Like Shooting Stars...

I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now.

Who Will?

Sometimes the thoughts floating in my head turn on me.

Well, most of the time. I understand who, what, when, and where, but not why.

I don't understand why they turn on the situations they turn on.

Thats a lie, yes I do.

I am jealous, envious, so so envious.

I want what they have so badly I can taste it. So, so badly.

I want a man that loves me, one that will take care of me and help me make supper.

I want a house with all my beloved things and photos and loved ones.

I want enough money to pay the bills for those things, and to afford organic foods.

I want a marriage filled with fun and with laughter and love...

I want a love to end them all.

Now I want these things, but I am dubious as to how they could ever come to fruition due to my chronic illness.

I am Bipolar, and although it doesn't make me feel any less, I know people do think of me as so.

Because of my illness, my past isn't a very pretty picture.

Because of my illness, my present isn't a very pretty picture.

Because of my illness, I do not know what the future holds.

It hurts when I see the normal people.

The normal people who live their lives normally.

Their lives make so much sense, they get married and have kids, and they don't bounce checks.

They don't have to take medication morning, noon, and night, nor do they have to be hospitalized for stability at times.

They are already STABLE.

Stability: the one thing I long for;

I hold on to it so tight that sometimes it gets destroyed and I find myself...

Completely out of control.

Two of my friends just got engaged, just now... IT KEEPS HAPPENING.

I am happy for them, really I am, but...

Will it ever be my turn??

Would it??

Could it???

I fear not.

Who will want my past?

Who will want my present?

Who will want my uncertain future??

To Blog Or Not To Blog?

I look and I like.

I look and I like what I see.

I look and I like what I see in my married friends' home.

I envy the thought of Them.

I looked around Downtown tonight.

I looked around Downtown tonight and liked what I saw.

I looked around Downtown and I saw lots of beautiful people.

I envy the thought of Them.

I met a guy.

I met a cute guy.

I met a cute guy named Aaron.

I envy the thought of a cute guy named Aaron.

I lie in a bed.

I lie in a bed that's not mine.

I lie in a bed that's not mine but not His...

I envy the thought of Him.

I remember me.

I remember me in Love.

I remember me in Love with Him.

I envy the thought of Me.

I love you.
I love you lots.

I love you lots with a cherry on top.

I envy the thought of You.

I Shit You Not

I'm glad you liked the pictures, that was my point! The one of us in our field uniforms I have framed in a Starmakers frame, ...remember those?? It's in my room right now, I shit you not.

I love that picture, always have!

And BE GLAD you were chubby THEN because you're so SO THIN NOW! And gorgeous! I have the opposite problem, I'm pretty chubby NOW as opposed to THEN, and yes our hair WAS pretty out there! Ha!

Anyway, yeah. The hospital I checked into was sort of a mental hospital. People with all kinds of non-emergency room/non-surgical problems go there, but I went for stability on my medication because I was having real problems with stress making my body give out physically and it got pretty bad, I was VERY weak. Then I relapsed on drugs and had some serious suicidal thoughts. I called Dr. Pat Todd and she suggested I go, and I was down because I just want to get better.

I don't mind telling you the dirty details because it's you and me sweetie, heh!

They rediagnosed me with Bipolar 1 which is more manic (Bipolar 2 is more depressed) MIXED meaning I have episodes of more manic or more depressed, with Panic Disorder and Substance Abuse issues. But in the hospital I had a Harvard-Educated Psychiatrist (who looked just like Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, actually) and he helped me to get on the proper medication for my diagnosis, and observation was simply necessary for such a drastic change.

And yes, I have taken medication for many years now. I started taking an Anti-Depressant our senior year of high school, back when those pics were taken actually. I started seeing Dr. Gonzalez, who helped me SO much for the 10 years before she retired. I have you to thank really, because I dont know if you remember, but you suggested her to me way back then (because she had an ad in the Panther Pride calendar.)

I had THOUGHT the medication was working, but now that I've been to the hospital (Brentwood Hospital in Shreveport, LA) I that realize that it WASN'T, not like the meds I'm on NOW. They reworked everything, and the therapy sessions were pretty intense. Imagine a therapy session from 7am-9pm with a 2 hour break and 3 meals and with 5 smoke breaks (thank GOD!).

But yeah. We did a lot of good "work" and I realize where many of my problems truly lie and what I need to work with Dr. Todd on. (I LOVE HER, we text all the time!) I have suppressed a lot of shame, guilt, fear, and anger over these nearly 29 years and it's finally coming out in a healthy way, rather than drug abuse which is only me trying to hurt myself, really. That and sabotaging every good thing in my life, thinking that I dont deserve it (subconsciously of course.)

Things really WERE going well for me, especially last time we talked. I always get uptight and usually have some kind of breakdown over Christmas, and this year was especially bad because I just always want everything to be perfect for everyone, but it seemed like everybody around me wanted to fight, sometimes with me, even my extended family (and that NEVER happens! We just talk shit about each other on the phone later, heh!)

So yeah when you have mental issues things can fall apart really quickly, before you even know it. Luckily I have a large support base, and my work was SUPER supportive and I will be able to come back to work after I get back from a recuperating ski vacation in Colorado the first week of February. I am going up to see my BFF Danielle in Denver and she's gonna take care of me for about a week or so, heh. Did I tell you I had been promoted to Front Desk Manager? My boss says I will make a lot of money for him one day, heh. I think I wanna go back to A&M for a bachelor's in Hotel Management. I LOVE the industry; so far so good!

Your encouragement and love mean so much to me Kimberly, really. Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers. I am so glad we made friends back in 8th grade drama class at Junior High West.

Holler at me next time you find yourself in L-Town!

Love Always,

Blush

The Elusive One

I might have found HIM, the elusive ONE. No kids, never been married. Good job, great family, my age. Finally, a gentleman! Unfortunately, I've never dated a good guy. Obviously, I am not that kind of girl.

We have TONS much in common, and Jeremy seems to truly like me for who I really am.

My parents LOVE him. In fact, my Dad picked him out for me! (They are even going deer hunting together next month in West Texas--my Dad thinks that he and Jeremy are best drinking buddies, heh.)

We grew up in the same neighborhood, went to the same High School and College (Texas A&M University) but didn't formally meet until about 2 years ago at a tailgate party at an Aggie football game, even though our families are old friends! It's a small, small world when you're from a small, small town.

We are taking it slow, very slow, because this JUST MIGHT be IT and there's no way I'm fucking IT up...again!

I'm getting way too old for that shit.

We had our first kiss just last night.........and it was wonderful! I can't wait to see him again.

A Very Special Thanks

Hey There Casey!

I hope you are your family are doing well! Just a note to tell you thank you so much for teaching and showing me how to be a good office manager.

After working only a month at the hotel (Holiday Inn Express here in Lufkin) I took over for the Front Desk Manager who had to take maternity leave. I immersed myself in the work, as I was totally clueless at first, and now it's looking like I'm going to get promoted to Front Desk Manager permanently because I do a better job than her, and because my boss adores Lacy, I feel like I've really accomplished something!

But now my boss loves me more because apparently no one has ever been so organized and kept track of documents and all the administrative stuff AND do the regular shift work as well as me, and I attribute much of that to you, teaching me to write EVERYTHING down and make hard copies of EVERYTHING and files for EVERYTHING :)

I think I finally found where I belong. I LOVE hospitality, and this is the best job I've ever had (next to Powertrol, of course!) I absolutely love it. I think I want to stay in the hotel industry and make my job a career. Long overdue, I know, but at least now I know what the hell it is I want to do with my life!

In other news: I'm also finally seeing a "good guy" but taking it slow because I'm too old to fool around anymore! His name is Jeremy Pittman, uncle Dennis' best friend from High School's son. He was in the Corps at A&M and is best friends with little David, big David Cook's son. Daddy picked him out for me, and we are on the verge of seriously dating. It's crazy how Daddy can be right on when you least expect it.

Anyway, you helped me so much back then at Powertrol, and you're still helping me now!

Thank you so much for taking an interest in me, I miss talking to you and even your lectures, heh! Thought you might want to know it really did help! :)

Love,

Blush