Lapsus Linguae

Lately I've been looking around life and really liking what I'm seeing. There is so much beauty to behold. I'm very busy with friends. I don't have half enough money, but I get by with no problems. All my friends are starting to know each other to the point that we all know each other. There is only one person left out of things, but I fear she desires it so. I am probably yesterday's news. But even if that is the case, I wouldn't be surprised. She wouldn't be the first, and I doubt she'll be the last. Oh of course it's my fault. I only wish I had a temper so I could vent my frustrations now and again without feeling so damn guilty. But that's another story. The guilt. The pain. Will it never go away?
Telle est la vie.
Check out my screen door. There's a butterfly hanging upside-down on it. It was kind enough to let me take it's picture. I think it's beautiful. Beauty. Like what I wanted to write about in this post. Instead there's something nagging at the very core of my heart that I just can't talk about. Again with the fear. Always the fear. Will I ever be fearless again, like when I was on the drugs? I think if I were to be, I'd need someone to have my back. I mean really have it. And I do have my girls. But they are about as strong as me when you get down to it, God love 'em. I need strong arms. Thick legs. Big hands. I am "boy crazy" for a real man. Figure that one out. I had Carlos and his boys over on Friday night for an impromptu party with Rob after work. Meagan and her girl came over and a couple more. We drank a bottle of Southern Comfort. Shots. Yeah. Carlos wanted to go to the bedroom. I told him no. Good times were had nonetheless. Then everyone left and I passed out only to wake up with a hangover early in the morning like I do. So I mean, this whole love 'em and leave 'em and drink like a fish shit every weekend that the people "my age" are into is just fucking exhausting. Mentally and physically. It most definately has it's pitfalls, to say the least. Really, the whole thing is bullshit and I know that, I just wanna play the game before the proverbial bank breaks wide the fuck open. Feel me? However, I do think it's unfortunate that I've fallen into this kind of cynicism. It's the very same generational cynicism I never wanted to fall into. But I guess that's what real life can do to a girl sometimes. Though I doubt it would take much more than The One to change everything, all at once.

damnant quod non intelligunt...

Jam for the Day: Debaser by The Pixies