The Break-Up

Dear Jason,

I came here tonight because I thought you wanted to talk to me. I am truly happy that you're out and having fun, you needed to have some fun without me bugging you. Ashlyn told me you are very drunk, partying on an island in Lake Sam Rayburn with Chad. I'm glad you got to be with your brother, I know he's your best friend. I wouldn't want to talk to you drunk anyway.

You are right, we both need to be away from each other. Crystal said you wanted to be friends, which by all indications, you do. I came here to tell you that I want to be friends too. I just need some things explained to my heart before that can happen.

It's gonna take some time to not want you anymore but I realize I made my own mistakes. I came here tonight to talk to you about those mistakes and say some things you probably couldn't have predicted. Hopefully one day we will be able to do so. I am off tomorrow.

It just hurts right now because I feel outlawed in this society because they all love you and I'm relatively new and expendable. I guess.

I wish you would have been here, because I was really ready to do this, and now it seems as if your concern was all fake. Please don't let me go on believing that it was ALL fake for too much longer. That's what makes me wanna be mean to you--and I don't wanna be mean to you!

Of course it hurts that it's over. But apparently it wasn't meant to be. If it was lust, whatever it was, I understand that. It's a break-up, I just need a little time to get over you. But please give me this one last thing so that I can move past the pain and hopefully into a cool friendship with a guy that I still think is one of the best guys I know.

Sincerely, and with regular Love,

Blush

Please Don't Confuse a Bipolar Person

Another argument.

Sigh.
He says he needs space. Then he says he wants me. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. No matter what I do it doesn't make him happy. I get the feeling that he is done/tired of me. I've been crying at nights for almost 3 days now. Just as soon as I really fall in love with him, he doesn't want me anymore. But then he invites me to the 4th at his family's house. Now I'm really confused because he says he wants space, then invites me to see his family. So yeah, I've been acting kinda crazy because it seems like I'm getting mixed signals.

But I do love him, and I don't wanna break up. I hope it doesn't come to that.

One extreme to another...What's a girl to do??

The Good Die Young

Early this year the world lost a wonderful young man and one of my own childhood playmates, Zac Cook. I still cry real tears when I think of him--gone. Today was one of those days. Our families are not related, but the Cooks are my family. Always have been. He was like a brother...it's not fair!

I'll never forget punching both Zac and his older brother David for putting salt on my watermelon when I was six.

Of all the memories, that's the one thats always gets me.

It's not often a death hits me this hard. But the hardest part was hugging Uncle David, Aunt Becky, and Little David at the house after the funeral. I had to leave early. It simply hurt too much.

You may have heard about this on the national news. A BlackHawk helicopter doing drills fell out of the sky and on top of Zac. On Texas A&M Campus. My dad kept the traditional Aggie "Riderless Horse" in our family's stable. They shot the Aggie Cannon 3 times. The Army was there, as he was just enlisted and waiting on an assignment, and gave the family a full military funeral, guns and all. Traffic on the highway came to a stop when the cannons blew. The funeral was the best I've ever been to. My dad made us sit on the back row in case he cried. I had to take xanax to make it though it. But it was beautiful, just like Zac's life.

If you could, if you would, for me, just take a quick look at the links below, and understand why the world lost so much when we lost Zac. For me...

http://dmc-news.tamu.edu/templates/?a=7176&z=15 Aggie Reaction

http://www.ktre.com/Global/story.asp?S=9668913 Lufkin Reaction

http://www.ktre.com/global/story.asp?S=9692973 The Funeral

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=45940083111 In Memoriam

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mg3Y1QfoamM Remembrance

A Chick and A Dick

Last night we had our first big fight. Sigh. Long story short, he borrowed my truck 'cause his car is broken right now to go out of town on a job--and didn't come back when he said he would. I had to work at American Eagle at 9pm to do markdowns, and I was trippin. NOT happy that he disrespected my wishes and didn't contact me throughout the day to tell me what was up. And being a dick about it. Not that he was doing anything he wasn't supposed to be doing, but he scared me. I thought I could depend on him. I guess I can, because he somehow made it back and got me to work on time. Oh, I let him know how I felt. He's just so strange sometimes. It's like when I'm nice to him (which is my nature) he acts indifferent. But when I'm bitchy, it drives him crazy. In that good way. Like he can't get enough of me. I suppose it's the same way with chicks. Just hard to get used to.

It's just so easy to forgive him his trespasses. Is that love? Isn't it?

Temptation and Desire

He lies in bed reading Anne Rice on his belly in the nude. The Queen of the Damned. He has no idea how sexy he is. He always wears his socks to bed. Always. His skin is brown velvet-suede softness. I've never completely felt anyone like him. His smell is intoxicating. It's because of him I'm considering things I've never considered before. Starting a family sooner than later, staying in our small hometown, living in the country one day. Reading Stephen King novels and watching fuckin Playstation and jogging and crazy shit like that. I'd even live in a trailer--with him, of course.

So yeah. This is where I find myself tonight.

But he's my lover, my LOVE, I mean I love him. Am I truly IN love with him though? Is he truly IN love with me?? Don't get carried away Blush...but what's a girl to do with velvet-suede arms and perfectly soft lips beckoning her ever toward the flame? It's the passion that I crave. No matter the precaution taken to prevent being burnt, it's mostly inevitable. The chances of escaping the burn are slim to none. I'm a moth to a flame--the temptation of desire can destroy you. Or your relationship. Or worse.

But if you can't stand the heat, get out the damned kitchen, right?

The Only Thing that Stays the Same is Everything Changes

Holy Shit. It's been so long since I've done this I've been scared to even try. The fear is paralyzing. It's what keeps me here. I am still living with my parents in Lufkin, Texas. Some things have changed in my life though, in the past year. My fiance went back to jail. Yes. I supported him. But sometimes love isn't enough. Of our almost 3 year relationship we spent 2 of those years apart. He ultimately chose drugs over me in his time(s) of need and it took him away from me. The longer he was gone the more it hurt. He left me alone too long.

Enter Jason Dickerson.

Jason is a guy I met through friends here in Lufkin. At first we really didn't like each other, even though I always thought he was a cutie. It's actually a funny story how we got together. He moved away to Houston, then when I saw him again here visiting, it was in a totally new light. I began to have feelings for him and I knew I had to end it with Austin, however difficult that was, and it was. We both cried. When I told him there was someone else, he gave me his blessing.

So now I have a new boyfriend. One of the most healthy relationships I've ever been in. Not based on drugs or sex or fantasy. Based in reality. Though sometimes harsh, in reality, I find myself growing to love him more and more daily. However, the fear remains.