One Hell of a Hiatus

Wow. I finally have something to talk about!

Unemployed for six months, I had become extremely depressed. Let's just say I was a hot mess.

However, Danielle's bachelorette party in New Orleans and wedding in downtown Dallas WAS fuckin amazing--and totally helped me see the light again.

Jason and I broke up but stayed best friends, living together with my mom, almost like brother and sister.

Strange, yes. Normal, not at all. But it worked for us somehow this summer.

In September I got a job as the Front Desk Manager at the Holiday Inn Express here in town. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT and want to turn this "job" into a "career." I think I was made for Hospitality!

Maybe it's the Texan in me.

Jason finally got a good job, but it is out of town. Almost the moment he left for Houston, he decided he was still in love with me. Then he got transferred to rural Kentucky, installing fiber-optics. Jesus, what a bombshell. We still have the same stormy relationship, but I took him back, because things were supposed to be different this time.

I had to play out the feelings I cannot deny I still have for him. It wouldn't have been fair to either of us, or anyone we might get involved with in the future, to leave this "undone."

He is here this weekend for Thanksgiving, and somehow I feel like nothing has changed at all. I just don't feel special like a girlfriend should with their boyfriend. Maybe our past is insurmountable, I cannot tell. But suddenly now that I'm not interested in a boyfriend but in a career, my ex confesses his love for me and I've also got two other guys wanting to date me seriously.

Good God! I can't handle one, much less two or three! Will write more about this later. I'm really conflicted over it all, heh. I'm always conflicted over something.

But you knew that.

This year I am thankful for: my job, Burn Notice and Law and Order: Special Victims Unit Marathons during the week, and the E! network on weekends. The Aggies beating the Longhorns yesterday, my brother Sam's and my epic night in Dallas, Momma and Daddy, and my best friends, Danielle and Jason.

Wildflower Landscape

I finally got the courage up to dabble in the fine arts again...this is one of my first real paintings EVER, and I am really quite proud of it. It captures my favorite time of the year in Texas...springtime. Everything is alive and in living colour. Wildflowers cover country pasture-land and grow alongside highways, brightening mundane drives and reminding all of us that God is very much alive and well and at work in Life.

picture taken with camera phone

American Saturday Night

So Brad Paisley was awesome. I hadn't seen a country concert in years (much less a rodeo) and Mr. Paisley fuckin' rocked it out. He was SO hot, as he played a guitar solo I grabbed Jason's leg and squealed "I'm so horny right now!"
Awesome.

I've just been sorta lying around being lazy and depressed due to my lack of employment...I've been living in a great state of boredom.

Surprisingly, another great State, of Texas, has jumped in to help (which would be the first time for me, usually its the state of Texas holding me in prison or rehab, but what the hey--water under the bridge, right?)

My friend Rhonda has developed a nasty coke habit. So I can't hang out with her really, it's too much temptation. I feel like I'm losing a sister-friend, but I don't know what else to do, ya know? When we met, she was so against hard drugs. Now her husband thinks she's engaging in ...immoral things to get it. I have never been so disappointed. I miss my FRIEND.

Jason and I are really happy right now. I'm going through my long bipolar cycle--12 months of normal, 4-6 months of crazy. I'm in the "crazy" 4-6 months right now. So I have my good days and my bad days. The medication really helps.

My old friend Courtney is back in my life. We dated brothers in High School. She's working at a local deli and bakery called The Lunch Box and she's pretty sure she can get me on there because a girl walked out on her shift the other day and I don't know of anyone who could get away with that and NOT get fired, heh. Courtney's been talking me up and she thinks it's gonna happen. I sure hope so, because even though I got approved for unemployment (which is SUCH a big help) I've gained like 15 lbs. from sitting on my ass all day instead of moving around at work.

I have GOT to get in shape! Danielle's Fabulous Downtown Dallas Wedding is sneaking up quickly on me! Not only am I maid of honor in but my TEN YEAR HIGH SCHOOL REUNION is coming up in the fall. I've got to plan the Bridal Shower AND the Bachelorette Party. Never been in a wedding before--this is new territory--and I'm kinda at a loss.

Good God.

As for the reunion I am super excited about it really, I haven't kept good touch with many high school friends due to several precarious years in my past. It will be SO good to see them all...
The only thing is most of them have a career or are married and have not just one but sometimes two kids! Which is a bummer for me, not only do I work high school type jobs, but I don't have much to be proud of at all. I felt like if I had some darling little children, it would be completely different. My life would have so much more purpose and I would feel somehow justified in my station in life.
And the Fact is, most of the friends of mine that have had children are still as thin as they were in high school! What the fuck is that?! I have always battled my weight and I've just got to get in shape before the wedding and reunion.

I am seriously thinking about hiring my Elementary school-present best friend Kristin's husband because he's a personal trainer...
That would be the shit.

I printed out my entire blog to start the editing process for a possible book...working title: BLUSH REALITY: Confessions of a Serial Blogger. I've got 1600 pages of material. Yeah. Wish me luck, I'm gonna need it. This could be my big break, you never can tell!

Loves!

Twenty-Eight is Great!

Today is my 28th birthday. Jason and I are celebrating by driving to Houston today to go to the famed Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo to see Brad Paisley perform tonight.
Squeal!

Beans and Cornbread (and a long nap)

It's funny how traditions get started. My family isn't big on traditions, but my alma mater is. The way Texas Aggie traditions usually get started is when someone comes up with a totally brilliant (at the time) idea or when something funny happened(s).

If you live in Texas or The South in general, you most likely spend your New Year's Eve involved in much drinking, much dancing, and general debauchery.

A long-time American New Year's tradition is to kiss on midnight on New Year's Eve.

An excuse for men to make out with chicks.

An excuse for lonely women to feel special.

BRILLIANT IDEA (at least at the time...) *wink*

If you live in Texas or The South in general, you most likely spend your New Year's Day involved in watching football, and traditionally eating beans (black eyed peas, specifically) with cornbread, and boiled cabbage. For health, wealth, and good fortune.

Today I figured out the Real reason. Good fortune my ass!

It's the BEST hangover food EVER. AND you get a nap afterwards! Starch attack!

BRILLIANT idea!

Birth of a tradition.

...

New tradition proposal: Playing Wii Sports.

Brilliant idea!

Birth of a tradition?

Facade (The Sorrow Underneath)

So I have been doing okay. Really okay. Today, out of nowhere, it's hit me as a ton of bricks hits a sidewalk from faulty pulleys or worn ropes. Sorrow. (Read: Hormones.) Anyway I have no real reason to be sad, I've actually been doing lots of fun shit. In March, for 6 days mid-month, I took a Texas-Sized Road Trip with my All-Time Best Friend, Danielle. She told me on the first day in the car that she had decided and was already making plans to move to Hawaii to be with her ex who's stationed there as a cryptologist for the Navy. Of all places! Hawaii! They are getting back together and she's as happy as a clam. I know The Islands will totally suit her. She informed me she's leaving in August after her birthday. Holy Shit. From that moment on, in the car, on the street, in the club, sleeping on other people's couches, jamming to whatever crazy music we agreed on, drinking Mai Tais at lunch in the best eateries in the state--everything was more important, more urgent. I don't know how long she'll be gone. I feel confident in our friendship that it will endure the (literal) distance. She'll settle back in Texas and we'll have babies together, as women sometimes do when they're close. But Hawaii--so far away! Beyond the Continental United States! It will take much more than a Road Trip to see her then. On the other hand, I get to visit her in Hawaii. Fucking Aye. (Maybe even participate in a Destination Wedding there??? Mere speculation, of course!)

The Trip was marvelous. We left my hometown of Lufkin (in deep East Texas) and headed West to Bryan-College Station, home of our alma mater, Texas A&M University. We whizzed through town and took in the scenery along the historic El Camino Real or "the road of kings" (now State Hwy 21.) We then hit State Hwy 290 to Interstate-35 South on our way to Austin to catch a couple of the last shows at my old hang out Red Eyed Fly (where The Deng like to play) on the final night of the massive South by Southwest Music Festival, held annually. Danielle and I knew a guy from back in the day who worked Security and snuck us in. Hell Yeah! Rock on! The first performer was an awesome retro-country singer who I would have totally been a groupie for back in the 1930's. (Think Hank Williams III.) The next band was an all out rock band with a pretty, badass frontwoman and a super-hot (though barely legal) straight-up awesome lead guitarist. After that we, having had plenty to drink, were like to pass out somewhere soft. And we did.

The next day we enjoyed the amenities of Austin, my adopted hometown. There were Mimosas and Bloody Mary's for brunch at Shady Grove across from Barton Springs and Zilker Park, shopping at the trendy South Congress Shops while having Amy's Ice Cream--afterwards heading to Alamo Drafthouse Cinema to have a glass of wine and appetizers while watching the movie Juno (can you believe neither of us had seen it yet?!) Then we ate dinner at our absolute fave Austin restaurant/hangout, THE Kerbey Lane 24-Hour Diner. The next morning we hit up The Drag at The University of Texas campus and shopped the vintage shops and of course, Urban Outfitters. I got a shirt that said "Global Warming is so Uncool" and laughed about it all day. We dined on the most delicious pizza I've ever eaten at the Magic Mushroom Pizzaria there on The Drag for lunch, before heading south again through San Marcos to San Antonio for some R&R at Danielle's good friends Jacob and Hannah's apartment. As much as I adore Austin, it just reminded me of all I'd lost and all I miss and just how much I miss my own personal Austin. I wished he was there so badly.

When we got to San Antonio, we slept a lot. The weather was bad so we watched the entire first season of 30 Rock and I am hooked. I'm totally gay for Tina Fey. On my second lazy day in S.A., Austin called and told me that he found out his discharge date from the Treatment Center; and he'll be getting out April 15. Then he's got to go to Sober Living for at least 2 months. He's found a really nice place in North Austin that he thinks he can get into. So there begins Our New Life...

The next morning we got dressed early and got out to our car and all the cars in the parking lot were covered, and I mean covered, in thick dirt. As we go to driving, we noticed that it seemed like every car in town was as dirty as ours. Turned out there had been a HUGE fire in Mexico and the weather dumped all the ash on San Antonio. It was so bad we actually had to wash it before we even felt comfortable drving it. The car went from yellow to brown, and it was ugly. That's not how we roll. So on we went to The Riverwalk (where the San Antonio River cuts right through downtown) to eat lunch and drink margaritas (what else?) and see The Alamo. Neither one of us had been there in so long, we'd forgotten how truly gorgeous The Riverwalk is. Sadly I have no pics because Danielle needs to get a new memory card for her camera. But will get them up as soon as I have them, no doubt.

After a great meal of Authentic Border Mexican Food, we stuffed ourselves into Danielle's Volkswagen Beetle. Oh did I forget to mention that? We did our roadtrip in a newer model, light yellow VW Beetle. That's just how we roll. Anyway we hopped on Interstate-10 and shot like a rocket east to Houston, because we had tickets that night to see Fergie-Ferg at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo. I told you we were travelling Texas, didn't I? Anyway, after fighting rush-hour traffic, booking our hotel, dressing, and fighting the goatscrew of trafficular carnage around Reliant Stadium, we missed the entire Rodeo (which was a bummer) but got there just in time to see my girl Fergie! And boy did she put on a hell of a performance, for sure. She covered Zeppelin, The Beatles, The Stones, The Black Eyed Peas, she did most of the songs from The Dutchess, AND even rapped Will.i.am's parts. She rocked the house. Three costume changes and backup dancers and all. She performed like she wanted to be asked back next year, and we had awesome seats to see it (thanks to my old friend Hal from high school, pictured.) I'm totally gay for Fergie now, too. She's the most beautiful chick I've ever seen. my opnion she beat out Gwen Stefani at the No Doubt show I saw in 2002 for hottest rock chick ever.

We spent the night in Houston and woke up and had sweet Gulf-Coast Seafood and cocktails before heading back to Lufkin for me, and eventually Dallas for Danielle. It was a bittersweet luncheon because we both knew the end of the trip was nigh and I know I wasn't particularly thrilled to say goodbye to her, knowing the futures and the accute uncertainties of those futures right in front of us. We discussed our impending marriages, and impending pregnancies...it was a revelation for me. We are Adults. We are Women.

Sometime this idea scares the shit out of me because I'm not sure I know how to be the Woman I so desire to be. Not to mention the inevitable Identitiy Crisis that follows such a promotion, as marriage or motherhood most definately qualify. Sigh. Then I look at my finances. On paper my life is in shambles and I have no idea how/if I'm going to be able to come back from all the damage I've done to myself in the false belief that I didn't deserve the things I'd worked for and were capable of. I've destroyed my "life" to the point that I wonder what's the worth at times. I can only hope and pray that life or God himself has something in store for me because I don't know how much longer I can make it alone in this perpetual ghost-town of a home-town, absolutely starved for affection. I eat too much fried food and smoke way too many cigarettes as it is. I need to feel happy to feel healthy.

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