Make More Life Than A Living

I have really been enjoying the band Neutral Milk Hotel lately. I know absolutely nothing about this band, other than what I imagine in my mind. And what I imagine is awesome. I see John Lennon, Lou Reed, Bob Dylan, and Jack Kerouac down in some basement strumming guitars together in 1990's Seattle. I know, right? It's just so ...beat. Like me. The sometimes rambling, sometimes flowing, nonsensical lyrics have so much imagery, all the weird situations they sing about seem strangely familiar, kinda like a face without a name. I think these guys did their fair share of acid back in the day. Now all I need is to find someone as beat as I am to enjoy it with...

So I am almost completely moved in to my new place. It's really nice. Fireplace, ceiling fans, walk-in closet, all that jazz. I have been living out of bags and boxes for approximately two years and now I have more places to put stuff than stuff to put in them. And I have missed my stuff. The best part though is that I finally have my cat Dinah back. She is so happy now. She hated Lufkin because my family has two other cats. And she hates other cats. But now she's back in her element. I like to sit here and watch her sleep and know that I kept my promise to her. I promised her I'd be back for her. I promised her that when I moved to Austin, even though I wouldn't get to see her for months, it was only because I wanted to get a place where it would be just us and we could play all day. I was afraid when I said it, but I knew I could do it. Now I'm lying in my own bed, on my own computer, with my baby curled up in my lap. I guess hard work really does pay off.

But last night I was feeling down. Not really depressed, just kinda down. Usually when I'm feeling sad at work, I go get a hug from Jesse, who I have recently decided is very, very hot. I am always peeping him. I might even actually kinda like him...but that's not allowed. Anyway, I went for my hug last night and it was the best thing that has happened to me in ages. We both held tight...and the longer we held the tighter we held. It was like neither one of us wanted to let go or something. When I heard him drop the mop I just closed my eyes and tried to inhale him. It's not that I want someone to hold me, but that I want someone to hold. And I was holding on for dear life.

I rented The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and have watched it three times over the weekend. Let me first say that Mos Def is the hottest thing in the galaxy, for sure. I am now officially in love. Hitchhiker's fans may not agree, but I really liked the altered storyline of Arthur and Trillian. And Trillian kicked ass, really. They did a good job with that character. All the actors were excellent. Zaphod's Matthew McConaghey attitude killed me. And again, Mos Def's Ford Prefect was just as crazy as I imagined, and the guy that played Arthur was dead on. But I see why it didn't do well at the box office because what a hard movie to make! If you didn't have any background, it would just seem like so many random events piled one on top of another. But after watching the movie, I remembered how fucking profound that book really is. Kudos to the directors, they did the novel justice, in my opinion.

I finally got my revenge on my ex-boyfriend this past weekend. When I was arrested and ultimately put in jail, my mother had to clean out what was left in our house. I had nothing to do with it. I did not know until she brought my stuff up here that she had inadvertantly taken his box of cd's, his most treasured fucking possessions. Oops, our bad. That's what he gets. I figured I'd be throwing most of them away because we didn't always agree on music, but I came out with full collections of Nine Inch Nails, Pink Floyd, Radiohead, Smashing Pumpkins, some Hendrix and MY Hole cd, and two copies of every Nirvana album. Sweet. There were more I threw away, a couple random albums that I kept, and my friend Aaron came out with several cd's as well. Fucking rad. I win.

And as for my poll: Yes this is something I am considering. I am simply considering it though. My manager at Freebirds mentioned it to me. I do not have any information on the process. I don't see the point in taking the time to look into it unless I have already thought things through. I would not be pregnant, so I don't know that it would be like giving up a child. But I don't know. They would extract my egg and fertilize it with the father's sperm and implant the embryo into the mother. So basically I'd be selling my DNA. I do not know if the child will ever have access to my identity because it is not like an adoption. I think it's treated more like sperm donation. I do not know how much access the parents will have to my identity, besides IQ tests and blood tests, etc. I do not know if I even meet donor criteria. I probably don't. This is something I would like to do to help someone and help myself as well. It's just that it's obviously a big deal. I would have to stop taking all medication, I would be closely monitored, probably no caffeine, etc. for an entire menstrual cycle. I just imagine some poor, infertile woman desperate to have a child, even if it's (technically) mine. If I can make someone's dream come true, I have a hard time turning something like that down. Even if it's someone I'll never know. And if they can afford In Vitro fertilization, I can probably rest assured that the child will be well kept. And since I would not be raising it, there's a chance he/she won't come out as fucked up as I am. Because I worry about my genetics. I was raised by my parents, the ones with the same genes as me, and I don't know that that helped matters at all. No offense to anyone, just calling it like I see it. There is also a specific part of my past that I'd like to atone for and this would be by and large the best way to do that. I don't know that I need to, but I'd still like to. I took, and I don't know that I'll forgive myself until I give something back. And I am so poor. But I can afford to give this. It seems like a win-win situation, but I know there are just as many negatives as positives, thus the Poll. So vote, dammit!

Jam for the Day: Oh, Comely by Neutral Milk Hotel