly feels about me; about who i am; breaks my heart. It hurts because I love him so much. Everything I've done for him has been out of love.
Love.
LOVE!

Panic attacks are childish and very much a tantrum. Ask any psychologist. That does not make them any less real or any less painful. I thought he understood this about me. I've never kept it hidden, I've never made excuses for it. I thought he loved me despite of it.

Despite my problems.
Despite my pain.

Perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps I have been wrong over and over. Over and over to the point of no return. I've ruined school and relationships and maybe my own life. I don't know. Will I ever know? Or will I just be continuously, inherently...wrong?

That's how I feel. Yesterday, today.

There are some reasons I suppose. This Monday school started. Everyone's children's first day of school. All the proud Facebook and Myspace pictures got to me. Where are my children? Where is my family?? Why do those people have those things and I do not? Can't I feel the pride and the love in a child's eyes? What did I do wrong? Do I not deserve that happiness? Do I not deserve that pride? Do I not deserve that love?

Will I ever?

Even if "those" people in question have shitty lives and have done shitty things like I have, they still have that one thing that I desire so desperately...something to be proud of. Perhaps I am getting to that age. I'm done with this single life and this selfish life and this bullshit "fun." I want something real.
Real.
REAL!

Something I can put my arms around. Someone I can put my arms around. I don't think he is that something or that someone. He wants only what he wants, but I want it all. Is that such a horrible thing? Can't I have peace and fun and love...and romance too? Can't I have that? Don't I deserve it? Seems like everyone else does.

Why not me?