When I boarded my plane on Wednesday, I wished that it would crash. That's about how I was feeling. Sometimes I don't know why I am alive. I have always felt that I was not made for this world, but for the next. My talents are great, but not really tangible on Earth as we know it. My love is a different kind of unconditional caring, not often found in this world. My soul is a completely different kind of spirit. I have always been kind of indifferent about my death, partly because I don't feel that anyone would miss me (and it would probably just be a relief to everyone) but mainly because I realize that my life doesn't mean much in the grand scheme of things in this life, but I know that my spirit will, once I get where I'm ultimately going. So I order a cocktail on the plane. They gave it to me for free. Rock on. I slowly sipped my cape cod and watched as we made our way through and above seemingly endless, massive, cotton candy clouds. They were so white, unbelievably white. The luminescence, the energy of the light came from somewhere within them, making them seem so solid, yet so much like a dream. Amazing. I studied how they reflected the light within them. I studied the color of the luminscent shadows they cast upon the endless azure sky. It was breathtaking. Now we are decending through the clouds and all of a sudden I am inside one. I look around me. This is the world I was made for. I just know this. One last burst of turbulence and we are out of the cloud barrier and I am looking down at the Astrodome, the Eighth Wonder of the World. Wow. I am high above the city of my birth--Houston, Texas. It was beautiful. From the baseball fields to the people swimming in the community center pool. It was Life. Life like I want to be a part of. And at that moment I was so very glad that my plane didn't crash. I was so glad to be alive, to have the privelege to see all the beauty that this life has to offer. It's so goddamned beautiful, it gives me the hope that I need so very much. I just wish I could somehow feel a part of that beauty. But maybe I would if I could ever find Him. The new Him does not exist, and I doubt that He ever will. I have this emptiness inside. I've tried to fill it up with various things: drugs, sex, food, art, boys, hell, even this fucking piece of shit blog. Of course, that hasn't and isn't going to work. It just won't. And I know that now. But I don't know how to fill it. A man won't help. Especially just any man. The only thing that I want is Love, that indescribable feeling that everyone wants and that I've been chasing my entire life. That thing that makes me feel special. That thing that makes me hop out of bed in the morning, ready for whatever life has to throw at me, because I know someone has my back. That romance, which I'm not even sure exists in these modern times. So I am chasing after something that is never going to be there. And then the ache sets in. Knowing that I can't have that is killing me. Slowly. I just want to give up. Sometimes I am in love with myself, and am able to be happy. But that's selfish. Narcissistic. I just don't know any other way. Because I am ruined. No man will love me. So I'm going to have to love myself, because I'm all I've got. I just don't know that I'm strong enough to. Sometimes when I'm sad, I just need strong arms to hold me and remind me that I'm wonderful and beautiful and special, if not to the world but to Him. And I think that's all I need, in the end. But I don't have that, and I'm not going to have that. Based upon the things that I've done, the life that I've lived, even the awesome person that I am because of it, I'm screwed. Maybe I could be loved, if I actually deserved it. If I had lived correctly. The only one I have to blame, however, is myself. And that hurts the worst. Sometimes I think I should just give up.
But I don't fucking want to! That's not in my nature! When I sign on for something, I'm there till the very end, even if it hurts. I've tried to end my life before, and it wasn't for me. It was the stupidest thing ever, and I realized I wanted to live. To be alive. To see all that beauty and be a part of all that beauty. But that was before it all went down. That was before I met my ex. That was before he ruined love for me. And now I don't trust men. Especially men who claim they love me. But it appears I have no other choice than to play through the pain and just pray and pray and pray that God will send me someone who will love me despite it all. Or if I'm really lucky, because of it all. It's really a shame, you know. I have so much love to give. I am made of love. But nobody wants it. So why am I here? When will I find what I'm looking for? The thing that will finally make me normal?
In the next life...
Perhaps?
Jam for the Day: No Lies, Just Love by Bright Eyes
11 comments:
Cheer up, emo kid. And I thought I was the 8th wonder of the world?
I thought manic depression was politically incorrect these days?
There's one thing I want to key in on about what you said. It was minor, just a passing phrase really. (One of my birthdays? Oh sorry, that's passing phase, no 'r'.)
It was this, '...in these modern times.' Think about it for a second. Go back 100 years, a time when I'm sure you think is not modern times. But how did people feel in 1906? Lets see, the car was invented some 20+ years before that and Henry Ford had been producing the Model T for a few years. The Wright brothers had made their historic flight three years before as well. Don't you think that many people felt that those were VERY modern times? That significant change was coming their way? We look back and think that they know nothing of change! Look, we have computers on our desks. We have the Internet and microwave ovens. We have cell phones. Now THESE are modern times! Right? Well, maybe...
How will people feel about us in 100 years? Computers on desks! Ha! I have this chip that lets me surf the Internet anytime I want, anywhere I want at near instantaneous speeds! I don't need to fly. We have holographic projectors that bring us to places and it seems like we're actually there! Perhaps we can even teleport (it will happen eventually).
Our 'modern times' will be a joke. So don't blame that on not finding love. You will find love. The only way you won't is if you wallow in self-pity. That's when you'll miss it when it's bopping you right on the head.
Just have some fun. The rest will come.
i think you misunderstood my meaning of modern times...
when i say shit like that, im usually referring to social issues, i.e. womens affairs vs. mens affairs. the way women live today and the things we face today are lightyears away from the things we faced in 1906. maybe that will shed some light on what i meant.
fuck political incorrectness. manic+depression is exactly what bipolar is. and i can say that too because i actually am bipolar.
my bad deanie. you ARE the eighth wonder of the world...my world...
Hmmm, perhaps. It does make a difference. But you wouldn't rather live under the social and political restrictions of 1906, would you?
What I said about love still holds thought.
And re:manic depression, I know that, I was kidding. And I know that about you too.
Though, not thoughT. Damn typos.
hell fucking no i wouldnt have wanted to live as a woman before womens lib. oh hell no. i would have been hanging out with susan b. anthony back then...oh yeah.
and as much as i hate to admit it, youre right about love brian.
ugh.
Blush, I wish I had something wise to say to you, but you're hella wise yourself. I'm not the least bit worried about you not finding love, because I know you will. I just hope for it to be with someone who is worthy of you and your love, because you'll make them an amazingly lucky person.
p.s. I love you!
wow. thanks for all the lovely comments. my readers amaze and inspire me.
loveandotheraccidents: oh i know that i am so lucky. i have been places and seen things that have brought me to tears because of the suffering of others. and i want to try to live my life to help them, really. but i have to get myself together first, before i can help anyone. thats what this blog is about. im sorry if you misunderstood.
sean: wow. your comment amazed me. what beautiful and exact imagery. you need your own blog. thank you for your inspiring words. and you know, i do feel like that sometimes. like when the plane landed. its the manic depression--it gets me so confused. and thank you so much for your kind words. i really needed to hear that. thank you.
nervous girl: are there really any words?? you know i love you too, and youre my strength when im weak. you understand too much, and with you out there, im not alone in this. thank you for being my friend.
dirk: youre right, god does help those who help themselves. im learning that more and more everyday. but regardless of what anyone else thinks, i know theres a life with god after this one. thank you for your encouragement. that means alot coming from you, heheh. "Having somebody isn't as important as being somebody."
thank you for that. i will always remember that.
sorry so sappy, i really love you all to death and i dont know what id do without yall.
thank you.
I don't really have anything to add, which is totally useless of me. I'm glad that you have an outlet for thoughts like this in your blog, and people to read it for you and send you their thoughts and well wishes. And... the idea that love is out there is wonderful, but doesn't it make you really, really impatient? ;) The waiting isn't the fun part. I think we all crave the security of real, sure love.
I really hope you find what you're hoping for, Blush. You're not just good for the next life; you have everything to offer in this one too. :)
im not disagreeing. but in my defense, sometimes i feel this way, and i have every right to express it.
im a recovering drug addict, and i also have a mental disorder. there is alot of pressure on me to be something i have never been. normal. it is not easy for me to he proactive, as you say, because i am still learning how to live. i thought that was clear.
i appreciate your advice and its well taken. but again, this is my outlet for my fears and insecurities.
dont forget
there is more to me than meets the blog.
thank you, a million times thank you, sean.
you are the reason i do what i do.
thank you.
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