A Blue Christmas without You

I am home. As in home-town. It's cold and it's raining and there's nothing homey about any of it. The entire place has changed in the past--jesus christ--almost 7 years. Seven years I've been gone, and back, and gone again. I don't know that I belong here anymore. I'm unsure where I belong really. I have a home in Austin. Right now that's the only place I want to be. In Austin with Austin. Regardless, here I sit with three coats on because the fucking heater broke. Yes. It gets cold in Texas once a year and that one time is the time our heater decides to stop heating.
I had to take a klonopin because I was on the verge of a panic attack earlier. Packing and the idea of flying home tomorrow irks me. My flight here was a nightmare. It was rainy and shitty outside and my flight was delayed, unbeknownst to me. This would have saved me lots of stress and panicking--throwing things in bags and busting ass to the airport. I had planned to carry everything on the plane to make it easier. But those were the good old days apparently. I knew I'd have to take off my shoes but I honestly didn't realize that the TSA would escort me out because I had a bottle of hairspray. So I threw it away and made it through security to find out about my delayed flight. So I go back out, get my shit out of the trash, put it in my bag, and check it. Cool. I still have my other bag, with the shit I really need. Except this time I don't make it through security somehow, and they DID escort me out, because apparently I look like I wanna blow up a plane with a bottle of perfume. Man I just want to go to Christmas with my family. Fuck. I couldn't help but let them have it. So I go check my other bag with ten minutes to departure, and make it back through security, thrice, JUST in time to board my flight. Turbulence the entire way, and I still haven't eaten. So I get to Houston but my bags do not. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid. Instead they got put on the next plane from Austin to Houston because apparently Christmas packages have to be checked by the TSA. I am like what the fuck is going on in America these days? The whole world has gone crazy. I finally make it to Christmas like 4 hours late and proceed to get drunk enough on Merlot to argue politics with my dad. Ha. That's when you just don't care anymore. So I am now traumatized, and I do not want to have anything to do with the fucking airport tomorrow when I go home, although that's the only way I'll be getting there, and it's the only place I wanna be. Thank god he'll be waiting there for me.
Christmas was pretty cool, I got everything I wanted so I can't complain. I have a bad habit of doing so anyway. Right now I am nervous because in a few hours I'm supposed to have drinks with two old friends I haven't seen in years, and I don't know if I still know who they are. These were my sisters you see; but they left me at a crucial point--and I hate to say it but I believe that was the beginning of my downfall. I try not to blame them for not wanting to get sucked into the downward spiral I was most certainly in, but it hurt. I didn't realize until today how much it still hurt. I desperately want to be friends again, but there is so much history that I am just not a part of that scares the hell out of me. I feel ganged up on. I thought it was just gonna be Erin. What if they don't want me now just like they didn't want me then?? I know if that were true they wouldn't have called me this morning. But I'm scared nonetheless. Why is it that when I'm scared I just want to sleep? If I could get under the covers with my Bear forever I think that'd be okay with me, though that just won't do. If I'm going to live my life, I'm going to have to confront it.
So being "home" has been a huge disappointment. All the friends I had before are gone. And I had lots of friends. No one answers their phone for me. They don't know me anymore. Truth is, I don't know them anymore either. I'm just so goddamned lonely. But we are going to the bar tonight. It is Christmas Evening. Everyone should be in town at their parents' and ready to get the hell out of the damned house. People I haven't seen in years. Ex-friends. Ex-boyfriends. I've been so concerned about Erin that I just realized there's a great possibility that I will run into Joey, or worse, Gingerfish with his new fiancee.
Man fuck that.
I bet I'm prettier than her.
That's what counts, right??