I had a bad day today. I told Austin on the phone. He picked me up from work with a single long stemmed red rose. It was so sweet and fragrant and I was simply elated. But then we get home. I walk into the house and there are more long stemmed red roses in a vase on the coffee table. There are even more hidden throughout the house. There is one on the bed and Ghirardelli chocolate bars on each pillow. Then I go into the kitchen to just get some water and I find that he's stocked my once (who am I kidding, always) empty refrigerator. And the cabinets too. There's even a bottle of my favorite wine in there. I am truly speechless. All I know to do, as well as all I can physically do, is throw my arms around him and cry for pure joy and gratitude and love. It was the most amazing thing anyone, especially any man, has ever done for me. I'm so overwhelmed, but in the bestest way. I couldn't stop telling him I loved him. And what's worse is that I really really do. I couldnt stop looking at his sometimes green, sometimes brown eyes. I see things when I look into his eyes that scare me because I don't think I'm ready for them. I'm fucking scared. I'm insecure. And I don't deserve this. Any of it. I never did. As beautiful as it is--and it is fucking beautiful--it's all I've ever wanted in a man: someone who cares enough about and truly loves me enough to go above and beyond what it takes to make me not only happy but fucking elated, and of His own accord, because He wanted to. Because he wants to see me happy. And I am totally fucking elated. But then I'm not. I withdraw. Why the fucking guilt?! Fucking always. And I'm totally fucking gone on him, do not get me wrong. It's just this inner guilt that I've carried around inside since I was molested at age 4. This inner guilt that I have no real good fucking clue how to get rid of. And it's ruining my life. My fucking life. But as happy as I was tonight--and am everyday--with Austin and with everything he is and is not, I can't help but feel fucking guilty because I don't think that I deserve him. Any of Him. It's a goddamned awful feeling. I think I upset him tonight. Because I think he could tell something was wrong with me. I know he took it the wrong way. Why wouldn't he? It doesn't even make any goddamned sense! I just don't know what to do. The very last thing I would ever, ever want to do is hurt him. I'm in it for the long haul with him. Don't ask me how I know, I just know it. I just don't think He knows it. And I have no idea how to tell him. I'm so fucking scared. I'm a big pussy when it comes to shit like this now. It's all their fucking fault you know. Fuck those previous pricks--they couldn't ever hold a candle to my Austin. I can't believe I'm allowing my ugly feelings toward them affect the most beautiful feelings I've ever had--for Austin. I just wish I knew how to make him know it like I know it. Sigh.
And if I'm lucky, one day I'll realize that I do deserve Him (because I do) and I'll never feel like a dissappointment again. Because I want to be everything to Him, and Him to me, but mostly I want Him to know that I'm His.
3 comments:
Tell him the truth.
Exactly what you said here. Get it out, in the open. It will lose its power over you in the light of day and give him insight into what you are thinking. He will understand that it is nothing that he has done or not done and that it is something that you are working through.
I agree with grampa's advice.
What Austin did sounds great - I mean, no guy has ever done those kinda things for me either, but I can understand that while it's awesome and you feel totally elated, there's something nagging inside that says "I don't deserve all this" - or at least that's how I felt when I met a nice guy after a lot of not so nice ones. Sometimes a lot of weird, sad, guilty emotions get stirred up when things are changing and things are happy. I can totally understand that. The good thing is it sounds like he would be understanding of that too. Hang in there sweetie, and know that it's okay to be scared but you do deserve to be treated well and to be happy.
oh i do trust him. oh and how.
its just scary.
and when he came back last night i did tell him how i felt.
i didnt get much feedback because he just seemed thoughtful over it, like he just couldnt get it because he thinks im great or something. i wonder if this is what they mean when they say love is blind?
blind my ass, love is just effin crazy. am i right?
:P
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