A couple weeks later. The feeling comes and goes, as do the days. Always coming, always going. A collection of pictures in my mind; the month has been a rushing blur. A collection of smiles, a collection of tears. And the anger--it's undeniable. I don't always handle it well as anger is a much less familiar emotion than mere happiness or sadness. Most familiar is fear. And I'm terrified. It's complicated.
If anger grows out of confusion, confusion abounds. It can be tough to take at times, the times when I regret taking it out on certain people. I find myself at a crossroads. I do not know what I want. I know what I do not want.
I do not want to be what I have always been.
I do not want to seek comfort in outside sources; I want to be able to stand alone. Alone. That's how I began and that's how I will end. The older I grow the closer I get to the realization that I can trust no one. Danielle has proven herself. My parents have proven themselves time and time again. Dinah has proven herself as loyal a pet as a girl could want. However, besides the aforementioned, I am on my own, and it's time for me to be a big girl and fucking deal with it. However it may hurt, and it does, it's time to face reality. I'm no spring chicken. If no one has wanted me yet, my chances of finding whatever the fuck it is they call love, depreciate by the minute. Tick. My ten year high school reunion is coming up. Tock. My biological clock is ticking and tocking, ever louder by the moment. Louder and louder. I was really hoping that Jason would be everything he said he would be--he wasn't. I was everything he said he wanted--he didn't. Although he is a much better friend than he was a boyfriend, what about what I want? Is there anybody out there up for the challenge I apparently pose to the opposite sex? Where is my fucking soulmate? I see a disturbing pattern and I want to destroy it. Fucking demolish the piece of shit. Until nobody remembers. Not even me. Yet the question remains: Is there anybody out there? Isn't there? How long must I yearn for Him? How long must I burn for Him? The embers blaze blood red...from the bottom of my broken--but still beating--heart.
1 comment:
I know where you're at and I'm sure you'll find the same sort of peace that I did.
Sometimes I do wonder if things will change, mostly when i'm getting the "Oh-you're-still-single?" pity tilt, but generally being on my own is actually pretty cool.
After numerous lousy relationships I'm at the point where I think if its gonna happen, its gonna happen. Nothing can be forced, you just have to relax and go with lifes ebbs and flows.
Sometimes changes happen so slowly that we don't notice them.
You'll get there... I promise xx
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