Soul to Squeeze

Don't get too excited. I'm not back for long. One last healthy dose before a short hiatus. I just can't help but respond a little bit to The Reverend's most charming response to my selfishness. And some things happened today that you have to know about...

Yes, I am very selfish, and I don't mind admitting it at all. There is reason to this rhyme. I have given up everything I had and everything I was and lost it all. I realized this morning that I have been trying my whole life to make friends into family and family into friends, when both are neither. I've put all this energy into everyone but me, neglecting myself to the point of drug addiction. What was it all for? When I went to jail I went there alone. I spent a lot of time with myself and guess what? I'm really fuckin cool. I've let other people's feelings and other people's desires come before my own needs in the past and it only spelled disaster. It's time for me to grow. I started writing this shit because I was all mixed up trying to learn how to live again. I don't know if I ever really knew how. I thought perhaps it'd be interesting. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. But I matter most to me now. I'm already on my second chance. I can't risk my life on anyone else anymore. Until I get my mind right, I'm no use to anyone anyway. Maybe one day I will find my inspiration. Maybe one day I will find a friend I can turn into family. I don't know. But right now I'm living a blush reality. And it's selfish. And I like it that way.

If you knew me, you would love me. I'm not sure of much, but that I am sure of.

This afternoon at the bus stop there was this crazy homeless guy shouting and cursing to high heaven. He must have been really pissed about something because he was going through his bags and throwing things around and dropping f-bombs on everyone within earshot. I wasn't really afraid of this guy, but I was standing pretty close, so I kept my eye on him. So he starts packing his shit back up, and he's leaving the bus stop, and he stops in front of the guy next to me and screams at him, and I swear to you he says, "I FUCKING BURNT OFF MY PENIS GODDAMMIT!! SOMEBODY TOUCHED IT, SO I FUCKING BURNT IT OFF!!! GODDAMMIT!!!" And we are just standing there like, holy shit...I guess that's a pretty good reason to be pissed off. And then he turned and just kept walking down the sidewalk. I mean, I expected him to yell at somebody, but that's not what I expected him to yell at all. I'm just glad it wasn't at me. Crazy.

I have a hard time conversing with my mother because she doesn't like it when I cuss.

Then I was on the bus and this guy asked me if I had ever tried out for Miss America, because he said I looked "familiar." Questions like this amuse me. (Miss America? Please.) Can't blame the guy for trying I guess. Then when a family with a little kid got on, he moved to the seat next to me for them. He sat a bit too close and pushed his knee into mine and told me how much he wanted kids and gave me the most sincerely perverted smile you could imagine. I was almost more scared of him than ole burnt-dick at the bus stop.

Ah, the wonders of public transportation. Just doing my part for the environment.



















Today I entered into a humongous lie and exited with an address.