Today I wandered around Travis Heights. Crying. Bawling. Violet mascara streaks behind my big black sunglasses. I am lost. I don't care. I am just wandering, because I don't know what to do. I did everything right this time, and still...I lost. I should have known this would happen. Things were going too well. My apartment application was rejected because I am a felon. A criminal. A second-class citizen. I could see the sympathy in the Apartment Manager's eyes and that made it worse. Even when it couldn't get any worse. I managed to make it outside, but the rest is a blur of mascara and sobbing and stumbling up and down shady hills. I think I managed to smoke a cigarette. Why have I tried so hard to get straight? For this? And I've done a really damn good job too! I mean, goddamn. Do you know what the odds are for a statistic like me? I've beaten most of them already. And for what? So the Man could get me?? Again?? The fucking Man, man! And I'm a white female. The Man isn't supposed to fuck with me! It seems that when men fuck me, it usually ends up in some kind of disaster. Why would this situation be any different? But I digress. Why have I tried so hard?? What is it all for? Am I ever going to have even a smidgeon of what I want? I'll settle for what I need at this point. I don't even know how to begin to respond to these thoughts of mine. I am so fucking depressed about this. The rejection. I knew it would come. First it's a lease on an apartment. Then it's a possible career. The next thing you know it's the love of my life and then what happens? I'll tell you what happens. I'll be working my ass off, alone, just like I am now. You know, when I was wandering the streets sobbing, there were like 6 people in my cell phone I could call in a situation like that...and how pitiful is it that only one of those people live in my vicinity?? I am too alone to get hurt like this. When I am alone and in pain, I tend to do what it takes to kill that pain. And sometimes it takes too much. NO. NOT AGAIN. Somebody save me from myself! I've had all this faith, in fact I've actually been arguing about it very recently with a good friend. Now it's on me. What will I do? I am so devastated, all I can do is have faith. I honestly don't know what else to do. But I'm scared. I'm fucking real scared. And I don't understand how it's ever going to really get any better. I mean really better. It's been so hard and I've been so alone and for so long, I don't know how much longer I can maintain this feeling... I ended up walking all the way home, mascara stained cheeks and all. I did my best to keep my head up like a lady. I've got to find a place to live in one week or less. I guess it's on to Plan B, once I figure out what Plan B is.
So why should I work for what I want, and why should I do the things I'm supposed to do, if I'm not allowed the things I'm working for, or the things I'm supposed to be able to obtain?? Why not get high all day? I mean for real. All I fuckin want is a place where I can write and live with my cat and know she's safe and happy, so I can feel safe and happy too. It's been so long since I felt safe and happy. Is that even possible anymore?? Because that's all I want. Is that too much to ask?
Jam for the Day: You've Got No Right by Nirvana
3 comments:
You said it yourself...you've beaten most of the statistics.
You beat an addiction and thats REALLY fucking hard.
You can get through this. You absolutely will.
is that last blog entry a picture of you?
so this is the first time I've read your blog and I can really understand the utter devastation you felt by the rejection. The felony will haunt you. It will be up to you to keep your past from drowning your future. But I'm sure all this is cliche to you by now.
I was left with a baby, a car I couldn't afford on my own and a house foreclosing. The car I turned in to the dealership sobbing because I just couldn't afford it but yet I didn't know how I would get back and forth to work. The house foreclosed and haunts my credit to this day (although that's been going on 7 years now and soon it will be gone). And the baby, well he and I made it fine although there were times when I couldn't cry hard enough.
I wish you luck with your apartment situation. Do they always run a background check? Or are they just going off what you put on the application? Because, frankly, I would lie.
yeah, thats me. thanks for the encouragement, im much better today...its nice to relate, and thank you beth!
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