The Little Engine That Could

So. So much. So much to say. How to say it? I haven't known how. It's getting so damn personal. Suddenly my fear is mucking up my creed. Creed. To thine own self be true and shit. Keeping it real. Whatever, that's all stupid angst kiddie shit. But this strong-willed angsty child doesn't seem to care so much anymore. Therein lies the problem. The rebellious, angsty child is at war with the conformative, demure woman inside of me. Laugh all you wish, but she's there. She's growing stronger by the day, and is embarrassed and repulsed by more and more. Ha. Me. Who would have thought it? You think the Middle East is in turmoil. Try dealing with opposing factions in your own mind. Yeah. I do it on a daily basis. So I turn myself off. I have to. Rock on. Laugh at the bad things and cry for the good things. Every now and then I'll get lost in a movie. Rock on. Sometimes special things happen that all of myselves agree on and enjoy. These are the happy times. But sometimes things go wrong. I guess this is what it means to be an adult?
I broke my celibacy over the weekend. Yeah, I totally caved. I just needed to feel strong arms around me. I was so terribly lonely. I broke down and called my 21-year old. He came over. He's different this time. More reserved. I had told him over the phone that I was celibate and that I wasn't feeling well anyway. And I had planned on staying celibate, I just wanted some male company. And then he starts apologizing to me. Tells me he's sorry for being so pushy. That he realizes he was being a dick and it's just that I'm "so sexy." He told me he liked me. He didn't say it like he liked me like that, because I don't really see how he could as he barely knows me, and as I've made it abundantly clear that I am in no hurry to have a boyfriend nor a relationship from day one. He said it like he meant that he cared about me as a person. This is something that I've been dying to feel from a guy, be he 21 or homeless or handicapped, whatever. I have lost nearly all my faith in that the male gender has any kind of capability to actually care about anything but themselves, ultimately. Sure they may have a whole list of things that they also like. Women being last on that list, I've felt sure of it. But he seemed genuine. At least he made me believe it at the time. And he wasn't all over me. Which, of course, turned me on. He spent the night for the first time and we had a pretty good time altogether. I was really surprised and I'm not sure what I think of it, because I don't like him like that, but I don't want to be lonely either. And more and more I'm reminded lately that I'm more and more lonely lately.
Recently I introduced Rob to my best friend. Ya'll know I've always had a little crush on Rob, but it's never been a romantic crush. He's just a great guy friend whom I care a lot about. Of course they hit it off like gangbusters. I knew they would. But I didn't know it would go as far as and like it has. It's not really a big deal, and to be truthful I'm very happy about the situation. There's nobody I'd rather him or her be with, and this would be the first time I would have gotten along with one of her guys, which would be nice for a change. But to be even more truthful I'm fucking jealous of them as all hell. The very idea makes me want to Destroy. Kill. Hate. Problem is, I don't know whether I hate the idea of losing my friends to each other or if I hate that I lack what they represent, ultimately. Either way I get this fucked up feeling that it's the beginning of some end.
And Meagan man, she's out of high school and really coming into her own. She's the little sister I never had. Now that she's found it, boy, she's got it. And getting it. Good for her. Guys are hitting on her, she's hitting on guys, and it's actually working. Heh. Never really has for me. I'm convinced it's because I'm an overweight loser who talks too much. I'd give anything if someone could convince me otherwise. In fact, that's all I ask for in this life.
I met my boss's fiancée today. Her name is Tesha and she's 27 years old. My boss is closer to 50. He's pretty good looking, and so is she--to say the least. When I talked to her we immedieately clicked and she straight up told me--verbatim--I like you already. We agreed that we should hang out. I told you my boss is the biggest bullshitter, as am I, and we get along so well that he's told me a lot of shit you wouldn't think the boss would tell you during your second week of work. But he told me about Tesha. And wouldn't you know that she's got basically the same "past" as I do. In the same county even! In fact she's still on probation for it. Just got out of rehab not too long ago. Well Hell's Bells. It's not often that I meet people of my ...background that have been through all the drug shit and the jail shit and made it out to live again. I mean I don't know any. But now I do. So I told my boss to tell Tesha to set me up with one of her cute guy friends HER age. Fuck all these little boys, but I'm not really looking to hook up with Mr. Robinson either.
What else?
I never get time to post anymore because my friends are constantly coming by. Be careful what you wish for I guess...
August will be the first month I pay my own rent and all my own bills. Ever.
I'm going to Austin City Limits Music Festival on Saturday in September. I'm so hype. Drunken Lens is coming down for it and we're gonna hang. Fucking aye.
I think I'm going to get my tattoos redone and dye my hair dark brown with chunky blonde highlights and thin light pink highlights.
There are a million types of Gatorade now. I remember when there was only Lemon-Lime. Am I old?
I became addicted to Diet RockStar (energy drink) just yesterday. It's liquid crack.
Oh.
The Fire.
So Monday night, after coming home after working since 8am, I walk into a house full of smoke. Not thick and suffocating, rather, it was a thin but definate layer of smoke throughout the entire house. The smoke detectors are quiet as mice. At first I thought it was incense. But how the fuck would incense still be burning after 12 hours? So I freak and go all through the apartment looking for a fire only to find none. I am so confused I'm starting to panic. Luckily I had Bryce and Will with me. It was dark, and when they found the lamp, they noticed the mantle above the fireplace was smoking in one part and the wall was black. Oh did I mention the entire house was black? Everything was covered in soot.
Apparently I had missed a candle when I was blowing them out after my night with my 21-year old. And it burned all the way down and caught the pictures next to it on fire and destroyed them and melted my cell phone (which was broken anyway from dropping it in the club in Dallas) and had caught the drywall and the wooden block mantle on fire. It didn't spread because of the firewall, thank God. But that wooden block was just embers. I couldn't take it. I hadn't had my meds in two weeks and I just laid in bed and cried. The boys went into action and fixed it for me. Meagan shows up about 5 minutes into this, thank God again. Because my panic attack set in and she eased me through it. It's going to be okay, really, and pretty easy to fix. The boys said they would help. Now that I have my medicine (can you tell?) it's a pretty funny story and I'm actually looking forward to my little "home improvement" project.
Can you believe that shit?