Take It Easy (Love Nothing)

Tonight is the big cd release party. I can't wait. Steph is spending the night. We're getting all dressed up. She is so funny, she doesn't seem used to having a girl friend at all. I love her to death. It's weird though because really she's my boss, so as close as we've gotten, I try very hard not to overstep my bounds at work. She makes it pretty easy on me though because she's a really good manager. And I have a lot of respect for her. She's 21. She's been in college for five years. Yeah. I constantly forget she is my junior. I think of her as more senior, and it's funny when she comes to me for advice. I forget I have lived a lot more life, well, than most people. There is honestly not much I can't relate to as I have been through the proverbial ringer. But she is breaking away from her long-term boyfriend, much like I did with Joey back in the day. She is doing it the right way though. I will make sure of that. She is so much stronger than I was back then. It's sometimes very hard to see this girl that I have all this faith in have a hard time having faith in herself, but I know it's hard learning to live again. And I will be there with her every step of the way. I am just learning to live again myself. And learning to love again.
Just like Steph, man, I love her. You know? There are other people that I love too. I found out that there's a good chance a close friend of mine could be diagnosed with an incurable disease. Big sigh. Not that it's fatal. But it will change her life. She will not have it so easy as she deserves. She most certainly doesn't deserve this. Now she may not be able to have everything that say, I could have in life. That breaks my heart. I want to take this away from her. I deserve it! Give it to me!! It's not fucking fair and I can't quite wrap my head around it. How someone so good can have something so bad happen to them, and how someone so bad can have it so good. You know? For the first time in my life I am very happy. I have friends that I love. I have faith in my friends' love for me, because they show it. I feel surrounded by love and by people that make me smile and that I feel I can depend on. And I hear her telling me this, her voice trembling with desperation that I might say something that could make it go away, something that could make it all better, and I search for something, anything, all the time knowing that I do not deserve anything I have. That hurts me. It's a hard situation because I'm not apologizing for any of it. But I know it's wrong. It's inherently wrong. The only thing I can do about it is be a better person, if just for her sake.

In other news, I think I have inadvertantly become my fuckbuddy's girlfriend?? I mean, if it walks like a girlfriend, and talks like a girlfriend, smells and otherwise seems like a girlfriend, is it not? No, it's not. I have no fancy for this man. He's been a good friend and a great lover, but he's driving me fucking crazy. The details aren't necessary because they are mundane as hell. You knew this was going to happen. I have been alone too long to put up with someone else's crap. I mean really. How is love supposed to work once you're no longer so flexible as you were at say, 18?? Because I'm not half as flexible as I was back then. Steph was talking about not wanting to go through the boyfriend screening process again. I said man fuck that shit. That takes all the fun out of love. I refuse it. And I'm not settling for just anyone, fuck that as well. Been there, done that. So I'll settle to fuck you, but don't think I'm going to love you, get it? That way I win. I get mine and maintain invulnerability at the same time. That's the way you have to play this game, right?
Right??
Sigh.
I wish it hadn't come to this.

Sometimes I feel like a traveller in an airport. Carrying my baggage to the terminal. I'm standing on the people-mover, you know, that flat escalator. I gaze through the window at the planes taking off and smile. Lost in thought, I misjudge the end of the track and trip and fall onto the stainless steel grate. My purse empties onto the floor for all to judge me. And they do. Of course they do. That's why they're called strangers.

Jam for the Day: Take It Easy (Love Nothing) by Bright Eyes