I don't know why I've been putting off this post, but I'm sure it has something to do with my hormones. That's a good excuse, right? I just haven't been okay lately and I think (I hope) I know why. And I'm not into writing emotionally careless drivel, although that may be debatable. Since I have no one to share my life with, I share it with perfect strangers. It's not difficult psychology. A lot has happened, or rather, a lot has happened with me, but ya'll already know that's just how I roll. It's a mental strain, to say the least. I am always tired. I am always looking forward to being done with what I'm presently doing and moving on to the next thing so I can get bored with that and fulfill my scattered destiny. At this point my head is spinning. It makes me feel so fuckin angry. I think I will assault the next 5'9" 110 lb. 19 year old girl I see. If she has chunky blonde highlights, all the better. I hate the things I will never have. But they are everywhere. So I walk with my head down. I watch the sidewalk. Have you ever really seen the sidewalk? It's one of the most amazing things on the planet, you should check it out. Sometimes it holds diamonds like a jewelry store case. They argue "walk this way, no, walk this way." ...Okay I totally plagiarized those last two lines. But they're genius, and they're true. Think on it.
Sometimes there are people worse off than you. But there are more people worse off than me.
The Of Montreal show was a fuckin blast. Being so small I am the shiz at working my way through a crowd to the front. I even danced around a bit. After the show and two Cape Cods and two Lone Stars, I was pretty drunk and scoping what was left of the crowd for a guy to walk up to and randomly kiss. Just for the fun of it. I employed my friends for help finding someone worth the effort. Ricky points out the bass player. Oh yeah. I'm like, "watch this." But I didn't find him all that attractive, so I just told him that it was a great show and gave him a suggestive kiss on the cheek right near the lips and then just walked away all sexy like. Haha! I'm a Band-Aid.
So the apartment locator told me that the only way to get around my felony setback is for my mother to lease the apartment in her name while I live there unbeknownst to the management. He said they do it all the time. This works out well because it's easy for me to assume my mother's identity, as my middle and last name are her first and last name. People will look at my ID and not even notice the difference. She is coming down next weekend on a road trip with her best friend to come look at apartments and ultimately lease one that day. There are a few places I like, but none like the one I can't have. Sigh. So I refuse to get excited about anything because I can't stand to be let down again so soon after such a crushing blow to my confidence. Either way, I'm in my own place on the 22nd, and God knows it couldn't come sooner. I miss my Dinah.
I am dealing with the fact that I will never know him.
But the thing that's really bothering me is I feel like I've failed. When I came to Austin, it was not on the best terms with anyone. I was going to show them all. I was going to succeed the hard way. Balls out. I was going to show them all that I wasn't crazy and I didn't need their help and that I was strong now and nobody need worry about me. I could take care of myself. But I was wrong. I do need help, everywhere and from anyone I can get it. I feel weak. And alone. And it's killing me.
But isn't that all this life is?? Slow death?
Jam for the Day: We Will Become Silhouettes by The Postal Service
2 comments:
How can it be that you've failed when it's all about the journey anyway?
brianalt is right when he says its all about the journey.
Life is just one huge series of lessons, shit that you didn't learn last time around that you'll need to know next time around. Some of them are tough, but worth knowing for sure.
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