Sometimes you can go back home again.

This morning I woke up feeling refreshed and content. My heart is mended. I had a long overdue visit with my family, and with the friends that I consider family. It was the Lufkin of my youth. Oh, but it was different. Went to the Stadium and watched my brother walk the stage number 8 in his class. Voted LHS Most Talented. All scholared up and ready to party. Wow. And the stadium. Where many of my most cherished memories were made. Now with Astroturf. I watched my brother receive his diploma on the "jumbotron." The Valedictorian's speech made me cry. "The real world is where you always come back to; it's the people that love you--Lufkin." This is a guy whose older brother took me to Homecoming my Senior year. Yeah. I chatted with beloved teachers like old friends. And then went to the bar with the oldest of friends, one in particular in town from the Air Force. So I let him beat me at billiards. Heheh. We were mostly all together again, for the first time in years. It was just like old times, times that I imagined were gone and all but forgotten. We stayed up all night talking just like the proverbial good old days. I finally got to visit some friends at the cemetary. I left flowers for Kellie, Shea, and Matt. I know one day I will be right here with them, in the garden with all my friends and family. Maryanne even poured me my very first shot of Jagermeister this weekend. All in Lufkin. And I have this ex-boyfriend, right. We were together a few years ago, during the most fucked up time of our lives. Thus going through quite a bit together. Junkiedom, Jail, nor Houston could hold a candle to the shittiness that was the Summer of 2003. And it was complete randomness. So when it was over we both just sort of split, leaving everything undone. Now he's engaged to a wonderful girl whom I used to eat lunch with everyday in 11th grade. We hung out for most of the weekend, the three of us. It may sound bizarre but it was perfect because we are grown now and we know better. We love better. And that's why they're the friends I call my family.

While in Austin my family and I went to the Texas State History Museum. Thank god I'm from such a cool fucking place.

I went to Church on Sunday. It was time to thank God formally for answering my impassioned prayers as He did. I don't discuss spiritual matters here very much but I've made no secret to my christianity, even though I have some interesting, if not unusual, ideas on the whole matter. So bear with me. The Sunday School lesson was about "The Uncertainty of Life." A bit ironic in my situation, I thought. So I kept my ears open. Our Baptist preacher spoke on "The One Least Likely." He said that god uses people in the least likely of situations to accomplish the greatest of deeds. People like Moses and Noah. David or Joseph. Jesus. He told me that god uses the unlikeliest among us to prove to mankind that He is God. I like this notion quite a bit. No one ever put it to me like that. I also like to think that He does this to inspire the rest of the world--people like me--who are broken and fearful. Like we can channel Him in our moments of weakness. When they opened the altars for Invitation, I knelt to pray. I had so much to tell Him. I closed my eyes and lowered my head but my mind went blank and I wept. But He knew. That's why I love Him. It was the most beautiful feeling. It's the reason I'm alive.

Am going to a Buddhist Meditation class tonight with Steph. I can't effin wait.

Swing me
Way down South
Sing me
Something brave from your mouth
And I'll bring you
Pearls of water from my hips
All the love in my lips
All the love from my lips...

Jam for the Day: Truth No.2 by The Dixie Chicks

Manic Depression is a Frustrating Mess

When I boarded my plane on Wednesday, I wished that it would crash. That's about how I was feeling. Sometimes I don't know why I am alive. I have always felt that I was not made for this world, but for the next. My talents are great, but not really tangible on Earth as we know it. My love is a different kind of unconditional caring, not often found in this world. My soul is a completely different kind of spirit. I have always been kind of indifferent about my death, partly because I don't feel that anyone would miss me (and it would probably just be a relief to everyone) but mainly because I realize that my life doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things in this life, but I know that my spirit will, once I get where I'm ultimately going. So I order a cocktail on the plane. They gave it to me for free. Rock on. I slowly sipped my cape cod and watched as we made our way through and above seemingly endless, massive, cotton candy clouds. They were so white, unbelievably white. The luminescence, the energy of the light came from somewhere within them, making them seem so solid, yet so much like a dream. Amazing. I studied how they reflected the light within them. I studied the color of the luminscent shadows they cast upon the endless azure sky. It was breathtaking. Now we are decending through the clouds and all of a sudden I am inside one. I look around me. This is the world I was made for. I just know this. One last burst of turbulence and we are out of the cloud barrier and I am looking down at the Astrodome, the Eighth Wonder of the World. Wow. I am high above the city of my birth--Houston, Texas. It was beautiful. From the baseball fields to the people swimming in the community center pool. It was Life. Life like I want to be a part of. And at that moment I was so very glad that my plane didn't crash. I was so glad to be alive, to have the privelege to see all the beauty that this life has to offer. It's so goddamned beautiful, it gives me the hope that I need so very much. I just wish I could somehow feel a part of that beauty.
But maybe I would if I could ever find Him. The new Him does not exist, and I doubt that He ever will. I have this emptiness inside. I've tried to fill it up with various things: drugs, sex, food, art, boys, hell, even this fucking piece of shit blog. Of course, that hasn't and isn't going to work. It just won't. And I know that now. But I don't know how to fill it. A man won't help. Especially just any man. The only thing that I want is Love, that indescribable feeling that everyone wants and that I've been chasing my entire life. That thing that makes me feel special. That thing that makes me hop out of bed in the morning, ready for whatever life has to throw at me, because I know someone has my back. That romance, which I'm not even sure exists in these modern times. So I am chasing after something that is never going to be there. And then the ache sets in. Knowing that I can't have that is killing me. Slowly. I just want to give up. Sometimes I am in love with myself, and am able to be happy. But that's selfish. Narcissistic. I just don't know any other way. Because I am ruined. No man will love me. So I'm going to have to love myself, because I'm all I've got. I just don't know that I'm strong enough to. Sometimes when I'm sad, I just need strong arms to hold me and remind me that I'm wonderful and beautiful and special, if not to the world but to Him. And I think that's all I need, in the end. But I don't have that, and I'm not going to have that. Based upon the things that I've done, the life that I've lived, even the awesome person that I am because of it, I'm screwed. Maybe I could be loved, if I actually deserved it. If I had lived correctly. The only one I have to blame, however, is myself. And that hurts the worst. Sometimes I think I should just give up.
But I don't fucking want to! That's not in my nature! When I sign on for something, I'm there till the very end, even if it hurts. I've tried to end my life before, and it wasn't for me. It was the stupidest thing ever, and I realized I wanted to live. To be alive. To see all that beauty and be a part of all that beauty. But that was before it all went down. That was before I met my ex. That was before he ruined love for me. And now I don't trust men. Especially men who claim they love me. But it appears I have no other choice than to play through the pain and just pray and pray and pray that God will send me someone who will love me despite it all. Or if I'm really lucky, because of it all. It's really a shame, you know. I have so much love to give. I am made of love. But nobody wants it. So why am I here? When will I find what I'm looking for? The thing that will finally make me normal?
In the next life...
Perhaps?

Jam for the Day: No Lies, Just Love by Bright Eyes

What's In Your Pocket?

This is the threesome of your dreams...

This is the allure that is Ricky...

This is Gangsta Steph...

This is Meagan on the rebound...

This is your girl.

More Cowbell

Oh man we had so much fun Saturday night. Steph came over and we went shopping. I bought a whole new outfit. Black jersey dress, big pink earrings, big pink sparkly bracelet. Yeah. Black babydoll heels. Yeah. Steph did my hair and all. When we got there, we barely had time to walk to the bar and collect ourselves before the José Cuervo girls acosted us, giving away free keychains and glowsticks and (yikes!) tequila shots with slices of lime. I swore off tequila years ago. But I just couldn't puss out like that! They peer pressured me. So that's how my night started off and it got only wetter. Everyone I cared to see at a party was there. The Deng rocked the house. That's Ricky up there playing the cowbell during the encore. After the show we went to the guys' house where we proceeded to drink and party until around 5 am when the cops came and busted us up. It was about time because I think if I would have stayed any longer or drank any more I would have made a fool out of myself. As it was I fell asleep in my clothes, and I barely remember how I got into bed. Ha!

I am so proud to know these guys. Listen! Appreciate!
http://www.myspace.com/apocketfulofdeng

My friend got her test results back negative today. I am elated. Everyone thinks I'm crazy but I know it's because of my prayers. I know it. I feel it. There's nothing like the feeling of getting your prayers answered. God came through in the clutch. He always does. And I don't care what anyone says; it only takes one person who believes. I'll be that person. For you.

Am travelling to Lufkin tomorrow to see my little brother graduate from high school. Wow.

Jam for the Day: Trixie by A Pocketful Of Deng

Take It Easy (Love Nothing)

Tonight is the big cd release party. I can't wait. Steph is spending the night. We're getting all dressed up. She is so funny, she doesn't seem used to having a girl friend at all. I love her to death. It's weird though because really she's my boss, so as close as we've gotten, I try very hard not to overstep my bounds at work. She makes it pretty easy on me though because she's a really good manager. And I have a lot of respect for her. She's 21. She's been in college for five years. Yeah. I constantly forget she is my junior. I think of her as more senior, and it's funny when she comes to me for advice. I forget I have lived a lot more life, well, than most people. There is honestly not much I can't relate to as I have been through the proverbial ringer. But she is breaking away from her long-term boyfriend, much like I did with Joey back in the day. She is doing it the right way though. I will make sure of that. She is so much stronger than I was back then. It's sometimes very hard to see this girl that I have all this faith in have a hard time having faith in herself, but I know it's hard learning to live again. And I will be there with her every step of the way. I am just learning to live again myself. And learning to love again.
Just like Steph, man, I love her. You know? There are other people that I love too. I found out that there's a good chance a close friend of mine could be diagnosed with an incurable disease. Big sigh. Not that it's fatal. But it will change her life. She will not have it so easy as she deserves. She most certainly doesn't deserve this. Now she may not be able to have everything that say, I could have in life. That breaks my heart. I want to take this away from her. I deserve it! Give it to me!! It's not fucking fair and I can't quite wrap my head around it. How someone so good can have something so bad happen to them, and how someone so bad can have it so good. You know? For the first time in my life I am very happy. I have friends that I love. I have faith in my friends' love for me, because they show it. I feel surrounded by love and by people that make me smile and that I feel I can depend on. And I hear her telling me this, her voice trembling with desperation that I might say something that could make it go away, something that could make it all better, and I search for something, anything, all the time knowing that I do not deserve anything I have. That hurts me. It's a hard situation because I'm not apologizing for any of it. But I know it's wrong. It's inherently wrong. The only thing I can do about it is be a better person, if just for her sake.

In other news, I think I have inadvertantly become my fuckbuddy's girlfriend?? I mean, if it walks like a girlfriend, and talks like a girlfriend, smells and otherwise seems like a girlfriend, is it not? No, it's not. I have no fancy for this man. He's been a good friend and a great lover, but he's driving me fucking crazy. The details aren't necessary because they are mundane as hell. You knew this was going to happen. I have been alone too long to put up with someone else's crap. I mean really. How is love supposed to work once you're no longer so flexible as you were at say, 18?? Because I'm not half as flexible as I was back then. Steph was talking about not wanting to go through the boyfriend screening process again. I said man fuck that shit. That takes all the fun out of love. I refuse it. And I'm not settling for just anyone, fuck that as well. Been there, done that. So I'll settle to fuck you, but don't think I'm going to love you, get it? That way I win. I get mine and maintain invulnerability at the same time. That's the way you have to play this game, right?
Right??
Sigh.
I wish it hadn't come to this.

Sometimes I feel like a traveller in an airport. Carrying my baggage to the terminal. I'm standing on the people-mover, you know, that flat escalator. I gaze through the window at the planes taking off and smile. Lost in thought, I misjudge the end of the track and trip and fall onto the stainless steel grate. My purse empties onto the floor for all to judge me. And they do. Of course they do. That's why they're called strangers.

Jam for the Day: Take It Easy (Love Nothing) by Bright Eyes

Put Another Dime in the Jukebox Baby

So Rob and I have this new business venture. Right. We are both broke as fuck and need money something awful. We were thinking about becoming tag-team gigolos. Surprisingly, this has been a topic of conversation for various intriguing reasons. And so we discussed the pros and cons like rational people do. I know I can trust Rob. We figured we could make more money working as a team though. Rob suggested that we practice beforehand...
So that we could be more professional, of course.
I told Rob that I couldn't believe it could have come to this and he just laughed and shook his head. We both come from some money and are trying to make it on our own for the first time. So the question arose, why are we giving it away for free??
Haha?
It would be funnier if I weren't half serious.
Because last night, right, I had a guy over. Ethan. A friend of a friend. He was just dropping something off for me, and we sat down to visit. I had been to a party with this guy several months ago and we ended up kissing, not because I liked him so much, but because he was charming and insistant. This being the case, I was nervous upon his arrival. So he makes mention of Dinah being jealous because she must have known he was going to kiss me. And then he did. Within minutes he is all over me. So we are making out and finally I push him away in complete confusion. I say,
"I don't understand why you want me so bad."
"You're a beautiful woman..."
"No..." I protest.
"When I see your body..."
I blush.
"You've got such a good touch..."
Commence the making out.
So one thing leads to another and before I know it he is inhaling me and we are in the bedroom and I am out of breath. It all happened so fast, I don't know what to think of it. He spoke Spanish to me. He said all the things I had been needing to hear. He was completely overamorous. He has this crazy ego. Not so arrogant, but his overconfidence amused me. I guess it's easy to be overconfident when you are so young. Yes I said so young. Not as young as Yossarian's skirt but pretty damn close. At least as close as I want to get.

So I had sex last night, big deal. I've understood all my life that I was supposed to feel used or guilty or somehow trashy for having sex. I always thought that was bullshit, and I'm finding out more and more that I am right. There have been very few times I've had sex and felt bad about it later. Does that make me a slut?? Or am I just promiscuous?? I don't feel fucking promiscuous, should I? I really just feel like Blush, either way. So this morning I added him to the proverbial "list." Wow. I have slept with so many more people than I ever imagined I would. I mean, ya'll know I am the hugest dork. I guess that means there's hope for everyone though. As far as sex goes anyway.

But what I really want is love. I remember driving all night just to look upon Gingerfish's lips. Just to smell his skin and run my fingers through his curls. When I finally made it there, I walked in to find him asleep in his chair, clutching a bourbon glass, the sweetest smile on his face. As I walked over to him, the ice clinked in the glass as it melted. I woke him with a kiss. I'll never forget the look on his face or the feeling in my heart. Absolute relief. Relief just to be with him again, if just for the night. In that fleeting moment everything was perfect. Just to be together. I didn't feel that last night. I haven't felt that for a long time. I want to feel that again.
That's all.

Jam for the Day: The Difficult Kind by Sheryl Crow

God Is Alive

And At Work...















In My Life...















Daily.

More Boys on Stage

Right. So I'm thinking this is pretty much how this summer will go, and that's fine with me. I like watching boys on stage. This is a photo of A Pocketful of Deng, My friends Rob and Travis' band. That's Travis with his back turned playing bass. He killed me up there. Rob is in the back on the drums. Those guys are showmen, that's for sure. They won that round of their battle of the bands overwhelmingly. I complimented them all telling them that I write and I couldn't even begin to compare them to anyone I've ever heard before. The singer was a bit like Jim Morrison, and there was a definate Zeppelinesque blues guitar riff, but Steph pointed out a fundamental pattern comparable to the likes of Radiohead and Beck. Indescribable. They were a frenzy on stage...I couldn't help myself from dancing, and that means they were really good. At least that's how I measure a band. I like music that moves me. My homeboy J.J. with ME-TV was there filming the set to play later on the air. Believe it or not, I actually met this guy in a bar, then saw him on tv the next day! He's a veejay on our indie-rock music video station here in Austin. It was really cool knowing the guys in the band...and The Deng actually have a bit of a following. I could totally see why.

I can't wait till the cd release party.

Steph took me with her to this trendy restaurant on The Drag called Veggie Heaven this weekend. I ate tofu for the first time. She's a vegetarian but I hate vegetables. Haha! I just don't like the taste of green. I'm sorry. But you know I am always down for whatever. So she helped me order and I had the Texas Tofu, this fried tofu with all kinds of steamed vegetables with this oriental-type hot sauce on it. I mixed in some white rice and soy sauce, and I must admit it was pretty good. I think I am on my way to finally trying sushi...

I wish I wasn't such a fraidy-cat.

I'm A Hustler Baby...I Just Want You To Know

I don't know what it is about Freebirds that makes me give that place 110%. Yes I do. They pay me cash money to have fucking fun. I love it. Last night was the most awesome night at work ever. Ever. We had an actual event in the parking lot. On the first Thursday of every month, street vendors and musicians and artists, etc. line the sidewalks of South Congress Avenue while patrons walk around, eating, buying stuff and generally checking shit out. F+M Records had a showcase with several artists playing songs off of a sampler cd in conjunction with Freebirds so they had a big stage and spotlights and all set up in our parking lot, ready for a big party.
I got to work about 10 minutes early. I finished my cigarette and went and leaned over the counter and talked to Lily at the register. There was one person in line. A guy. Preston was making his quesadilla. All of a sudden, he slides down the line to me and is all "Heyyyy..." I look over and there is this rock star-lookin guy. Big sunglasses, perfectly worn jeans. Red Shirt. Barely-there chestnut shag. I don't know if you know the type, but these assholes are a dime a dozen in Austin. I tell him Hello, and he introduces himself as Johnny. Okay. Then he asks Jen, the manager, about the cd we are selling, he wants to see it. She brings it out to him and he starts pointing out the "geniuses" on the album, but I'm not really paying attention. He makes a big effort to point out the first artist on the sampler, but I'm not really paying attention. And he's talking to me and poor Preston is like, hey. Hey. Hey! Sir, what else do you want on your quesadilla!?! And old boy is like, oh, right, my bad, and gives me the wink and goes back to his meal. I'm trying to control my inner laughter at this point. So then he pays for his food and talks to me some more, but I'm not really paying attention. I'm about to clock in so I go over to pour out my drink and he stops me and asks when I get off work. I tell him. He asks me if he were to come and get me, would I watch him play? Whoa. This guy is one of the artists on the album! I tell him yes, because duh, arrogant or not, this guy is hot. He leaves and I run to Jen and ask her if he comes can I go, can I go?? She laughs and says sure. It's not every day a rock star hits on you. Or someone who thinks he's a rock star. Haha. So I grab the cd and look for a Johnny on there. Imagine, Johnny is the "genius" on the record. Hahaha. So Leah, the messy one, went to scope out the sitch. She found him on his cell phone yelling at his girlfriend. Then telling her what time to be there. I swear, I attract the biggest turds.
We had tons of staff and just that in itself was fun because I love those peeps. And we were really slow at first so we were all just goofing off, horseplaying and dancing to Of Montreal, and generally bullshitting around. We had a pretty fun crowd there as well. As pretentious as the Austin music scene is, I must admit it's still pretty cool. At least I'm intrigued. Needless to say, old boy's girlfriend showed up, and he didn't come and get me for his set, which was actually a really nice thing to do, seeing as how he totally sucked.
We knew there was a chance of severe weather last night, but it had been fine out all day. And just last week the weathermen were wrong about that shit. It didn't matter either way, because the show must go on, right? So when the first couple of raindrops hit and the wind gusted up, our general manager told Ricky and I to close up/lock down the patio, and then he hauled ass like a weakling. Within minutes it is raining in sheets and storming like crazy. Ricky and I are outside in this, hustling, trying to take down the umbrellas and lock up the chairs. Lightning. Thunder. More wind. Then I hear Ricky yell, "Blush! Watch out!" as a tree limb goes flying by my head and into the creek below. "Holy shit! We better hurry!" But now I am paying attention to the tree above the patio. The wind is thrashing it around the sky. "Ricky, come ON!" CRACK! And the biggest limb falls onto the tables as Ricky and I escape into the store. Fuck that shit. So we are inside the store for about 5 minutes before the electricity goes out. So it's Jen, Em, Travis, Ricky, and Me, and poor Rob was even there because he had stopped in to get a free burrito before we closed and got stuck there in the storm. I couldn't have picked better people to be there with, in fact, that's my crew of friends. Luckily we were stuck there with beer as well. Plus we had about 30-45 people from outside, and various musical equipment. The spotlights are still running outside on a generator and you could see the silver sparkly rain falling. It was beautiful. And kinda surreal. So nobody knows what to do, and a sort of organized chaos becomes the standard behavior. First, we don't do anything. Everyone just wants to smoke a cigarette. So we did, in the store with the backdoor open, which is totally illegal as smoking is banned in the city. But nobody cared. Emilie is serving people burritos because we're just going to throw the food away anyway. (To be fair, her major is social work, so I wasn't terribly surprised.) But we couldn't charge people if we wanted to because the register had no power. So she's just working for tips. Awesome. That only helps all of us. Some people are strumming guitars in the lobby. When the rain died down a bit, we all go outside under the awning to smoke another cigarette with some peeps from the lobby. Guess who joins us: The "genius" sans girlfriend. And imagine, he's hitting on me again! Finally, the weather seemed to stablize and everyone stranded at Freebirds made their way home. Except us.
It was hard to close down the store because we had no light. There were backup lights in the lobby but that's it. So in the kitchen it was pitch black. We were somehow able to get everything done pretty much by memory. Even though I technically wasn't supposed to be there (I had gotten off right before the storm) I had no problem helping everyone close because face it, I wasn't going anywhere, and I effin love that place. We laughed our asses off the whole time. There were an abundance of jokes made throughout. Ricky and I were even thinking about organizing a wet tee-shirt contest during the night, Freebirds style...

Unbelievably, that idea never reached fruition.

Make Damn Sure

This immigrant thing is out of hand. I don't think people have their heads screwed on straight about it. Obviously, Texas has a quite large Mexican immigrant population. And I love them. I absolutely adore Mexicans. But I was on my way to work on Monday and stopped at the Mexican snow cone stand only to find it closed due to the immigrant boycott. And it was so hot outside. I think it's clear it's time for compromise.

So I got to work and was getting into the swing of things when I looked up and saw Jesse walking into the store. Within about five seconds of his entrance, the song Whole Lotta Love by Led Zeppelin started playing in the lobby. The timing couldn't have been more perfect. I even laughed out loud. He looked surprised and pleased to see me. I can't believe I'd forgotten how hot he is. And there is something about that guy that just brings out the cool in me, I can't explain it. Because I'm not that cool around boys I'm attracted to. But when I talk to him I'm cool as a fuckin cucumber. So he hung out and talked to everyone, while I worked the line and acted as if nothing was going on, even though they were all crowded around Jesse, welcoming back an old friend. This is the first time I'd seen him since he changed stores. When everyone scattered, he was left alone in the office. I made my way back there and he stood up and threw his arms around me. I'm like, "Sup." Did the head nod and everything. Haha. I'm so cool. He will be at Rob's cd release party at the end of the month. I asked him if he was going to see them at Antone's on Sunday and he said no. I advised him that I would be there with Steph. Before he left I heard him talking to Rob, asking him about tickets to the Sunday show. Interesting. As much as I hated to see him go, I did enjoy watching him walk away...

I have grown really close to my friend Steph. The other night after work, she came over and chilled with me and we ended up talking for hours. She's usually pretty reserved but she really opened up to me about her life. I cherish moments like those. There's nothing I enjoy more than having intimate friends. We have plans to see The Deng play on Sunday. I can't wait. It's been a long time since I had a cool chick in town to hang out with.

Remember Him? He's dead. I spoke to Him yesterday for quite a while. They got Him; He grew up. He's even getting married after graduation. I suppose that's okay, but it's not necessarily for me. The way things were left, the way things have been for the past several years, were completely unsatisfactory for me. It hurts me terribly to be on bad terms with someone I care about. Terribly. And it's always in the wee corner of my mind. Speaking to Him was so natural, it was eerie. We spoke cryptically, but we understood each other like we always did. That in itself was comforting. Having made amends, in so many words anyway, that ancient ache has subsided. I don't know why it took Him so long to give this to me. He said He did what He had to do. Fair enough. However, in speaking to Him, I've realized that the man I was in love with those years ago no longer exists, just as I'd suspected. So it's time. Time to drop the capital H. I can't bear to call Him another Christian name, because it just wouldn't fit. He is who He is. So for the purposes of this blog, He will now be known as Gingerfish. That's how I remember him.

Thank you, Gingerfish.

Jam for the day: Make Damn Sure by Taking Back Sunday