Doing Time On Earth

Last night I cried myself to sleep. This morning I cried before work. I feel so worthless, so unnecessary. I am perfectly miserable. Somedays are worse than others, but I need to know this is going to end. It must end, right?? I am so lonely without him. I do not fit into this town at all. Now I understand why Jr. High and High school posed such a challenge to me back then. I don't belong here. I never belonged here. Austin is the first place I've truly felt at home. It's strange. And to be so far away from what you love can kill a soul. (That's a double entendre.) I am so angry. Angry and sad is a bad combination for any addict. I want to know why god made me bipolar. I want to know why god let those awful people have sex with me when I was just a 4 year old baby. I want to know why, why, why! It makes me think he doesn't love me. Why couldn't he have made me normal so at least I had a chance? Add in the addiction and it's like I'm fucked. Doomed to mediocrity or worse. So tonight I am going to talk to my drug counselor Ms. Linda. I love her with all my heart. She is a long time Lufkinite who actually went to school with my uncle. She is a fine and wonderful Black Lady. There was much racial tension back then around East Texas, that my family actually got involved in (we were the good guys.) This is a story I think I shall relay sooner than later. Anyway she is awesome. I love her as much as I love Lois (my shrink) and I've known Ms. Linda for less than 6 months. I've been with Lois for more like 8 years. I love them both and consider them the best of friends. Ha. My shrink and my drug counselor are my best friends. Let's pretend that never happened, shall we? Anyway, Ms. Linda is moving to Dallas to be closer to her grandkids and I am so sad to see her go--I'm not done with this outpatient thing until November 1st. Since I work at the Cookie Company in the Mall, I made her a decorated cookie cake for her going away party. I am so proud of it, as it is the first one I've ever made and I'm so excited to give it to her. Don't worry about me in the aforementioned part of this mammoth paragraph, Ms. Linda will make it all better.

I look terrible in that picture; I had just gotten off work, baking cookies all day!

the poem on the cake says:
We're so sad to see you go
Because we love you Linda Jones!