Dear Kurt and Dearest Conor:

I am up late after working nine hours straight, all fucking night, and now I'm listening to Bright Eyes, but feeling rather like you, Kurt--I just wanna get high. I wanna forget all this shit. I'm so very sad, and even lonlier, tonight. I settle for White Zinfandel and funny cigarettes. And even more cigarettes after that. My lover is in the other room, in bed, wanting nothing to do with me, although I don't know why. I fear that he simply loves drugs more than me, or even himself. I'm done with that shit now though. I have to be no matter how awesome it would be to just binge for a week. Fucking aye. But fuck that. I'm so angry at myself for coming here of my own volition. Now I realize what's really going on, but I'm in too deep now. I feel so angry. Angry that I let myself fall in love when I fucking knew better. You know I knew better! God I do love him. I'm tempted to say "loved" because I don't know the man sleeping in our bed anymore it seems. It hurts so badly I shut it out. It's all I can do. Ya'll know I never drink alone--but here I am, face warm and I've got to take a piss already. I'm afraid. I'm so afraid that I know what I'm going to have to do--and I don't want to do it. At all. Fuck this shit. It's not fucking fair. It's so hard to have faith when you're smart enough to grasp the reality you've put yourself in. And the reality is that there's nothing and no one you can count on --fuck what "he" says. The universal "he." He'll always leave you and in the end all you've got is Blush and if you're lucky, a Danielle or two. But I just had to fall in love with him. I just had to. It's never going to happen is it?? Kurt, please tell me otherwise--please tell me things will be normal if I just keep believing. Tell Him that. Tell Him what you learned and what you regret. Please do it for me, because I fucking love Him. I fucking adore Him.

Conor--thank you for always knowing exactly how to say something I need to hear. You have a knack for that. I've never felt so comforted as by your voice. When you're here with me I don't feel so alone. Please stay with me until he comes back, because it's hardest to be alone when you're right with the one you want--I'm sure you understand. So stay with me until he's back to being my Austin, because he is coming back to me, you know, my Austin?? Right?
Love Always,

Blush