Soldier Girl

This was in the yard next door to the Shambhala Center where I meditate.

I swear I love this fucking town.

We had a really interesting discussion tonight about fear. The book we are discussing spoke of establishing an intimacy with fear. The author stressed that we, as human beings, don't know anything. This is what we are fearful of. Within the unknown there is a groundlessness that deprives us of all security. Because we know nothing, this is inevitable. But you can conquer this fear if you embrace it and become intimate with it. Know your fears. Become vulnerable. Invite pain. Delight in suffering. You will only learn from it. You will only grow through it. The most courageous warrior is the one who wears his heart outside of his armour. Or in this case, hers.

I am so excited about this weekend I can't even allow myself to think of it because I may just burst with glee. Me, my bestest girlfriends, and a Rock and Roll band. In the "Big D" even. Sounds like a daydream I've had much more than once. We are with "the band." Almost like real life Band-Aids. Fucking aye. I can't think of a better way to spend a weekend.

Rock. Band-Aids

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness

Let Freedom Ring.

Don't ever let them tell you the American Dream is dead. Fucking Naysayers.

Have a Happy and Safe Fourth of July.

Jam for the Day: America, Fuck Yeah! by Trey Parker and Matt Stone

Texas Skies

Taken just now. And why I will always call Texas Home.

Dreadful Selfish Crime

My fingernails are dirty. I need to brush my teeth. We partied and drank at my house all weekend. Took a bag of beer bottles to the trash this morning. There's a swimsuit in the bathtub. Dishes in the sink. Meagan ended up spending the whole weekend. We've been wearing each other's clothes. Had lots of different people over. FB even showed up. Then he wanted me to be all over him in front of my friends. I'm not into pda to begin with, but that just wasn't happening. Rob and Meagan had already discussed a late night swim while they were at work, so we were all getting ready to go when he and another friend came knocking. And we had a good little party of three going on! Dammit! FB was acting a fool for my attention. The longer he stayed the more I despised him. I'm sure it is just a projection of disappointment in myself. I came into my room at one point to the computer for a moment, and he followed me in and came up behind me and bit my neck. Gross! So out of context!! How many times have I told him I don't fucking like that?? It's like he just doesn't give a shit. So he gave me no choice but to freeze him out and although I felt somewhat bad ignoring him, I felt it necessary. He left in an obvious huff. Whatever. Once I sleep with someone I don't like I find myself hating them. I better stop before I end up hating myself.

After I didn't "go to the bedroom" with Carlos, I talked to him a couple times, but haven't seen him. He didn't call back last night. Imagine.

You may wonder why I seem so jaded sometimes. Obviously worse shit has happened to me "romantically" you might say. But that's the past. I just don't see any love in any man I meet. I watch it on the screen, I hear it on the radio, and I read it in books. But I don't see it at all. It's the most depressing thing I've ever encountered.

I watched Gone With The Wind for the first time in a long time last night. It was so hot.
I haven't gotten laid in a good while.

Jam for the Day: Fuck and Run by Liz Phair

Lazy Day

What's with me and the butterflies?

Red-Hot Meaganish

Jam for the Day: Barometer Soup by Jimmy Buffett

Lapsus Linguae

Lately I've been looking around life and really liking what I'm seeing. There is so much beauty to behold. I'm very busy with friends. I don't have half enough money, but I get by with no problems. All my friends are starting to know each other to the point that we all know each other. There is only one person left out of things, but I fear she desires it so. I am probably yesterday's news. But even if that is the case, I wouldn't be surprised. She wouldn't be the first, and I doubt she'll be the last. Oh of course it's my fault. I only wish I had a temper so I could vent my frustrations now and again without feeling so damn guilty. But that's another story. The guilt. The pain. Will it never go away?
Telle est la vie.
Check out my screen door. There's a butterfly hanging upside-down on it. It was kind enough to let me take it's picture. I think it's beautiful. Beauty. Like what I wanted to write about in this post. Instead there's something nagging at the very core of my heart that I just can't talk about. Again with the fear. Always the fear. Will I ever be fearless again, like when I was on the drugs? I think if I were to be, I'd need someone to have my back. I mean really have it. And I do have my girls. But they are about as strong as me when you get down to it, God love 'em. I need strong arms. Thick legs. Big hands. I am "boy crazy" for a real man. Figure that one out. I had Carlos and his boys over on Friday night for an impromptu party with Rob after work. Meagan and her girl came over and a couple more. We drank a bottle of Southern Comfort. Shots. Yeah. Carlos wanted to go to the bedroom. I told him no. Good times were had nonetheless. Then everyone left and I passed out only to wake up with a hangover early in the morning like I do. So I mean, this whole love 'em and leave 'em and drink like a fish shit every weekend that the people "my age" are into is just fucking exhausting. Mentally and physically. It most definately has it's pitfalls, to say the least. Really, the whole thing is bullshit and I know that, I just wanna play the game before the proverbial bank breaks wide the fuck open. Feel me? However, I do think it's unfortunate that I've fallen into this kind of cynicism. It's the very same generational cynicism I never wanted to fall into. But I guess that's what real life can do to a girl sometimes. Though I doubt it would take much more than The One to change everything, all at once.

damnant quod non intelligunt...

Jam for the Day: Debaser by The Pixies