Facade (The Sorrow Underneath)

So I have been doing okay. Really okay. Today, out of nowhere, it's hit me as a ton of bricks hits a sidewalk from faulty pulleys or worn ropes. Sorrow. (Read: Hormones.) Anyway I have no real reason to be sad, I've actually been doing lots of fun shit. In March, for 6 days mid-month, I took a Texas-Sized Road Trip with my All-Time Best Friend, Danielle. She told me on the first day in the car that she had decided and was already making plans to move to Hawaii to be with her ex who's stationed there as a cryptologist for the Navy. Of all places! Hawaii! They are getting back together and she's as happy as a clam. I know The Islands will totally suit her. She informed me she's leaving in August after her birthday. Holy Shit. From that moment on, in the car, on the street, in the club, sleeping on other people's couches, jamming to whatever crazy music we agreed on, drinking Mai Tais at lunch in the best eateries in the state--everything was more important, more urgent. I don't know how long she'll be gone. I feel confident in our friendship that it will endure the (literal) distance. She'll settle back in Texas and we'll have babies together, as women sometimes do when they're close. But Hawaii--so far away! Beyond the Continental United States! It will take much more than a Road Trip to see her then. On the other hand, I get to visit her in Hawaii. Fucking Aye. (Maybe even participate in a Destination Wedding there??? Mere speculation, of course!)

The Trip was marvelous. We left my hometown of Lufkin (in deep East Texas) and headed West to Bryan-College Station, home of our alma mater, Texas A&M University. We whizzed through town and took in the scenery along the historic El Camino Real or "the road of kings" (now State Hwy 21.) We then hit State Hwy 290 to Interstate-35 South on our way to Austin to catch a couple of the last shows at my old hang out Red Eyed Fly (where The Deng like to play) on the final night of the massive South by Southwest Music Festival, held annually. Danielle and I knew a guy from back in the day who worked Security and snuck us in. Hell Yeah! Rock on! The first performer was an awesome retro-country singer who I would have totally been a groupie for back in the 1930's. (Think Hank Williams III.) The next band was an all out rock band with a pretty, badass frontwoman and a super-hot (though barely legal) straight-up awesome lead guitarist. After that we, having had plenty to drink, were like to pass out somewhere soft. And we did.

The next day we enjoyed the amenities of Austin, my adopted hometown. There were Mimosas and Bloody Mary's for brunch at Shady Grove across from Barton Springs and Zilker Park, shopping at the trendy South Congress Shops while having Amy's Ice Cream--afterwards heading to Alamo Drafthouse Cinema to have a glass of wine and appetizers while watching the movie Juno (can you believe neither of us had seen it yet?!) Then we ate dinner at our absolute fave Austin restaurant/hangout, THE Kerbey Lane 24-Hour Diner. The next morning we hit up The Drag at The University of Texas campus and shopped the vintage shops and of course, Urban Outfitters. I got a shirt that said "Global Warming is so Uncool" and laughed about it all day. We dined on the most delicious pizza I've ever eaten at the Magic Mushroom Pizzaria there on The Drag for lunch, before heading south again through San Marcos to San Antonio for some R&R at Danielle's good friends Jacob and Hannah's apartment. As much as I adore Austin, it just reminded me of all I'd lost and all I miss and just how much I miss my own personal Austin. I wished he was there so badly.

When we got to San Antonio, we slept a lot. The weather was bad so we watched the entire first season of 30 Rock and I am hooked. I'm totally gay for Tina Fey. On my second lazy day in S.A., Austin called and told me that he found out his discharge date from the Treatment Center; and he'll be getting out April 15. Then he's got to go to Sober Living for at least 2 months. He's found a really nice place in North Austin that he thinks he can get into. So there begins Our New Life...

The next morning we got dressed early and got out to our car and all the cars in the parking lot were covered, and I mean covered, in thick dirt. As we go to driving, we noticed that it seemed like every car in town was as dirty as ours. Turned out there had been a HUGE fire in Mexico and the weather dumped all the ash on San Antonio. It was so bad we actually had to wash it before we even felt comfortable drving it. The car went from yellow to brown, and it was ugly. That's not how we roll. So on we went to The Riverwalk (where the San Antonio River cuts right through downtown) to eat lunch and drink margaritas (what else?) and see The Alamo. Neither one of us had been there in so long, we'd forgotten how truly gorgeous The Riverwalk is. Sadly I have no pics because Danielle needs to get a new memory card for her camera. But will get them up as soon as I have them, no doubt.

After a great meal of Authentic Border Mexican Food, we stuffed ourselves into Danielle's Volkswagen Beetle. Oh did I forget to mention that? We did our roadtrip in a newer model, light yellow VW Beetle. That's just how we roll. Anyway we hopped on Interstate-10 and shot like a rocket east to Houston, because we had tickets that night to see Fergie-Ferg at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo. I told you we were travelling Texas, didn't I? Anyway, after fighting rush-hour traffic, booking our hotel, dressing, and fighting the goatscrew of trafficular carnage around Reliant Stadium, we missed the entire Rodeo (which was a bummer) but got there just in time to see my girl Fergie! And boy did she put on a hell of a performance, for sure. She covered Zeppelin, The Beatles, The Stones, The Black Eyed Peas, she did most of the songs from The Dutchess, AND even rapped Will.i.am's parts. She rocked the house. Three costume changes and backup dancers and all. She performed like she wanted to be asked back next year, and we had awesome seats to see it (thanks to my old friend Hal from high school, pictured.) I'm totally gay for Fergie now, too. She's the most beautiful chick I've ever seen. my opnion she beat out Gwen Stefani at the No Doubt show I saw in 2002 for hottest rock chick ever.

We spent the night in Houston and woke up and had sweet Gulf-Coast Seafood and cocktails before heading back to Lufkin for me, and eventually Dallas for Danielle. It was a bittersweet luncheon because we both knew the end of the trip was nigh and I know I wasn't particularly thrilled to say goodbye to her, knowing the futures and the accute uncertainties of those futures right in front of us. We discussed our impending marriages, and impending pregnancies...it was a revelation for me. We are Adults. We are Women.

Sometime this idea scares the shit out of me because I'm not sure I know how to be the Woman I so desire to be. Not to mention the inevitable Identitiy Crisis that follows such a promotion, as marriage or motherhood most definately qualify. Sigh. Then I look at my finances. On paper my life is in shambles and I have no idea how/if I'm going to be able to come back from all the damage I've done to myself in the false belief that I didn't deserve the things I'd worked for and were capable of. I've destroyed my "life" to the point that I wonder what's the worth at times. I can only hope and pray that life or God himself has something in store for me because I don't know how much longer I can make it alone in this perpetual ghost-town of a home-town, absolutely starved for affection. I eat too much fried food and smoke way too many cigarettes as it is. I need to feel happy to feel healthy.

Feel Me?

Regeneration (Here Comes The Sun)

So things are going well. I had a chance to visit Austin weekend before last. It was better than good to see him and hold him again. He had to go back to the treatment center after 12 hours, and, as always, it was hard saying goodbye. We've been living separately for over a year now. Still, there is no love lost. I think I've found the one.
Being a manager at the Cookie Store has been fun and challenging at times. We've got alot on our hands with some of our employees. And of course there's my crazy boss to deal with. But who doesn't have to deal with crazy bosses??

I feel a new wind of change blowing in the Pines this year. I smelled it as it roared over the plains of central Texas last month. As the flowers bloom, I feel myself doing the same. It's time for me to stretch out once more. It's time to see the world again with newly brightened eyes. It's time to come out of the darkness--for good.

I've lived for 1000 years and consequently slept for 1000 more years. I traveled all over the world in a dream and died in an instant, only yet to be reborn.

Local Celebrity [insert cigarette here]

I've been working a lot. A Lot. It's sometimes quite a chore managing some of my partially retarded coworkers. I'm Beat. Right Now I'm watching It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia on DVD with my brother, who's in for the weekend from college. Danielle and I are planning a major roadtrip over Spring Break, celebrating my 26th birthday. We're planning a trip to Austin to catch some of the South by Southwest Music Festival and see friends, then on down to H-Town to see FERGIE! at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo. The Dutchess. Hell yeah! Those tickets are incredibly hard to get. I'm SO fucking excited, I could laugh and cry at once.
[insert cigarette here]
Well, it's almost Valentine's Day and that happens to be the biggest day of the year at work. People love to buy cookie cakes and give them to their sweethearts. We even did a local commercial for the NBC/FOX station here, starring myself and Alex. It's pretty good, for a local commercial, not too cheesy.
[inhale]
I've seen a few old friends from high school in the past few months and it's been good all the way around. A particularly close friend from those days, Junko (she's half-Japanese,) came home for a month from Germany where she's living with her husband who is stationed there in the Air Force. They have a child with a brain deformity--encephaly. She came to the states for treatments for his seizures. I hadn't seen Junko in years and years, after we'd had a bit of a falling out after gradating high school. It was nice to see her again, but my heart breaks for her and her son. He will only live to be about age five. It's hard for me to swallow that someone once so close to me is having to deal with such sorrow, and so young. I suppose I've seen sorrow, but of a totally different, selfish kind. She seemed so serene about the whole ordeal. I could see the pain in her eyes but it was me seeing a woman there instead of a girl for the first time. I wish I could see myself like that.
[insert cigarette here]
After seeing another old friend, I found out that not one but two more of my friends are pregnant now, Malee with her first and Misty with her second...and Jennifer herself just had twins! All at 26 years old! I'm looking around and seeing most of my classmates and peers getting married and having children and starting families. It's gonna be a while until I'll be married, and I can't even think about having kids right now! Is there something wrong with me? Or am I just slow? A late bloomer, if you will?
[exhale]
Thank God myself and my closest friends are still single.

With Love from Lufkin

Tomorrow I start training for my new position as Manager at the Cookie Company. Although a minor accomplishment, I am very proud because I've worked my ASS off for those guys all through the holidays. I've never been a manager, and I'm fairly excited. I finally feel like I've reached something--whatever it is I've been working towards. I STILL need to finish my Relapse Prevention Plan. I know, I know...I just want to be resolute when I actually do make it, and Cold Feet have become an issue. It just seems like a huge step and it's kinda scary. I think I'll make it in my own time.

I got two dozen roses from Austin for Christmas. They are beautiful.

Beautiful.

I love him. I miss him. I think 2008 will be a good year for us.

(that's obviously not the correct date)

Christmas was cool. I shot skeet for the first time, with a 12-gauge. I'd never shot a gun before. I missed my first shot, but hit every one of the rest. 4 of 5 shots. I made the guys jealous.

I love that.

In case any of ya'll have ever wondered where in the hell it is I live, I now have something of an explanation, thanks to a certain Mr. Tom Hanks and a particular Ms. Julia Roberts. I imagine you've heard of the new movie Charlie Wilson's War. Charlie Wilson is a politician from Texas, not only from Texas, but from my very own small, deep East Texas town of Lufkin. Not only from my hometown, the aforementioned Mr. Wilson actually lived in my neighborhood of Brookhollow, down the street. Represent!

Thank God I didn't see any ex-boyfriends (this means you Gingerfish) here in

L-Town, which is always a perilous feat during the holidays. Although they're not quite over yet. I'll be for damned sure keeping my fingers crossed.

Jam for the Day: Big Girls Don't Cry by Fergie

Santa Baby

This is my picture-gift to Austin in Rehab. He's not allowed to have a proper Christmas with gifts and such. I remember what that was like, so I can't let my baby feel unloved this year. I miss him terribly.

So I did this at the Mall on my lunch break. HoHoHo.

Otherwise, I think the Big Yellow Sign speaks for Itself.

Jam for the Day: Blue Christmas by Elvis Presley

To My Future Mother-In-Law

Dear Sheryl,

I am so sorry I haven't been in touch with you. I pray you don't take this personally, and I sincerely hope you know that I simply ADORE you and your family. You know I love your son. Please don't think I havn't felt guilty about not calling you. I know I already told you about my issue with other people's mothers from situations in my past. And after staying with you and going to see Austin together I really felt like I had gotten over that. And I had! But now, I'm realizing it's a much, much, deeper problem. I know you think you went through one of the most dismal family situations, and I know you did, but as nuclear as my family may be, mine is perhaps more tragic. My family doesn't know how to be a family. Not at all. And we are one! We are not close, and go for months without seeing or speaking to each other sometimes. As hard as it is for me to feel like part of a real family, a close family, it's even harder for me to feel like part of someone else's family. And being in what I feel is the lowest part of my bipolar cycle, I just procrastinate and procrastinate until surprise! it's been two weeks--months sometimes. It's also been an interesting experience becoming engaged and realizing how much that changes things and how much I have to change to meet the challenge. That on top of this rehab thing and being so far away from Austin keep me fairly stressed out. I hope you understand. I will call you sometime this week and we'll talk.

I love you Sheryl, and could never ask for more in you...

Love,

Blush