My Favorite Mistake

So I am back in text. Let me first clarify some things that my voice failed to mention:

As much as it sucked to get fired, I have to tell about it. It's too damn funny.

And I don't like him like that. Like that. If I did, everything would be peachy. As it is, I have no idea what's going on. See this is why I need help with my life. Just as soon as I think things are one way, they will inevitably turn out to be completely different.

Speaking of things I have been wrong about...
I never thought I'd hear from Him again.
Yes.
The infamous Him.

I had an idea that He'd been lurking around here the past week or so due to some interesting activity on statcounter. Call it "female intuition." Haha. And then I get the message late last night. I am only glad I was not there to respond. I don't trust myself to be as cool as I am. I got over Him by sort of convincing myself that I was dead to Him. Because if you're dead to someone then it's not so bad when they want nothing to do with you, right? Makes sense to me. But the thought of my name on His lips is just too much to bear. He told me to check some shit out on the web. Turns out:
He is still really tall.
He has short hair now.
He is wearing glasses?
And He's in politics now. Muahaha. I guess I can see that. Most likeable guy you've ever met...
Asshole.
I guess while some things change, others stay the same.

I feel as if I'm going to puke. What shall I do?

Jam for the Day: Tyler by The Toadies

Fighting Imperfections

Walking on the ground you're breaking; Laughing at the life you're wasting

Pisces: Birthdate 11 March
You are ready for a change, Blush, there is no doubt about it. As you grow older your interests broaden, and you are considering pursuing some of these new interests in earnest. Perhaps school beckons, or at the very least some adult education courses. You are ready to make a new place for yourself in the world. Go ahead and get started!

More to come...

Pride

I had the most excellent encounter in the grocery store checkout line yesterday evening. I had just gotten off work. My work clothes are just jeans and a t-shirt, but we wear Freebirds hats and I have several pins on mine. Well the older man standing in front of me told me that he liked my hat. I told him thank you, that it was my work hat. He spoke very slowly and carefully, and I thought he might be disabled. Then he began to speak to me, and it might've been god himself. He told me that when he got back from Nam he rode all over the country on his motorcycle, not unlike someone else's plans for after the war. He told me he got a pin from everywhere he stopped and filled up three hats. Until they ran over him, he says. Then he told me about his rank in the military, and that he led two missions while in Viet Nam. The first time he went in with 50 men and came back with 48. The second time he went in with 50 men and came back with 50 men. As I'm listening to this my respect level for this man is shooting through the roof. Then he tells me it takes a strong man to shoot another man in the face. Quite sobering. He then told me of his motorcycle wreck. Broke both his legs, and by the way he was talking and his movements I suspected there was some brain damage. And then he told me that the only thing he really missed was gainful employment. Getting up and going to work every morning. Because one day you might just wake up with no legs.
Then he looks me square in the face and says very simply,
"So you wear that hat with pride."
And then he smiled at me.
I am near tears at this point. He's going through his wallet, paying for his beer. He turns to me before he leaves, and says again, looking me straight in the eyes,
"You wear that hat with pride. And God bless you sweetheart."
"No, Sir...God bless You."

Yesterday I Saw You Kissing Tiny Flowers

I am feeling a whole lot better. It took a while, but Saturday was a really great day and I think I'm back on an even keel. After giving it some thought, I think my reaction to the other night was so ...severe because for the first time in ages, he kissed me. Full on. I hadn't been expecting that. And it just ...brought up some kind of lingering emotion from my time with him. I don't know. See this is why I never wanted to see any of my exes ever again. I'm ready for a new life.

But Saturday was the most perfect spring day. Cool in the morning, hot as shit in the afternoon, cool at night. Breezy. Sunny. The skies here in Austin are so big, you wouldn't believe it sometimes. When it is beautiful here, it is fucking beautiful. And that's 90% of the time, I'm not bullshitting. And with Easter comes the flowers. Wildflowers popping up everywhere they get the chance. Most especially along streets, along highways. I watch them from the window of the bus on the way to and from work and can't help but smile and thank god for the colour and the shape.

But all that lives is born to die

The Legend of the Bluebonnet
http://www.800oakwilt.com/Bluebonnet.html

Jam for the Day: Texas (When I Die) by Tanya Tucker

It's Cool, We Can Still Be Friends

Well, I've finally stopped crying. Ya'll probably think I cry all the time, but it's really been a while since I cried like I did this morning. Cold, bitter tears. Tears for a love lost. Joey left this morning. Last night I dreamt I told him I loved him. I don't. But I love his smell. The color of his skin. His hairline. As I lie in bed last night with him in my arms I couldn't sleep. I closed my eyes and remembered the first time we spent the night together some ...seven years ago. I was only a girl then. He's a man now. It was sweet and gave me this surreal feeling of peace, of being safe and protected. I woke up after my dream. I was a little freaked out, telling Joey I love him would be murder on our friendship, and it's not even true. I am not in love with him. I love how I felt when I was with him those years ago. I love how I feel when I'm with him now because it reminds me of how I felt with him then.

In the early morning hours, I lay awake listening to him breathe heavy onto the pillow in the bed we've shared so many times in the past. Except this time he doesn't love me anymore. Nor I him. But he did love me. He really really loved me. Probably the only man who ever has or ever could. But not anymore. It hurts that I will never feel that again. But it's too late now. If Joey can't love me, I don't know who can. I roll over and try to alleviate my aching heart by holding my breath. I can't. In a few hours he will wake up and leave and I will be alone again. Alone like I always knew I would be. No breath on the pillow, no arm around my waist. I blink away tears. I don't feel that I will ever have that kind of love again and I just don't want to get out of bed, I don't want this to end, I don't want to go back to reality. But it's inevitable. He wakes, we say good bye. When he hugs me, he hugs me tight. For a long time. I'm fighting back the tears. It's not supposed to be like this. I shut the door on him and fall against it, now bursting into tears. I'm not even sure why. I just want to be happy again. I just want to be loved again.

But I can't be loved because I'm too afraid to love. Once I fell in love and it ruined my life. I can't take that chance again. Now I'm fucking these guys and ...nothing. I don't feel anything. I used to put my heart into everything I did but now ...I just can't seem to. And look at me! I'm a mess. Who will want this baggage? I'm at a loss. It's up to me to go it alone, and I just don't think I have the strength. And now I'm crying again because I had the rest of this post written beautifully and it accidentally erased when I was trying to change the font and I could only get this much back. Now it just sounds fucking whiny and annoying. I fucking can't do anything right. I am such a fuck up--why would anyone want to love me? This is basically what this paragraph was about anyway but it was much prettier but fuck it now. Fuck it. Fuck all of it. It's not a pretty situation. I'm fucking alone and I always will be. No one wants this. Not even you.

You know I did this to myself. I've dug my grave and now I'm lying in it.

Jam for the Day: It's Cool, We Can Still Be Friends by Bright Eyes

Look What I Saw In The Parking Lot

A truck covered with cd's. I love this town!

So yeah. Quite a bit has gone on. I've been too busy with multiple orgasms to blog, my bad. You see I have found a partner. A partner who surprised me with a new kind of orgasm I've never had before. I say partner because that's what he is. No relationship. And no it's not Jesse. I haven't talked to him in a couple of weeks. This is someone completely different. So I have a fuckbuddy. Yes. I'm not exactly proud of this, but goddamn am I relaxed. And that's all I'll say about that.

But I am just as excited about the new cell phone I got. I lost my old one. It's just a Cingular Go! Phone, but my new one has a camera and records video with audio. It's crunk. With a C. Now I can take pictures of the crazy things I see on a daily basis. I just got the mp3 player for my birthday in the mail. It even has FM radio and an external speaker. It works just like a flash memory drive. Hell yeah.

I worked all weekend and decided that I will never quit my job rolling burritos. I have so much fucking fun there. I love all the people I work with. On Friday, my manager Steph took me home and we got to talking on the way and she came in and we talked politics, religion, and the consciousness of being for like 2 hours. Bet ya'll didn't know I could go there, eh? I just don't usually. Steph goes to Texas State University and is president of the Fine Arts Committee and they don't have a secretary right now and she asked if I would be interested in helping whenever I could. I said not yes but hell yes. Maybe when I get back in school I could take some classes at TSU and then transfer to graduate from A&M. Texas State is a hella-fun school, so there's really no telling where I'll end up. Anyway, the next night at work I was on break and Steph came out and held up a beautiful silver and black leather necklace and asked me if I liked it. It looked expensive--and after giving it a once over I discovered it was a Brighton. Wow. I thought someone had left it in the store, but she said that someone had given it to her as a gift and it wasn't really her style but she thought that I'd like it. And she was right. I love it. It's really special when a girl gives jewelry to another girl. It's even more special when a girl finds another cool (and smart!) girl to hang out with. I don't know how you boys do it, as we seem to be fewer and farther between.

Adult Swim starts playing Saved By The Bell on April 17. Oh yeah.

Jam for the Day: 1,2,3,4 (Get On The Floor) by Coolio ...oh yes.

The Sky's Not the Limit and You're Never Gonna Guess What Is

I have only one computer speaker. I have only one computer speaker because I am poor and had none at all, until I found ONE computer speaker on sale for $1 at Goodwill down the street, which happens to be my most favorite store. It rocks. Right now I am listening to The Strokes (I'm addicted to Julian Casablancas' voice and electric guitar) and it's awesome even though I can't hear all the bass and guitar because of the way the album was produced. But the speaker I DO have is the one that plays Julian's voice the loudest. Fuckin' aye. Just another reason to smile today.

I feel it's been a lifetime since I loved Him. I wonder if I will remember how we felt? I fear I cannot, but I must. For He will be the antihero of my first novel, Funeral Song. And I will be the heroine.

At work they posted everyone's "fix" ratios by our 'teams' and on my team I fell in at 9th of 23. My fix ratio was 58.7% and I think the highest on my team was like 65 or so. I don't know if that's all that good but I'm proud because that job was scary for me at first, I was very rusty on my tech shit and now I'm kicking ass and taking names, like today. And I think that being able to fix over half of my calls ain't half bad. And we only get 20 minutes to do it. Whoop!

Speaking of work, I have a bit of a crush that I have been denying on one of the Level 2's. Let's call him l2johnm for the purposes of this blog. He trained me. He had hung out with my old roomate before, and we had good rapport from the start. Then, last week, he invited me to the "cool kids" chat room. You see we use AIM for interoffice communications and to help each other troubleshoot while we are on the phone with customers. This is the type of job where you literally sit in front of a computer all day. Anyway, if you have ever been a tech or been down with internet chat, you realize that IS A BIG DEAL. Because let me tell you most everyone that works there is NOT cool. Just take my word for it. And they realized I am one of the COOL KIDS. I have a knack for hanging out with the cool kids I guess. l2johnm is the only person that I really even consider normal. And he's cute. But he's small. Not as small as me, but not much bigger. But he seems SO COOL, and right off the bat too. He talks to me like he knows I'm down, we've just never taken it further than good acquaintances. Then today I complained to him about the weirdo next to me that was hitting on me through AIM at WORK. How lame. L2johnm says it's because they shouldn't let pretty girls work there, that the nerds can't handle it. Did he call me pretty?? I don't know. He's crossing my mind more and more. He sits across from me and catty-corner and sometimes I can see him. I think I just have raging hormones. I feel like a teenaged boy minus the zits.

Oh and last night Jesse's cousin (Justin) who also works for Freebirds (at another location) picked up a shift for one of the kitchen guys at my store and I kinda know him so I stopped and told him to tell Jesse I said what's up and that he should give me a call sometime. Justin was more enthusiastic than I've ever seen him (he's kinda goth or something similar) and told me we should all hang out one night and drink beer or something. He had a funny smile on his face. If there's anyone Jesse would tell, it's Justin. I have no idea what all that meant. We will see. Please excuse my faux-naif.
Just this once...

I spoke Spanish to the cutest little Mexican girl on the bus today. I have a soft spot in my heart for los niños because I came about thisclose to having one of my own. And this particular chica just adored me. I would smile at her and wrinkle my nose. Then I blew bubbles with my chewing gum to make her laugh. I just wanted to hold her in my lap and hug her. But I couldn't. Maybe one day.

My speakER does the same thing to Nirvana so I can really hear Kurt's voice. Fucking Awesome. I love Goodwill.

Check out the blush reality myspace link and keep it real bitches!

Jam for the Day: Lucky Trumble by Nancy Wilson (Almost Famous soundtrack)

Green Flowers and Other Observations

I am pleasantly surprised by the results of the previous poll: A Good Question. It was close, but "If I can help a deserving couple start a family, I'm all about it" came out with the highest percentage of votes. This is definately something that I would love to do. (See last post: I've Made A Decision.) And I'm sure I will do it eventually, I just need to look into it, and figure out what all it entails and then we'll see what's up. I'll keep you updated.
Results for A Good Question:
http://basicpoll.com/result/17386/

Today in the grocery store, I saw some things worth noting. There was a guy walking around in a huge costume of a paper grocery bag with food coming out of the top. All he did was walk around and look cool. I guess he was the grocery store mascot. How do you get a job like that? Fun!
Then I saw an old man break it down to Can't Stop Till You Get Enough by Michael Jackson while picking out a gallon of milk. It was almost hilarious.
Every time I go to the grocery store, I can't help but go and smell all of the flowers in the florist section. I LOVE flowers. But today I saw purple, and even green, roses.
Awesome.
You never know what you're gonna run into at the fucking grocery store, I swear.

Last night at Freebirds was crazy. I didn't get out of there until 2am. We were busy with all kinds of people that had been at the antique car show down the street. The Texas State School for the Deaf is right down the street, and I believe they have dorms there, because we get lots of deaf customers at Freebirds. You would think, with the way the restaurant is set-up, that it would be very difficult to communicate what they want on their burrito. Absolutely not. Deaf customers are some of my favorites, and it makes me want to learn at least some basic sign language, just to help, and to make them feel a bit more comfortable. But I began to wonder, when serving a deaf customer, is it rude to just point at the food on the line and not actually talk to them? Or would it be more rude to try and speak to them while you point, because you're obviously going to have to point.

If you were deaf, would you be more offended if someone just pointed at shit like you're some kind of animal? Don't you think that could make someone feel shitty, like they are not as good as everyone else? OR, would you be more offended if someone DID speak to you as well as point? If you were deaf (or had any disability for that matter) wouldn't you want to be treated just like everyone else?? Or could they think you are mocking them?? If anyone has any ideas on this, please advise. I would really hate to make someone feel less than, and if there's anything I can do to stop that from happening, I will. I think everyone should be treated equally.

Also at work last night, I had a bipolar moment. I haven't gone into this at all because its complicated bullshit, but my money situation has sucked ass for the past 3 weeks, due to circumstances within my control, I admit that, but there have been many unlucky coincidences that were NOT my fault. Hence the karma post last week. Either way, I was on the verge of tears on my way to work last night, and I was really afraid I would have a bad night and end up having to cry during my break. Well when I got there, we were SLAMMED for like 3 hours straight, which is really unprecedented for a night shift. I mean, we ran out of food (rice, beans, guacamole) more than once. It was a wild night. Everything that could go wrong did. We had a lot of good people in last night though. And like, as soon as I started hustling and making burritos, I was in the best fucking mood. I was talkin' to the customers, bullshittin' with 'em, laughin' and jokin' around... Sometimes I would even give peeps free shit just because they made me laugh. And my coworkers. I couldnt ask for more from them. I fucking love working there. After I got home, I thought about how fucking drastic my mood swing was. It's rarely that pronounced. The only thing I can figure is that that's just bipolar for ya!

Oh yeah, by the way, I'm bipolar. As if you couldn't tell...

Jam for the Day: I Come From The Water by The Toadies