I guess I knew love would tear him apart. It fucking tore me apart. Tonight, to be specific. The love of my life--the only real and true lover I've ever known so graciously and with unmatched nonchalantness provided me with the knowledge that he doesn't care about me or us anymore. And that I'm ridiculous. He says he doesn't love me, and that I'm a stupid bitch as well. I am fuckin destroyed. He totally had me. Like, in the palm of his hand. I fear he used me. And he could totally have me again--I just don't know, and at this moment I kinda doubt--that he even wants me anymore. I guess I don't deserve it--a person like me just doesn't deserve love. It's hard to face the truth. Love is the only thing I've ever wanted, and the only thing that's managed to elude me every goddamned motherfuckin time. Shit! Love is the only reason to live--the only reason I want to live. Although after tonight, I cannot deny that I am without that which is so vital to my very existence. Love. But he said he doesn't even care. So the verdict is in: I actualy am completely unloveable, just as myself and I have suspected for years. It's never going to happpen even if I do give the most unbelieveable blow jobs in the entire world (and I do.) It's becoming clearer that the only solution is the final solution. And that sucks.
When reality sets competely in and sets up housekeeping etc. upstairs, a lonely girl realizes that sometimes our dreams just don't/aren't/never come true. And they told me "fuck you lady!" while they disappeared. But that's about right for me these days, I guess.
Life's a bitch, ain't it?? How bout a little Radiohead, eh?
When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
And I wish I was special
Youre so fuckin special
But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I dont belong here.
I dont care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
Youre so fuckin special
I wish I was special
But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I dont belong here.
Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fuckin special
I wish I was special...
But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo,
What the hell am I doing here?
I dont belong here.
I dont belong here.
3 comments:
You are loveable, Blush.
Don't believe otherwise.
-Wombat
oh wow, thank you so very much. you'll never know what you mean to me. fortunately, this particular moment was fleeting. he loves me, he is the proverbial one. thats the one thing that doesnt seem to change about our relationship, despite all the tumult and manic depression between the two of us. but nothing can be beautiful that isnt just a little bit ugly...you know, for contrast...
You know what's going on with him. It's hard, you know it's hard.
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