It's Cool, We Can Still Be Friends

Well, I've finally stopped crying. Ya'll probably think I cry all the time, but it's really been a while since I cried like I did this morning. Cold, bitter tears. Tears for a love lost. Joey left this morning. Last night I dreamt I told him I loved him. I don't. But I love his smell. The color of his skin. His hairline. As I lie in bed last night with him in my arms I couldn't sleep. I closed my eyes and remembered the first time we spent the night together some ...seven years ago. I was only a girl then. He's a man now. It was sweet and gave me this surreal feeling of peace, of being safe and protected. I woke up after my dream. I was a little freaked out, telling Joey I love him would be murder on our friendship, and it's not even true. I am not in love with him. I love how I felt when I was with him those years ago. I love how I feel when I'm with him now because it reminds me of how I felt with him then.

In the early morning hours, I lay awake listening to him breathe heavy onto the pillow in the bed we've shared so many times in the past. Except this time he doesn't love me anymore. Nor I him. But he did love me. He really really loved me. Probably the only man who ever has or ever could. But not anymore. It hurts that I will never feel that again. But it's too late now. If Joey can't love me, I don't know who can. I roll over and try to alleviate my aching heart by holding my breath. I can't. In a few hours he will wake up and leave and I will be alone again. Alone like I always knew I would be. No breath on the pillow, no arm around my waist. I blink away tears. I don't feel that I will ever have that kind of love again and I just don't want to get out of bed, I don't want this to end, I don't want to go back to reality. But it's inevitable. He wakes, we say good bye. When he hugs me, he hugs me tight. For a long time. I'm fighting back the tears. It's not supposed to be like this. I shut the door on him and fall against it, now bursting into tears. I'm not even sure why. I just want to be happy again. I just want to be loved again.

But I can't be loved because I'm too afraid to love. Once I fell in love and it ruined my life. I can't take that chance again. Now I'm fucking these guys and ...nothing. I don't feel anything. I used to put my heart into everything I did but now ...I just can't seem to. And look at me! I'm a mess. Who will want this baggage? I'm at a loss. It's up to me to go it alone, and I just don't think I have the strength. And now I'm crying again because I had the rest of this post written beautifully and it accidentally erased when I was trying to change the font and I could only get this much back. Now it just sounds fucking whiny and annoying. I fucking can't do anything right. I am such a fuck up--why would anyone want to love me? This is basically what this paragraph was about anyway but it was much prettier but fuck it now. Fuck it. Fuck all of it. It's not a pretty situation. I'm fucking alone and I always will be. No one wants this. Not even you.

You know I did this to myself. I've dug my grave and now I'm lying in it.

Jam for the Day: It's Cool, We Can Still Be Friends by Bright Eyes