And For A Minute There,I Lost Myself--I Lost Myself

I went to Austin this weekend to say goodbye to the dearest of friends and to clean out my house and move back home. It was a trying weekend, to say the least. All I wanted to do were drugs because it all hurt so much. I had to explain to them all what I'd been up to the past few months, again and again so that everyone understood. I told them I loved them. I told them thank you for giving me the best time of my life. Seeing Ricky crying when I left the house broke my fucking heart. Because then I knew I had hurt the people that loved me--that I never realized. I've never thought of myself as a loveable person, and that was almost too much truth for my poor heart at the time. I, too, bawled--tears streaming--as we left Austin, and I watched the city disappear behind me in the rearview as we turned onto HWY290East. The way back home. But can you ever really go home again? I think not. My room is now a hodge-podge, mish-mash of my glorious high school years, my dim college years, and my happiest times in Austin. It's a roller-coaster of emotion just walking in there, I swear. Although I do think I'll get back to work on the mural I started on my four-panel closet door though. There's not even much left, although it's been what...8 years coming? Sigh. I am trying to be as close to god about this as possible, as this is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Letting go. I went for broke and that's exactly where I've found myself again. I just don't see any other way to live my life. Regardless I find myself in shitty situations because of some immature ideology I learned in Eleventh Grade English class. Fuck prison, I'm scared to death of Rehab. Seeing the faces of my friends when I left them and leaving my life in Austin was/is the hardest thing I've ever done. Really. I moved to Austin with my last paycheck--not much--two suitcases, and a bus ticket. And look what I built. A home for myself and Dinah. I made every dream I ever had lying in my prison bed happen, only to destroy it all as well. I found my freedom there. I regained my love in that town. Love for myself, love for life, and love for the sake of love. Not to mention I fell in love in that town. Everyone wants me to come back but it scares me. I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to be anyone else's disappointment anymore. I don't want to have it all just to lose it again. My mother and my therapist believe otherwise. But I can't help but feel that I want to give up. When we left Austin, Texas, I felt I lost a part of myself. I made myself there. Where is my identity now? It's surely not here in my hometown of Lufkin. Hometown. That's a joke. This town has changed so much, socially AND physically, I barely even know it. So I am scared. I am depressed. I am everything negative in the world. I'm gonna try everything artistic that I know to fight it though. Because that's what I am. I can thank god at this point for only one thing: Thank you for making me a fighter.